Monthly Archives: March 2012

A Thank You Note To My Crock-Pot…

Dearest Crock-Pot,

Thank you for morphing that chicken and BBQ sauce into something edible while giving the illusion I know what I am doing in the kitchen.

With much love and respect,

The World’s Worst Cook.

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Snot Holders…

Just one of the many, many, many horrifyingly disgusting things we parents do without a second thought because they are our kids and we love them…and the snot they produce.

Morning priorities: Mommy Style…

Morning priorities: Mommy Style (examples include, but are not limited to, prioritizing your time and determining which is more important…eating breakfast or having non-frizzed out dry hair, ensuring you don’t smell by putting on deodorant or making your eyes not look half asleep by applying mascara, showering or spending the time selecting an outfit consisting of clean, unwrinkled and matching clothes…etc.)

 

Footless Headband…

Mommy: “Camryn, have you seen Olivia’s pink sparkly headband anywhere?”

Camryn, 6: “Well…headbands don’t walk, but people do, so it has to be here somewhere.”

Mommy: “Thanks, Cam. That really narrows it down. Much appreciated”

Camryn: “You’re very welcome, Momma. Glad I could help.”

An Early Morning Light Conversation, En Route to the School Drop-Offs…

Camryn, 6: “…so my friend said I won’t be able to marry Justin Bieber and I was like, oh my god….which I don’t even know what that means and have no idea what god is. So, Mommy, what is God?”
Mommy: (rolling up to school) “Welp, I think I just heard the school bell ring. Looks like we will just have to talk about God later.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok. Love you. Bye, Momma.” (exits car)
Mommy: (turns to Liv in backseat): “Your turn to go to your school now, Liv.”
Olivia, 4: “Mommy? Where do babies come from? You always say from your belly, but that can’t really happen, so where do they REALLY come from?” Mommy: “Well, will you look at that!? We are at your school already and I just heard the bell ring, so off you go.”
Olivia, 4: “Mommy, they don’ts even has a bell at my school…”
Mommy: “Have a great day, Liv. Love you.” (left wondering what she did to deserve getting slammed with two of life’s most perplexing, deep questions before 9:00 AM and how long she has until they come back to haunt her once again…)

Stuck On The Back Of The Line…As Usual…

Because somedays we’re just stuck at the back of the line of those in need…of more juice, more goldfish crackers, more milk, another tv show, help finding their socks, assistance with butt wiping, etc…

Mommy Epiphany #478…

The ratio of children’s Play Doh play time compared to Mommy’s Play Doh clean up time is not anywhere near balanced and leads me to believe these canisters of mushiness just ain’t worth the trouble they bring me…

That Shit’s Cra…

Because some days, shit’s just cra in my head. I sometimes scare myself. Consider yourself warned.

My Life, The Reality Show…

Because some days, the chaos and insanity around here are just like a train wreck that you simply can’t look away from, but leave the scene being grateful that’s not your problem…

Taming The Lion’s Mane…

Did you just hear that? I’m sure those of you halfway across the continental US did. It’s that loud. Please don’t be alarmed. That was just the sound of four-year-old Olivia screaming like a rabid lion being whipped with a stick as I tackled the task of brushing her mane this morning. With ears my ringing, I am now left pondering who is tortured more by this daily routine…me, Olivia, or our neighbors, who are most likely under the impression that I beat my daughter each morning at 8:45 am.

Babymaker…

Recently, this gem caught my eye while walking through a parking lot and screamed for me to photograph, mock and share it. Feel free to caption it. The possibilities are endless…

Anteater Poop…

Over the last few days, I’ve stumbled upon this little fellow quite a few times on the floor in different areas of the house. Each and every time I cross his path, my mind defaults to thinking he is a piece of dog/cat/human poop. Yet, once I realize it is just good ole’ Mr. Anteater and not poop, I simply can’t bring myself to throw his ugly ass in the garbage. Go figure.

Pissy Pants…

…and stare longingly at those size 6 jeans every time I look in my closet for something to wear, daydream of what a full night of sleep feels like, and reminisce of a body not decorated with stretch marks… (disclaimer: I wouldn’t trade peeing on my tired, striped self if it meant not having my lil ladies in my life. They are totally worth the underwear change every now and then.)

V

Overheard during Olivia’s preschool circle time earlier today:
Teacher: “Good morning, boys and girls. This week’s letter is V. Let’s go around the circle and have everyone tell us a word that starts with V. I’ll write them on our class list.”
Cooper: “Violin.”
Mikayla: “Violet.”
Jack: “Vine.”
Olivia: “Vincent Van Gogh. That’s two V’s right there.”
And there you have it. My baby girl rocking the preschool letter of the week list…like a boss. Holla.

We Help Mommy…

I have declared this book to be the one and only bedtime story each and every night until these little ladies of mine decide they’re 100% ready to step up to the plate and join Team Laundry, Team Vacuum, and Team Dirty Dish Washing round these parts…

Chatty Camryn…

Usually kids get lethargic and quiet when they have a fever, aches, pains and a sore throat. Eh, not so much when it comes to six-year-old Camryn. It has become quite apparent to me that Children’s Tylenol is the equivalent of speed when in six-year-old Camryn’s body. The kid has spoken more in the last four hours than one usually speaks in a lifetime. Somebody hit the pause button. Please. (If you sense I am begging…you are right).

Where the F#*k Is It?!

Because today…this lady…is me and because of that fact, today’s one and only mission is to finally find that f#*king manual. I am willing to pay top dollar, sell a kid, bake you a pie, mop your floors, fold your laundry…name your price…I’ll pay it.

Always Something There To Remind Me…

No day is complete without that awkward moment when you lift the toilet seat to sit down to pee and discover a surprise floating in the water that screams out, “Hi Mommy! Don’t miss me too much while I am at school today!”

Calories…

Based on the fact I has a great deal of difficulty breathing after forcing myself into my jeans this morning, I am led to believe I have quite an infestation of these lil bastards in my closet…

I’m Gonna be Rich!

Much to my dismay, it seems that as of today, four-year-old Olivia has permanently switched her voice to whine mode and I can’t find the f#*king off switch. So, I hung this sign up in the house. I expect to be a millionaire by Friday.

Yum Yum…

I’ll have the stress and anxiety platter with a side of mentally exhausted and a slice of overwhelmed pie for dessert…

Doggie Dress Up…

Dear Mommy,

I swear I will never poop, pee or puke in the house again if you keep my newest hiding place a secret. I can’t bear the thought of enduring yet another soul-crushing round of doggie dress up with your daughters again. Those two girls are taking years off my life with their antics. I owe you one.

Love,

Mr. Stewey D. Pug

Cue the Carousel Music As Yet Another Day Begins…

Some days seem like nothing more than a blur of laundry, dishawasher loading and unloading, butt wiping, tantrum taming, shoe/sock search and recovery missions, juice cup filling and refilling, snotty nose wiping, hair accessory repositioning, dog poop cleaning up, food shopping field trips, cheese stick unwrapping, piles of toys re-organizing, sibling rivalry refereeing, bath giving, bedtime story reading and finally, passing out cold in bed by 9 pm…only to hop back on the carousel again in ten short hours. Where are the f#*ing brakes on this thing?

We’ve Got a Situation…

And as one child is just about 100% healthy and about to complete her round of antibiotics…the other child swoops in with round two of fevers, pediatrician co-pays and another bottle of Augmentin in the refrigerator…without fail…every. single. time. However, big thanks to six-year-old Camryn for coming to the rescue with some comic relief this evening just as Mo…mmy began to feel herself suffocating from the stress of “When Germs Attack – Round 2.”
Mommy: “Goodnight Camryn. I hope you feel better soon and remember if you need anything during the night just come in our room and wake me up.” Camryn: “Or I could wake Daddy.”
Daddy: “Whoever you want to wake is fine.”
Camryn: (pausing to ponder her thoughts for a moment): “Ok, we’ll see what the situation calls for. Goodnight Mommy and Daddy. Love you.”

The Meowing Artist…

It’s true what they say…you learn something new everyday and today’s life lesson around these parts was to never assume a cat won’t be interested in and/or try to take part when a four year old is playing with a spin art machine. On the bright side, oddly enough, the cat looks funky, fabulous and pretty damn fierce splattered in neon blue, yellow and orange paint…

A Mom Who Can’t Add or Subtract…

My math skills are non-existent, so turns out it’s a good thing I never tried to become an accountant and chose to be Mom of the Year instead…

 

It’s ALL About Me!

…I need a cup of milk, I need a yogurt stick, I need a cheese stick, I need more milk, I need a juice box, I need you to watch me go poopy, I need you to read to me while I go poopy, I need you to wipe my butt, I need goldfish crackers, I need another juice box in a different flavor than last time, I need a bubble gum flavored lollipop, I need you to immediately stop everything you’re doing and abandon your Target shopping cart so you can escort me to the potty again, I need you to sit next to me and observe while I play with my toys, but don’t even think of touching them, I need you to go get my blankie and favorite stuffeed animal of the week, I need you to turn on the tv and surf all 350 channels until I see something I think I would like to watch, I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, here comes another poopy…

Advertising Stupidity…

Because at any given time of the day, there is always at least one status update in your news feed that makes you want to slap the stupid ass bitch upside the head for advertising how stupid they truly are…

Starlight, Starbright, Wish I May, Wish I Might, Have Some Uninterrupted Sleep Tonight…

The day I realized Olivia, my youngest child, was officially potty trained was a big day in my life. I wasn’t sure if I was more excited about not having to change diapers anymore or no longer being forced to get up during the night to free her from her pee and/or poop that she screamed about to let me know she was less than thrilled to be lying in. Both were a mom’s dream come true.

Bye bye overpriced diapers, farewell to a tushy coated in spackle-like poo requiring 47 baby wipes to get it clean and see you later to having to hold my breath for too long to avoid inhaling the toxic poopy fumes…these were all now going to be memories rather than realities. After learning to walk alone and feed herself, my little lady was taking yet another step towards complete independence…and I was one step closer to sleeping through the night now that Miss Independent could take care of her bathroom needs on her own.

However, I was wrong. Very wrong. Yes, I don’t have to buy baby wipes anymore, I can now walk by the diaper aisle in Target and rejoice over all the other things I can spend money on instead. However, the sleep issue is still an issue. It pains me to even write that.

I had such high hopes of nights without wake up calls. Even though Olivia is potty trained and can handle all the steps of using the potty on her own, sometime between approximately 2:00 and 3:00 am, when her bladder sends her a message it’s time to unload, Olivia becomes lonely. For reasons unbeknownst to me, she feels she needs a companion by her side for the trip to the bathroom.

A very frustrating and mind-boggling fact is that the bathroom is right across the hall from Olivia’s room, which means she walks right by the bathroom, all the way down the hall, takes the few minutes or so it takes to rouse me out of my sound sleep, to tell me she needs me to escort her back down the hall to the bathroom and then back to her bed. In the time it takes her to do this ritual, she could easily have made it to the bathroom at the 7-11 down the block, ate a hot dog and arrived back home in less time.

So, this maddening routine went on for a few weeks….and then I had the sit down talk with her to let her know there was no need for me to take her to the bathroom since she was a big girl now. She agreed. Again, I had high hopes. This was it. I had finally made it to the land of uninterrupted slumber. It was a long time coming.

As I lay in bed that night, I dozed off with happy thoughts of waking up to a clock that had a number greater than 3 on it for the first number of the display. However, 3 am rolled around and so did Olivia..right into my bedroom and the following conversation took place…

Olivia: “Um, Mommy. You needs to get up.”

Mommy: “Umph, scrumph, brumph, whut for?”

Olivia: “I wanted to tell you I wents to the potty all by myself.”

Mommy: “Oh, Good job, Liv. I’m proud of you. But, next time you don’t have to wake me up to tell me about it. Just go and them go back to bed. Remember our talk about you being a big girl now?”

Olivia: “Um, yeah, but I really do have to wake you up still.”

Mommy: (shoots up in bed) “Why?!”

Olivia: “So you can tucks me in my bed after I go to the potty.”

Mommy: (stumbling out of bed to tuck Olivia in while waving white flag, while giving the double middle fingers to sleepless nights…)

The Annoying Orange Gets Even More Annoying…

Just when you thought the Annoying Orange videos were annoying enough, your children take it to a whole new level when they discover, play, sing and dance to the Annoying Orange and all his annoying fruity friend backup singers taking on such annoying hits as “Party Rock,” “Friday” and “Bad Romance.”

Dirty Underwear Makes for a Great Day…

Overheard at preschool pickup earlier today…
Mommy: “Hi Liv! How was your day?”
Olivia, 4: “It was good.”
Mommy: “So…what was the best part of your day?”
Olivia, 4: “Well…um, I mades some diarrhea in my underpants.”
Mommy: “Well then. That probably wouldn’t be the highlight of my day if I was in your shoes, but to each their own. What do you say we head home and make giving you a bath our first priority?”
Olivia, 4: “Good idea.”
Mommy: (rolls down car windows)

Starving…With a Full Belly…

The moment when you feel like you may collapse from starvation and then the burn of realizing you finished your last obnoxiously oversized meal less than fifteen minutes ago and you have another two hours and forty-five minutes until snacktime rolls around…

Hallmark Card Writer-In-Training…

Well, well, well…looks like we have a Hallmark card writer-in-training in the house…(and I may, or may not be, slightly jealous that this particular card was created for her friend instead of for her Mommy…)

 

Washable Markers…Built on Lies…

To the manufacturers of markers that have the word “washable” on them but don’t actually wash off of skin in less than three days time…YOU LIE. I’m coming to find you and scribble the word “LIAR” across your foreheads…just as soon as I finish scrubbing four-year-old Olivia’s marker covered hands, face, ears, legs and toes.

Electronic Love….

What’s that you say, sweetie? Hold that thought while I finish this Facebook status update. Or, better yet, email it to me. Love, Mommy

The Pediatrician Rewards Card…

After 1 visit: A free second sticker and/or Dum Dum lollipop

After 2 visits: A free bottle of grape or cherry flavored children’s Tylenol

After 3 visits: A free box of swabs to perform strep throat cultures at home

After 4 visits: A free ear or temporal scanner thermometer

After 5 visits: A “no wait” card to bypass others when the waiting room is full

After 6 visits: Free, 24-hour access to the pediatrician’s personal cell phone

After 7 visits: A free prescription pad, since due to your last six visits to the office during the past two weeks, you are now fully capable of both diagnosing, prescribing for and medicating your child accordingly without the help of a trained pediatrician.

All We Need Is Just a Little Patience…

…and completely lose and go off the deep end once the coast clears…

 

Mommy 101..

As I enter back into the world of academia, I find myself pondering the following quote which came straight from the mouth of my six year old daughter: “So, let me get this straight, Mom. You went to Mommy College to learn how to be a mommy, right? So, now that you are a mommy, you want to go back to school to learn how to be a teacher? Ah, I get it now. Cool.”

Mommy College…a school to learn how to be a perfect mommy. Upon hearing this brilliant idea, I began to envision courses that mommies could enroll in to better prepare themselves for the roller coaster ride that is motherhood. In order to be accepted into Mommy College, there would be a prerequisite course. Below is the course syllabus to give you a better understanding of what this motherhood gig is all about. If you get queasy, faint or break out in a cold sweat at any point while reading, consider yourself NOT ready for motherhood just yet and perhaps reapply at another time in the future.

Course Syllabus – Mommy 101: Everything They Never Tell You But You Really Need To Know in Order to Survive Motherhood

1. You will perform all bathroom tasks with an audience, complete with commentary, critiques and a rating system (this will include, but will not be limited to, urinating, moving your bowels, shaving and popping the occasional pimple on your face).

2. You will second guess EVERYTHING you do, say, wear, eat, drink, buy, return and sell because your thoughts will be preoccupied with how this particular decision, no matter how big or small, will affect your children.

3. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. For example, your child will shower you with compliments about your beauty even when you are in your rattiest pajamas, have morning eye crust in, not one, but both eyes and breath that could clear out a small town it is so potent.

4. You will begrudgingly come to realize you have no other choice but to smile, while nodding your head yes, when your child politely asks for that your last extra crispy, extra greasy french fry as it is en route to your mouth.

5. You will remove the phrase “a sound sleep” from your vocabulary since after having children, everything will cause you to wake up and check on the kids, including a raccoon rummaging through a garbage can 18 blocks away, even though you know it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids and their safety.

6. You will plan, months in advance, to have a night out on the town with your other mommy friends. You will look forward to the two-three hour break from your role as Mommy. However, you will spend 97% of the evening discussing, bragging about and missing your kids.

7. You will effortlessly learn the art of showering in under three minutes and then prioritizing which is more important, mascara or deodorant, when you realize that after then shower you only have two minutes left before having to race the kids to school before the late bell rings.

8. You will forget to put a bra on many mornings, but you will never forget your child’s first word was “gog” as she pointed to the dog, the pink leopard print outfit she had on the day she began to crawl or the white sweater you had on the first time she threw up her pureed peas all over you.

9. You will smile from ear to ear when in a store and overhear a mom say, “Are you serious?! You really pooped in your pants AGAIN?!” and realize this particular poop in not your problem.

10. You will be so excited the end of a long, trying, exhausting day with the kiddies has come to a close and that they are finally snoring away in their beds. However, as you walk past their room on the way to your own comfy bed, you will tiptoe into their rooms and stare at them while they sleep for a minimum of twenty minutes each. These times may also be accompanied by tears of joy as you take the opportunity to fully take in their innocence and beauty.

Upon completion of this course, it is guaranteed that you will still be absolutely clueless on how to be a perfect mother, but to give you peace of mind and hope, you should carry on with this advice…always keep calm, carry on and pretend to know exactly what you’re doing at all times. A journey like this only comes along once in a lifetime. So, fasten your seatbelt, brace yourself, hold on tight and enjoy the ride. There ain’t no other like it, mama.

Mommy Law 396…

If Mommies with daughters who have not yet mastered the art of the “public restroom pee-pee squat” made the laws…all public bathrooms would be mandated to provide toilet seat covers, preferably in either light pink with a cute floral pattern or violet with rainbow colored hearts. Mommies, let’s join together and put an end to the torture of devoting ten minutes to lining the seat with toilet paper only to have it all fall to the floor a milli-second before the kid’s tush hits the seat routine….

Sleepless Nights and Early Morning Wakeups…

…and drag yourself out of bed again at 2:34, 3:08, 3:46, 4:02, 4:19, 4:57, 5:22, and then officially start the day with baby’s 6:41 a.m. morning wake up…

This Mommy Gets Around…

Calling all Facebookers…

You are hereby invited to join my ramblings, epiphanies and tantrums on my Facebook page at:

https://www.facebook.com/Wheresthefckingmommymanual

Looking forward to seeing you there…

 

When Germs Attack…

Why, oh why, does the peak of my children’s illnesses always occur between the hours of two and four AM when my Mommy superpowers are at their weakest, a pile of steaming hot dog poop has been strategically left in the entrance to their bedroom two minutes before they started crying for me and there is only half a dose of bubble gum flavored Children’s Tylenol in the house? It. Never. Fails.

The Never-To-Do List…

Image

…Rolling up to the morning school drop off in stained, ripped seven year old pajamas, obnoxiously fuzzy leopard print slippers, with a makeup-less face, unbrushed teeth, uncombed hair strategically pulled back into what you hope gives off the appearance of a nice sleek ponytail, but actually looks like a rat’s nest being choked by a hair elastic…
Yet still, and without even a question about i…t…taking the walk of shame up to the school’s front doors to hug and kiss your kid at the doors and make sure the little one starts their school day with an “I love you” from Mommy.
(Then sprinting back to the car just in case there were a few straggler parents and teachers that may have somehow missed your morning beauty.)

 

Mommy Dearest Strikes Again….

Camryn, 6: “Hey Daddy, who yells at me louder, you or Mommy? I will give you a hint. This person does NOT have a moustache.”

Daddy: “Is it Mommy?”

Camryn, 6: “Good job, Daddy! You got it right!

Thank You…

Sending out a thank you to all my new, old, real, and electronic friends for taking the time to read, like and share my blog on Scary Mommy today.

Guest Blogger on Scary Mommy…

Run, don’t walk to http://www.scarymommy.com/category/scary-mommy-society/. There’s a guest blogger today on Scary Mommy’s page. It’s me. I couldn’t be more honored to be there…

PS: For all of you Facebookers, you can also indulge in my Mommy ramblings, epiphanies and tantrums at https://www.facebook.com/Wheresthefckingmommymanual

The Lockdown Had Been Lifted…

I have always been so damn proud of myself that five years ago, I made it a priority to buy and actually install one of those clunky, ugly, awkward door knob covers on the front door so the kids weren’t able to escape from the house and walk right into harm’s way.  However, yesterday I stumbled upon four year old Olivia, sitting outside on the front porch, and rea…lized since there was no one else in the house besides me and I sure as hell didn’t open the door, she had to have somehow opened the door all by herself…
Mommy: “Hey Liv, how’d you open the door with the cover thingy on it?”
Olivia: “Oh. That’s super easy. I just takes it off, opens the door and then puts it back on when I’m done so you don’t even know about it.”
Mommy: “Are you for real?”
Olivia, 4: “For real, Mommy…I’ve even been doing that since I was three.”
Mommy: (flings door knob cover into the garbage can and begrudgingly relinquishes control over yet, another aspect of the children’s lives…)

First Grade Math…

Sad, but true…just reading the directions alone on the 1st grade math homework sheets my daughter brings home leave me dizzy, queasy and feeling stupid. Yeah, I admitted it…

Yelling Guilt…

Dear Camryn,

Apparently the guilt I experience after I succumb to a Mommy tantrum and yell at you for something is not sufficient, as seen through your six-year-old eyes. So, I’d like to take a brief moment to express my thanks to you for bursting into tears after I yelled at you this morning for carrying the cat around by her neck and making my guilt that much tougher to swallow.

Love, Mommy Dearest

Poo vs. Poo…

Olivia, 4: (outside closed bathroom door) “Hey, Mommieeee! What are you doing in there?!”

Mommy: “If we’re being completely honest with eachother here, I am pooing.”

Olivia, 4: (after a brief moment of silence) “Um, ok. Well, I needs you to hurry up because you are taking too long.”

Mommy: “Hmph. Is that so? Why do I need to hurry in here?”

Olivia, 4: “Well, I needs you to hurry and wipe your butt already because I needs you to come out here and wipe mine next. I just pooed too.”

Listening To Your Belly…

…And my belly says I should go for seconds on dessert tonight…

Sibling Rivalry….

Liv: “Stoooop it, Camryn. You’re annoying me like crazy when you makes those annoying cat sounds! Ugh! Would ya just stops it already with that!?”
Cam: (glares at Liv, steps closer to her, and leans into her face while dramactically increasing the volume of annoying meows)
Mommy: (clearly overwhelmed and having reached her boiling point) “Ok, that’s it! This is where I freak out on you two! Time… to separate you two ladies! Cam, you’re coming with me to the supermarket and Liv, you’ve won yourself a field trip to Home Depot with Daddy today…
Both girls: (in unison, while embracing one another tightly): “Noooo, Mama! We’re sisters! We just can’t be apart!”
Mommy: (throws hands up, exits house alone, while shaking her damn head)

And a Happy St. Patty’s Day To You…

This year’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration has been sponsored by early bedtimes for the little leprechauns, pizza, beer, loose sweatpants and some sort of fattening, obnoxiously oversized dessert. And remember folks, have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day and more importantly…Erin Go Bragh-less.

Bathing Suit Torture…

…Except having to see yourself completely naked in the three-way fitting room mirror before putting the bathing suit on and then again after taking it off…

A Not So Like New Vagina…

I salute you, moms of many children. For, I never even made past the second kid and my vagina still shall never be the same….

A Mommy Vacation…

Wandering the supermarket solo at your own desired pace and not having to remove any sugary, overpriced items from the cart at the checkout, having to wait longer than usual at the dentist’s office and therefore getting to read People magazine from cover to cover, getting a haircut with the bonus of having your hair dried too, paying an unrushed visit to the toilet behind a locked bathroom door…

A Snake in the Pants…

I probably should’ve went with my Mommy instinct that told me the show “Drake and Josh” was a bit too mature for my lil four and six year old ladies, but instead I decided to wing it, play the role of super mom and grant their wish to watch it. Within the first five minutes of the episode, the following conversation took place in my living room:
 Olivia, 4: “Hey Mom! Josh has a snake!”
Mommy: “Oh,… really? That’s cool.”
Olivia, 4: “Yeah, he does have a snake…a snake in his pants.”
Mommy: “Alrighty, then! Time to say goodbye to Drake, his friend Josh and Josh’s snake. Let’s go give a warm welcome back to our good, old wholesome old friend, Dora.” (click)
Olivia, 4 and Camryn, 6 (in unison): “Noooooooooooooooooo!”

Don’t Preperb the Princess…

Mommy: (innocently knocks on Olivia’s bedroom door)

Olivia, 4: (yells from other side of closed door) “Can’t you read the sign?! It says DON’T PREPERB THE PRINCESS!”

Mommy: “So you’re saying I should stop by again later then?”

Olivia, 4: “I SAID…DON’T PREPERB THE PRINCESS!!”

Mommy’s Off Duty…

Bra’s off and therefore, Mommy has officially punched out for the day. Please leave any and all comments, criticisms, demands, requests and/or questions at the door.

Thanks so much, Mommy.

Beware….

Yep. It’s one of those kinda days today. Consider yourself warned…

No More Whining…

To Olivia, my darling preschooler who would effortlessly win the gold medal in a whining contest any day of the week…

With Love, Mommy

Ru Roh, I Got a Boo-Boo Too…

Can someone please explain the phenomenon of why when one kid gets a band-aid any and all other kids, within a thirty-five feet radius of the incident, automtically begin scanning their entire bodies for a boo-boo of their own and if they do not locate one, they may even resort to entertaining the thought of purposely injuring themselves in order to get a Scooby Doo band-aid too?

Yet Another Not So Proud Mommy Moment…

As if granting the kids’ request to go to McDonald’s for dinner wasn’t bad enough, McDonald’s had to make it even worse by providing a large screen tv, showing one of the most obnoxious Spongebob episodes ever created, for the kids to stare at while eating their Happy Meals. …So, in an attempt to erase my guilt and right my wrongs, I quickly realized I had no other choice and did what had to be done. I bought the kids ice cream sundaes and then scarfed down their leftover fries. Mission accomplished.

Mom’s In A Good Mood….

Although rare…Mommy does find herself in a good mood every now and then. So, strike while the iron is hot, kiddies. For who knows what mood tomorrow shall bring…

Say It Don’t Spray It…

…starting the day with that awkward moment of yelling at your child while you are charged with such anger and frustration that you accidentally start spitting all over the place and aren’t sure whether to continue yelling, cower with embarassment, laugh or apologize and offer your child a towel…

Awkward Mommy Moment….

…When your child points directly at the androgynous person standing standing next to you in the store and yells out, “Um, Mommy? Is that a boy or a girl?!”…and you can’t decide which to reply with because you have no freaking clue either….

Playground Rules and Regulations…

Mommy: “Ok girls I have two playground rules today. One, do NOT even allow the thought of going near the sandbox enter your mind. Remind yourself animals, and most likely some deranged people, pee, poop and puke in there. And two, if either of you cry, whine or give me and type of grief when I say it is time to leave you can consider this your last visit to a play…ground because, if it’s on my watch, you won’t set foot in one ever again. Now that we got that out in the open…any questions?”
 
Camryn, 6: “Uh, yeah. Mom…you forgot the most important rule of all…”
 
Mommy: “And what might that rule be, Cam?”
 
Camryn, 6: “Duh, Mommy! TO HAVE FUN!” (runs off, hand in hand with her sister towards nearest slide)
Mommy: (feeling stupid, hollers after children) “Uh, yeah..there is that too…..I was getting to that…rule number three…have fun!”

The Forgotten…

Lunch, snack, her entire folder containing all of last night’s homework, an already overdue library book, that book report you made her finish early but just never made it into her backpack on the due date, a pencil (with the bonus of a non-chewed eraser this time around), her black and white marble notebook which is home to her spelling words she wanted to study on the way to school because she’d get a really cool “You’re an A+” sticker if she got 100% on the test, that random raccoon-shaped Squinkie she accidentally left on the kitchen counter…all of which are sure to ruin her whole day and somehow end up being your fault…

u-nique: [yoo-neek] adj.: having no like or equal; unparalleled; incomparable

I’m a control freak. Always have been, probably always will be and forever at battle with myself not to be. However, something came over me (most likely exhaustion from arguing with Olivia) and I decided to let go of the reins and relinquish control over what she wears to school today.

Here’s the result…and if you’ll excuse me, I am now off to go work
on a new accessory for Olivia to wear to school…a pin, bedazzled and peppered with hot pink glitter, of course, that reads “My Mom Had Absolutely NOTHING To Do With This Outfit.”

How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?!

You know you have repeated yourself one too many times when…you glare at your child while they are doing something wrong, say “What am I going to say to you right now?” and the child screams back, “Stop squeezing the goddman cat!”

A F#*king Mommy Secret:

Don’t tell my six year old daughter, but I am totally  intimidated by and feel like a mental midget in her presence when she nonchalantly incorporates the words nocturnal, echolocation and habitat into our everyday conversations. What’s your f#*king mommy secret? You know ya got one…

As The Saying Goes…

Camryn, 6: “Mommy, some kids at school said I am the smallest first grader in the school…”
Mommy: “Well, Cam. There’s no need to get upset because we all know that good things come in small packages.”
Camryn, 6: “Ohhhh. Riiiiight. I get it now. So I guess that is one of those old … sayings people like to use, huh?”
Mommy: “Exactly.”
Camryn, 6: “Like when my teacher wants us to be quiet and says zip it, lock it, and put it in your pocket!”

Here Pussy, Pussy…

Of all the words that make up the English langage, there are only two which I loathe. Always have. Always will. I hate the sound of them, the look of them and cringe each and everytime I hear them spelled, spoken, whispered or yelled. The offending words are gyrate and pussy. Ironically, my children have, or shall I say had, no knowledge of how much I detest these words. Yet still, they have managed to add one of them to their never-ending list of “Ways to Push Mommy Closer to the Edge of Insanity.”
Olivia, 4: “Hey mom. Would it be ok if I call the cat pussy from now?”
Mommy: (internally screaming) : “Uh, no. It most definitely would not be okay.”
Olivia, 4: (smirking while scurrying after the cat) “Ok. Here little pussy, pussy!”
Mommy: (covers ears and starts singing obnoxiously loud to herself to drown out Olivia)

An Early Saturday Morning Visit with a Rat Named Chuck…

What’s worse than having to take your kid to a birthday party at Chuck E .Cheese’s? Having to take your kid to a party at Chuck E. Cheese’s at 9:30 on a Saturday morning. Off I go…don’t be jealous.

Just Another Light Bedtime Conversation with Olivia…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, do you still loves me when I don’ts earn a “Good Listener” certificate at school?”
Mommy: “Yes, of course I still love you. I always love, I just don’t like when you don’t earn the certificate because it means you didn’t follow directions at school that day.”
Olivia, 4: “Well, do you still loves me when I stink?”
Mommy: “Yes, I even love you when you are really, really stinky.”
Olivia, 4: “Oh, yeah, well hows about whens I makes really, really stinky diarrhea?”
Mommy: “Yep, still love you then, but honestly, I really don’t care for the diarrhea.”
Olivia, 4: “Ok, good.”
Mommy: “Goodnight, Olivia. I love you and your diarrhea.”
Olivia, 4: “Night, Mama.” (farts)

Bedtime Stories…

To be put into use at tonight’s bedtime and every night thereafter, yet with a slight twist on it… “And the little girls who got up out of their bed after being tucked in to ask for water, kisses, hugs, a bandaid, a headband, a specific stuffed animal strategically hidden under the bed or for any other goddamn reason will get eaten by an awful slimy monster and never be heard from again. The end. Good night and sweet Dreams, my little angels.”

RIP Little Marker…

That exhilirating moment when you stumble upon the missing cap to that sad, capless marker the kids abandoned earlier in the day…after you already threw out the marker. Even after a desperate attempt to sift through the garbage to rescue it, it has completely dried out anyway. And sadly, another Crayola marker life is lost. Sleep well and rest in peace, Cherry Red. Please tell Violet, Tangerine and Rain Drop Blue we send our regards.

Sibling vs. Sibling…

That moment when you are yelling at one kid and, like clockwork, the other kid strolls on over to give you a great big hug, kiss and an enthusiastic “I love you so much, Mama! You’re not mad at me right now, riiiiight?” while smirking at their sibling…

Daddy’s a Closet Duran Duran Fan…

 Not being much of a Duran Duran fan myself, well actually, not a fan at all…

I find four year old Olivia walking around the house singing “Rio” both unsettling, yet intriguing at the same time.
What’s even more interesting is the fact that when asked how she knows the song, she replied, “Um, didn’t ya knows, Mommy? This is Daddy’s favorite song. He likes to plays it when we are driving in his car.”

So, it seems my husband is a closet Duran Duran fan and now I am left wondering what other deep, dark secrets he had been keeping from me for the last sixteen years…

They’re All Gonna Laugh At Me….

Camryn, 6 (pouting): “Mom, I think when you drop me off at school today everybody is going to laugh at me if I wear this shirt you put out for me…”

Mommy: “Nah, don’t even worry about that, Cam. They won’t even notice you or your shirt because they will be too busy laughing at your mother trying to pull off her “I swear I purposely styled my hair like a rat’s nest and no, I did not wear these wrinkled, pajama-esque clothes to sleep last night” look.

*Please refer to portrait of “bedhead Mommy” below…courtesy of Camryn, 6.

Mini Me x2…

As I approach the end of my day, I take a moment to reflect upon my morning, which was jam-packed with yelling, whining, tantruming and tears. Today proved to be one of those “call my mother and profusely apologize for my unruly, exhausting, frustrating and, at times, straight up shocking behavior as a child” kind of days.  It turns out what they say is true. Payback is a bitch and I got it two-fold when I gave birth to not one, but two, mini-me’s. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. PS: I swear, the sound of my mother’s laughter as I pleaded with her to divulge any and all secrets of how she survived raising me is still haunting me right now. Deep breaths…

Diet Schmiet…

I’ll get back to my diet…just as soon as I finish chewing this bag of mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups…I swear.

 

Target Shopping Cart Aerobics…

Navigating the Target shopping cart around the store with four-year-old, fifty pound Olivia hanging off the back of it is, without a shadow of a doubt, going to be considered my exercise for the day…as well the perfect excuse to give those last few Girl Scout cookies in the kitchen cabinet a nice home in my belly.

Artist Mommy…

Overheard in the children’s room at the library during an Arts and Crafts program…

Olivia, 4: (gazing at and in absolute amazement of the mom sitting next to us drawing on her son’s paper) “Um, Mom? Ya knows…that lady right there. Um, she draws much better than you do.”

Mommy: “Um, Olivia? Ya knows…I never wanted to judge you or anything, but if we’re playing dirty today…you ALWAYS color outside of the lines. So there.”

Olivia, 4: (still gazing at artist mom while totaling ignoring each and every word Mommy just spoke)

Early Morning Butts, Noses, Justin Beiber and Puss in Boots….

Before becoming a Mommy, I never imagined in my most twisted dreams, yet am oddly in awe of that fact, that I just exclaimed the following statements in less than one minute… “Get your hand out of your butt and your other hand out of your nose!” “Stop dancing your Justin Bieber-esque dance moves on top of the coffee table!” “When the cat screeches it means she’s NOT enjoying rolling across the… floor in a chokehold!” “No! You’re not a cat, so stop talking about trying to lap up the milk like Puss in Boots and use the damn straw!” …and all before 8:00 AM.

Karma’s a Puking Cat…

It was just a few weeks ago I was thanking my lucky stars for the stroke of luck I received when my husband was the one showered in four year old Olivia’s post airplane flight puke instead of me. However, as we all know karma is a bitch and while in some cultures it may be considered good luck to suddenly wake up in bed to a cat throwing up on your chest, I consider it, without a a doubt, to be the most disgusting experience in my thirty four years of life. It seems karma’s a bitch…and so is my cat.

A Letter To The Cat…

Dear Cat,

To my dear furry feline angel sent from up above… I owe my sanity to you, my four legged dream come true. The one who sat beside four-year-old, super high-maintenance Olivia for a full 35 minutes today while tolerating her storytime, dance party and dress up session which allowed me 35 minutes of peace and quiet. I shall never forget your kindness. I am forever indebted to you, oh great whiskered one, and for that I shall give to you a bottomless bowl of the finest milk money can buy. You have earned it.

With Sincere Thanks,
Your Owner

A Letter To An Angel Cat…

Dear Cat,

To my dear furry feline angel sent from up above… I owe my sanity to you, my four legged dream come true. The one who sat beside four-year-old, super high-maintenance Olivia for a full 35 minutes today while tolerating her storytime, dance party and dress up session which allowed me 35 minutes of peace and quiet. I shall never forget your kindness. I am forever indebted to you, oh great whiskered one, and for that I shall give to you a bottomless bowl of the finest milk money can buy. You have earned it.

With Sincere Thanks, Your Owner

Namaste…

Overheard at a family yoga class earlier today…

Yoga Teacher: “That concludes our class. May you be joyous and free. Namaste.”

Class: (so silent you can hear a pin drop while bowing their heads with hands at heart center)

Young Yogi, named Olivia, 4: (in her usual bellowing voice): “Um, everyone, ya knows…Namaste means beautiful in Spanish!”

Mommy: (shooting Olivia one of her patented “zip it now” looks)

Young Yogi, named Olivia, 4: “Whut? It do. It really do, Mommy!”

Magical Mommy Secrets…

Camryn, 6: “Mom, guess what I had for breakfast?!”

Mommy: “What did you have?”

Camryn, 6: “That delicious new cereal you bought. I am in love with those Lucky Charms!”

Mommy: “Oh yeah. Me too. So, can you guess what I had for dinner last night?”

Camryn, 6: “Um…Lucky Charms?”

Mommy: “Bingo.”

Camryn, 6: “Wait a minute, I didn’t know you could have them for dinner too! It’s like breakfast for dinner. Great idea, Mommy!”

Mommy: “Stick with me kiddo, I am just chockful of magically delicious secrets.”

The Kids Are Innocent…This Time.

The embarrassment truly stings when you are mid-scold about the crumbs you just noticed on the couch and upon wiping them up you realize they are actually from the Girl Scout Tagalong cookies you made close friends with the night before while watching the Biggest Loser and therefore, the kids are innocent this time around.

Three Cupcakes…But, Who’s Counting?

Overheard at a playdate, which included cupcakes, earlier this afternoon:

Mommy: (appalled at the sight of Olivia standing in front of three empty cupcake wrappers) “Uh, Olivia, did you eat all three of those cupcakes?!”

Olivia, 4: “NO! I didn’t eat three of them! I ate one and then two other ones.”

Mommy: “Folks, we have a budding mathematician on our hands.”

Just Like Mommy…

Just another average Mommy’s having repeated tantrums kind of day and I would bet a pretty penny this has run through Olivia’s four-year-old head at least a few times today…

#1 Parent Status…

Neither of my children have ever been the clingy type, but recently, Olivia has been having trouble separating from me, and only me, so I decided to do a little research to discover why…

Mommy: “So, Olivia why do you cry when Mommy drops you off at school lately?”

Olivia, 4: “Um, because I just loves you so much, Mommy.”

Mommy: “Oh. that’s very sweet and I love you too, but why don’t you cry when Daddy drops you off at school?”

Olivia, 4: “Oh, well that’s because I only loves him a little bit.”

Mommy: “Oh, I see. Well, it’s best we keep this little secret between us, little lady.” (shamelessly smiling over the the fact she currently holds the coveted title of #1 parent).

It’s Just F#*king Ridiculous!

There’s only one thing more humiliating than that moment when your child utters something completely socially unacceptable in public…and it’s the next moment when your desperate prayers are ignored and your child proudly reports to the shocked old lady gasping for air behind you in the Kohl’s line that they learned the phrase “this is f#*king ridiculous” from her Mommy and that Mommy says it all the time. I was left with no choice but to let the old lady know the truth…that Liv’s claim is a total lie and absolutely f#*king ridiculous.

Fatty McFatty Pants Kinda Day…

A perfect fit for one of those “feeling like a fatty mcfatty pants kinda days.” Such as, today.

Not All Moms Like Michael Bolton…

Enough’s enough with the judgemental, disapproving looks from those tightass parents who walk past my car every day at school pickup. What did you think? I continue to torture myself with those horrid Kidz Bop CDs after the kids have exited the car in the morning? Look away while humming your all-time favorite Michael Bolton song, keep walking and allow me the pleasure of indulging in the last two minutes and thirteen seconds of the latest Jay Z jam before the children and their virgin ears start pouring out of the school doors. You’ve been warned.

Cry Baby…

In Olivia’s best effort to not break routine, we were graced with one of her infamous furious four tantrums upon leaving the park today…
Mom: “Well, well, well. We’re leaving the park and Olivia is crying like a baby. What a surprise.”
Cam: “Hmph. Hey mom, THIS is why I don’t think we should have anymore babies in our family.”
Mom: “Not to worry. There are NOT going to be anymore babies in this family.”
Cam: (dramatically swipes hand across forehead) “Phew! Thanks, Mom!”
Liv: (still crying with no signs of stopping anytime soon)

Leap Year, Schmeap Year…

Camryn, 6: “Mom, can you tell me about why we have leap years?”

Mommy: “How about we talk about which Littlest Pet Shop’s your favorite instead?”

Camryn, 6: “Sure! Ok, let’s see. So, there’s sooooo many to choose from. I love, love, loe the elephant because he is purple, which is actually my favorite color and then I really like the cat because she came with that cute little fishy toy or, wait, I really like the lizard….”

Crisis averted.

It’s Only For Pee-Pee This TIme!

Overheard at the pool during a recent family vacation…a vacation which just so happened to be chockful of Olivia’s vomit and diarrhea…

Olivia, 4 (bellowing to ensure all hotel guests within 1 mile of the pool can hear her loud and clear): “Hey Mommy! I haves to use the potty, but don’t worry it’s not going to be to puke this time! This time I just haves to makes the pee-pee!”

Mommy: (puts head down in a weak attempt to avoid the awkward stares from the other swimmers as they scurry to the nearest pool exit.)

FU of the Day…

Today’s heartfelt FU goes to those last few minutes of your prized, precious 30 minutes of “kid-free down time” when you realize you just wasted the last 30 minutes trying to decide what you should do with your 30 minutes of “kid-free down time” and then the kids are already back in your possession and waiting, rather impatiently, for the next stop on Mommy’s endless carousel of activities.