Monthly Archives: May 2012

Uh Oh…

Advertisements

Beans, Beans. They’re Good For Your Heart…

Dear Preschool Teacher,

Let it be known that Olivia chose her own lunch today. Please accept my apologies in advance for any aftermath her lunch may cause in class today.

Sincerely, Her Mommy

PS: There’s a can of air freshener in her backpack…just in case.

Mommy Loves To Clean Messes…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mommy, what are you cleaning the house for?”

Mommy: “Because I just love cleaning up messes and wouldn’t you know it…there just happens to be a few around here today that need cleaning up.”

Camryn, 6: “Oh. I thought it was just because someone is coming over because that’s when you always clean the house.”

Mommy: (turns vacuum back on and makes mental note to step it up in the housekeeping department…)

Mommy Frizziest…

Dear Humidity,

Please stop mocking me and making a joke of my countless attempts at taming my very lion’s mane-esque hair today. That is all.

With Sincere Thanks,

That Mommy with the Super Frizzy Hair

Speaking the Truth…

Because when no one else wants to say it…out of f#*king no where…it’s usually this gal right here…saying it loud and proud.

Geography 101…

Overheard in the backseat of the car a mere five minutes into a road trip from New York to Massachusetts…
Olivia, 4: “Hey, um, Camryn, are we in Italy yet?”
Camryn, 6: “Oh no, Olivia. We are still in America, ya silly. Let me explain our… trip to you. It goes like this. Once we get to Massachusetts it will be…hello Massachusetts…goodbye America!”
Olivia, 4: “Oh. I gets it now. Thanks, Camryn.”
Camryn, 6: “You are very welcome.”

Overheard at the local veterinarian’s waiting room…

Random Cat-Loving Man: “Hi, little girl. Can I pet your adorable kitten?”
Olivia, 4: (stares at man)
Random Cat-Loving Man: (leans in to pet kitten) “He is so cute! I just love cats but… I can’t get one because my wife is allergic to them. Thanks for letting me pet him.”
Olivia, 4: (stares at man)
Random Cat-Loving Man: (walks away)
Olivia, 4: “Hey Mommy, did he just says that his wife is allergics to cats?”
Mommy: “Yes, he did.”
Olivia, 4: “Um, well if he really wants a cat then he just needs to gets another wife to marry who isn’t allergic to them. That’s all.”

The Know-It-All Momma…

Because we all know one, if not more, of this kind… The mom who is constantly telling you the way you should discipline your kids while hers are out stealing cars, robbing banks and making a straight up fool out of their know-it-all momma…

Here We Go Again…

And just like that my dreams of Chicken Marsala crumbled into breakfast for dinner…for the third time this week. Thank you, Eggo waffles for saving the day…again.

Slow and Steady Does Not Get To School Before the Bell…

Why is it that while preparing to get ready for school the phrase “hurry up” is apparently code for “immediately drop your speed to -55 mph” when heard through the ears of my children. Like turtles, I tell ya. Turtles in slow motion they are. But even turtles need to get educated so…let’s get a move on little ones!

Who Gives a F*#k?

Even though at times I reach a state of full-blown panic and convince myself it very well just may…is the world REALLY going to stop if…
~ My daughter enters school with pigtails that are slightly uneven?
~ I leave the house with dog AND cat fur on my black pants?
~ The dirty dishes are STILL in the sink at the end of the day?
~ A load of clothes has been in the dryer collecting wrinkles for the last two days?
~ Dinner for my kids did NOT include a vegetable tonight?
~ I haven’t seen the floor of my child’s bedroom in weeks?”
~ Both kids ate a breakfast of Cocoa Krispies AGAIN this morning?
~ One kid’s hands, arms, right leg and left ear lobe look like they got attacked by a blue, non-washable Crayola marker?
 ~ One kid’s wearing more of her pizza lunch than she actually ate?
 ~ I let, yet another “oh shit” slip after getting cut off while driving with the little ones in the backseat?
~ I decide at the end of a long day that sometimes simply not giving a f#*k is truly where it’s at…?

Hamburger Ice Cream…

Camryn, 6: “Oh Mommy…my belly is so super full that I can’t even eat another bite of my dinner.”

Mommy: “So after two bites of a hamburger, you are full?”

Camryn, 6: “Oh yeah! I am full alright!”

Mommy: “Ok then, consider dinner to be over then.”

<five seconds later>

Camryn, 6: “So, ah, Mom…what kind of ice cream do they have for dessert at this restaurant anyway?”

Mommy: “Hamburger flavor.”

Camryn, 6: (pouting) “Awwwww, man!”

A Mommy Moment…

Sometimes a mommy just has to take a moment to sit back and look at the big picture. This is one of my moments…

The Public Pooper…

Why is it that your child never has to use the bathroom when you ask twelve times before leaving the house, but the minute they step foot in a store…BAM! The kid “needs a potty NOW because the poop is about to shoot right out of their butt!” Like clockwork…it never f#*king fails.

Look Out Kindergarten, There’s About To Be A New Sheriff In Town…

To My Dearest Potential Kindergartener,

Thank you in advance for witholding from engaging in any of your infamous super-charged tantrums, whining, screaming, and other various unwelcome acts you are known display in public, during today’s kindergarten orientation. Thank you for dazzling the school faculty with your best behavior and sweetest smile. Mommy just can’t bear the thought of you getting blacklisted from Kindy before you are even enrolled.

With Love, Mommy

PS: I have a bubble gum flavored Dum Dum lollipop with your name on it in my pocketbook if you obey my commands…just saying.

Mommy Mornings…

A Mommy Reality Show That Keeps It Real… Like a bat out of hell…it’s the school day morning routine!  Each morning there’s a new challenging obstacle for mommy to conquer. Will today’s challenge be cleaning up a cup of spilled milk before a child lands in it? Or maybe it will be discovering the origins of that rancid smell and then cleaning up the dog poop in the hallway before a child steps in it.  Will it be to make sense of and conquer a knot that is the size of a small raccoon in the four-year-old’s hair? Perhaps it will be the nervewracking challenge of completing her own shower, makeup application and getting dressed in under five minutes time. Each morning brings new challenges. Each morning brings chaos, screaming and exhaustion. Tune in to watch a mom tackle more between 7:30 and 9:30 am than others tackle in a full 24 hours. Brace yourself. This is not your average reality show. This is real life…through the eyes of a Mommy who usually has no clue what she is doing, but puts on quite a good show pretending she does…while keeping her fingers crossed it all gets done before the school bell rings.

The Mommy To-Do List…

Ah yes, the “real” to-do list…sprinkled with some laundry, a little butt wiping, some meal prep, a whole lot of dish washing, a bit of disciplining, loads of cleaning up toys and searching for missing ones, a whole lotta referring, a tad …of mom’s taxi-ing, a nice sized chunk of homework assisting, some lunch box packing, a bit of brushing teeth supervision, bedtime book reading and then finally concluding with goodnight kiss giving.

Starvation…

Olivia, 4: “Uhhh! Mommy! I’m so starving! Do you haves a snack?”

Mommy: “Let’s see. Today, in my Mommy snack arsenal I have Cheez-Its, a chocolate chip granola bar, Scooby Doo fruit snacks, pretzels, and an apple.”

Olivia, 4: “Um, do you haves any different snacks for me?”

Mommy: “No, I don’t. So much for starving, huh?”

Olivia, 4: (pouting)

Mommy: (eyes fruit snacks while contemplating indulging in them)

Dinner vs. Disney…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, my friend Jillian got to go to Disney.”

Mommy: “Is that so? Well, you got served dinner tonight. Such lucky children you both are.”

Camryn: “Um, so then I am guessing we can’t go to Disney anytime soon?”

Mommy: “Now you’re picking up what I’m putting down.”

Camryn: “Hmph.”

Mommy Porn…

I was blessed beyond my wildest dreams to encounter the following sign while at a Mother’s Day spa trip this past weekend and upon reading these glorious words, my own personal Mommy-esque translation of the words on the sign popped into my  head and went a little something like this: NO KIDS ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. NONE. NADA. ZIP. ZERO. YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A WHINE FREE, TANTRUM FREE, CRY FREE ZONE. SAVOR THE MOMENT WHILE IT LASTS. The ultimate form of Mommy porn ever. Ever.

Queen Mommy…

Queen Mommy’s bag is packed and she’s smiling ear to ear for tomorrow is…wait for it…a Mother’s Day gift of a spa day. A full day of getting waited on hand and foot, spending some quality time with the Hunger Games books, wiping no one’s butt but her own and silence. A full day of recharging and getting made all shiny and new. Looks like someone won the Mommy lottery up in here…and it’s this girl right here. (takes a moment to thank her lucky stars for her stroke of good luck)

You say Chapstick, I Say Chopstick…

Olivia, 4: “Um, ya know? Mom, I just loves chopstick and it makes my lips feel me better when they are all chipped.”

Mommy: “Agreed, Liv. I’m a big fan of chopstick too.”

Olivia, 4: (smears entire lower half of face with pink-tinted chapstick)

*Some might call my failure to correct Olivia’s speech a major mommy faux paus. However, I call it a necessity in case she ever says it again and blesses me with yet another good hearty belly laugh.

Mommy Mystery #3,498:

Is it only my kids who were born with the added bonus feature of a built in radar that alerts them to immediately stop whatever it is that they are doing and hurry off to pester Mommy as soon as she enters the bathroom, turns on the hairdyer, picks up the phone, turns on the computer, walks in the house, sits down to eat or attempts to steal five minutes to kick up her feet and recharge?

With Gratitude…

Dear Nick Jr., Nickelodeon, The Disney Channel, Disney Junior, Cartoon Network, The Hub and PBS Kids,

Because of you, I have managed to maintain my sanity over the last six years and for that I thank you from the bottom of my mommy heart.

With Love and Gratitude,

A Mommy

Eureka!

Camryn, 6: (lets out a shockingly dramatic gasp while drawing)

Mommy: (runs down the stairs two at a time) “What is it? What’s wrong, Camryn?

Camryn, 6: “Oh, nothing, mama. I’m just doing something BRILLIANT!!”

Mommy: (catches breath)”Well, carry on then brilliant one.”

A Not So Scary Mommy…

Camryn, 6: (glancing over Mommy’s shoulder) “Hey Mom why are you looking at the website called Scary Mommy?”
Mommy: “It’s one of my favorites, so I like to check it out.”

Camryn, 6: “Hmmmm…well, uh, I don’t really think you should be reading that website because you aren’t even a scary mommy.”

Mommy: (smiles and crowns Camryn favorite child of the day)

A Moment of Cookies…

When the going gets stressful…the stressed eat…because cookies make everything okay…especially those new amazing Chips Ahoy Chewy Gooey Fudge Filled cookies…those can erase stress within seconds of the first bite…and if warmed in the microwave for fifteen seconds before eating, have been known to make miracles happen. Now would be a good time to hit up your local supermarket for your very own package of these heavenly creations. Enjoy.

Party Rock Is In Oliva’s Room Tonight…

I am completely convinced that each night, after I kiss her goodnight, turn off her light and shut her bedroom door, a disco ball lowers down from her ceiling, a d.j. starts spinning today’s hottest kid-friendly pop tunes, the apple juice starts flowing and a straight up wild party, complete with floor shaking dancing, singing and the occasional fancy gymnastics move begins. Some nights I am torn whether to obey my mommy instinct to shut down the festivities or throw on my black strappy platform dancing shoes, grab a Capri Sun and join in. Sometimes it truly sounds like one hell of a good time you just don’t want to miss…

Scrapped Scrapbook Dreams…

Where can I sign me up for this service…because one day, I WILL fulfill those lofty pre-kid dreams of creating elaborate scrapbooks and precious photo albums to put on display on my coffee table for all to loo…k throughin awe of my memory-making skills. One day. However, until then, I shall continue to force myself to remember to download them off of my camera once a week…okay, okay, let’s be honest here, maybe once every three months and then file them in that folder on my computer labeled “For That Scrapbook of the Kids You Swore You’d Make Approximately Six Years Ago and Still Haven’t Gotten Around to Starting Yet.”

Mommy Epiphany/Rant/Tantrum #6,290,452,198:

All children’s clothing maufacturers should be required by Mommy law to sell clothing that is 110% stain-proof when it comes to chicken nugget grease, pizza grease, grass stains and marker stains from markers that the packaging swore were “totally washable.”

Olivia vs. Big Mouth…

This is a shout out to that random big mouth mom I encountered at today’s school pickup…
Big Mouth: “Ah, little girl. Why don’t you have your hood up. Your hair is going to get all wet from the rain. Don’t ya know it?”
Olivia, 4: “Well……I just don’t wants it on.”
Big Mouth: (glaring at Mommy) “She should really have it on.”
Mommy: “You heard the little lady. Her hair. Her hood. Her choice whether to wear it or not.”
Big Mouth: (disgusted, yet speechless)

Bittersweet Mommy Moment #7,207:

Realizing your reading services are no longer needed at bedtime because due to your children’s newfound kickass literacy skills, you have been forced to resign as head storybook reader.

Where the Mommy Truth Is At…

So, I kinda didn’t find myself too interested in and even a bit bored by the whole recent uproar over the latest Time Magazine cover controversy…but then I stumbled upon this gem, laughed outloud and had to pass the smiles along to all the other mommies who could probably use a smile or two this morning. These covers are where the mommy truth is at. Enjoy.

Picking Your Battles…

Such as:
“Do I seriously have to take a shower tonight?”
“Do I really have to wash my hands after I poop?”
“Why do I have to go to bed NOW?”
“If you make us eat a vegetable with dinner please don’t make it be peas. PLEASE. I’m begging you.”
“Will my favorite shirt be washed for me to wear tomorrow?”
“Why can’t I just have one more cheesestick before bedtime?”
“Do I really have to eat this food you made for dinner?”
“Can you get off your Facebook so I can watch Justin Bieber videos on You Tube?”

Making Momma Proud…

The fear that strikes upon overhearing a fellow mom whisper the phrase “Whose kid is that lifting up her skirt and showing off her new Barbie underwear?” is debilitating, but nothing compared to the feeling of shock when you turn to see it is, in fact, your four-year-old daughter. However, that feeling doesn’t hold a candle to the feeling of uncertainty as you force yourself to choose between grabbing her, heading for the hills and never looking back or pretending you have no clue who she belongs to because your kid would never do such a thing. Never.

Another Monday. Another Diet.

I give myself an E for effort. I try to obey the diet. I truly do. But, the power of ice cream is strong, so when my friends Ben and Jerry call, I come running….with a spoon, chocolate syrup, rainbow colored sprinkles and a can of whipped cream in hand.

Mommy Inspired Invention #451:

The creation of and installation of a recordable device that is activated each time your child sits on the toilet that yells out, in your very own Mommy voice, “PLEASE don’t forget to wipe, make sure it’s front to back and for god’s sake, PLEASE flush when you’re done because I do NOT want to see your pee pee or poop when I sit down to use the toilet myself. Thanks so much and please remember to wash your hands before exiting the bathroom. Mommy loves you.”

Motherhood…

“The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill

To All Of You Mommies…

I wish you a day without tantrums, a day of being showered with kiddie hugs, kisses and heartwarming homemade gifts, a day of splurging on fattening yummy foods, a day that does not include the use of a vacuum, broo…m, mop, washing machine, dryer or dishwasher, a day of being waited on like a queen, a day of not wiping anyone else’s butt but your own, a day of rolling out of bed whenever the mood strikes, and a day that includes at least one moment when you step back, take a deep breath and give thanks for your little ones who have given you the priviledge to take on the most unpredictable, challenging and rewarding job you shall ever have…motherhood.   No matter what they may be, may all of your Mother’s Day wishes come true…

Mommy confession #4,538: I may or may not have a severe addiction to fruit snacks…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, where’s did the Tom & Jerry fruit snacks go?”

Mommy: “Uh, um, I guess you ate them all up.”

Olivia, 4: I don’t thinks so. Well, where did the box of Phineas and Ferb fruit snacks go?”

Mommy: (mumbling) “Would you hate me if I told you the truth which is that I gave all the fruit snacks a home in my belly?”

Olivia, 4: “What you say?!” Mommy: (silence)

Excuses, Excuses…

And don’t forget to have a socially acceptable excuse lined up for when the guests ask what’s wrong with you. Acceptable answers include a severe allergic reaction to folding laundry, a rash from washing dishes, a migraine brought on by listening to children whine, dizziness from cleaning up kid, cat and/or dog poop, and a debilitating backache from giving in when your 50 pound daughter asked for a piggy back ride…

All I Ever Needed To Know About Bandicoots (and Other Random Lesser Known Creatures) I Learned From My Six-Year-Old…

Who knew there were books on Bandicoots? Who sought out and borrowed a book on Bandicoots from the library? Who even knew… what a Bandicoot was? Who reads the books and then schools her mother and other family memebers on Bandicoot fun facts? My six-year-old daughter. That’s who. Without a doubt, I’ve learned more about animals in the six years she has been on this Earth than I have learned in my entire academic career. Next up, a lesson on the life cycle of the pygmy marmoset…

Hi ho! Hi ho!

It’s off to a sleepover at grandma and grandpa’s the kiddies go. This rare streak of luck and good fortune calls for a night of bottomless wine glasses. Who feels like she just won the mommy lottery? This gal right here. Holla! Happy Friday night to me and to you all. Cheers!

This Means War!

Because somedays their sweetness and innocence brings tears of joy to my eyes…and because somedays a six-year-old and her four-year-old sidekick sister have the energy, power and scare tactics of an army to make me run around in circles searching for an escape route.

My Dad’s a Cartoon…What Does Yours Do?

Olivia, 4: “Hey Mom, doesn’t this man look just like Daddy?”

Mommy: “You know what? I can’t lie. Minus the feather, it truly does resemble your father. Good eye, little lady.”

Olivia, 4: “Yeah. I just knews it.”

A Mommy and Her Blog…

Once upon a time, I had kids. At the end of each day, I would take a moment or two to jot down all those unbelievable things they did, the funny words they spoke and any other Mommy related realizations, epiphanies or tantrums I had that day in my little pink notebook bought specifically for this purpose. That notebook has since transformed into a blog site and Facebook page on which I record my thoughts.
Writing is my own personal form of therapy. I write to make myself laugh when I want to cry and sometimes I even make myself cry when I start off laughing. I write so that one day (most likely a week or two before they are due to give birth to their own children,) I can hand these thoughts over to my daughters in lieu of one of those fancy scrapbooks that I could never seem to get done. An added bonus have been the heartwarming, inspirational and uplifting messages I receive every now and then from other mommies out there.
What started as a silly little book of notes has turned into something so much more. I am thankful for each and every reader, all they have to share, and for making me realize that no matter how crazy this mommy thing gets, no matter how close I am to jumping off the ledge some days and no matter how brutally honest I am about the fact that at times, I have no clue what the hell I am doing on this roller coaster better known as motherhood, I am always reminded I am not alone. For this, I am forever grateful.
Thank you all….
“Love this page ..no matter what kinda day i have you always manage to make me smile !!!”
“Some of the mommy stuff you post here brings tears to my eyes… either because I can relate, or I’m not the only one, or just the memories that it sparks in me of my children and grandson. I worry every day that my children dont know how much I love them. Thank you for sharing! I love this page.”
“Always touching my heart….and making me laugh too.”
“I love your page! It’s always right on. I have a 6 year old daughter so listening to your stories always crack me up! Thanks :)”
“I just wanted to say thank you. You give me a much needed laugh on stress filled days, and bring me out of it when I’m feeling blue. I appreciate it. It’s nice to feel like my insanity is a norm. Keep up the good work.”
“I love this freakin page!!!!!”

Embarrassing Mommy Moment #698,764:

You know you’re a full-fledged mommy when after a full day of running errands you finally return home, pass a mirror and gasp as you realize you have not one, but four mushed Cocoa Krispies cemented to the ass of your pants…and you weren’t even the one who ate cereal for breakfast today. Humilation at its finest, but at least now all those random disgusted stares I received in my travels today make a bit more sense….

Shitstorms and Shitty Underpants…

And for those of us lucky ones, it shall be a shitstorm that is most likely in the form of cleaning up a child and their shitty underwear…

Welcome Back Wombat…

Why is it that whatever toy you dig up from under the kids’ beds while vacuuming their bedrooms is that one particular toy that they have been “trying so hard to find for like the last twenty million years?” You knw …what I say to that? Lies, I say. LIES. If a stuffed animal wombat means that much to you, you simply don’t let him out of your sight to give him an opportunity to wander off and get lost in the black hole of clutter under your bed. Just saying…

Cooking With and Without Kids…

*Thanks to a friend for sending this gem my way. An added bonus is that it arrived at the perfect time…at about 5:00 pm tonight at which time I was overcome by the rare and unexplainable urge to play the role of domesticated wife and super mommy while having the kids assist in my latest adventure in the kitchen. Please keep your fingers crossed I am able to get the tomato sauce stain out of the tile floor grout, I remember to give Camryn a shower to get the ricotta cheese out of her hair, the stain stick works its magic on Olivia’s shirt and pants and no one is hospitalized for a case of salmonella poisoning tonight…

Tick Tock…

T-minus one hour and 44 minutes until the silence is nothing more than a distant fond memory…but who’s counting? Surely not me.

 

No One Likes a Self Conscious Cat…

The Vision: Allowing myself to let go of the reins, abandon my control issues and agreeing to allow my daughters to name our new kitten.
The Outcome: An eclectic list of names including, but not limited to, Meowface, Graypaw, Elephant, Furrball, Gaspar, Cracked Peanut, Meowy, Whiskery, Pascal, Catty and Meow Meow Cat.
Final Answer: The council of Mommy did not approve any of the above names, because someone had to save the cat from a life of hearing himself be called and forever embarrassed by a name like Cracked Peanut…

A Whole New World…

Loaf of bread: $2.59

Half Gallon of Milk: $3.79

Package of Mickey Mouse Yoplait Yogurts: $3.59

Twelve pack of Cherry Coke Zero: $4.99

Box of Cocoa Krispies: $3.29

Realizing your kid is now old enough to be put to work during trips to the supermarket: Priceless

Please Obey…

Because somedays, when I really need to get the message across to certain people I encounter throughout the day, I so wish I had this is t-shirt form. Read it, obey it, carry on and thanks for your cooperation…

Mommy’s Time Out…

Olivia, 4: “Um, Mom. I wishes I was older and I could yell at you and tells you to got to your room for a time out.”

Mommy: “Oh, there’s no need for you to wait until you are older.” (walks off and heads upstairs)

Olivia, 4: “Wait, where are you going?”

Olivia, 4: “What you say?”

You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful…

There were no children in the car with me at 1:37 pm today. That is about the time things got a bit unruly in my world. It was then that I caught myself singing along, with way too much feeling, to One Direction on the radio. Even scarier than that is the fact that I kept on singing until it ended rather than turning it off. The most terrifying part of it all is I think I nailed it.

The More You Know, The More You Kohl’s…

#3 on today’s to-do list: Go to Kohl’s to shop for, and only for, a Mother’s Day gift for my mother-in-law.
what #3 on today’s to-so list morphed into: Going to Kohl’s to shop for a Mother’s Day gift for my mother-in-law, yet completely abandoning that whole idea upon walking throught the entrance and getting sucked in by the subliminal messages hidden in the background music that chant such phrases as, “Go on, just do it, a quick look in the children’s clothing section couldn’t hurt,” “You’re right, that purple shirt would look amazing with that new necklace you just bought the other day,” and “Your feet would definitely look so much prettier if they walked around in those sparkly silver flip flops.”

Order Up…

Oh, you ordered sarcastic, obnoxious, awkward posts? You’ve come to the right place. Because sometimes it’s just gotta get said, someone’s just gotta say it and that person is usually…me. Enjoy.

Mommy Epiphany #875:

You know you need to step it up in the fashion department and most likely time to retire the uniform of black yoga pants and t-shirts when your six-year-old child does a double take as you come down the stairs in the morning and emphatically declares: “Woah, Mommy. You should wear those jeans, that shirt and leave your hair down everyday! You look so pretty that way! Wow!”

What Mom REALLY Want For Mother’s Day…

Because it is too damn good not to share. However, I would add the ability to wake up in the morning with the first number on the clock being greater than a 5 to the What I Really Want List….

Mom’s Voice Mail…

However, if you need your butt wiped, the gallon’s worth of milk you just spilled cleaned up off of the floor, someone to conduct a search and rescue effort for that microscopic toy you lost “somewhere in the house a very long time ago,” or just to complain how bored you are even though your bedroom is bursting at the seams with toys, art supplies, video games, puzzles and books….just hang up.

Pass The Mic…

Because everyone truly believes they have reached super rockstar status when taking hold of the microphone after three beers…

Older Than Dirt…

*The following post was inspired by a conversation that took place earlier this evening (and has left me feeling older than dirt)…
Camryn, 6: “Mom, did they have tv shows when you were little?”
Mommy: “Yep.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, so then that …means they had televisions. Did they have books back then too?”
Mommy: “Yep. And we even had water, food and air back then too.”
Camryn, 6: “Woah. Ok, so can you put on a tv show for me now?”

Boy George Ate Your Dinner…

Kid: “Hey Mom, did you ever get around to making that breakfast I asked for two hours ago?”

Mommy: “Um, nope. I actually forgot about that, but I have managed to keep busy belting out the lyrics to A Ha’s “Take On Me,” Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon,” Mr. Mister’s Broken Wings,” and Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf…and I gotta tell you…I rocked em all.”

A Mother’s Day “Surprise”…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mommy, do you like to eat breakfast in bed?”

Mommy: “Sure.”

Camryn, 6: “Ok. Well then, do we have a tray?”

Mommy: “Yes, we own a tray.”

Camryn, 6: “Great. Now…most importantly, do you like pancakes?”

Mommy: “Yes, I love pancakes.”

Camryn, 6: (fist pump) “Awesome! I can’t wait until Mother’s Day!”

Mommy: “Hey Cam. Make a mental note…I like bacon too.”

Camryn, 6: “Got it! Now pretend we didn’t just talk about all that.”

I Ain’t Never Scared…

Unless it involves tarantulas, vomit, scuba diving, bears, an elevator, a recipe with more than five ingredients, a dry clean only piece of clothing, an unexpected call from the school nurse, the DVR cutting off the last five minutes of The Voice, an illuminated gas light in the car or highly contagious illnesses, such as pink eye and strept throat. Then, I am freaking terrified.

Feliz Cinco De Mayo…

Olivia, 4: “I can’t waits for school today! We are eating salsa and chips for Cinco De Mayo!”
Mommy: “Sounds like a good time to me. We know how much you are a fan of salsa and chips.”
Olivia, 4: “Yes, I really am. But, I hopes Miss Audrey doesn’t gives us that yucky stuff that you always like to eat with your chips.”
 Mommy: “What yucky stuff?”
Olivia, 4: “Ya knows. The green stuff. That whackamole you always eat.”

Listen Up…

This includes, but is not limited to, listening to them talk, in great detail, about the size, color and shape of their poop, that they are 100% positive they will one day become Mrs. Justin Bieber, that platypuses lay eggs, that Rapunzel is the most beautiful of all the Disney princesses, that when they grow up they will be a veterinarian, but also a dancer, that McDonald’s Happy Meal toys are always better than the toys in the Wendy’s kids meals, that sneakers that light up are way cooler than those that don’t, that orange cheese doodles taste better than the less messy white ones, that no outfit is complete without a matching neon colored feather in your hair and a bubble bath trumps a shower any night of the week…

Mommy Guilt Strikes Again…

Not sure which part of this evening makes my Mommy guilt sting more…the fact that the kids are watching the same episode of Doc McStuffins they have watched approximately 42 other times this week, the fact that I am calling a box Kraft Ma…caroni and Cheese dinner tonight or the fact that all signs point to me serving the macaroni and cheese to them in front of the tv. Watch out world. Tonight’s events just might put me that one step closer to winning the title of Mommy of the Year 2012…

Don’t Make Me Get Up Outta This Chair…

but the mentioning of blood, the sound of a cat screeching,  or the scariest sound of all…an extended period of silence…still kinda freak me out and usually get me up outta my chair…

Bittersweet Mommy Moment #4,326: Someone Get Me a Can of Crisco…Stat!

Stumbling upon that inevitable moment when your child gets wedged in the baby swing and while you are trying to pry them out you get slapped in the face with the realization their days in there are officially over and they have now reached big kig status on the playground scene…

Mama Loves You…

Yes, even when she yells so loud she’d win the role of Mommie Dearest in a remake of the movie…Mommy still loves you even then, little one. ♥

The Magic’s In The Stickers…

Dear Dollar Store Sticker Charts,

I love you and the motivation you have given my children to independently get dressed and brush their teeth in the morning with boatloads of enthusiasm. I bow to you and the magical powers you possess. Please never let the magic fade.

Sincerely,

The Best Two Dollars I Ever Spent

Happy as Happy Can Be…

If in fact this is true, I guess I’ll be the one off in the corner whining, crying and having a full-blown tantrum because I didn’t get my way…

My Boss Is a Four-Year-Old…

Olivia, 4: “Mom, do you knows where my blue sparkly shirt is?”

Mommy: “Yep. Since you wore it yesterday, it’s in the hamper with all of your other dirty laundry.”

Olivia, 4: “Oh. Ok. Well, ah, I’m gonna needs you to do some laundry then.”

Mommy: “Oh, sure thing. Let me just go ahead and put the washing of your sparkly shirt right at the top of my to-do list and bump down all those other tasks I was going to tackle such as cooking you dinner, making your lunch for school tomorrow, giving you a bath….should I keep going?”

Olivia, 4: “Um, so then I can wears the sparkly shirt tomorrow, right?”

Willpower…

willpower [will·pow·er], noun: granting you child’s wish of baking two dozen golden vanilla cupcakes, slathering them with vanilla rainbow chip frosting and having them call, no scream, your name all day from the kitchen counter on the very first day of your latest diet.

Haters Gonna Hate…

Dear Haters,

Please be patient with me. I still have so much more for you to be mad at.

Sincerely,

Ain’t Nobody Gonna Break-a My Stride

Mommy Epiphany #9,554:

Performing a search and recovery effort in the backseat of the car to locate your child’s lost and desperately needed micro-sized Disney Princess Squinkie toy will lead to the discovery of enough half eaten McDonald’s french fries, goldfish crackers, popcorn, fruit snacks, cheese sticks, Hershey kisses, pretzels, bananas, Doritos, yogurt sticks, potato chips, grapes, M&M’s, cheese doodles and Dum Dum lollipops to feed a family of four…for a week.

Parental FAQ’s…

Just a small sampling of the questions I still hear echoing through my head even after the kids are fast asleep in their beds at night…

Rest In Peace, Sergeant Gammy…

Camryn, 6: (looking out car window and points) “Hey Mom, what’s that over there?”

Mommy: “Well, that’s a cemetery, Cam. Actually, your great-grandma, Gammy is in there.”

Camryn, 6: (dramatic pause): “Oh my god.”

Mommy: “I know it’s tough to hear, but, it’s how the world works.”

Camryn, 6: “Oh my god, Mom. I CANNOT believe you never even told me Gammy was in the military. That is so cool!”

Mommy: (speechless and continues driving)

Attack of the Gray Hairs…

Today’s FU of the day goes to the three gray hairs I discovered this morning and could not help but violently rip out of my head even though I know they will return soon…angry and ready to show me who’s boss by bringing at least six of their gray hair buddies to make my head their home too.