Camryn, 6: “Hey Mommy, what are you cleaning the house for?”
Mommy: “Because I just love cleaning up messes and wouldn’t you know it…there just happens to be a few around here today that need cleaning up.”
Camryn, 6: “Oh. I thought it was just because someone is coming over because that’s when you always clean the house.”
Mommy: (turns vacuum back on and makes mental note to step it up in the housekeeping department…)
Why is it that while preparing to get ready for school the phrase “hurry up” is apparently code for “immediately drop your speed to -55 mph” when heard through the ears of my children. Like turtles, I tell ya. Turtles in slow motion they are. But even turtles need to get educated so…let’s get a move on little ones!
Camryn, 6: “Oh Mommy…my belly is so super full that I can’t even eat another bite of my dinner.”
Mommy: “So after two bites of a hamburger, you are full?”
Camryn, 6: “Oh yeah! I am full alright!”
Mommy: “Ok then, consider dinner to be over then.”
<five seconds later>
Camryn, 6: “So, ah, Mom…what kind of ice cream do they have for dessert at this restaurant anyway?”
Mommy: “Hamburger flavor.”
Camryn, 6: (pouting) “Awwwww, man!”
Why is it that your child never has to use the bathroom when you ask twelve times before leaving the house, but the minute they step foot in a store…BAM! The kid “needs a potty NOW because the poop is about to shoot right out of their butt!” Like clockwork…it never f#*king fails.
To My Dearest Potential Kindergartener,
Thank you in advance for witholding from engaging in any of your infamous super-charged tantrums, whining, screaming, and other various unwelcome acts you are known display in public, during today’s kindergarten orientation. Thank you for dazzling the school faculty with your best behavior and sweetest smile. Mommy just can’t bear the thought of you getting blacklisted from Kindy before you are even enrolled.
With Love, Mommy
PS: I have a bubble gum flavored Dum Dum lollipop with your name on it in my pocketbook if you obey my commands…just saying.
Olivia, 4: “Uhhh! Mommy! I’m so starving! Do you haves a snack?”
Mommy: “Let’s see. Today, in my Mommy snack arsenal I have Cheez-Its, a chocolate chip granola bar, Scooby Doo fruit snacks, pretzels, and an apple.”
Olivia, 4: “Um, do you haves any different snacks for me?”
Mommy: “No, I don’t. So much for starving, huh?”
Olivia, 4: (pouting)
Mommy: (eyes fruit snacks while contemplating indulging in them)
Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, my friend Jillian got to go to Disney.”
Mommy: “Is that so? Well, you got served dinner tonight. Such lucky children you both are.”
Camryn: “Um, so then I am guessing we can’t go to Disney anytime soon?”
Mommy: “Now you’re picking up what I’m putting down.”
Olivia, 4: “Um, ya know? Mom, I just loves chopstick and it makes my lips feel me better when they are all chipped.”
Mommy: “Agreed, Liv. I’m a big fan of chopstick too.”
Olivia, 4: (smears entire lower half of face with pink-tinted chapstick)
*Some might call my failure to correct Olivia’s speech a major mommy faux paus. However, I call it a necessity in case she ever says it again and blesses me with yet another good hearty belly laugh.
Camryn, 6: (lets out a shockingly dramatic gasp while drawing)
Mommy: (runs down the stairs two at a time) “What is it? What’s wrong, Camryn?
Camryn, 6: “Oh, nothing, mama. I’m just doing something BRILLIANT!!”
Mommy: (catches breath)”Well, carry on then brilliant one.”
Camryn, 6: (glancing over Mommy’s shoulder) “Hey Mom why are you looking at the website called Scary Mommy?”
Mommy: “It’s one of my favorites, so I like to check it out.”
Camryn, 6: “Hmmmm…well, uh, I don’t really think you should be reading that website because you aren’t even a scary mommy.”
Mommy: (smiles and crowns Camryn favorite child of the day)
I am completely convinced that each night, after I kiss her goodnight, turn off her light and shut her bedroom door, a disco ball lowers down from her ceiling, a d.j. starts spinning today’s hottest kid-friendly pop tunes, the apple juice starts flowing and a straight up wild party, complete with floor shaking dancing, singing and the occasional fancy gymnastics move begins. Some nights I am torn whether to obey my mommy instinct to shut down the festivities or throw on my black strappy platform dancing shoes, grab a Capri Sun and join in. Sometimes it truly sounds like one hell of a good time you just don’t want to miss…
So, I kinda didn’t find myself too interested in and even a bit bored by the whole recent uproar over the latest Time Magazine cover controversy…but then I stumbled upon this gem, laughed outloud and had to pass the smiles along to all the other mommies who could probably use a smile or two this morning. These covers are where the mommy truth is at. Enjoy.
The fear that strikes upon overhearing a fellow mom whisper the phrase “Whose kid is that lifting up her skirt and showing off her new Barbie underwear?” is debilitating, but nothing compared to the feeling of shock when you turn to see it is, in fact, your four-year-old daughter. However, that feeling doesn’t hold a candle to the feeling of uncertainty as you force yourself to choose between grabbing her, heading for the hills and never looking back or pretending you have no clue who she belongs to because your kid would never do such a thing. Never.
The creation of and installation of a recordable device that is activated each time your child sits on the toilet that yells out, in your very own Mommy voice, “PLEASE don’t forget to wipe, make sure it’s front to back and for god’s sake, PLEASE flush when you’re done because I do NOT want to see your pee pee or poop when I sit down to use the toilet myself. Thanks so much and please remember to wash your hands before exiting the bathroom. Mommy loves you.”
Olivia, 4: “Mommy, where’s did the Tom & Jerry fruit snacks go?”
Mommy: “Uh, um, I guess you ate them all up.”
Olivia, 4: I don’t thinks so. Well, where did the box of Phineas and Ferb fruit snacks go?”
Mommy: (mumbling) “Would you hate me if I told you the truth which is that I gave all the fruit snacks a home in my belly?”
Olivia, 4: “What you say?!” Mommy: (silence)
And don’t forget to have a socially acceptable excuse lined up for when the guests ask what’s wrong with you. Acceptable answers include a severe allergic reaction to folding laundry, a rash from washing dishes, a migraine brought on by listening to children whine, dizziness from cleaning up kid, cat and/or dog poop, and a debilitating backache from giving in when your 50 pound daughter asked for a piggy back ride…
It’s off to a sleepover at grandma and grandpa’s the kiddies go. This rare streak of luck and good fortune calls for a night of bottomless wine glasses. Who feels like she just won the mommy lottery? This gal right here. Holla! Happy Friday night to me and to you all. Cheers!
You know you’re a full-fledged mommy when after a full day of running errands you finally return home, pass a mirror and gasp as you realize you have not one, but four mushed Cocoa Krispies cemented to the ass of your pants…and you weren’t even the one who ate cereal for breakfast today. Humilation at its finest, but at least now all those random disgusted stares I received in my travels today make a bit more sense….
Olivia, 4: “Um, Mom. I wishes I was older and I could yell at you and tells you to got to your room for a time out.”
Mommy: “Oh, there’s no need for you to wait until you are older.” (walks off and heads upstairs)
Olivia, 4: “Wait, where are you going?”
Olivia, 4: “What you say?”
There were no children in the car with me at 1:37 pm today. That is about the time things got a bit unruly in my world. It was then that I caught myself singing along, with way too much feeling, to One Direction on the radio. Even scarier than that is the fact that I kept on singing until it ended rather than turning it off. The most terrifying part of it all is I think I nailed it.
You know you need to step it up in the fashion department and most likely time to retire the uniform of black yoga pants and t-shirts when your six-year-old child does a double take as you come down the stairs in the morning and emphatically declares: “Woah, Mommy. You should wear those jeans, that shirt and leave your hair down everyday! You look so pretty that way! Wow!”
However, if you need your butt wiped, the gallon’s worth of milk you just spilled cleaned up off of the floor, someone to conduct a search and rescue effort for that microscopic toy you lost “somewhere in the house a very long time ago,” or just to complain how bored you are even though your bedroom is bursting at the seams with toys, art supplies, video games, puzzles and books….just hang up.
Kid: “Hey Mom, did you ever get around to making that breakfast I asked for two hours ago?”
Mommy: “Um, nope. I actually forgot about that, but I have managed to keep busy belting out the lyrics to A Ha’s “Take On Me,” Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon,” Mr. Mister’s Broken Wings,” and Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf…and I gotta tell you…I rocked em all.”
Camryn, 6: “Hey Mommy, do you like to eat breakfast in bed?”
Camryn, 6: “Ok. Well then, do we have a tray?”
Mommy: “Yes, we own a tray.”
Camryn, 6: “Great. Now…most importantly, do you like pancakes?”
Mommy: “Yes, I love pancakes.”
Camryn, 6: (fist pump) “Awesome! I can’t wait until Mother’s Day!”
Mommy: “Hey Cam. Make a mental note…I like bacon too.”
Camryn, 6: “Got it! Now pretend we didn’t just talk about all that.”
Unless it involves tarantulas, vomit, scuba diving, bears, an elevator, a recipe with more than five ingredients, a dry clean only piece of clothing, an unexpected call from the school nurse, the DVR cutting off the last five minutes of The Voice, an illuminated gas light in the car or highly contagious illnesses, such as pink eye and strept throat. Then, I am freaking terrified.
Dear Dollar Store Sticker Charts,
I love you and the motivation you have given my children to independently get dressed and brush their teeth in the morning with boatloads of enthusiasm. I bow to you and the magical powers you possess. Please never let the magic fade.
The Best Two Dollars I Ever Spent
Olivia, 4: “Mom, do you knows where my blue sparkly shirt is?”
Mommy: “Yep. Since you wore it yesterday, it’s in the hamper with all of your other dirty laundry.”
Olivia, 4: “Oh. Ok. Well, ah, I’m gonna needs you to do some laundry then.”
Mommy: “Oh, sure thing. Let me just go ahead and put the washing of your sparkly shirt right at the top of my to-do list and bump down all those other tasks I was going to tackle such as cooking you dinner, making your lunch for school tomorrow, giving you a bath….should I keep going?”
Olivia, 4: “Um, so then I can wears the sparkly shirt tomorrow, right?”
Performing a search and recovery effort in the backseat of the car to locate your child’s lost and desperately needed micro-sized Disney Princess Squinkie toy will lead to the discovery of enough half eaten McDonald’s french fries, goldfish crackers, popcorn, fruit snacks, cheese sticks, Hershey kisses, pretzels, bananas, Doritos, yogurt sticks, potato chips, grapes, M&M’s, cheese doodles and Dum Dum lollipops to feed a family of four…for a week.
Camryn, 6: (looking out car window and points) “Hey Mom, what’s that over there?”
Mommy: “Well, that’s a cemetery, Cam. Actually, your great-grandma, Gammy is in there.”
Camryn, 6: (dramatic pause): “Oh my god.”
Mommy: “I know it’s tough to hear, but, it’s how the world works.”
Camryn, 6: “Oh my god, Mom. I CANNOT believe you never even told me Gammy was in the military. That is so cool!”
Mommy: (speechless and continues driving)