Monthly Archives: August 2012

2012 Mommy Olympics…

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mommies and Daddies, Kids of All Ages…
Welcome to  the 2012 Mommy Olympics.
May the best Mommy win.
This year’s events shall include the following… …

Freestyle Food Shopping: Push a shopping cart filled with a fifty pound child, bread, milk, eggs, and a box of Lucky Charms up and down each aisle of the supermarket while avoiding knocking down various displays of items. Bonus points if you remember to actually get the milk which was the reason you actually entered the store in the first place.
Aquatics: Wrangle your child, bribe them with whatever it takes to enter the tub, avoid a flood in the bathroom, keep their whining and screaming to a minimum and have them somehow end up dirt-free.
Early Morning Exit: make sure the child has been dressed in clean underwear and a shirt and pants that actually match, has brushed their teeth, combed their hair and eaten their breakfast. This must be completed in approximately five minutes since each and every morning is rushed, chaotic and extremely stressful.
Creative Cooking: Think up, shop for, prepare and and be ready to serve kid-friendly foods in a moment’s notice with backup plans A and B ready to go for when the first course of food the child requested gets rejected for no other reason than they simply changed their mind.

Exitless Bedtime: Get your child to bed with no more than six exits from their room once the lights have been turned out. Exit excuses for a glass of water, a seventeenth hug or assistance performing a search and recovery mission for a stuffed animal will not be tolerated and may be cause for disqualification.

Focused Driving: Able to safely operate a vehicle while juggling a minimum of 17,258 demands and requests from the children which shall begin the second the key enters the ignition.

Telephone Call Dash: Successfuly complete a phone call without being interrupted by your children, screaming at your children or simply being distracted by your children.

Good luck, Mommies. Now go get that gold medal you deserve…

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The Digestive System 101…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mommy, I have to go the bathroom to make poop. You know why I have to make poop? Because I ate my dinner and after I poop I will be able to eat dessert. Pretty cool how that works, huh?”
Mommy: “Yes, very cool indeed. Now don’t forget to wipe.”
Camryn, 6: “Got it.” (proudly skips off to the bathroom)

Bottoms Up…

And a happy Saturday night to you and yours. Bottoms up.

An Open Letter to a Mommy Know-It-All…

To That Know-It-All First Time Mom,
With all due respect to a fellow mommy, you’ve only been in the game for a mere three months and even though your baby “is an absolute dream child”, has slept through the night since 4 weeks of age, and is already scoring a perfect score on the SAT, you still have mountains to climb in this journey called motherhood. Thanks for the attempted condescending lecture on how to properly raise my four and six year old children, but ain’t nobody got time for that. I bid you good luck, for it is guaranteed that in time, you will stumble too and come to realize the hard truth that all mommies, including you, have no choice but to take this job day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. Now, shutup and move along. We’re done here.
Sincerely,
Mommy

You know you’re a full-fledged mommy when…

your clothes and hair perpetually look like you just got shot out of a cannon but your four-year-old daughter’s hair, clothes, shoes and multiple color-coordinated accessories look like she just walked out of a page in a magazine.
<smooths the wrinkles from her black yoga pants and then pulls her wet, frizzing hair back into the standard mommy ponytail>

And if the bathroom walls are soundproofed, there’s a waiter serving bottomless margaritas and nachos in there…I’d call it my own personal slice of heaven on earth.

Heaven On Earth…

Reason #4,332 I Know Mommy is Overtired:

I just tried, not once, but three times to lock the front door to the house by pushing the button on my car key remote before my six year old daughter corrected me.

<Here’s where I wish I could say I was kidding, but sadly, it’s a true story, folks. Go on. Pity me. Or better yet, take my kids so I can go indulge in some shut eye for awhile.>

Sweet Dreams…

And then, once they are asleep, don’t forget to pay them another visit so you can spend a few minutes staring at them while in complete awe of their beauty, their total peacefulness and fact they haven’t whined, complained, made a mess or asked for a snack in over ten minutes. ♥

Deep Thoughts By A Frazzled Mommy #9,658:

Sometimes, after a long and trying day, it’s the little things that bring a smile to my face. Such as making the fantastical discovery of a few leftover french fries in the bottom of my daughter’s Happy Meal after she has declared she’s done eating dinner. And that’s one to grow on.

True Story…

And if you manage to survive the terrible two’s…brace yourself, because having a four year old is like unleashing a category 5 hurricane in your very own home. True story.

Like Mother, Like Daughters…

This ones goes out to the two most sarcastic, determined and downright stubborn leaders in training I know…my daughters. Like mother, like daughters.

An Open Letter to a Gyno…

Dear Gynecologist,

And so we meet again. I’ll be right with you for my exam, but would you please excuse me while I spend the next five minutes attempting to strategically hide my bra and underwear under my shirt and pants on your exam room chair, because god forbid you should get a glance of my undergarments while you are busy getting up close and personal with my womanly parts.

PS: Please don’t question it. For some odd reason, that I cannot seem to explain in words, it makes total sense to me. Always has. Always will. Now let’s get this party started, shall we?

Sincerely,
The Crazy Lady in the Stirrups

Supermarket Hits…

Because there simply aren’t too many things out there that trump being able to sing along to Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” while strolling down the frozen foods aisle…

 

Mommy Fun Fact of the Day: I Sometimes Envy My Cat…

Sometimes when I get stuck in one of those overwhelming moments where the kids are bickering, the laundry is piled up to the ceiling, the dirty dishes are staring at me to clean them, the vacuum is calling my name because it hasn’t seen daylight in days and the toilets are having trouble remembering the last time they were scrubbed clean…I shut my eyes really, really tight and pray like it’s my job that just for that one moment, I can switch places with my cat. That little bastard’s got the life. Sigh.

Mom vs. Dad…

Thanks NickMom for the much needed morning laugh and the spot on depiction of my very own childhood.*
*(with all due respect to my awesome Dad, who may or may not be reading this and who I would never change if given the chance because then he wouldn’t be so awesome.)

All I Need To Know I Learned From My Six-Year-Old Daughter…

Mommy: “Uh Cam, I need to tell you some sad news. Grandma and Grandpa’s dog died today.”
Camryn, 6:  “Oh no…”
Mommy: (frantically trying to think of some soothing words to ease the kid’s pain) “Well, yes, it is very sad but people and animals just can’t live forever…so, ah…”
Camryn, 6: “It’s ok, Mom. Don’t worry, because the real reason people and animals die is so that new things can be born into this world. So, you see? It’s ok.” (hugs Mommy)

Guilty as Charged…

Not proud, extremely embarassed, yet guilty as charged.

Not So Proud Mommying Moment #6,754,332,986:

Because as if skipping out on making dinner for the kids and opting to order take out tonight didn’t cost me some serious points in the race for 2012 Mommy of the Year, the fact that I also raided my six-year-old’s piggy bank for tip money for the delivery most likely knocked me out of the competition all together.

Mommy Epiphany #4,987,435:

Sitting in the car during bumper-to-bumper traffic can sometimes feel somewhat like a mini-vacation from reality when there aren’t any kids whining in the backseat and you have full reign over the radio.  <cranks up the volume a few more notches simply because she can>

Today’s Mantra…

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

 

Today’s FU of the Day Goes to Aging…

You know you’re no spring chicken anymore when dyeing your hair is mandatory rather than optional, you get overly excited when you stumble across a re-run of The Facts of Life and truly believe it’s some sort of a typo that the sign on the liquor store counter reads “must have been born in 1991 to buy alcohol.”

A Mommy’s Perspective…

Because at the end of the day, when you take a quiet moment to put it all in perspective… the whining, messy rooms and bickering really ain’t all that bad after all. ♥ ♥

The Baby Fever Cure…

In the event a case of baby fever strikes…I use this as my cure. Uninterrupted sleep…the stuff dreams and happy mommies are made of.

 

The Six-Year-Old Confidence Crusher…

Camryn, 6: “Hey mom. Can I tell you something? I really like your shirt.”
Mommy: “Thanks, Cam.”
Camryn, 6: “And I really like how your shoes match the shirt too.”
Mommy: “Thanks a lot. That’a really nice of you to say.”
Camryn, 6: “Yeah, well uh. Can I tell you something else? The pants you’re wearing. Um, not so much.”
Mommy: “Hey Cam, can I tell you something? I love you.”
Camryn, 6: “Love you too, Mom.”
Mommy: “Your pants comment…not so much.”
<trying to deny the fact a six-year-old has caused her to consider paying a visit to her closet and ponder whether or not to change her pants out for a different pair>

Cheers…

Mommy’s got her dancing shoes on tonight. To all you fine folks, I say cheers and enjoy.

 

Joyful Warfare…

Because somedays their sweetness and innocence brings tears of joy to my eyes…and because somedays a six-year-old and her four-year-old sidekick sister have the energy, power and scare tactics of an army to make me run around in circles searching for an escape route.

Punched Out…

Dear Kids,

Mommy has officially punched out for the evening and has left the building to attend a night out which shall include a visit to a restaurant that does not welcome children and serves lots of wine. Therefore, please forward all whining, tattle-telling, complaining, and demands to Daddy or better yet, prove to us all that miracles really do happen and deal with it yourselves. Have a lovely evening.

With lots of love,
Mommy

Beware…

This is a warning. Take caution and please stay back 500 feet at all times. Any whining, bickering or backtalk may induce dramatic and possibly shocking outrages, screaming and temper tantrums. Repeat, this is a warning. Mommy’s on a rampage. Consider yourself warned.

Let’s Get It On…

After a long, tiring, straight up shitty day, there simply isn’t anything sexier to a Mommy than hearing these words spoken from her husband’s mouth as she teeters on the edge of sanity. Looks like someone’s getting lucky tonight…

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid: (That I Swore Up and Down I Would NEVER Say Once I Had My Own Kids)

1. “If I have to get up out of this seat you are going to be one sorry young lady!”
2. “If you’d just listen the first time, I wouldn’t have to yell like a crazy person!”
3. “Stop jumping on the couch! It is not a trampoline!”
4. “Stop jumping on your bed! Just like the couch, it’s not a trampoline!”
5. “No, you cannot skip dinner and go straight to dessert!”
6. “Stop being mean to your sister before I give her permission to kick your butt for it.”
7. “Close the front door! Even though your room is a pigsty we don’t live in a damn barn!”
8. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
9. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”
10. “I hope one day you have a daughter just like you.”

Dessert is Served…

So, stressed is desserts spelled backwards and today was a rather stressful day. Therefore I need no justification other than this fact to allow myself the pleasure of making my belly close friends with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s covered in hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles…with a side of a pint of Haagen Dazs to wash it down.

Unsolicited Random Acts of Love and Appreciation. (Reason #4,985,043,231,456,998 why my kids rock)

Mommy: “Goodnight sweetie. I love you.”
Camryn, 6: “Goodnight Mommy. Oh, and there’s one other thing I need to tell you.”
Mommy: “What’s that?”
Camryn, 6: “Thank you because you are the best Mommy I could ever, ever have and…I love you to the moon and back.”
Mommy: (choking back tears while thanking her lucky stars for the best daughter she could ever have)

Hell Is a Pair of Pantyhose…

So, I wore panythose to a job interview today because I felt like it’s one of those things you are supposed to do. However, wearing pantyhose is, without a doubt, my own personal piece of hell here on earth. No joke. All my brain can think about while I have them on is how much longer I have to have them on. I think just based on the fact that I sat there with a smile on my face for 32 straight minutes all the while enduring the horrific feeling of having the lower half of my body being suffocated should be more than enough to win me a job offer with a six-figure salary. Just saying.

This One’s a Must Read…

I stumbled upon this gem while waiting in line at CVS. Clearly, it’s only a matter of time before it lands on the #1 spot of the New York Times Bestseller List, so run, don’t walk, to your local CVS now for your very own copy before they sell out.

The To-Do List…

You know things are a bit too hectic in your life when you find yourself adding “check to-do list” to your to-do list.

 

Denim Underwear: A Fashion No No…

And while we’re on the topic of ill-fitting clothing…
somebody please agree with me when I say this new fad of girls wearing denim daisy dukes needs to go away as fast as it appeared. Honestly, there is nothing flattering about their asses hanging out on display for all the world to see, nothing flattering about watching them struggle to remove their denim wedgies all day long and frankly denim underwear just isn’t cool.

Same Shit. Different Morning…

What’s Said:   “Camryn, please go upstairs to get dressed and then meet me at the front door in five minutes so we can leave for camp.”
What’s Heard Through Six-Year-Old Ears: “Camryn, please continue staring at the computer screen, completely ignore my first four requests for you to go get dressed, stop along the way to pet the cat, tease and taunt your kid sister as you pass her in the hallway, construct a lego toy, read a book from cover to cover, rearrange every single stuffed animal in your bedroom, scrunch up the outfit I spent ten minutes picking out out for you to wear today, tear apart every one of your dresser drawers and scrunch up every item of clothing into a wrinkled ball while searching for another outfit that doesn’t even match and then meet me downstairs by the front door so we are twenty minutes late for camp.”

Kidz Bop 22 In the house…

The kids couldn’t contain their excitement when they fired up their brand new copy of the Kidz Bop 22 CD today. I’d be lying if I said I was excited too, because just when I thought the Top 40 songs couldn’t get any more annoying…out of f#*king nowhere it’s a  bunch of tone-deaf kids butchering them beyond belief. Let the torture begin…

Mommy Genuis…

One of those “why didn’t I think of that moments.” Genius. Pure genius.

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s Super Mess Makers…

Because my kids were born with the super annoying superpower to completely turn a room upside down in 1/16th of the time it took me to clean it. I clean, they mess. <Sigh>

Deep Thoughts: by Mommy…

Why is it that after years of nagging, my daughters still can’t seem to remember to clean their room or put their dirty dishes in the sink after a meal yet they have memorized every freaking word to “Call Me Maybe” in just a matter of weeks? Clearly, there is a clashing of priorities around here…

Olivia Economics…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, can I get this toy?”
Mommy: “Nope. Already told you…I’m not buying you anything.”
Olivia, 4: (dramtic pause) “Oh. Okay. Well, I got it. All you haves to do it gives the money to me and I’ll just buys it for myself.
Mommy: “Drop the toy and please proceed to the nearest exit.”
Olivia, 4: (pouting)

Welcome and Thank You Visitors…

Burgers, beer, family, friends and a clean house. The stuff summertime Saturday BBQ’s are made of…

Today’s FU Goes to Friday Night Kiddie Birthday Parties… (and the Moms Who Book Them)

 If I don’t win the 2012 Mommy of the Year award for taking the kids to their friend’s 6:30 pm on a Friday night roller skating birthday party…nothing

will. And I am pretty sure I probably got some serious bonus points for surviving the plethora of arcade games, the migraine inducing top 40 songs being blasted from the dj booth, the 37 extra minutes after the party ended watching the kids hem and haw over which piece of lead-filled plastic crap toy to spend their tickets on only to break on the car ride home. <skips the glass and decides to drink straight from the bottle>

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on the scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

Need Sleepy…

However, if I did indeed still have a soul…I would have sold that mofo for just five extra minutes of sleep this morning. If they gave out medals for the most effort in dragging your tired, sorry ass out of bed…I would have taken home the gold. Is it bedtime yet?

When Children Listen…

Camryn, 6: “So, ah…Mom. I saw you with your group of kids today at camp and I noticed that you were yelling at them like you yell at me and Olivia sometimes.”
Mommy: “Yeah, but there’s one difference.”
Camryn, 6: “What?”
Mommy: “They actually listen and do what I say. It’s actually rather refreshing.”
Camryn, 6: (silence)

Missing Exerciser…

I am pretty certain there is a missing person poster with my picture on the gym wall…it’s been that long. Blech.

An Infinite List of Reasons…

Stumbled upon this little gem waiting patiently for me on my nightstand while climbing into bed this evening…

..and within seconds of reading it I realized that there simply aren’t enough sheets of paper in the world for me to write the never-ending list of reasons why I love six-year-old Camryn more than life itself…this note is just one of those reasons.

Auditory Torture…

That sad, sad moment when your kids inform you they now have the ability to recognize the random swear words and question all those provocative phrases in all of your favorite songs that you so enjoy listening to during car rides and the realization you are now officially doomed to a life of swear word free Kidz Bop. <sheds a tear>

Always One in the Bunch…

Because there’s always that one daily Facebook status update in your news feed that makes you wanna smack someone upside the head…

And the Award for Best Hairbrusher Goes To…

Olivia, 4: “Um, Daddy? You do’s alots of stuff better like all that working stuff, but mommy’s a much better hair brusher than you.”

Who knew after all these years of Olivia’s screeching, whining and crying while I try my damndest to make sense of the early morning rat’s nest that is her hair was her own special way of showing me how appreciative she is of my outstanding hairbrushing skills.

<pats self on back>

Behold! The Amazing Six-Year-Old Mind Reader…

Olivia, 4: “Hey Camryn, try and read my mind.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, first tell me what you are thinking.”
Olivia, 4: “I love pink.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, I got it. You are thinking you love the color pink.”
Olivia, 4: (in awe) “Wow Cam, you’re really good at this.”

Wishful Thinking…

Salesgirl: (unlocks fitting room door) “Ok miss, you’re all set. Just give a holler if you need me to get you a smaller size.”

Me: “Um, yeah. If by some miracle I need a smaller size this whole damn store’s gonna hear me hollering about it.”

Salesgirl: (turns and walks away)

Feline Revenge…

“Oh you failed to make changing my litterbox a priority AGAIN? Well then, unfortunately you’ll now have to add deep cleaning the blanket, sheets and pillows on your bed to your to-do list. Apparently, no one ever told you cats are spiteful little whiskered furballs.”

<True story.>

DysFUNction…

Welcome to our family…where our goal is to put the FUN in dysFUNction.

 

Ted…

Grandma volunteering to babysit, my very own large blue raspberry Slushee, a cursing fuzzy stuffed bear, a glance at Marky Mark’s bare ass, and an opportunity to stare at Ryan Reynolds, not once, but twice. Damn straight is was a good night. Run, don’t walk to see it.

Mommy’s Free Pass…

I have finally found it. My free pass for all those not so proud Mommy moments I find myself in day after day. Each time I read this I swear another piece of my Mommy guilt fades away. Just what the doctor ordered. Phew.

You Know Your Husband is a Keeper When…

On a random Saturday morning, you leisurely awake in bed to the sweet sound of silence, roll over to discover a 9 as the first number on the clock and a text on your phone informing you that he and the kids went out for awhile to “give you some quiet time.”

Super husband in full effect and feeling super grateful because I gots myself a good man….a mighty, mighty, mighty good man. ♥

Attention Shoppers!

We Have an Incompetent Customer in Self-Checkout Aisle 4…
The Theory: Hmmm, a visit to the supermarket self-checkout lane will most definitely require less of my time than a visit to the non self-checkout lane. I’m gonna go for it.
The Outcome: Apparently, I lack the skills necessary to conquer the self-checkout lane, have a knack for setting off the “I screwed up and need help to fix it now” flashing lights not one, not two, but a staggering seven times, and will never get those painful 14 minutes of my life back for simply choosing the “easier” lane. Never again. Ever.

Shout Out to my Fellow Mommas…

This one goes out to all my fellow strange, bizarre and flawed mommies. Keep keeping it real ladies. Holla.

Not So Proud Mommy Moment of the Day:

Rather than yell at the kids to stop their incessant irritiating, distracting bickering in the backseat of the car for the 148th time this morning, I instead opted to turn the radio volume up to full blast to drown out the noise.
(In my defense, it seemed like the better option when compared to the only other one which was to throw myself out of  the car into oncoming traffic to escape the torture.)

Teetering on the Ledge…

Mommy is teetering on the ledge today. Take caution, tread lightly and keep the whining to a minimum. Consider this a warning…

Camryn’s Fun Fact of the Day #453,658:

Camryn, 6: “Hey Olivia! Want to know a fact about me?”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, yeah?”
Camryn, 6: “When I fart I actually smell like meatballs.”
Olivia, 4: (in complete awe) “Really?”
Camryn, 6: “I know, right? So cool, right?!”
Olivia, 4: “Yeah. So cool.”

Make Me Laugh…

Get to it, folks. Make me laugh….please.

Mommy’s Time Out…

Because every Mommy needs a time out every now and then.
I’d like to take mine N-O-W.

PB & J: A Mommy’s Saving Grace…

Because the scale told me dirty lies this morning.
Because I sweat as much as twelve grown men at work today.
Because the dog shit in the house again…twice.
Because I had no energy to stop at the food store this afternoon.
Because it didn’t require the stove or microwave to make.
Because the clean up is simply effortless.
Because I knew they’d actually eat dinner without a fight.
Because it means I get to lick the peanut butter covered knife.
Because some nights just scream “It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!” and tonight it one of those very nights.

Go To Hell Scale!

Dear Scale,

Go to hell.

From,
A Scorned Mommy

 

 

A Letter To the Kids…

Dear Kids,

It was a long day, my patience was super low and I yelled, nagged and am fully aware that I was straight up annoying at times. Thanks for not holding a grudge.

Love,
Mommy

PS: I’ll probably be kind of annoying at times again tomorrow, but will give it my all to take the yelling down a few notches. I pinkie swear.

Mommy true confession of the day:

While in the car with the kids this afternoon, I drove an extra 5.7 miles out of the way in order to bypass the latest rip-off of a carnival that has invaded our town. Fingers crossed they don’t catch on one of these days since I plan to take the scenic route until July 27 when the carnival finally moves on to another town to torture other fellow mommies.

And like pure magic every damn time…Mommy shall find it…

From a missing sparkly headband to a misplaced flip flop to a stuffed animal wombat to a micro sized Hello Kitty plastic figurine that serves absolutely no purpose on this Earth other than to drive us moms crazy when being forced to perform yet another search and rescue effort to find them. We are mom and we got this.

Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool…

Mommy’s Scariest Moment of the Day: Learning that a kid pooped in the pool causing a pool lockdown and cancelling swim for all campers for the entire day.
Mommy’s Happiest Moment of the Day: Learning that the pool pooper was not my kid.

Today’s Mommy Forecast…

Crabby with a chance of yelling, nagging, crabbiness and tantrum storms. Take caution and tread lightly. Tonight’s forecast calls for wine. Lots of wine.

Image

The Ultimate in Dieting Motivation…

Never allow your child to play on your cell phone in an attempt to keep them occupied and quiet while you are trying on clothes in a department store dressing room because if your reflection in the three way mirror isn’t enough to make you cry…stumbling across the plethora of photos your child snapped of you with the phone while you were half naked sure as hell will make you want to drop to your knees, bawl and eat a bowl of lettuce for dinner.