Monthly Archives: January 2013

It’s Time for Tonight’s Installment of Dinnertime Hell…

And just like that it’s crept up on me again.
That moment when the kids blindside you by asking what’s for dinner and you have no f#*king idea. Not even a clue. Which is immediately followed up by that moment when you realize you used the last box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the house as a poor excuse for yesterday’s dinner.  Immediately followed up by that moment you slowly walk over to the kitchen cabinet while praying with all your might that you will find four slices of mold-less bread, a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of grape jelly in there to save the day.
<bids farewell to her 2013 Mommy of the Year Award while licking a gob of peanut butter off of the knife>
*Please take a moment to click on the link below to cast your daily vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers. Contest ends Feb. 13th, 2013, so go ahead and vote everyday until then. Please and thank you. http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89
dinner

An open letter to the gyno….

Dear Gynecologist,
And so we meet again. I’ll be right with you for my exam, but would you please excuse me while I spend the next five minutes attempting to strategically hide my bra and underwear under my shirt and pants on your exam room chair, because god forbid you should get a glance of my undergarments while you are busy getting up close and personal with my womanly parts. PS: Please don…’t question it. For some odd reason, that I cannot seem to explain in words, it makes total sense to me. Always has. Always will. Now let’s get this party started, shall we?
Sincerely,
The Crazy Lady in the Stirrups
*Please cast your daily vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funniest Mom Bloggers. Vote every day, once a day until Feb. 13th, 2013. Please and thank, thank, thank you. http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89
hoohah

Mommy’s Pop Quiz #12,345…

*Once you have completed the quiz, please take a quick moment to click the link below to cast your daily vote for WTFMM in Circle of Mom’s 25 Top Mommy Bloggers Contest. Please and thank you.
http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89

abcd

Mommy’s Official Top 10 List of…Things I Really Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:

1. Going to the Bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.
2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese or any other of my favorite ingredients.
3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:00 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”
4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to lower the volume at each swear word.
5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that bonus muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.
6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker and a plastic tambourine for the ten minute car ride.
7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and fend off beggars with my spoon.
8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s at checkout time.
9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in library overdue fines.
10. And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh at a joke, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my freaking pants.
*Please click the link below to cast your daily vote for WTFMM in Circle of Mom’s 25 Top Mommy Bloggers Contest. Please and thank you. http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89
piss

Parenting Dilemma #45,678:

Parenting Dilemma #45,678: That moment when you aren’t sure whether to simply sit back and indulge in five more minutes of peace and quiet or run at full speed and attempt to divert whatever disaster is about to take place.

So, while you’re enjoying that rare minute of quiet, please take one more second to visit the link below and cast your daily vote for Where’s The F#*king Mommy Manual in Circle of Mom’s Top 25 Mommy Bloggers Contest. Please and thank you.
http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89

golden

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid:

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid: (That I Swore Up and Down I Would NEVER Say Once I Had My Own Kids, Yet Unfortunately Say At Least Once a Day Now)
1. “If I have to get up out of this seat you are going to be one sorry young lady!”
2. “If you’d just listen the first time, I wouldn’t have to yell like a crazy person!”
3. “Stop jumping on the couch! It is not a trampoline!”
4. “Stop jumping on your bed! Just like the couch, it’s not a trampoline!”
5. “No, you cannot skip dinner and go straight to dessert!”
6. “Stop being mean to your sister before I give her permission to kick your butt for it.”
7. “Close the front door! Even though your room is a pigsty we don’t live in a damn barn!”
8. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
9. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”
10. “I hope one day you have a daughter just like you.
<True Mommy Confession #45,678: I am pretty sure I dropped #9 at least 48 times today. Sigh.>
exactly

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid:

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid: (That I Swore Up and Down I Would NEVER Say Once I Had My Own Kids, Yet Unfortunately Say At Least Once a Day Now)
1. “If I have to get up out of this seat you are going to be one sorry young lady!”
2. “If you’d just listen the first time, I wouldn’t have to yell like a crazy person!”
3. “Stop jumping on the couch! It is not a trampoline!”
4. “Stop jumping on your bed! Just like the couch, it’s not a trampoline!”
5. “No, you cannot skip dinner and go straight to dessert!”
6. “Stop being mean to your sister before I give her permission to kick your butt for it.”
7. “Close the front door! Even though your room is a pigsty we don’t live in a damn barn!”
8. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”
9. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”
10. “I hope one day you have a daughter just like you.
<True Mommy Confession #45,678: I am pretty sure I dropped #9 at least 48 times today. Sigh.>
exactly

Something good in everyday…

To My Seven-Year-Old Daughter…Camryn,
Thank you for offering up this amazingly awesome homemade card at the exact moment I found myself slipping into a black hole of Mommy guilt while mulling over all the times I yelled today over such nonsense as your messy room, the countless times I lost my patience over little things like that cup of spilled chocolate milk at breakfast, and that heated argument we had over whether or not that favorite Pokeman stuffed animal of yours could accompany us into Target this afternoon. Thanks for the reminder that even though everyday may not be good, there’s always something good in everyday.  So to answer you question, I am doing just fine now after reading your card.
Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
card

Shit’s about to get real…

Dear Kids,
When you hear me yelling out your full name with an extra emphasis on the middle one, you best start running as fast as you possibly can in the opposite direction of my voice because shit’s about to get real. And that’s one to grow on.
With Love,
Mommy
middlename

Favoritism…

Dear Kids,
Now that your teeth have been brushed, stories have been read, pillows have been fluffed, kisses have been given and a quick reminder has been shared to keep your eyes on the prize that is dessert for breakfast…I bid you sweet dreams my little ones and see you at not a minute earlier than 7:00 AM.
With Love,
Mommy

nownowdear

I AM A BLOGGING MOM…

…and I’m a blogger who blogs.
*Today’s gentle daily reminder to please support and vote for Where’s The F#*king Mommy Manual in Circle of Mom’s 2013 Top Mommy Bloggers Contest.
You can vote once per day until Feb 13th.
Please and thank, thank, thank you.
http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89

iamom

Mommy’s List Of The Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom (Yet Sadly, Now Do On a Daily Basis):

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes in a row of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Dora the Explorer, The Wonder Pets, and Spongebob.
2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich minus the crusts with a not-so-nutritious side of a fluorescent blue colored cotton candy flavored yogurt stick for both lunch and dinner…in the same day.
3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The USA,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.
4. Be talked into purchasing and serving the children cereal with artificially rainbow colored marshmallows in it for breakfast…at least three mornings a week.
5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to be completely acceptable as my very own dinner.

6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face in under 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail the color, frequency, odor and consistency of another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Be completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, five days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove Oreos, banana and other food remnants off of my child’s face after discovering the baby wipes holder in my pocketbook is empty…again.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me on multiple occasions throughout each day which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”
motherhood

Top Ten Things You Hope To Never Hear Come From Your Child’s Mouth (but most likely will at some point or another):

1. Wow! These scissors cut my hair really well! I should be a haircutter when I grow up!
2. Mommy! Hurry! Come upstairs and look at me! I’m so super, super glittery now!
3. Don’t you agree that the cat looks so much cuter now that I trimmed off her whiskers?
4. Hey Mom, take a guess. Is this poop or chocolate on my hand?
5. Hey Dad, did you even know that Mommy has really, really hairy privates? I totally saw it today when I walked into the bathroom while she was peeing.
6. Mom! I have great news! I raised my hand first and got picked when my teacher asked who would like to take care of our class pet, Mr. Nibbles the mouse over the entiore two week Christmas school vacation.
7. Mom, I was just wondering if this black Sharpie marker moustache will ever come off of my face?
8. I know another word that rhymes with truck…fuck! I can’t wait to use the new word I just learned. F#*k, f#*k, f#*K!
9. Hey Mom!? Is that person standing right behind us in line a girl or a boy!? I can’t decide.
10. Mom, your collection of expensive lipsticks work so much better than those silly washable fingerpaints we have for all those awesome paintings I just did of Spongebob on my bedroom walls.

<Because we all have at least one, you are now cordially invited to share your very own all time favorite “Did my kid really just f#*king do or say that moment” now…>

havekids

mommy’s night out in full effect…

Tonight’s MNO agenda shall include the following:

1. Order a few bottles of wine.

2. Unanimously agree to completely avoid discussing children and/or anything remotely child-related throughout the duration of the evening.

3. Pour more wine.

4. Begin taking turns rambling about how your kids nearly drove you to the brink of insanity today.

5. Fill empty glasses with more wine.

6. Inconspicuously text husbands to make sure he doesn’t forget to give the kids kisses from Mommy at bedtime.

7. Finish off bottles of wine.

8. Begin sharing insane thoughts on the idea of how truly fabulous it’d be to have another child and to hear the pitter patter of little baby feet running throughout the house once again.

9. Sit back, let the wine wear off and wait for reality to slap you square in the face and knock some f#*king sense into you.

10. Agree that tonight’s conversations shall never leave the table and immediately ask for the check.

alcatraz

You know you’re a mom when…

Today’s installment of “You Know You’re a Mom When…”
is brought to you by mystery stains everywhere caused by snot, puke, poop, pureed peas and the moms who wear these badges of honor with pride. We salute you.

<tips hat to her fellow crusty stain covered mommies while attemtping to rid her shirt of a pesky chocolate milk stain…>

flinch

Keep Calm and mommy on…

…even through this morning’s major tantrum over a minor wardrobe malfunction, the late-afternoon freak-out over a grilled cheese being cut into the wrong shape, the after dinner whining over not being allowed to have two desserts, the evening’s groaning over having to do homework, the nighttime moaning over having to take a bath and the grand f*#king finale…not one, not two, but SIX, post-bedtime exits from the bedroom for a cup of water, another hug from Mommy, a second cup of water, a trip to the potty, a second trip to the potty and to offer a detailed minute-by-minute replay of her entire day at school.
I am Mommy and I think I can, I think I can…
<sigh>

mommyon

Mommy’s Top Ten List of Parenting Facts They Never Tell You… (But You Really Need To Know in Order to Survive Parenthood)

1. You will perform all bathroom tasks with an audience, complete with commentary, critiques and a rating system (this will include, but will not be limited to, urinating, moving your bowels, shaving and popping the occasional zit on your face).
2. You will second guess EVERYTHING you do, say, wear, eat, drink, buy, return and sell because your thoughts will be preoccupied with how this particular decision, no matter how big or small, will affect your children.
3. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. For example, your child will shower you with compliments about your beauty even when you are in your rattiest pajamas, have morning eye crust in, not one, but both eyes and breath that could clear out a small town it is so potent.
4. You will begrudgingly come to realize you have no other choice but to smile, while nodding your head yes, when your child politely asks for that your last extra crispy, extra greasy french fry as it is en route to your mouth.
5. You will remove the phrase “a sound sleep” from your vocabulary since after having children, everything will cause you to wake up and check on the kids, including a raccoon rummaging through a garbage can 18 blocks away, even though you know it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids and their safety.

6. You will plan, months in advance, to have a night out on the town with your other mommy friends. You will look forward to the two-three hour break from your role as Mommy. However, you will spend 97% of the evening discussing, bragging about and missing your kids.

7. You will effortlessly learn the art of showering in under three minutes and then prioritizing which is more important, mascara or deodorant, when you realize that after then shower you only have two minutes left before having to race the kids to school before the late bell rings.

8. You will forget to put a bra on many mornings, but you will never forget your child’s first word was “gog” as she pointed to the dog, the pink leopard print outfit she had on the day she began to crawl or the white sweater you had on the first time she threw up her pureed peas all over you.

9. You will smile from ear to ear when in a store and overhear a mom say, “Are you serious?! You really pooped in your pants AGAIN?!” and realize this particular poop in not your problem.

10. You will be so excited the end of a long, trying, exhausting day with the kiddies has come to a close and that they are finally snoring away in their beds. However, as you walk past their room on the way to your own comfy bed, you will tip toe into their rooms and stare at them while they sleep for a minimum of twenty minutes each. These times may also be accompanied by tears of joy as you take the opportunity to fully take in their innocence and beauty.

clue

Grandma: Like Mommy, But Nicer…

Camryn, 7: “Mom, do you still love me when you yell at me?”
Mommy: “Of course I love you when I yell. I love you no matter what. If Daddy yells, if Grandpa yells, if Grandma yells or anyone else in the family yells we all still love you. Do you understand that?”
Camryn, 7: “Yes, I do. But there’s just one thing.”
Mommy: “What’s that?”
Camryn, 7: “Well, actually, Grandma never, ever yells at me. Like EVER.”
Mommy: (hangs head in shame, tumbles right off her Mommy of the Year pedestal and says a quick prayer that Grandma never, ever gets word of the conversation because she’d never, ever let her live it down)

cosby

the hundred dollar store…

There’s the Dollar Store.
And then there’s Target…the hundred dollar store.
Because a $3.05 gallon of milk, a dozen eggs for $2.59 and a six-pack of toilet paper for $4.25 always seem to turn into $100.
Without fail. Every damn time.
<shakes fist at Target and all of their fabulous must-haves that always seem make their way into her shopping cart>

taregt

when children need their mom…

“Hey little sis…ya hear that? Listen very, very closely.
That’s the sound of Mommy trying to shit.
So, as per our usual routine, on the count of three we run, at full speed, and begin shouting obnoxious and extremely annoying demands at the bathroom door until she finally comes out.
1, 2, 3…”

ranthood

Friday Post Parenthood Style…

Friday night post-parenthood style in the house.
Things are about to get ca-ray-zee up in here.
Time to sit back, relax and snore like a freight train by 9:15 pm.
Holla!

915

Going for the gold…

And while we’re at it I’ll glady take my trophy for taming those tantrums during the terrible two’s, a medal for wiping butts and noses, and a great big plaque for keeping my sanity after all these years on this scary as all hell roller coaster ride called motherhood…

gold

Mommy loves you…

Dear Kids,

Remember, when Mommy nags, yells and screams like a lunatic for you to clean those pigsty-esque rooms of yours…it’s merely because she has your best interests in mind. And when she conducts those pesky random under-the-bed spot checks to make sure you didn’t just do that sneaky trick of shoving all your toys and dirty clothes under there…it means she REALLY loves you.

With Love,
Mommy

feet

Parental faq’s…

To My Five-Year-Old Daughter, Olivia;

Thank you for the compliment. You are absolutely correct. Mommies DO know everything. However, please make it a point to direct any and all math-related questions to Daddy. Mommy and math have never really been great friends. Thanks so much for your cooperation.

With Love,
Mommy

faqs

Mommy’s Hideout…

Mommy’s True and Somewhat Embarrassing Confession of the Day #45,776:
This post was brought to you behind a locked bathroom door.

<tries like hell to ignore the ear piercing whining and little hand poking underneath the door while typing>

hiding

Hated…

This.
Probably about a minimum of seven or eight times before the clock even struck 8:45 am this morning.
Sad, yet very true story.
<sigh>

hated

Aw Shit, It’s Another Poop Alert…

Olivia, 5: “Oh Muh Gawd! Mooooommy! Poop Alert! Poop Alert!”
Mommy: “What the heck are you yelling about?”
Olivia, 5: “Well, in other words, the dog shit in my room again.”
Mommy: “Ah. Now I gotcha. Loud and clear little lady.”

dilemma

Top 10 Things I Really Wish Someone Took The Time To Tell Me Before I Became a Mom…

1. Take pride in and fully enjoy the fact you can sneeze without peeing in your pants because in your post-baby days that luxury will be a distant memory.
2. You will lose your patience. Sometimes you will yell. Loud. Very f#*king loud. Occasionally, you may even spit and stutter while you yell. Quite often you will find you are acting like the exact opposite of the parent you imagined you’d be.
3.  You will learn how to pee, shit, shave and shower with an audience because those are the times all the “emergencies” will occur and your kid will need you the most.
4. You will quickly master the skill of navigating all stores in such a manner as to completely avoid the toy department or any department that may have toys strategically placed at your child’s eye level.
5. Make it a priority to hide the good chocolate. And the good cookies. And that pint of good ice cream. Preferably somewhere up high. Very high. And do not take it out until after you are absolutely sure the kids have fallen asleep for the night.
6. Wear a wetsuit and goggles while bathing your child. Flippers are optional. Be on guard and prepared to handle approximately three foot wave swells as your child attempts to swim, perform tricks with their bath toys and blow bubbles in the tub.
7. Master the art of dodging legos, matchbox cars, and other razor sharp toys while walking through the house. Doing so will help you in avoiding ER trips to get your foot stitched back together.
8. Practice and perfect the skill of locating a micro-sized piece of a toy on the car floor, changing the radio station and refereeing a full out brawl between your children while attempting to drive 55 mph on the highway in order to avoid being late for your Mommy and Me class.
9. You will be able to wipe butts, de-booger noses and clean up puke without gagging, dry heaving or vomiting yourself.
10. Be fully aware that motherhood is a crazy, scary and straight up exhausting ride that is not for the overly sensitive, easily traumatized or weak of heart. Know that even with all the diaper blowouts, tantrums, snotty noses, sleepless nights, back talk and whining, if given the choice, you’d never have it any other way, because this is exactly where you want to be.
True story.
before

There’s Nowhere to Run. There Ain’t No Place to Hide…

After many years of interrupted bathroom breaks, I am now completely convinced these kids are born with an internal radar that informs them of the exact moment their parent’s ass makes contact with the toilet seat so that they can immediately swoop in and bombard their mom or dad with total nonsense, such as the need for another Oreo cookie, to sing a few rounds of the ABC song, or discuss, at great lengths, which superhero has the coolest super power and why.
Pooping in peace. It’s the stuff parent dreams are made of.

break

Haters Gon’ Hate…

Haters gon’ hate, so this one goes out to all the haters.
Hate on haters.
Because really, it ain’t no thang.
No offense, of course.

offended

It’s 5 o’clock…

I sure as hell know where mine is…
The glass is in my left hand, the bottle’s in my right and Mommy’s about to punch out for the night is T-minus 3 hours, 7 minutes and 42 seconds.
It’s Friday night up in here ya’ll.
Holla.
Hope yours is filled with all that and more that makes you smile.

5oclock

Guilt Tripping…

Because I yelled at, lectured, and nagged both kids.
Three times each.
By 8:45 am this morning.
In desperate need of someone to talk me off the ledge before I jump into a devastating full fledged mommy guilt trip.
Ugh.

guilt

NO questions asked…

So does wine, peanut butter by the spoonful and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
Just saying.

silly

Mom is always right…

Dear Kids,
Mom is ALWAYS right.
Any questions?
I didn’t think so.
And that’s one to grow on.
With Love,
Mommy
momright

Today’s FU of the Day Goes To…

Spongebob, his ridiculously named moron friends, and anyone on the face of this Earth who ever had anything to do with creating the damn show. Because honestly, after giving it much thought, I really can’t come up with anything that is more annoying to listen to than that f#*king show.
<presses hands over ears in a desperate attempt to drown out the super irritating, foul-mood inducing opening theme as the kids laugh hysterically at a talking sponge who wears underwear…>

spongebob

My Mom’s Gone Crazy…

Because just at that very moment your child makes their sixth post-bedtime exit from their room and you feel yourself quickly slipping into psycho-screaming-mommy land…they finally do fall asleep looking like innocent angels and make you completely forget how you almost signed yourself into the looney bin just a few minutes earlier. To crazy and back. Without fail. Every f#*king day.
<sigh>

insanity

 

Letters To Heaven…

Mommy: “Camryn, I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma and Grandpa’s dog, Tee passed away today.”
Camryn, 7: (after a few moments of silence) “Mom, can you send mail to heaven?”
Mommy: “Um, I guess so. But why do you ask that?”
Camryn, 7: “Oh, I just wanted to send a letter to Tee to let him know how much I’m going to miss him. That’s all.” (grabs a pen, a sheet of paper and begins writing)
Mommy: “I love your idea, Cam. I am sure he’ll love to read it.” (uses every last ounce of energy to hold back tears)

teach

Mommy’s True Confession of the Day…

This. Probably about four or five times by 9:17 this morning.
Yeah, I said it.
Because today is quickly shaping up to be one of those days mama warned me about.
T minus 9 hours, 47 minutes and 13 second until bedtime.
But who’s counting?
This gal right here, that’s who.

flipped

BEWARE WHINY CHILDREN!

And for tonight’s bedtime story reading pleasure we have this gem.
Listen and learn kids.
Consider this your warning.
Now quit it with that f#*king whining crap already or else…
monsters

 

Lunchbox Love…

Every once in awhile I put a note in Camryn’s lunchbox. Nothing fancy. Just a quick hello, an I love you and some heart doodles just to make it look pretty.
Earlier this evening while packing her lunch for tomorrow, I stumbled upon this note in her lunchbox.
After over four years of lunchboxed lunches, she decided to take a minute or two to write back to me today.
Sometimes it’s the little things.
Like this.
Because this is what it’s really all about…
<carefully places note in Mommy’s memory box>
note

Dear OLIVIA

This one goes out to my know it all five-year-old daughter, Olivia…
Since it seems that through her eyes Mommy don’t know jack shit. However, I do know that I can tie my shoes, count all the way to 30, wipe my own butt and eat as many cookies as I want whenever I want. Just saying.

right

Mommy’s Top Ten Things To Do If I Ever Want To Get My Children’s Undivided Attention:

 1. Sit down in a chair.
2. Take first bite of my dinner.
3. Log online to check my email.
4. Pick up the phone.
5. Lie down on my bed.
6. Attempt to read something other than a children’s book.
7. Try to hold a coherent conversation with another adult. 8. Hop into the shower.
9. Sit down on the toilet.
10. Update my Facebook status.
Without fail. Every f#*king time. <
shudders as the deafening sounds of “Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mama, Mooooooooooomy!” fill the house…>
123

I simply Love picking up your shit…

A pink and purple striped sock, three Pokeman cards, a turquoise scarf, a cheesestick wrapper, a naked Barbie doll with pink highlighted hair, an overdue library book, a boot, half of a sky blue crayon, the latest Kidz Bop CD, a battery and a half full cup of water and that was only the walk down the hallway. The excitement of what surprises the living room will bring me is almost unbearable…

pickupshit

Take Caution!

Five-year-old Olivia has made four post-bedtime bedroom exits so far tonight. One for water. One for more water. One because she forgot to say goodnight to the cat. And one just to say hi.
Folks, Mommy is quickly approaching the red zone. Brace yourselves and take cover because shit’s about to get cra up in here.
<takes deep breaths while slowly counting to ten>

*credit for this beyond awesome image goes to Rants From Mommyland

system

I changed my mind. I don’t want to grow up…

Because when you really stop and think about it…this whole laundry, dishes and paying bills thing kinda sucks. Like really f#*king sucks.
<takes a moment to mourn the carefree days when her biggest responsibilities were to decide which toy to play with, which sparkly headband matched best with her new outfit, and which episode of Punky Brewster to watch…sigh>

growup

The REAL MAGIC WORDS…

I’d settle for an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom, but while I’m already dreaming…why not shoot for the f#*king motherload.
<begins creating an extensive to-do list for her housekeeper-to-be>

REAL

Mommy’s Recovery Service Incorporated:

You Lose It, We Find It!
Mittens, socks, micro-sized pieces to various toys, hair clips, cookies, shoes, shoelaces, a kangaroo stuffed animal, a sparkly pencil, a purple crayon…there’s just no limit to the possiblities.
<sigh>

90%

New Year’s Resolutions: Mommy Style…

1. Self-Control: Learn to substitute kid-friendly phrases, such as “Oh, shoot!” and “Darn it to heck!” in place of those other four-letter curse words that usually slip out my mouth when coming in contact with someone driving 13 in a 55 mph zone while I am late to get where we’re going.
2. Tolerance: Learn tolerance while refraining from arguing with, telling off and potentially drop-kicking members of that super elite and super irritating, Mommy-know-it-all society.
3. Acceptance: Learn to accept that the title of supermom does not mean my child’s birthday cupcakes must look exactly like one of those flawless masterpieces on Pinterest and remember that even lopsided Hello Kitty cupcakes taste just as good as perfectly symmetrical ones.
4. Patience: Learn the art of less yelling and more patience…even on those days I am woken up at 6:08 am to the paradise that is a glass of spilled chocolate milk, a super-sized pile of steaming dog shit, no clean socks and two bickering children.
5. Forgiveness: Learn to bring each day to a close by taking a quick moment to remind myself that even though I yelled at the kids, served them mac and cheese from a blue box for dinner, sent Olivia off to school with uneven pigtails, had to wash the same load of laundry three times in a row because I forgot about it, the floors in the house have been begging to be vacuumed since last Wednesday, it really is okay…because tomorrow’s another day without any mistakes in it.
So, 2013 Mommmy of the Year Award…here I come.
Let’s do this.
<dusts off a space on the mantle for award>
resolutions

She Learned It By Watching Me…

Because when you stop and think about it’s really quite true.
Usually the angrier you get at your kid…
the more they are acting just like you.
Nauseating, yet completely true story.
<scolds daughter once again for being so sarcastic while enduring the sting of knowing the kid learned it by watching a pro in action…her own mother. Ouch.>

joys

Friday Nights Just Ain’t What They Used To Be… (Pre vs. Post Parenthood)

Pre Parenthood: An exciting night out on the town with your spouse filled with such pleasures as a leisurely dinner at a not-so-kid friendly, fancy restaurant followed by a visit to some loud, dark bar where you consume way too many drinks that you actually lose count after the fourth glass of wine which is then followed b…y a trip home to indulge in a round or two of wild sex and ends with you both sleeping until at least noon the next day.
Post Parenthood: Walking hand in hand with your spouse under the glow of flourescent lights while taking a romantic stroll down the aisles of Target on a mission to pick up such exciting items as light bulbs, toilet paper, cat food, Spongebob fruit snacks, cheese sticks and chocolate milk followed by a quick stop at the nearest chain restaurant for a not-so-gourmet bite to eat followed by a pit stop at the ATM to withdraw a wad of cash for the babysitter and then being home and asleep in bed by the latest 9:30pm and ends with you being suddenly woken up by the deafening sound of your child bellowing in your ear, “Mooooooooma! I needs some breakfast NOW please!” at 5:47 am.
friday

Luckily, my little ones haven’t caught on just yet, but it’s only a matter of time until they do, but until then…

Dear Child O’ Mine,
Can you get a pet brown pony and name it Princess? Can you have an ice cream sundae with extra whipped cream for breakfast? Can you go live at Disneyland? Can you go to bed three hours later than usual tonight so you can watch some special Spongebob episode? Ca…n we take a quick look at the toy aisle while we are in Target shopping for milk and toilet paper? Can you interrupt my Facebook time to play yet another round of Angry Birds on my cell phone?
We’ll see, honey. We’ll f#*king see.
With Love,
Mommy
fuckno

Proud Mommy Moment of the Day #456,789:

diaryThat moment when your five-year-old declares that NOBODY, not even Mommy, can look in her new diary and suddenly a wave of curiousity washes over you and you then find yourself totally obsessed with what she may have written in it…
followed up by that moment soon after the five-year-old falls asleep for the night when your heart simply melts as you glance at page one and get a reminder of how freaking awesome your kid truly is…
<quickly wipes away a couple of tears of joy and quietly puts diary back in the EXACT spot it was found>

 

And The 2012 Mommy of the Year Award Goes To…Not Me.

Camryn, 7: “Mommy?”
Mommy: “Yes…” Camryn, 7: “I just wanted to tell you that you are the best mommy in the whole world.”
Mommy: “Aw. Thanks, Cam.”
Camryn, 7: “Um, well. Actually. Now that I think about it…except when you yell because when you yell you are really, really NOT the best mommy in the whole world at all.”
<and just like that I felt myself tumbling straight down from my spot upon the 2012 Mommy of the Year pedestal. Here’s to some better f#*king luck in taking home next year’s award…>
yelling

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of The Most Annoying Gifts For Kids:

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of The Most Annoying Gifts For Kids:
1. Play Doh (especially those super-sized tubs of 30 different colors which the children can never just resist the urge to mix up resulting in 30 containers of gray Play Doh after the first time they open them)
2. Any toy that makes noise of any kind (this includes, but it not limited to squeaking noises, ringing bells, and auto-tuned voices )
3. Any toy that makes noise with the option for the child to make the volume louder
4. Moon Sand (in any quantity because all it takes is a little bit to cause serious carpet and clothing damage)
5. Slime (no matter the color or amount because this stuff is just trouble waiting to happen…in your kid’s hair and socks)
6. Any board game that requires more than two players therefore necessitating you to actually participate in the game when instead you could be tackling laundry, dirty dishes or Facebook)
7. Any Justin Bieber related item (this includes, but is not limited to, CD’s, DVD’s and obnoxiously loud and out of tune singing dolls)
8. Any micro-mini-sized toys that once lost shall never be found again (yet you still find yourself being guilted into searching every last inch of the house, car and last four stores you visited to try to find it)
9. Gumball filled toys that your kids will risk breaking a tooth on
10. A toy microphone to amplify their every whine, complaint, battle with their sibling, and their numerous attempts at covers of Kesha, Flo-Rida, and One Direction.
*Ok, it’s your turn. The most annoying gift your child has ever received was _______.
playdoh

ALL I Want For Xmas is XXL Sweatpants…

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a pair of XXL sweatpants.

Sincerely,
Should’ve Probably Skipped That Third Slice of Apple Pie

santa

Merry Dysfunctional Christmas…

Have yourself a dysfunctional little Christmas…
from our dysfunctional family to yours and may all of your wishes come true.

clark

A Mommy Without a F#*king Clue…

Dear Mommies,

Keep calm, carry on, and just pretend to know what you’re doing.

With Love,
A Mommy Without a F#*king Clue

motherhood

iphone, ipad, itouch, i don’t want to spend that much on a Christmas gift…

That unsettling moment your kid hands you the final copy of their official 2012 Christmas list and it is made up of not one, but two, 11×17 sheets of paper taped together and the first three things on the list begin with the letter i.
<missing the days when a piece of ribbon, a box and some wrapping paper did the trick and did it really f#*king well>

list

Equally Annoying…

Because some days it really is a toss up between child #1’s super annoying tantrums over such things as not being allowed a third cookie for dessert and being told to turn off the tv while iCarly is on and child #2’s super annoying roller coaster mood swings over absolutely nothing…

annoy

A Mother’s Prayer…

To all my fellow mommies who woke up today swearing today would be the day they wouldn’t yell…and then 7:13 am rolled around and began the morning chaos that was a full glass of spilled chocolate milk, a mountain of mushy dog shit on the rug, multiple wardrobe malfunctions and a few intense rounds of sibling rivalry over such important things as headbands, Pokeman cards and whether to watch Spongebob or Almost Naked Animals…
and that’s about when I decided to say f#*k it, because there’s always tomorrow…or the day after that.

prayer

Is The End of The World Truly Upon Us?

But just to be on the safe side…
I’m going for seconds on dessert tonight.
Just saying.

worldends

Don’t Be #10…

Dear Husband,
Don’t be that guy. Don’t be #10.
Consider this your warning.
Love Always,
Your Adoring Wife
(Who Is Always Right No Matter What)
10th

Mommy’s Murphy Law #4,321: Tis the Season For Germs…

T-minus three days until the kids’ holiday vacation from school begins. Cue the sniffles NOW and let the fevers, snotty noses and sore throats arrive EXACTLY four days from now.
Without fail.
Every f#*king year.
Bah humbug.

murphy

Phrases Mommy’s Fear…

Along with other phrases which inlude, but are not limited to:
1. “Wow! Someone come and see how glittery I am now!”
2. “Mommy, guess if this is chocolate or poop on my hand?”
3. “These scissors cut hair really good! Come look at me now!”

idid

Seven-Year-Old Camryn’s Cautionary Tip of the Day:

Think very carefully before agreeing to a pinky promise, because  word on the playground is if you break the promise the results are devastating. You lose your pinky forever.
Consider yourselves warned. No need for thanks.

pinky

A Five Year Old Calls It Like They See It…

Because a five-year-old calls it like they see it…
and nine times out of ten says EXACTLY what you’re thinking and only wished you could get away with saying outloud.
<high fives five-year-old Olivia for yet another job well done>

fart

Leftovers In The House!

Dear Kids,

Bon appetit. Again.

Love,
Mommy

leftovers

The Prettiest Elf on the Shelf…

So, it seems seven-year-old Camryn has grown somewhat desperate as Christmas approaches and has taken to flattery in an attempt to erase her wrong doings this past year (which include, but are not limited to, excessive whining, sneaking a third AND fourth Oreo cookie, and sticking her tongue out at her mother when she mistakenly thought the coast was clear) in order to win over our Elf on the Shelf so that she shall return to the North Pole each night and report only good things back to her buddy, Santa Claus.
I learned of this scheme earlier this evening upon reaching for the elf to move her to a new spot in the house.
It was then that I came across a little pink envelope stuffed with a piece of matching pink paper that had the following message neatly printed on it and surrounded by lopsided hearts:
Dear Ava the Elf,
You are soooooo pretty.
Love, Camryn
PS: Happy Holidays!!!!! HO! HO! HO!
elfonshelf

Uncovering the Positive…

While struggling to find the right words to make my children feel safe, I happened to stumble upon these wise word from the legendary Mr. Fred Rogers on a friend’s Facebook page. Thank you, Mr. Rogers for the reminder that although it a struggle to see it during times like these…there is always something positive to be found beneath it all.

rogers

Holiday Card Photo Shoot with Kids…

 Lights have been hung, trees have been decorated and wrapped gifts of all shapes and sizes are waiting patiently to be opened. Alas, it can only mean one thing…it’s time for this year’s installment of the hell that is known as the…
~Holiday Card Photo Shoot with Kids~
Photo Shoot Checklist:
1. Two cranky, uncooperative, and whiny children.
2. Two carefully selected color-coordinated outfits with matching headbands which both kids will complain are not their favorite color, uncomfortable, and yucky before they even try them on
3. A king sized bag of M & M’s for bribing purposes.
4. Mommy’s scary “don’t mess with me, because I mean business” voice to ensure smiles in at least one of the photographs.
5. A box of tissues to wipe the children’s tears after Mommy yells when they refuse to sit within five feet of eachother.
6. Another box of tissues for Mommy to wipe the sweat dripping from her forehead.
7. A quarter sized hole and seven inch run in one of the kid’s tights that is impossible to hide no matter how you pose them for the photo.
8. An extra set of batteries since the first set will die at the very moment both kids are actually smiling.
9. A list of other various bribes to elicit somewhat genuine-looking smiles which include, but are not limited to, a visit to the nearest ice cream shop, a pack of Pokeman cards or another king sized bag of M & M’s.
10. A few bottles of well-deserved wine chilling in the refrigerator to aid in Mommy’s recovery later that evening from the sheer hell that is…the Holiday Photo Shoot with Kids.
santa

Because I’m The Mother!

Dear Kids,
In response to all of your way too frequent inquiries which usually include, but are not limited to the following:
– Why can’t I have that big bag of Nestle Crunch Bars for dinner?
– Why can’t I watch a fifth episode of Spongebob Squarepants?
– Why can’t we listen to Kidz Bop 22 on repeat in the car?
– Why can’t we pretend it’s Sunday instead of Thursday and I”ll just stay home from school?
– Why can’t I stay up as late as you and join you while you watch tv and eat that special ice cream you hide in the back of the freezer?
– Why do you always get to be the boss around here?
Please see the attached below. If you should have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to refer to the attached below once again and repeat as necessary.
With Love Always,
Mommy
mother

They say the average four year old asks 437 questions a day…

(Please note: the majority of these questions are usually asked through the bathroom door while you are trying to take care of business on the toilet, while you are on an important telephone call, logging onto the computer to read an urgent email, just waking up in the morning, or attempting to put the child to bed for the night.)

carlin

Motherhood Perk #7,443:

Getting the opportunity to revisit, fully enjoy and share all the joy and genius that is this literary classic with the little ones during tonight’s storytime…

sidewalk

If You Give Five Year Old Olivia a Crayon…

She will ask you for a piece of purple paper to draw on.
When you tell her you don’t have any purple paper, she will whine for five minutes straight until finally agreeing to use the pink piece of paper you offered her instead.
While drawing, she will begin to complain that she is hungry and in desperate need of a snack.
You will kindly offer her cookies, pretzels or a banana.
She will yell that all of those snacks are “super yucky” and after another eight minutes of whining, will begin eating and clearly enjoying the pretzels.
Next, she will ask you for a drink of milk.
After only one sip of the full cup of milk, she will spill it all over her drawing on the pink paper and immediately fall into one of her infamous monster-sized tantrums.
Then, you will then lose any patience you may have left and you will yell.
Loud.
Really f#*king loud.
Like a lunatic.
Finally, Olivia will look up, roll her eyes at you and declare, “Geesh, you don’t have to yell like that, Mommy.” and within seconds, a supersized wave of Mommy guilt will wash over you.
The end.
imagined

It’s The Great Menorah, Charlie Brown…

Camryn, 7: “So, Mom. I was just thinking about something that I just don’t understand. At Halloween time, I saw they played It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown on TV. And now that it is almost Christmas, I see they are playing A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV.  So, when are they going to start showing A Charlie Brown Hanukkah?”

charlie

Elf Peer Pressure…

Dear Over-Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Moms,
So, I caved to the peer pressure and decided it was time I stepped up my Elf on the shelf game. I just can’t let myself stand in your shadows. Oh no. I’m so proud of myself for not forgetting  to move the elf tonight. In fact, I even made it a priority to find the time to create one of those fun little scenes just like you always do with your elves. I th…ink the kids will be pleased in the morning. Don’t you agree?
Sincerely, A Former Under-Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Mommy
*Although I am unable to locate who it is that is the genuis behind this photo I saw floating around the internet recently, I offer a big hearty thank you and a double thumbs up for it it is one of the best photos I have seen in a long time. Hats off to you.
poopingelf

Silence is Golden… (Unless You Have Kids)

Because the silence may be due to the little gem keeping busy (and by busy, I mean wreaking pure havoc) by cutting the cat’s whiskers, or flushing a Barbie doll down the toilet, or painting the dog’s nails (and most of their paws) with bright red nailpolish, or skating around the kitchen floor in a puddle of broken eggs, or writing (and misspelling) the…ir name in black Sharpie marker on their forehead, or dumping an entire bottle of baby powder on the floor to make it look “snowy” in their bedroom, or sprinkling silver and gold glitter on the dog to make her sparkle and shine, or ransacking Mommy’s closet to entertain themself with a round of dress-up.
Therefore, today’s lesson is silence and kids just don’t mix. Like, never. So, beware of the silence. Question it, investigate it and always expect the worst.
And that, my fellow parents…is one to grow on.
silence

WOW MOM

<slips on her Super Mommy cape and sets off to conquer the day…like a boss>

momwow

If I Was Your Boyfriend I’d Never Let You Go…

Disclaimer: I feel it necessary to admit to the fact that although my Bieber performances are pretty badass, they are in fact sometimes just slightly shy of totally badass awesome without my two little backup singers in the backseat singing along like it’s their job…

bieber

The First 40…

Keeping my eyes on the prize that is the day they finally make their own dinner, do their own laundry, clean their own rooms, tie their shoes and wipe their own butts. Only 35 years, 2 months, 15 hours, 27 minutes and 2 seconds to go.

But, who’s counting? This gal right here, that’s who.

<sounds of “Moooomy! I need yoooou!” fill the house>

40yrs

Joy Worthy…

Thank you to everyone who posted to…
You know you are in desperate need of a Mommy vacation when ___________.
The replies were beyond funny and had me laughing my ass off for days.
Fellow mommy and author Julie McGrath has selected three winners to receive her new book, Joy-Worthy: A Mother’s Guide to More Joy, Less Stress and No Guilt.
Due to the fact there were so many replies to the post, Julie would also like to offer those who did not win, the opportunity to buy her book at a discounted price.
Visit http://tinyurl.com/BeJoyWorthy to purchase the book.
Because after all, every mommy should have this one on her bookshelf…

marag

I Am Mom…

So, did I miss any?

iammom

Mommy’s In A Timeoout…

Dear Darling Little Angels o’ Mine,
Please make note of the “Do NOT Disturb” sign on the door. Please jot down all messages, requests, demands and complaints on a sheet of paper and then promptly crumble it up and toss it in the trashcan. Thanks so much for your time, patience and understanding. It is greatly appreciated. Mommy shall be back on duty as soon as it is humanly possible.
Signed,
The Management a.k.a. Mommy

shhhhh

 

Mommy’s Grateful Moment of the Day #458:

advent
Here’s to you Elf and chocolate filled Advent calendars. For all you do to make my kids get dressed in the morning, eat their food including the carrots, clear their dishes after a meal, pick up their toys and put them where they actually belong instead of in a drawer, brush their teeth for more than 12 seconds, feed the cats, complete their homework without a fight… I bow down to you and your magical powers while offering you a great big thank you from the bottom of my ever so grateful Mommy heart.
<heads to the store to buy a whole year’s worth of Advent calendar and invites creepy looking Elf to stick around all year with the promise of endless cookies and milk all year long>

I Failed…

There is no doubt in my mind that these kids were born with an internal radar that notifies them to drop whatever it is they are doing in order to run as fast as they can so they can swoop in at the exact moment Mommy picks up the phone and bombard her with completely unimportant bullshit questions, such as which character is the best on Spongebob, forcing her to have no choice but to press the mute button at least 72 times during a five minute conversation to hide the fact she is yelling at them like a raging lunatic while bribing them with a bag of M&M’s in order to get them to shutup.
Sad, but true story.
Without fail.
Every f#*king time the phone rings…
<shakes fist>

phone

Freebie Alert!

 Fellow mommy and author Julie McGrath will be randomly selecting three mommies who reply to this post to receive her new book, Joy-Worthy: A Mother’s Guide to More Joy, Less Stress and No Guilt. Those selected will be notified via Facebook by Dec. 7. Learn more about her book at www.thejoysource.com.
PS: I read it, loved it and happen to be quoted in the book. … Just saying.
*Now on your mark, get set…POST! You know you are in desperate need of a Mommy vacation when ____________.
vacation

Turning Into My Mother One Line At a Time…

Must to my dismay, I dropped the following lines on the kids by 9:14 AM:
1. “I must be speaking another language because no one around here ever does what I ask them to!”
2. “Don’t even make me come up there little lady!”
3. “When you grow up, you can be the boss too!”
4. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”
<hangs head in shame>
exaclty

Dear Creative Elf Moms…

Dear Overachieving Super-Creative Elf on the Shelf Moms,

Cut this shit out. You’re making us moms who can barely remember to simply move the stupid creepy-eyed puppet each night to a different spot in the house look bad through the eyes of our elf-loving children. Like, really f#*king bad. So, I ask you once again…cut this shit out.

With Gratitude,
An exhausted mom who forgot to move the dumb elf three times last week and can easily think of 3,438 other things she’d rather spend her time on than staging traumatizing elf scenerios throughout the house each night

elf

You’re Welcome…

Because someone’s gotta just put it out there, tell it like it is and say all those shockingly obnoxious, disturbing and/or insane things everyone else is thinking but never say.
So, I’m sorry. And by sorry, I mean you’re welcome.
<insert creepy evil Mommie Dearest laugh>

unsaid

Too F #*king Early…

That bittersweet moment during the evening when you glance at the clock and find yourself beginning to count how many hours of sleep you will actually get to indulge in before the kids wake you up by parading through your bedroom crashing cymbals together and playing a trumpet while singing their very own mashed-up version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never.” <sigh>

morning

 

A Saturday Night Toast…

A Saturday Night Toast to The Mommies and Daddies…
<raises wine glass>
May your Saturday night be filled with peace, quiet, children who go to bed on time and whatever else takes you to your happy place. Cheers.
<gulps down wine like it’s her j-o-b>

winepairs

Friday Night Ala Mommy Style…

Time to start gearing up for yet another crazy Friday night ala Mommy style…So, let the laundry folding, dish washing, toy tidying-up, DVR catching up, snack food gorging, wine consuming, and calling it a day by falling asleep by 8:34 pm begin. Because if being asleep before 9:00 pm on a Friday is wrong…this Mommy don’t want to be right.

friday

Camryn

Dear Camryn,
To the three-year-old girl who simply wouldn’t hear of standing next to a bar to learn first position, so instead breakdanced her way through her first and last ballet lesson. To the four-year-old girl who came across a wombat stuffed animal in the toy store and chose to buy him over all the cute, fuzzy teddy bears and floppy eared puppy stuffed animals. To the five-year-old girl who prefers to draw pictures of stingrays, the life cycle of seeds and pygmy marmosets over princesses, unicorns and hearts. To the six-year-old girl who can tell you every detail there is to know about every single Pokeman character there is. To the seven year old rockstar I am damn proud to call my daughter. May she always sparkle, follow her heart and chase her dreams no matter what they may be today on her seventh birthday and always. Keep on rocking little lady and happy birthday to you.
Love You Always to the Moon and Back and to Infinity and Beyond,
Mommy
camryn

Mommy’s Xmas Wish List…

Dearest Santa,
While we’re at it, please consider me for the following desperately needed gifts as well this coming Christmas:
1. a chef who cooks healthy foods my children will actually eat.
2. a maid who specializes in laundry, scrubbing toilets and vacuuming up pet hair.
3. a nanny, however not one that is prettier, skinnier or funnier than I am
4. an uninterrupted night of sleep void of children begging to take up residence in my bed at approximately 3:00, 4:00, and 4:17 AM.
5. the ability to take a shit, shower and shave without 3 and half foot tall visitors demanding another glass of milk, another episode of Spongebob Squarepants or help wiping their butt
6. a privacy glass divider to be used at my discretion to drown out any whining and bickering while driving with the kids in the backseat
7. the ability to eat a salad without being guilted into giving away the croutons, bacon bits and olives to begging children
8. weekly kid-free trips to Target at which time I can leisurely stroll the store without having to put into place a strategic plan of attack in order to avoid the toy aisles
9. the ability to finally finish a library book without having to owe $14.25 in overdue fines
10. An unlimited supply of wine in order to always ensure my new wine cup is filled to the brim.

With Love and Holiday Cheer,
Mommy

winebox

Mommy Vs. Lois…

Feeling good about yourself? Ask your kid to draw a picture of you.

<and feel yourself get knocked down a few pegs after your child proudly hands you their creation and you immediately notice the strikingly obvious resemblance between yourself and Family Guy’s Lois> ‘

*Now, here’s the part where you post a drawing your child made of you and I start to feel better knowing I am not alone in my Mommy portrait woes. Please. Pretty please.

lois

We Have a Winner!

Ding! Ding! Ding!
Folks, it looks like a we have today’s lucky winner.
Let’s hear it for Mommy and her special evening that shall be free of draining, frustrating and straight up annoying homework battles!
A great big congratulations to Mommy!

<Mommy jumps up and down like a lunatic waving no homework pass>

homework

It’s Time for Tonight’s Installment of Dinnertime Hell…

And just like that it’s crept up on me again. That moment when the kids blindside you by asking what’s for dinner and you have no f#*king idea. Not even a clue. Which is immediately followed up by that moment when you realize you used the last box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the house as a poor excuse for yesterday’s dinner. Immediatel…y followed up by that moment you slowly walk over to the kitchen cabinet while praying with all your might that you will find four slices of mold-less bread, a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of grape jelly in there to save the day.
<bids farewell to her 2013 Mommy of the Year Award while licking a gob of peanut butter off of the knife>
dinner

Not So Proud Mommy Moment of the Day #996,884…

And even though Mama said there’d be days like this,
I swear she forgot this fine detail to fully ensure she’d be a grandmother one day.
Well played, Mom. Well played.
True story.
wanred

Way Over 21…

Dear Liquor Store Clerk,
Although we both are well aware of the clearly obvious fact that I am old enough to be your mom, please find it in your heart to ask me for my proof of age anyway and take pride in the fact you made an old lady’s f#*king day.
Signed,
Way Over 21
<heads home to drown her aging sorrows with a bottle of red>
liquorstore

A True F#*king Story…

There’s the f#*king dirty dishes staring at me while waiting to be cleaned. There’s the f#*king laundry in the washing machine that needs to be run once again becasue Mommy completely forgot about it for the fourth time today. There’s the steaming pile of f#*king dog shit on the kitchen floor that needs to be attended to. There’s the f#*king trail of toys that must be put away so no one breaks an ankle while walking through the house. There’s the f#*king bills on the counter that needed to be paid by yesterday. There’s the f#*king refrigerator that is home to a half full bottle of expired ketchup, a shriveled up apple and a bottle of Mommy’s favorite wine that is simply begging to be filled with food. However, there’s the f#*king oversized wine glass in the cabinet that is screaming to be filled with the f#”*king wine in the fridge and you know what that means?
It’s f#*king time for Mommy to indulge in a glass or three and watch her worries fade the f#*k away.
Cheers, bottoms up and a goodnight to all…
mommycurses

Ode To The Know It All Mom…

Here’s to you know-it-all mom with those crazy ass kids wreaking havoc on the frozen food aisle of Target while you hover over my shopping cart lecturing me on how to raise my children. Carry on woman before I hit you upside your ignorant head with a bag of frozen peas. Consider yourself warned.

wonka

 

Black Friday…

Because after all, what else earns you bonus points towards winning the Mommy of the Year 2012 award like sacrificing a night of sleep, my sanity and my safety while battling the crowds to get my children that Baby Butterscotch Pony, Monster High Draculaura doll, and that Kidz Bop Mega Star Microphone in hot pink that they have been begging you for at least three times a day since they first saw the commericals for them four months ago.
<begins writing her award acceptance speech…>

blackfriday

Food Coma in Full Effect…

A mountain of turkey drowning in gravy, two extra large heaping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, enough stuffing to feed a family of four, and a slice of pumpkin pie the size of my head covered in whipped cream have all taken residence in my belly.
<hangs head in shame while simultaneously beginning to fantasize about once again gorging herself on leftovers tomorrow>

foodcoma

Top Ten Things Mommy is Super Thankful for This Thanksgiving:

1. Wine.
2. Spongebob tv show marathons for those times I am teetering on the edge of sanity.
3. The secret hiding place in the freezer that houses Mommy’s secret stash of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
4. The lock on the bathroom door because without it I’d never be able to have a coherent telephone conversation or poop in peace.
5. Beer.
6. Finding a no homework pass in my child’s school folder at 8:00 pm on a Monday night.
7. Microwaveable macaroni and cheese for those especially hectic evenings when my brain can’t handle thinking up a real dinner.
8. Cherry Tootsie Pops and the fact my children still fall victim to my shameless bribes when asked to refrain from playing hide and seek in the clothing racks at Macy’s.
9. That my children have finally mastered how to properly operate the tv, dvd and dvr allowing me precious extra minutes of sleep in the mornings.
10. Vodka.
<what are YOU thankful for this year?>
happythnxgvng

Thanksgiving…

And just like that another Thanksgiving has arrived.
So, bring on the passive aggressive commentary,
the bickering and the whining and… let the games begin.

thxgvng

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day #318,658:

That moment you look back at your kids once last time before they enter the school doors and you start to well up as you watch them take a moment of their own to give eachother a hug before starting the day.
<makes mental note to remind herself of this moment when they return home from school at 3:45 pm and immediately begin screaming at eachother like wild bear cubs over whether they will watch SpongeBob or Victorious.>

sisters

Do As I Say, Not As I Do…

That moment when you are completely appalled and rendered speechless at how obnoxious your child is being to you and the sting that follows soon after as you come to realize they learned it by watching you.

This. Today. Three times before the clock even read 10:00 am.
<hangs head in shame>

likeyou

Backfire…

Without fail. Every. F#*king. Time.
<sigh>

bedtime

The Offensive Truth…

Because someone’s gotta say all those crazy, potentially offensive and appalling things that run through all of our Mommy heads at one time or another.

That’s where I come in.

You’re welcome.

jokes

Mommy The Explorer…

You know your new haircut didn’t quite turn out looking like that fabulous magazine photo of Gwyneth Paltrow you brought to your hairdresser when the following conversation takes place upon your arrival home from the salon…
Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom! Looks like you got a haircut, huh?”
Mommy: “Yep. I did. Ya like it?”
Camryn, 6: Well..uh, I do like it, but there’s ah, just one thing.”
Mommy: “Go on. Lay it on me, Cam.”
Camryn: “Ok. Fine. I’ll just say it. You look like Dora.”
Mommy: “As in the explorer?”
Camryn, 6: “Yeah.”
Mommy, 6: “That’s something that should’ve been kept to yourself.”
Camryn, 6: “Whoops.”
dora

Mommy True Confession #987,543:

Some nights, after one of those especially frustrating, draining and straight up horrible days, when the kids have finally gone to bed and the sweet sound of silence fills the air…I plant my ass on the couch with a super sized bowl of cookies and cream ice cream, pat myself on the back for a job well done and wait for the phone to ring so the Mommy of the Year Board of Directors can tell me where to go to pickup my award. Because, damn it. I earned that shit.
<takes a bow>

othermoms

Mom’s Night Out (MNO):

a night out with fellow mommy friends, sans kids, to relax, decompress, rejuvenate and take a break from all things Mommy…at which you will all, undoubtedly, spend 97% of the night discussing, in great detail, your children and motherhood.

mno

Mommy True Confession #456,789:

I may or may not have let one, or six,”Oh Shit’s” slip by 9:00 am this morning while in the presence of the little ones.
Sad, embarrassing, yet completely true story.
<sigh>

swearing

Holiday Shopping Pre and Post Kids…

It’s almost here, folks…
the dreaded task of holiday shopping with kids en tow…
This one has a permanent spot on my personal top ten list of things I hate with a f#*king vengance.
True story.

xmas

Mommy’s About To Lose Her Shit Moment #88,642:

Q: What’s worse than being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic?
A: Being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with a five and six year old in the backseat who feel it is their duty to remind you every 43 seconds that “the car hasn’t even moved one stupid inch in like forever and because of that you’ll probably never even get them to school before lunchtime today.”

traffic

A Big Fat Liar…

Dear Scale,

You’re a big fat liar. Go to hell.

Sincerely,
A Scorned Mommy

scale

Mommy Guilt In Full Effect…

Because I yelled at the kids today. A lot. Over nothing that really required yelling about. Because I lost my patience with the kids today. A lot. Over things that really didn’t matter at all. Because I let more than a few “oh shit’s,” “damn it’s,” and possibly a couple of F bombs slip out today in front of the kids. Because I changed the radio station when they asked me to leave it on so they could listen to that new Kesha song because I couldn’t bear to listen to it a seventh time today. Because I said no when they begged for mini M&M’s on top of their ice cream desserts. Because I failed, once again, to live up to the highly coveted title of “Super Mommy.” But then again, there’s always tomorrow…or the day after that.
mistakes

Bottoms Up!

cocktailWhile only halfway through a day chockful of whining, sibling rivalry and countless “Mommy, I’m booooored’s” I have suddenly realized something very important and instrumental in helping me survive these trying times…it’s five o’clock somewhere.

Heads Up! It’s Another Curveball!

Because just when you think you’ve got this whole Mommy thing on lockdown…that kid of yours throws you a curve ball and knocks you right on your Mommy ass.
Every. F#*king. Time.

cookiesocky

Brilliant. Just Brilliant.

Why does Facebook give me the option to “like” my own status?
Of course I like it.
Because after all, I am f#*king hilarious.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

brilliant

M.O.M – Master of Multitasking…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom. What does a hen do if she is laying an egg at the same exact time she has to poop?”
Mommy: “Well, I guess she does what all mothers do.”
Camryn, 6: “Well, what’s that?”
Mommy: “She multitasks.”
hen

Home Sweet Home…

However, the kids may just send a glance your way if you yell, scream and shriek whatever you need to say like a crazy lunatic mom trying out for the role of Mommie Dearest.
I mean, not that I’d know or anything.
Just an idea.

home

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day…

“Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is. Wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” ~ Dr. Jonas Salk

roots

ALERT! ALERT!

Patience reserves are at an all time low today.
Stay back 500 feet at all times.
And to my very own pint sized patience zappers that I call my children….this means you.
Consider yourselves warned.

patience

I Forbid You!

“Hey kids! Whatever you do…do NOT even think about doing the laundry, washing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting or cleaning your rooms! I absolutely forbid you!”
<crosses fingers>

doit

Gearing Up For the Family Vacay Olivia Style…

Olivia, 5: “I have good news, Mom. I already packed my bag for our trip and don’t worry, I have EVERYTHING I would ever need.”
1. Metallic gold fur-lined boots and sequined Hello Kitty sneakers to ensure no matter which pair of shoes she chooses to wear on the trip, everyone within a fifteen mile radius sees her coming.
2. An unopened package of butterfly stickers to stick all over herself, her sister, the back of Mommy’ s head and the car during the four hour drive.
3. Some light reading material about super powered ponies and galloping to help pass the time while traveling.
4. A bottle of Mommy’s perfume which she already sprayed on herself 48 times before getting in the car causing all other passengers in the car to choke on her overpowering floral scent for the entire ride.
5. Cheese Doodles, in both puffed and crunchy form, to fill her belly and leave orange dust all over her hands, face, the car window and any other surface within two inches of her car seat.
6. A juice box, which she will down with just one super-sized sip, to wash down the cheese doodles and then complain moments later that she needs to “goes to the potty really, really bad because she is about to pee in her pants. For reals!”
7. A Tinkerbell bag with easy to use drawstring top for easy access to and transporting of all her vacay necessities.
livsbag

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on my scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, Olivia’s pigtails are supposed to be straight, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, Camryn’s supposed to clean her room, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

head

Mommy True Confession #457,665:

Strategically hidden behind those boxes of not-so-exciting animal crackers and less-than-thrilling Nilla Wafers in the kitchen cabinet is the home of Mommy’s secret collection of goodness. There you will find such delicious morsels as Peanut Butter Cup Chips Ahoy, Candy Corn flavored Oreo’s and Nutter Butters. And no, Mommy doesn’t share her cookies…ever…with anyone. True story.

cookies

The $206.31 Red T-Shirt…

Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,563: Your child will notify you no sooner than 8 pm on a Sunday night that they are required to wear the color red to school for drug-free week the following day.
Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,564: There is not be a speck of red to be found on any article of clothing in the sea of neon pink, purple, rhinestones and sequins that make up your child’s closet.
Mommy Law #4,565: After driving like a lunatic to make it to Target before closing time to purchase “just a red shirt and nothing more” you will end up spending $8.99 on the shirt and $197.32 on a cart full of shit you didn’t even want, need or intend on ever buying before you stepped foot inside the store. (*see obnoxiously overstuffed and overflowing cart below)
targetcart

Ode To Oversized Sweaters…

Dear Oversized Sweaters,
Thank you for your kindness, magical powers to hide those extra ten pounds and for making it simply okay to eat that second bowl of rigatoni ala vodka.
With Much Gratitude,
Mommy

sweaters

 

The Elf on the Shelf has entered the building…

Let the good behavior and obeying Mommy’s every single command commence for if it doesn’t my threat to extend a warm welcome to the Elf to stick around our house way after Christmas is over shall become a harsh reality for the little ones.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

<insert evil Mommie Dearest-esque laugh>

elf

Today’s FU Award Of The Day…

Mommy: <enters elevator with two daughters at her side and smiles politely at soon to reveal her true colors moron lady>
Moron Lady: “Hmmm. You don’t have any boys, huh? Just girls?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Moron Lady: <dramtically shaking head in disgust> “Well, you know what? I’d rather have 25 boys that have to raise one girl.”

A big congratulations to moron lady for earning today’s FU Of The Day Award. Your condescending look of disapproval, asinine commentary regarding the gender of my children and uncanny ability to take inappropriate commentary to a whole new level have earned you the FU Of The Day Award.

fu

Because Everybody’s a F#*king Expert…

(*note to self: order two of these gems in a girls size 6 as soon as possible and be sure to have kids wear them when we are in the company of one of those almighty super perfect moms who seem to always be equipped with and ready to spew a perfect solution to your every mommy woe yet their kids are shooting spitballs at everyone in the room while swinging from the chandelier on the ceiling.)

expert

Frienemies…

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again…all in a matter of minutes. Such is the life of siblings.

siblings

The Official Mommy’s Hurricane Preparedness Checklist:

1. A supply of wine to numb the pain of being cooped up in the house with the kids for 48+ hours straight.
2. A wide variety of comfort foods including family sized bags of Doritos in both Cool Ranch and Spicy Nacho flavors, a huge jug of marshmallow fluff, a loaf of bread, and an extra large sized jar of peanut butter in order to eat away the stress.
3. A 600 count bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol for those excruciating sibling rivalry-induced headaches.
4. Multiple packages of AA batteries to keep handheld video games alive and children entertained at all times.
5. A bottle of Valium in case the Tylenol doesn’t do the trick.
6. Three bags chockful of $24 worth of dollar store crafts to keep the little ones occupied when the batteries die in their video games.
7. Freshly installed heavy duty child-proof door lock on Mommy’s bedroom door to ensure there’s a safe haven to escape to when the kids get unruly.
8. Two completely identical flashlights that the kids will inevitably find a reason to argue over anyway when the power goes out.
9. Earplugs to drown out the incessant whining of the phrase ” Moooooomy! I’m Booooored!”
10. More wine.
hurricane

Introducing the 2013 “Mommy’s Dream” Model Minivan…

While moms have the option to fully customize the vehicle to their own specific needs, this beauty already comes fully equipped with the follwing luxury amenities you have always dreamed of:
– A fully stocked mini-bar including such snacktime favorites as Goldfish crackers, Scooby Doo fruit snacks, cheesesticks, yogurt sticks and Juicy Juice juiceboxes.
– An extensive library of kid-friendly music, including such chart toppers as Kidz Bop volumes 1 thru 23, The Wiggles and Justin Bieber, all available at the push of a button.
– A wide array of videogames, toys and arts and crafts materials to satisfy the needs, demands and wildest dreams of all age children.
-And last, but most definitely not least…a full time personal assistant to meet every one of the children’s 3,562 demands per minute while you try your damndest to focus on successfully completing the ten mile ride to the supermarket for a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and yet another box of those f#*king Scooby Doo fruit snacks to replenish the mini-bar for the next car ride.
crazydriver

Not So Proud Mommy Moment #45,658:

If looks could kill, my six year old would have just kicked my ass from here to Timbuktu after learning the harsh truth that the one last Snickers bar from her Halloween bag is no longer available for consumption because it has a new home in my belly.
<reminds self to sleep with one eye open>

candytax

A gem of a conversation overhead in the theater during today’s showing of Wreck-It Ralph…

Mom (whispering as if she’s in a helicopter): “Jack, I don’t want you eating anymore of the candy.”
Jack: “But why?”
Mom: “It can make you fat. Give it to me.”
Jack (speaking loudly enough for each and every person in the  theater to hear him loud and clear): “Um ok, Mom. But, make sure I don’t catch you eating the candy because after all, it can make YOU fat too.”

<And this round goes to Jack. Well played, little man. Well played.>

Mommy Fill In The Blank #4,598:

You know you are a parent when_____________________.

For example, you know you are a parent when you finally crawl into your bed at the end of an exhausting, overwhelming day and you are greeted by a rainbow colored Slinky, a half-eaten cheese stick and a stuffed animal hedgehog stabbing you in ass.

lollipop

Calling All Mommies! Want to Lose That Mommy Guilt? Here’s How…

Go check out the new book, Joy-Worthy. Joy-Worthy gives you the scoop on how to let go of the five types of “mommy guilt;” how to deal with Martyrs, Joy Suckers and Not-Worthy Women; and how to get your joy back even if you feel isolated, angry or frustrated.
The book includes a series of journal entry questions for self-reflection, and tried-and-true tips on how to give yourself a break from the daily routine, reduce and manage stress, and build resilience and inner strength.
Author Julie McGrath also offers strategies for taking the risk to move beyond your comfort zone, and tips for rediscovering the goals and dreams you might have lost in the chaos of motherhood. Whether you’re just adjusting to motherhood, chasing toddlers, sparring with teens, or facing an empty nest with no idea of xcpertwho you are anymore, this book shows you how to reclaim your strong, confident and joyful self.
If you are not fully participating in your own life, Joy-Worthy is your wake-up call, because life doesn’t stop and wait until you feel ready. It’s time to stop that vicious cycle of blah and get moving in the direction of your dreams!
And a big thank you to Julie for including various excerpts from Where’s The F#*ing Mommy Manual? in the book and my review of her book right smack dab on the back cover!

Cleaning Pre and Post Kids…

“Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
~ Phyllis Dillercleaningwithkids