If You Give Five Year Old Olivia a Crayon…

She will ask you for a piece of purple paper to draw on.
When you tell her you don’t have any purple paper, she will whine for five minutes straight until finally agreeing to use the pink piece of paper you offered her instead.
While drawing, she will begin to complain that she is hungry and in desperate need of a snack.
You will kindly offer her cookies, pretzels or a banana.
She will yell that all of those snacks are “super yucky” and after another eight minutes of whining, will begin eating and clearly enjoying the pretzels.
Next, she will ask you for a drink of milk.
After only one sip of the full cup of milk, she will spill it all over her drawing on the pink paper and immediately fall into one of her infamous monster-sized tantrums.
Then, you will then lose any patience you may have left and you will yell.
Really f#*king loud.
Like a lunatic.
Finally, Olivia will look up, roll her eyes at you and declare, “Geesh, you don’t have to yell like that, Mommy.” and within seconds, a supersized wave of Mommy guilt will wash over you.
The end.

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