Mommy’s List Of The Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom (Yet Sadly, Now Do On a Daily Basis):

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes in a row of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Dora the Explorer, The Wonder Pets, and Spongebob.
2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich minus the crusts with a not-so-nutritious side of a fluorescent blue colored cotton candy flavored yogurt stick for both lunch and dinner…in the same day.
3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The USA,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.
4. Be talked into purchasing and serving the children cereal with artificially rainbow colored marshmallows in it for breakfast…at least three mornings a week.
5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to be completely acceptable as my very own dinner.

6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face in under 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail the color, frequency, odor and consistency of another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Be completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, five days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove Oreos, banana and other food remnants off of my child’s face after discovering the baby wipes holder in my pocketbook is empty…again.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me on multiple occasions throughout each day which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”

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