Top 10 Things I Really Wish Someone Took The Time To Tell Me Before I Became a Mom…

1. Take pride in and fully enjoy the fact you can sneeze without peeing in your pants because in your post-baby days that luxury will be a distant memory.
2. You will lose your patience. Sometimes you will yell. Loud. Very f#*king loud. Occasionally, you may even spit and stutter while you yell. Quite often you will find you are acting like the exact opposite of the parent you imagined you’d be.
3.  You will learn how to pee, shit, shave and shower with an audience because those are the times all the “emergencies” will occur and your kid will need you the most.
4. You will quickly master the skill of navigating all stores in such a manner as to completely avoid the toy department or any department that may have toys strategically placed at your child’s eye level.
5. Make it a priority to hide the good chocolate. And the good cookies. And that pint of good ice cream. Preferably somewhere up high. Very high. And do not take it out until after you are absolutely sure the kids have fallen asleep for the night.
6. Wear a wetsuit and goggles while bathing your child. Flippers are optional. Be on guard and prepared to handle approximately three foot wave swells as your child attempts to swim, perform tricks with their bath toys and blow bubbles in the tub.
7. Master the art of dodging legos, matchbox cars, and other razor sharp toys while walking through the house. Doing so will help you in avoiding ER trips to get your foot stitched back together.
8. Practice and perfect the skill of locating a micro-sized piece of a toy on the car floor, changing the radio station and refereeing a full out brawl between your children while attempting to drive 55 mph on the highway in order to avoid being late for your Mommy and Me class.
9. You will be able to wipe butts, de-booger noses and clean up puke without gagging, dry heaving or vomiting yourself.
10. Be fully aware that motherhood is a crazy, scary and straight up exhausting ride that is not for the overly sensitive, easily traumatized or weak of heart. Know that even with all the diaper blowouts, tantrums, snotty noses, sleepless nights, back talk and whining, if given the choice, you’d never have it any other way, because this is exactly where you want to be.
True story.

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