Monthly Archives: February 2013

I’ve Become My Mother. Oh Shit.

Top Ten Reasons I Am Convinced I Have Officially Become My Mother…
1. I used the following phrases today. “Don’t make me say it again!” “Watch that tone with me!” and “You want to why?
Because I’m the mom and I said so. That’s why!”
2. When getting ready to go to a special occasion, no outfit is complete with a nice quality pair of control top
pantyhose which is nothing more than a modern day version of that girdle thing my mom used to wear when she was my
3. I have retired my high heel shoes and have traded them in for multiple pairs in every color of those sensible,
comfortable flats which look strikingly similar to those shoes I swore I’d never wear in my mom’s closet.
4. Without hesitation, I found it completely acceptable to use my own saliva to clean the remnants of an Oreo cookie
off my daughter’s face this afternoon.
5. While walking through the mall, I cannot resist the urge to criticize and comment on the way all the tweenage girls
dress like cheap whores and how my daughters will never leave the house looking like that.
6. I genuinely look forward to late night solo trips to the supermarket and have developed the skill to make such
trips last for hours by creeping up each and every aisle, reading every last nutrition label while singing along to
the Muzak versions of Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” and Phil Collins’ “Sussudio”.
7. I fell victim to a mommy tantrum triggered by my kid’s tantrum this afternoon during which I yelled, stuttered,
mispronounced words and saw spit fly from my mouth.
8. I caught myself standing at the front door, clutching my pocketbook and obsessively staring at my watch while
anxiously awaiting the answer to my Friday evening prayers…the babysitter.
9.There is now always at least one bottle of cheap wine in the house at all times.
10. Very often, on those super exhausting days in mommyland that straight up knocked me on my Mommy ass, that wine is the highlight of my day and the sole reason for my sanity.


You’re a Good Mom…

keep calm you're a good momDear Mommies,

Because sometimes we just need a little reminder.
Here’s yours.

A Fellow Mommy
(Who Spends At Least 85% Of Each Day Convinced She Has Absolutely No F#*king Clue About How To Succeed At This Whole Motherhood Thing)

Dear Diet…

fuckyoudietDear Diet,

Alas, another Monday has fallen upon us. And so we meet again. Damn it. Damn it to hell.

Lettuce for Lunch

Mommy’s List of the Top Ten Most Annoying Gifts For Kids…

1. Play Doh (especially those super-sized tubs of 30 different colors which are always mixed together to become 30 containers of gray Play Doh after the first time they are used)
2. Any toy that makes noise of any kind (this includes, but it not limited to squeaking noises, ringing bells, sirens, meows, and auto-tuned voices )
3. Any toy that makes noise with the option for the child to make the volume louder
4. Moon Sand (in any quantity because all it takes is a handful to destroy carpet, clothes and anything else within fifty feet that holds any value)
5. Slime (no matter the color or amount because this stuff is just a disaster waiting to happen and most times that disaster will take place in your kid’s hair)
6. Any board game that requires more than two players therefore necessitating a parent to actually participate in the game when instead you could be tackling laundry, dirty dishes or Facebook)
7. Any Justin Bieber related item (this includes, but is not limited to, CD’s, DVD’s and obnoxiously loud and completely out of tune singing dolls)
8. Any micro-mini-sized toys that once lost shall never be found again (yet you still fall victim to being guilted into searching every last inch of the house, car and last four stores you visited to try to find it)
9. Gumball and/or any hard candy filled toys that your kids will risk either choking or shattering a tooth on
10. A toy microphone capable of amplifying their every whine, complaint, battle with their sibling, and endless song covers of Kesha, Flo-Rida, and One Direction.

Lettuce For Lunch…


Dear Diet,

Alas, another Monday has fallen upon us. And so we meet again. Damn it. Damn it to hell.

Lettuce for Lunch

The 2013 Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers Contest…

contest242 bloggers entered.
Those still holding tight onto a spot in the top 25 were crowned the winners.
I came in at number eight.
Number freaking eight! Holla!
High fives, big Mommy hugs, much thanks and all that jazz to you for voting for me.
And an even bigger thanks for reading my ramblings, epiphanies and tantrums and for letting me know I am not the only one out there still searching for that f#*king mommy manual…

The Smart One…


Olivia, 5: “Hey Mommy? Who sings this song on the radio?”
Mommy: “I’m not sure, Liv. Sorry.”
Camryn, 7: (chimes in unsolicited from backseat of car) “Well. Good thing I’m here because I know it is Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj singing this.”
Mommy: “Well, there you have it then. Thanks, Cam.”
Camryn, 7: “You’re welcome and just so you know this is exactly why you had me…to have a smart kid in this family.”

Temper Tantrums…


Dear Tantruming Child O’ Mine,

The world really isn’t going to end just because I said you can’t have a second lollipop. I promise. It really won’t. So…
Cut. That. Shit. Out.

Forever Grateful,

Well Done, Portlandia. Well Done.

Because it takes a a lot to make me laugh and this one did the trick…and also because it brought me to the verge of peeing in my pants because I laughed so freaking hard. Well done, Portlandia. Well done.

A Relaxing Family Vacation…

Dear Kids,
Would you please be so kind to take a quick break from your never-ending whining, bickering, tantrums and “are we there yet’s” to smile for the camera and do your best imitation of a nice normal family enjoying some nice quality family time on this year’s nice, relaxing family vacation? We’re making memories here little ones. We’re making some god damn happy memories. Now say cheese!
With Sincere Thanks,

Sweet, Sweet Mommy

That rare moment you’re feeling pretty good about yourself and this whole motherhood thing…and then suddenly your kid throws you a curveball and knocks you right back on your ass…
Camryn, 7: “Hey Mommy. I’m so excited for you to come t…o my school for the big book fair they’re having today. And who knows? They might even have a book for you to buy about how to be a good mom.”
Mommy: (rendered speechless)
Camryn, 7: “Um, well. Like, ya see…it’s not that you’re not actually a good mom, but maybe you can read it to just get a little sweeter.”
Mommy: (hangs head and begins mourning the loss of her Mommy of the Year Award)

Mommy’s Valentine’s Day Confession…

I love all my kids equally. Except the one who gives me cold hard cash as a Valentine’s Day gift. That one I love just a smidge more.


Top Ten Reasons I Most Likely Blew My Chances To Win The 2013 Mommy of the Year Award:

1. I yelled today. Six times. By 8:00 am. Over nonsense which included, but wasn’t limited to, an accidentally spilled cup of chocolate milk, a five-yea…r-old’s tantrum triggered by a minor wardrobe mafunction, and a pile of steaming hot dog shit strategically left right in the path of my bare feet.
2. I forgot to go fods shopping again, so the closest thing to fruit the kids ate with their breakfast today were the fruit loops in their cereal bowls.
3. Dinner came from a box. A blue box. That had the words Kraft, macaroni and cheese on it.
4. I yelled again. Louder than before. At 9:12 am. And this time it included the dramatic bonus of spit flying from my mouth as I roared each syllable.
5. I completely lost my patience and began mumbling obscenities under my breath over the stupid zipper on Camryn’s jacket getting stuck yet again. Sad, but true, a jammed zipper sent me tumbling head first over the edge into the abyss of insanity.
6. I denied the kids’ request to listen to the Kidz Bop version of “Boyfriend” on the way to school because just the mere thought of those not-so-talented kids whining through my car speakers brought on waves of nausea.
7. I also denied the kids next request to listen to the non-Kidz Bop version of “Boyfriend” on the way to school because the mere thought of Justin Bieber’s whiny voice made me queasy as well.
8. I failed miserably at trying to conquer the fancy side braid Olivia wanted so desperately in her hair and sent her
through the school doors with a basic, boring, run of the mill ponytail instead.
9. I forgot to wish Camryn good luck on her Social Studies test when I dropped her at school which means I will fall victim to a severe case of mommy guilt if she happens to forgets some of the seven continents and fails.
10. I will without a doubt make at least 7 (but probably more) of the same mistakes again tomorrow, get knocked on my ass by numerous tidal waves of mommy guilt and once again be sucked into the black hole that is feeling like I royally suck at this whole motherhood thing.

Welcome To The Jungle…

Buckle up.
Secure all loose articles.
Brace yourself.
And hold on tight.
It’s every parent for themself.
Hope for the best, but expect the worst.
Because it’s a f#*king jungle out there.
<honks horn like a lunatic, spews out multiple profanities and dramatically shoots one of her patented Evil Mommy looks at the idiot who swooped in out of nowhere and dared to cut her off in the school pickup lane>

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Most Annoying Children’s TV Shows…

1. Calliou – Because if I really want to listen to a whiny kid, I can just turn the tv off and listen to my own.
2.  Max and Ruby – Because while watching the bossy pants big sister tell her brother what to do I am continuously wondering where the hell are thier damn parents to put her ass in a time out?
3. Wonder Pets – Because no children’s show should teach kids it’s ok to speak like a fuzzy little duckling with a terrible speech impediment that gets around in a flying boat.
4. Dora The Explorer and/or Go Diego Go – Because there just aren’t too many things that are creepier than that way they stare at you while waiting you to answer their asinine questions, such as, Have you seen the pygmy marmoset in the jungle?
5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse – Because the sound of Mickey calling out to that Toodles contraption is enough to make my skin crawl.
6. Spongebob – Because any show that teaches my young impressionable kids to incorporate such words as diarrhea, stupid and idiot into their everyday vocabulary is an epic fail in my book.
7. The Wiggles – Because when that happy-go-lucky quartet of men begin singing a song about fruit salad being yummy, yummy I contemplate punching the tv screen.
8. Teletubbies – Because brightly colored, alien-esque looking creatures with shapes on their heads who speak in some weird, disturbing language simply scare the living shit out of me.
9. Veggie Tales – Because when vegetables begin singing songs that preach about god and loving thy neighbor I have no choice but to forcefully hit the power button the tv.
10. Barney – Because any show that stars an oversized, purple, talking dinosaur dancing around with “kids” who are clearly way too old to even be on the show deserves to be criticized, ridiculed and boycotted by parents everywhere.


Mommy’s Not-So-Proud, Yet True Confession #62,850:

Although Mommy’s love is unconditional, she will always have a special soft spot for the kid who naps, wipes their own butt, ties their own shoes, and doesn’t exit their room six times afte…r Mommy declares it bedtime with poor excuses such as the need for a glass of water or two, to say goodnight to and bearhug the cat, to discuss which Justin Bieber song is the best to dance to, and to make use of the potty three damn times.
*Please click the link below to vote for Where’s the f#*king mommy manual? in this year’s Top 25 Funny Mom Bloggers Contest. Thank you.


Dear Author Of This Book Who Sure As Hell Ain’t A Mom Who Ever Attempted To Conquer A Trip To The Supermarket With Kids En Tow,
Upon reading your book, I couldn’t help but notice how the Mom is smiling from ear to ear while grocery shopping with her little ones instead of on the verge of a nervous breakdown as she prays for the strength to make it through another family field trip to the supermarket.
I also couldn’t help but make note of the fact the daughter is willingly and happily carrying her own belongings instead of incessantly whining for her Mom to hold them for her because suddenly they’re just too heavy for her.
I also noticed how nicely the infant son is sitting in the shopping cart instead of attempting daredevil stunts to climb out, scale the side of the cart and single handedly destroy an end cap display of canned corn.
It also caught my eye that the cart is neatly filled with healthy, nutritious foods and neither of the children has succeeded in strategically hiding a package of Double Stuff Oreos, a box of Fruity Pebbles and a Snickers bar in it.
Although I do get quite a kick out of your positive attitude and lofty thoughts on shopping with kids, I feel it is my duty as a mom who would rather give birth without an epidural than go food shopping with my children, to let you know that your book sits upon a throne of lies. File that shit under fiction.
*Please click the link below and vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Bloggers Contest.

Looks Like Mommy’s Got A Case of the Mondays…Again.

Because nothing says good morning like super sized puddles of chocolate milk all over the kitchen table, floor, chairs and your lap.
True story.
True f#*king story.
And a happy Monday to you too.
*Please vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Bloggers Contest by clicking the link below. Thank you.

Friday Night…with kids

Here’s to another wild and crazy Friday night…with kids.
So, kids…let’s get this party started.
And over by 8:00 pm.
Because it’s T minus 39 minutes til Mommy’s wine down time.
But who’s counting?
This gal right here, that’s who.
Ain’t no shame in my game.
Holla. *
Please vote once everyday for WTFMM in Circle of Mom’s Top 25 Mom Bloggers Contest until 2/13/2013 when the winning Mom is crowned. Please and thank you.

ain’t nobody got time for that…

Dear Over-Achieving, Disgustingly Creative, Fancy Lunch Making Mom,
Please cut this shit out. You’re making me look bad. But more importantly because if there’s any chance my kid may ever sit next to your kid during lunchtime at school and comes to realize that things in her lunchbag can get a hell of a lot fancier than her usual crustless pb & J cut into four squares…I’m coming to find you. Consider yourself warned.
Please click below to vote for WTFMM in the 2013 Circle of Moms Top 25 Mom Bloggers Contest. Vote once a day, everyday, until 2/13/2013 when the winning Mommy shall be crowned. Thanks!

OBEY Baby Stewie…go vote!

Please click below to vote for WTFMM in the 2013 Circle of Moms Top 25 Mom Bloggers Contest. Vote once a day, everyday, until 2/13/2013 when the winning Mommy shall be crowned. Thanks!


Better Luck next time little lady…

Today’s e-card has been inspired by and is lovingly dedicated to my very own seven-year-old daughter, Camryn, who once again failed to make sure her Mommy was completely out of sight before deciding it would be a good idea to stick her tongue out at her.  Better luck next time, little lady. Better luck next time…
*Please click the link below and vote everyday for WTFMM in the 2013 Top Mommy Bloggers Contest. Thank you. <sticks tongue out at those who don’t click the link>

Peeing Alone…

Motherhood… When a trip to the bathroom without any pint-sized spectators commenting on the odor, color and duration of your poop feels like you’ve won the Mommy jackpot.
*Please click the link below to vote once everyday for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Bloggers Contest. All who vote will receive free babysitting the next time they need to pay a visit to the potty.

and desperately searching for that F#*king Mommy Manual…

Please click below to vote for WTFMM. Vote once a day, everyday, until 2.13.2013 when the winning Mommy is crowned.  Thanks!


Tis the season for germs…

Tis the season for germs, snotty noses and co-pays. It’s time to once again break out your trusty Pediatrician Frequent Visitor Rewards Card. Please see below for this year’s line up of fantastic gifts you and your child can earn this germ-infested winter season in exchange for your repeated weekly visits to the pediatrician…
– On your 1st visit: A free second sticker and/or Dum Dum lollipop
– On your 2nd visit: A free bottle of grape or cherry flavored children’s Tylenol
– On your 3rd visit: A free box of swabs to perform strep throat cultures at home
– On your 4th visit: A free ear or temporal scanner thermometer
– On your 5th visit: A “no wait” card to bypass others when the waiting room is full
– On your 6th visit: Free, 24-hour access to the pediatrician’s personal cell phone
– On your 7th visit: A free prescription pad, since due to your last six visits to the office during the past two weeks, you are now fully capable of both diagnosing, prescribing for and medicating your child accordingly without the help of a trained pediatrician.

Obey Mommie Dearest and spare us the wire hangers….

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Studies show that clicking the link below, voting for and following Where’s the f#*king mommy manual? is proven to reduce stress, relieve tension and guarantee you the pleasure of a good laugh each and every day. Do it for yourself. Do it for me. Just do it. Please and thank you.


Showering: Mommy Style…

That moment you step into a steaming, hot shower and are joyously whisked away to paradise…
and the nerve wracking moment soon after when you suddenly panic and begin to make a mental list of all the disastrous things that have probably taken place in the four minutes you were not in the same room as the kids.
*Please click the link below once a day until 2/13/2013 to vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funniest Mommy Bloggers Contest. Please and thank you.

Mommy’s Secret ice cream…

Dear Kids,
Nevermind that pint of fabulously delicious Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby in the freezer. That is for one person and one person only. And that one person is Mommy. Why you may ask? Simply because I am the Mommy and I said so.
With Love,
PS: You are more than welcome to help yourself to one of the not-so-fabulous, yet still yummy, vanilla dixie cups sitting next to it though.
*Please click the link below and vote once everday until 2/13/2013 for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers Contest. Those who vote can have a taste of the secret ice cream.

A Good day in Mommyland…

Ding! Ding! Ding!
We have a winner.
It was a good day in Mommyland.
Hope it was in yours too.

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Mommy’s Advice…

Mommy’s Unsolicited Advice.
Always there.
Whether you want it or not.
True story.

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Cue the Carousel Music As Yet Another Schoolweek Begins in Good Ol’ Mommyland…

On your mark. Get set. Go!
It begins with a dash of laundry. Some dishwasher loading and unloading. A pinch of vacuuming. A little bit of tantrum-taming. A …tad of butt wiping. Some shoe/sock search and recovery missions. Lots of juice cup filling and refilling. Some snotty nose wiping. A couple rounds of hair accessory repositioning. Multiple episodes of dog poop cleaning up. A few food shopping field trips. Countless instances of cheese stick unwrapping. A great deal of toy re-organizing. Way too much sibling rivalry refereeing. A whole lot of school lunch packing. A handful of bath giving. Lots of bedtime story reading and finally, if you’re lucky…passing out cold in your own bed by 11:30 pm…only to hop back on the carousel again in seven short hours. Ugh. Where are the f#*ing brakes on this thing?
*Please vote for WTFMM once everyday in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funniest Mommy Bloggers  of 2013 Contest by clicking the link below until 2/13/2013. Please and thank you!

You don’t know shit…

Because everybody’s a f#*king expert, now aren’t they?
And also because it seems I happen to have been blessed with the luck of encountering one of these gems every damn day.
<makes mental note to dedicate more time to perfecting the skill of biting her tongue…>
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Mommy’s Not-So-Proud Moment of the Day #76,898:

That moment the old lady walking down aisle 8 in Target gasps, nearly drops her can of reduced-sodium chicken broth and then stares you down after your seven year old daughter totally nails the chorus to that filthy whore Kesha’s song, “Take It Off” which for those who haven’t had the pleasure goes as follows: There’s a place downtown where the freaks all come around. It’s a hole in the wall. It’s a dirty free for all. Turn me on. Take it off. Everybody take it off.”
<lets out a great big Mommy sigh while the sting of how many points she just lost towards that 2013 Mommy of The Year Award sets in…>
Please click the link below and vote once everyday for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funniest Mommy Bloggers Contest. Contest ends 2/13/2013. Please and thank you.

Motherhood Fun Fact Of The Day…

Dear Kids,
Your math skills? Thank Daddy.
Your awesomeness? That’s all Mommy.
No thanks necessary.
Your Awesome Mommy (
Who Can’t Do Math)
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Dear Husband O’ Mine,
It’s Saturday night. I shaved my legs. Above the knees. Now, let’s not let all my effort go to waste. Let’s get it on, shall we?
Your Wife
PS: Don’t ever say I don’t love you.
*Please take a moment out of your Saturday night to vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers by clikcing the link below once a day until 2/13/13. Please and thank you.

You Say Penis, I Say Pieces…

When your five-year-old kid refers to the custodian at her school as the “escobian” you smile. When she substitutes the word “unicornycorn” for unicorn during a conversation you get a good chuckle. When she tel…ls you she has to bring her “chopstick” in case her lips get chapped while you’re out, you giggle. But when she proudly declares, “Hey Mommy, I really, really love those Reese’s Penises you bought me yesterday” you collapse on the floor, try to catch your breath as the stomach cramps set in from laughing so hard you can’t even see straight.
Your turn.
*The funniest thing my kid ever said was ________________.
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Today’s Forecast…

Today’s Forecast: Sunshine throughout the day with a high chance of periods of severe tantrums, tears and whining.

*Please click the link below and vote once everyday for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers Contest. Contest ends Feb. 13, 2013. Please and thank, thank, thank you.



Mom’s Night Out (MNO): a night out with fellow mommy friends, sans kids, to relax, decompress, rejuvenate and take a break from all things Mommy…at which you will all, undoubtedly, spend 97% of the night discussing, in great detail, your children and motherhood.
*Please take a moment to click on the link below and vote once a day for WTFMM in the 2013 Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers Contest. Contest ends Feb. 13, 2013. Thank you for voting and thank you for reading WTFMM.

Phone Calls: Mommy Style…

Caller: “Is this a bad time?”
Mommy: (swatting at kids as they run past her shrieking the chorus to Justin Bieber’s “Beauty and a Beat” as loud as they possibly can) “Oh no, no, no. Please go on.”
Caller: “Um, are you sure because it sounds like a really bad time for you.”
Mommy: “I got news for you. It ain’t gonna be any better if you call back later, so let’s get this done now, shall we?”
Caller: “What’s that? I’m having a hard time hearing you.”
Mommy: (sprints to the nearest bathroom, immediately locks door and attempts to complete the phone call while doing her damdest to ignore the little hellions pounding on the door)
Without fail. Every f#*king time. <sigh>
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My Boss Is A Five-Year-Old…

…I need a cup of milk, I need a yogurt stick, I need a cheese stick, I need more milk, I need a juice box, I need you to watch me go poopy, I need you to read to me while I go poopy, I need you to wipe my butt, I need goldfish crackers, I need another juice box in a different flavor than last time, I need a bubble gum flavored lollipop, I need you to immediately stop everything you’re doing and abandon your Target shopping cart so you can escort me to the potty again, I need you to sit next to me and observe while I play with my toys, but don’t even think of touching them, I need you to go get my blankie and favorite stuffed animal of the week, I need you to turn on the tv and surf all 350 channels until I see something I think I would like to watch, I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, here comes another poopy…
*Please click the link below to vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms 25 Top Funniest Mommy Bloggers Contest. You can vote once every day until the contest ends on Feb. 13th, 2013. Please and thank you for the love.
mommycarry me

Tonight’s Installment of The Dreaded School Lunch Preparation…

And just at that very moment I began to sigh about that fact that school lunch-making time had arrived yet again, I came across this gem and just like that it all fell into perspective and it suddenly dawned on me that making one single peanut butter and jelly sandwich really isn’t such a chore after all. Because I realized how easy I actually have it, I decided to dedicate a few more seconds to getting all fancy by trimming the crusts off and cutting the sandwich into fours. Major Mommy of the Year points scored.
<Dusts off a spot on the mantle for her hard-earned Mommy of the Year 2013 Award and sits back awaiting it’s arrival…>
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Mommy Mystery #474:

Motherhood: That glorious moment when you stumble upon a half smushed fun-sized Snickers bar lying at the bottom of your pocketbook and immediately shove it down your throat before the kids see it and drown you with guilt to give them a bite.
*Please click the link below to vote for WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funnies Mommy Bloggers Contest. Vote once every 24 hours. Contest ends Feb. 13th, 2013. Those who vote will receive a free, unsmushed fun-sized Snickers bar…

Rocket Science…

Well, well, well.
Finally! An explanation as to why I find this whole motherhood thing so damn challenging.
I mean after all, Science and Social Studies were never really my thing.
*Please take a moment to click the link below to vote f…or WTFMM in Circle of Moms Top 25 Funniest Mommy Bloggers Contest. You can vote once every 24 hours, so go ahead and click daily. Thank you for supporting a fellow mom who ain’t too proud to admit she has no f#*king clue about this whole motherhood thing either.