Top Ten Reasons I Am Convinced I Have Officially Become My Mother…
1. I used the following phrases today. “Don’t make me say it again!” “Watch that tone with me!” and “You want to why?
Because I’m the mom and I said so. That’s why!”
2. When getting ready to go to a special occasion, no outfit is complete with a nice quality pair of control top
pantyhose which is nothing more than a modern day version of that girdle thing my mom used to wear when she was my
3. I have retired my high heel shoes and have traded them in for multiple pairs in every color of those sensible,
comfortable flats which look strikingly similar to those shoes I swore I’d never wear in my mom’s closet.
4. Without hesitation, I found it completely acceptable to use my own saliva to clean the remnants of an Oreo cookie
off my daughter’s face this afternoon.
5. While walking through the mall, I cannot resist the urge to criticize and comment on the way all the tweenage girls
dress like cheap whores and how my daughters will never leave the house looking like that.
6. I genuinely look forward to late night solo trips to the supermarket and have developed the skill to make such
trips last for hours by creeping up each and every aisle, reading every last nutrition label while singing along to
the Muzak versions of Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” and Phil Collins’ “Sussudio”.
7. I fell victim to a mommy tantrum triggered by my kid’s tantrum this afternoon during which I yelled, stuttered,
mispronounced words and saw spit fly from my mouth.
8. I caught myself standing at the front door, clutching my pocketbook and obsessively staring at my watch while
anxiously awaiting the answer to my Friday evening prayers…the babysitter.
9.There is now always at least one bottle of cheap wine in the house at all times.
10. Very often, on those super exhausting days in mommyland that straight up knocked me on my Mommy ass, that wine is the highlight of my day and the sole reason for my sanity.
I’ve Become My Mother. Oh Shit.