I Used To Be Sweet, Innocent, and Patient…
(But Then I Became a Mom and This Shit Happened):
1. Being subjected to twelve minutes of intense temper tantrums, complete with ear piercing screams, over hairstyle malfunctions.
2. Tending to multiple diarrhea diaper blowouts during the wee hours of the morning and not realizing most of it ended up on my sleeve until hours later when my husband asked “Is that poop or chocolate on your sleeve?”
3. Having to listen to endless rounds of sibling rivalry over such important things as whether to watch Spongebob or Strawberry Shortcake on TV.
4. Consoling a crying child because they lost their pink elephant stuffed animal that they snuck out of the house after I specifically told them to leave in their room because Target doesn’t allow pink elephants inside.
5. Busting my ass in the kitchen to put a healthy dinner on the table only to be told they’d really rather have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in between making gagging noises as they chew.
6. Learning that not only did the dog shit in the house, then step in it and track it all over the house…so did my child.
7. That when my child tells me they can hold it for another ten minutes while shopping in the supermarket, they can’t and will most likely let it flow right over the bananas, box of Cocoa Krispies and bag of dog food in the cart.
8. Learning that when a four-year-old decides she is strong enough to handle pouring from a gallon sized jug of milk, the spill she creates will cover each and every tile on the kitchen floor.
9. That no matter how nice I am, Grandma will always be considered nicer because “she never yells like I always do.”
10. That every single time my child throws up, it is fully guaranteed that the vomit will land on me.
I Used To Be Sweet, Innocent and Patient…