Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of:
Lies I Admit I Tell My Children on a Regular Basis:
1. “I love all my children equally.”
(But, at the end of the day, whichever one of them whined the least gets an extra scoop of ice cream at dessert)
2. “Yes, I swear. There really is a Santa Claus, an Easter Bunny, and leprechauns.
(And if you truly believe a fat, white-bearded man, a supersized, basket-toting rabbit, and a troublemaking pint-sized elfish man not only come waltzing through your house once a year but also keep a watchful eye on you to make sure your behavior is in check, so be it. Like I always say, go with whatever works.)
3. “I just don’t know where those last three Double Stuff Oreo’s that were just on the counter went.
(Damn, I almost forgot how much I love Double Stuff Oreos)
4. “Our television will blow up if we try to make it show us Caillou, Dora, or The Wonder Pets.”
(Or any other show with an annoying theme song for that matter)
5. “There’s nothing more I’d like to do than buy you a pet rabbit, turtle, ferret, parakeet, snake, hamster, and a tarantula, but believe it or not, Mommy’s super allergic to them all.”
(Actually it turns out Mommy’s allergic to anything else entering this house that needs to be fed, watered or needs any other type of demand met)
6. “Ok, sure. I’ll be there in one minute.”
(Well, in reality, probably more likely at that moment I hear screaming, glass shattering, or fire burning, but eventually I’ll get there)
7. The radio in Mommy’s car just can’t play One Direction, Justin Bieber, Kesha, or that annoying “Call Me Maybe” song.
(Oh yeah, and any of those wretched Kidz Bops CD’s, Radio Disney, or any other song on the current Top 20 list)
8. “No, of course I didn’t throw away those 37 worksheets you brought home from school this past week. It totally looks like the wind blew them into the garbage can.”
(And strategically hid them beneath 8 layers of trash to camouflage them so you’d never learn the harsh truth that I don’t save every single piece of paper you bring home from school)
9. “What’s that sound? That’s the ice cream man playing his music. He does that to let us all know he ran out of ice cream. Maybe he’ll get some more really soon.”
(And of course tomorrow night, at the precise moment I am about to put dinner on the table, that bastard will roll on by our house blaring his obnoxious music in an attempt to hypnotize all the children within a fifty mile radius to beg, plead and cry for some of his ice cream treats)
10. “Every time you whine, a fairy dies.”
(And so does a little part of Mommy’s sanity. So cut that shit out already)