Monthly Archives: May 2013

Because It’s NEVER A Good Time…

circus
Mommy: (somehow manages to both hear the phone ringing over the cacophony of sounds in the house and locate it before the answering machine picks up)
Random Caller: “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me, ma’am?”
Mommy: “Yep. Loud and clear.”
Random Caller: “Wow. Sounds like this is a really bad time for you, eh?”
Mommy: “Well, since you asked. No. And it ain’t going to get much better than this and beggars can’t be choosers, so it’s really now or never, sir. So, let’s have it.”
Random Caller: (awkward silence)
Mommy: (click)

Because I’m The Mom…

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Dear Kids,
Why won’t I let you have seconds for dessert, get a pet pony and name it Buttercup, take monthly trips to Disneyworld, watch the entire Spongebob Squarepants marathon on tv, stay up four hours past your bedtime, have a full-fledged dance party at 6:02 am, or have access to my secrect stash of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream? Well, it’s pretty simple so here goes…I’m the mom and f#*king said so. And that’s one to grow on little ones.

With Love Always,
Mommy

The Official List of Top Ten Reasons I Was a Good Mom Today…

goodmom

The Official List of Top Ten Reasons I Was a Good Mom Today…

1. I fed the kids breakfast, lunch, and dinner…even though I just did it yesterday.
2. I sacrificed most, if not all, the whipped cream off the top of my ice cream sundae so that my five-year-old daughter could have double on hers.
3. I particpated in an in-depth, detailed conversation with my seven year old about which One Direction member is the cutest and why while sitting on the toilet behind a locked bathroom door trying to take care of my business.
4. I didn’t begin yelling about such things as messy rooms, dirty clothes on the floor, and orange cheese puff stains on the wall until the clock struck 11:42 AM, which is a new world record around these parts.
5. I answered all 465,986 of five-year-old Olivia’s questions today without losing my patience, yet in all honesty was dangling off the ledge by question number 32 about why the cat’s butthole is always showing because her tail sticks straight up.
6.Though begrudgingly, while riding in the car, I gave into the kids’ pleas to turn off my all time favorite Jay Z song so they could listen to Demi Lovato whine about having a heart attack on the other radio station.
7. Rather than blow a gasket and pull a Mommie Dearest over it, I chose to take a deep breath, count to ten and remind myself that all it takes is one good scrubbing in the tub to get rid of all the mud the kids manged to get on every square inch of their bodies while playing “mud pie restaurant” in the backyard.
8. I played not one, not two, but seven rounds of Chutes and Ladders. In a row. There is no other board game I loathe
more than Chutes and Ladders. And none that lasts longer.
9. I let both kids stay up fifteen minutes past their bedtime just because they were so freaking cute snuggling up against me as I read them bedtime stories that I couldn’t bear to let the moment go so fast.
10. Although I can think of and am giving it my all not to obsess over the at least fifty things I did today that make me feel like I was a bad mom, I created this list to remind myself that even though everyday may not be good, there’s something good in everyday. And that tomorrow’s another day. And even though it will most likely be peppered with some yelling, some patience being lost, and lots of Mommy guilt, it’s going to be a good one.

One Bad Bitch…

badbitch
Throw in some laundry getting done, the dishwasher getting unloaded, the bedsheets getting changed, dinner getting cooked, and both kids in bed without any “emergency exits” by 8:03 pm… and just like that I’m feeling like a s-u-p-e-r f#*king bad bitch today.
I am Mommy. Hear me roar. Like a boss.

The Precious Things…

precious
To My Two Precious Children,

Thank you for making me realize I have reserves of patience I never knew any human coud possibly have in order to deal with your category 5 tantrums, whining, and endless questions about why the sky is blue, where babies come from, and why it is just not ok to have half a box of Oreo’s and a side of chocolate pudding for dinner. Thank you for enlightening me that even though I can’t see straight and slur my words all day long, I can pretty much on less than an hour’s worth of sleep. Thank you for making me so insane that I don’t even miss my sanity anymore. And last, but not least, thank you for your company and poop-themed jokes each and every time my ass hits the toilet seat to take care of business.

Forever Grateful,
Your Exhausted, Impatient, Certifiably Crazy, Stinky Poop Making Mom

Things They Fail To Tell You BEFORE You Become a Parent #467:

keepcalm
You may one day receive a phone call from the school nurse to inform you that while at lunch, your child came up with the awesome idea to shove an orange seed into her ear canal and was super successful at getting it wedged so far in there, that the remainder of your day will be spent sitting at the doctor’s to have it removed and after the f#*king copay has been paid, you will become be the not-so-proud owner of a $40.00 orange seed.
And that’s one to grow on…

Dare To Dream…

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Because one day…
I WILL take a trip to the bathroom by myself, eat the olives in my salad before two grubby little hands are able to swipe them, watch a tv show not geared for the seven and under set, and update my Facebook status in peace.
Maybe not today. Probably not tomorrow.
But one day.
Because dreams really do come true…right?

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Most Annoying Children’s TV Shows…

calliou

It has rained all day today. And so in typical rainy day fashion, the tv has gotten quite a workout ’round these parts today. My brain is currently on overload as the super irritating sounds that can only be heard on super annoying children’s television shows echo through my head.
This brush with complete and utter insanity led me to dig up the following…

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Most Annoying Children’s TV Shows and Why They Suck As Much As They Do…

1. Calliou – Because if I really want to listen to a whiny kid, I can just turn the tv off and listen to my own.
2. Max and Ruby – Because while watching the bossy pants big sister tell her brother what to do I am continuously wondering where the hell are thier damn parents to put her ass in a time out?
3. Wonder Pets – Because no children’s show should teach kids it’s ok to speak like a fuzzy little duckling with a terrible speech impediment that gets around in a flying boat.
4. Dora The Explorer and/or Go Diego Go – Because there just aren’t too many things that are creepier than that way they stare at you while waiting you to answer their asinine questions, such as, Have you seen the pygmy marmoset in the jungle?
5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse – Because the sound of Mickey calling out to that Toodles contraption is enough to make my skin crawl.
6. Spongebob – Because any show that teaches my young impressionable kids to incorporate such words as diarrhea, stupid and idiot into their everyday vocabulary is an epic fail in my book.
7. The Wiggles – Because when that happy-go-lucky quartet of men begin singing a song about fruit salad being yummy, yummy I contemplate punching the tv screen.
8. Teletubbies – Because brightly colored, alien-esque looking creatures with shapes on their heads who speak in some weird, disturbing language simply scare the living shit out of me.
9. Veggie Tales – Because when vegetables begin singing songs that preach about god and loving thy neighbor I have no choice but to forcefully hit the power button the tv.
10. Barney – Because any show that stars an oversized, purple, talking dinosaur dancing around with “kids” who are clearly way too old to even be on the show deserves to be criticized, ridiculed and boycotted by parents everywhere.

Patience Reserves Are LOW!

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Dear Kids,
Alert! Alert! Mommy’s patience reserves are at an all-time low.
I repeat.
Patience reserves are dangerously low today.
Please refrain from any whining and be sure to remain at least 500 feet away all times throughout the day.
Consider this your warning.

With Love,
Mommy

Living On the Edge…

915pm
Pushing the limits tonight. It’s 9:25 pm and I am still awake.
Who’s living on the edge this Friday night?
This crazy lady right here.
That’s who.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pissed Off Mom…

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Dear Obnoxious, Super Irritating and Straight Up Ignorant Lady Who Felt It Necessary to Scream at My Kids to Stop Walking On The Edge of Her Lawn After School Today When They Were Simply Trying to Avoid Stepping Into Oncoming Traffic,

Expect us again tomorrow. Same time. Same lawn. But this time we’ll have the dog with us too. And I guarantee you that little furball WILL shit on your lawn and give you something to really bitch about. Consider yourself warned. Just saying.

Signed,
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pissed Off Mom

Top Ten Reasons I Know I’ve Got a Bun In the Oven…

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Top Ten Reasons I Know I’ve Got a Bun In the Oven…
1. My breasts and areolas have grown three sizes overnight, ache and throb like it’s their job, and are now pouring out of the top of my bra.
2. I have suddenly spotted cellulite on random parts of my body I never even knew could get cellulite on them.
3. I find myself saying a desperate prayer I don’t pee in my pants every single time I cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. I am plagued by morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness that leaves me dry heaving over the porcelain throne.
5. I am emitting gas from both ends of my body that sounds and smells so bad it rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence.
6. I can almost hear my regular jeans yelling “f#*k you!” as I force them over my expanding belly and have to finally give in to wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans.
7. I truly see no other choice but to give in to the nagging cravings for egg salad on an everything bagel, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. I discovered I am gaining weight so fast I swear I can feel myself getting fatter by the minute. This is confirmed by both the number on the scale and my five-year-old incessantly asking me why I am getting so fat.
9. I no longer have the ability to see anything past my huge belly to check if my legs are hairier than my husband’s and desperately in need of a shave.
10. I now have a complete understanding of the nightmare that is hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world. Ouch.

Hilariuos…

hilarious
Like Mother, Like Daughter…
Five-year-old Olivia was asked to choose one word that describes her best and then write it in a sentence while at school today.
This was the result.
And reason# 998,345,126 why I freaking love this kid.
Even if she can’t spell hilarious correctly.

Procrastinating Procrastination…

procrastinating

Because when the mountains of laundry, piles of dirty dishes, obnoxiously messy bedrooms, and sticky crumb-covered floors are calling my name I prioritize and do what’s REALLY important…
like wasting a minimun of a half hour carefully reading through everybody’s super interesting status updates about what they are cooking for dinner, how much they hate the weather, and all those stupid, yet oddly entertaining, images of cats with speech bubbles coming out of their little cat mouths.
True story.

The Top 10 Things I Really, Really, Really Wish Someone Had Found It In Their Heart To Tell Me BEFORE I Became a Mom:

shower

Because more days than not I stumble, fall flat on my face, and suddenly realize this whole motherhood thing ain’t no joke.
And so was born…
The Top 10 Things I Really, Really, Really Wish Someone Had Found It In Their Heart To Tell Me BEFORE I Became a Mom:

1. Take pride in and fully enjoy the fact you can sneeze, cough, and laugh without peeing in your pants because in your post-baby days that luxury will be a distant memory.
2. You will lose your patience. Sometimes you will yell. Loud. Very f#*king loud. Occasionally, you may even spit and stutter while you yell. Quite often you will find you are acting like the exact opposite of the parent you imagined you’d be.
3. You will learn how to pee, shit, shave and shower with an audience because those are the times all the “emergencies” will occur and your kid will need you the most.
4. You will quickly master the skill of navigating all stores in such a manner as to completely avoid the toy department or any department that may have toys strategically placed at your child’s eye level.
5. Make it a priority to hide the good chocolate. And the good cookies. And that pint of good ice cream. Preferably somewhere up high. Very high. And do not take it out until after you are absolutely sure the kids have fallen asleep for the night.
6. Wear a wetsuit and goggles while bathing your child. Flippers are optional. Be on guard and prepared to handle approximately three foot wave swells as your child attempts to swim, perform tricks with their bath toys and blow bubbles in the tub.
7. Master the art of dodging legos, matchbox cars, and other razor sharp toys while walking through the house. Doing so will help you in avoiding ER trips to get your foot stitched back together.
8. Practice and perfect the skill of locating a micro-sized piece of a toy on the car floor, changing the radio station and refereeing a full out brawl between your children while attempting to drive 55 mph on the highway in order to avoid being late for your Mommy and Me class.
9. You will be able to wipe butts, de-booger noses and clean up puke without gagging, dry heaving or vomiting yourself.
10. Be fully aware that motherhood is a crazy, scary and straight up exhausting ride that is not for the overly sensitive, easily traumatized or weak of heart. Know that even with all the diaper blowouts, tantrums, snotty noses, sleepless nights, back talk and whining, if given the choice, you’d never have it any other way, because this is exactly where you want to be.

~ Happy Mother’s Day ~

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Wishing all the grandmas, mommies, and aunts a happy, happy Mother’s Day filled with whatever it is that makes you smile…whether it may be lots of kick ass gifts, to sleep in past 7:00 am or to sucessfully complete a trip to the bathroom without any three foot tall intruders barging in demanding a juice box.
xoxo

Saturday Night:Mommy Style…

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Because some nights true happiness is as simple as a couple of sleeping kids, a pair of fuzzy sweatpants, a super-sized bowl of the secret stash of Haagen Dazs ice cream, and the sweet sounds of silence.
Welcome to Saturday night…Mommy style.
Holla.

The Top Ten List of Things Mommy REALLY Wants For Mother’s Day…

mothersday

The Top Ten List of Things
Mommy REALLY Wants This Mother’s Day:

1. A full-time chef who prepares three healthy meals a day, plus snacks, that my children actually eat with making overly dramatic gagging noises.
2. A maid who specializes in all phases of laundry, scrubbing toilets, washing dishes and vacuuming up obnoxious amounts of dog and cat fur.
3. A nanny, who has the ability to tame category 5 tantrums, keep my kids from whining, and able to keep my kids smiling, however she cannot be prettier, skinnier or funnier than I am.
4. An uninterrupted night of sleep void of children begging and pleading to take up residence in my bed rather than theirs at approximately 12:01, 1:48, 3:00, 3:52, 4:00, and 4:17 AM.
5. The ability to take a shit, shower and shave without 3 foot tall visitors demanding another glass of milk, another episode of Spongebob Squarepants or assistance wiping their butt or nose.
6. A privacy glass divider to be used at my discretion and as necessary to drown out any whining, moaning, complaining, or bickering while driving with the kids in the backseat of the car.
7. The ability to eat lunch without tiny grabbing hands clawing at my salad attempting to steal the croutons, bacon bits, shreds of cheese and olives for themselves.
8. Weekly kid-free trips to Target at which time I can leisurely stroll the store without having to put into action a strategic plan of attack in order to avoid the toy aisles while shopping for crap I don’t really even need but always seem to find a reason to justify buying anyway.
9. The ability to indulge in various periods of silence throughout the day to dedicate to reading and finally finishing a library book without having to owe $14.25 in overdue fines.
10. An year long supply of wine, Tylenol, chocolate, and pints of Ben And Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream to last me until next Mother’s Day.

The Joy of Dinnertime Preparation…

sandwich
Wednesday, 5:27 pm…
Olivia, 5: “Mooooomy! So, what’s for dinner tonight anyways?”
Mommy: “Um, it’s a surprise, but don’t worry I got this.”
(And it was about that time I crossed my fingers as I slowly opened the kitchen cabinet. And just like that my prayers were answered. Because nestled right between a can of corn and a box of Cocoa Krispies there it was. My saving grace. A beautiful blue box of Kraft mac and cheese. Dinner is served. Mission accomplished. Holla.)

Dear Mommy McPerfect…

facrbookmom
Dear Mommy Mc Perfect,

About all those nauseating perfect status updates about your perfect days and nights with your perfect little angel child…
You sit on a throne of lies.
Now cut that shit out.

Sincerely,
Mommy Mc Not-So Perfect and Proud

Exahusted…

exhausted
The True Story of A Night in the Life of a Super Exhausted Mommy…
8:03 pm: “Mommy, can you lay with me until I fall asleep?”
8:46 pm: “Mommy, are you sleeping? Because I’m not even sleeping yet.”
9:02 pm: “Mommy, you can’t leave my bed yet. I’m STILL up.”
11:13 pm:
1:58 am: “Wake up, Mommy because I just wanted to tell you something really important which actually is that I’m going to use the potty to make pee pee.”
2:43 am: “Mommy, I am so hungry. I really think I need a snack.”
2:48 am: “Um, ya know? Soon it will be dawn outside. Do you know what dawn means? Want me to tell you all about it?”
4:18 am: “I’M GONNA POP SOME TAGS. ONLY GOT TWENTY DOLLARS IN MY POCK-ET!”
4:21 am:
7:30 am:

Bon Appetit…

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Dear Kids,
Tonight’s menu choices shall include your choice of one of Mommy’s tried and true culinary favorites which include mac and cheese from the blue box made with lots of love, a neatly trimmed crustless pb & j sandwich, or a plate filled with that breakfast for dinner trick which never seems to get old around here.
Bon appetit, little ones. Bon appetit.

With Love,
Mommy

Hoarders vs. Kids…

hoarders
Five minutes on a good day, maybe.
My little gems have been known to turn an entire house upside down in less than three.
Sad, yet true story.

Don’t Be That Someone…

sarcasm
Because there’s always a few in every bunch…

The Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift…

poop
Dear Kids,
Forget the flowers, the cards, and that whole breakfast in bed thing. All I want for Mother’s Day is an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom. Thanks so much for you cooperation in making my Mother’s Day dreams come true.

With Love and Eternal Gratitude,
Mommy

They Listen! They Really Do Listen!

annlanders
That shocking, mind-blowing and straight up exhilarating moment at approximately 8:00 am when you realize the kids got dressed, brushed their teeth, tamed their hair, poured their own cereal and milk and tied their own shoes when it suddenly dawns on you…
Holy shit!
These kids actually do listen to me after all.
Holy. F#*king. Shit.

Parenting…

phineas
Just when you thought cutting the crusts of that pb & j sandwich before you slipped it into their lunchbox this morning won you some bonus Mommy of the Year Award points…along comes Mommy McPerfect with this creation to knock you right on your sorry ass.

The Official Top Ten List of the Worst Pregnancy Side Effects…

pregnancy

The Official Top Ten List of the Worst Pregnancy Side Effects…

1. The joy of sore, aching, throbbing boobs with silver-dollar sized areolas pouring out of your bra.
2. Sitting back helplessly while watching cellulite make a permanent home on parts of your body you didn’t know could even get cellulite on them.
3. Saying a prayer you don’t pee in your pants again every single time you cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. Morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness.
5. Endless gas from both ends of your body that sounds and smells so bad it rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence.
6. Wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans.
7. Having no choice but to give in to the cravings for Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, egg salad on an everything bagel, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. Gaining weight so fast you swear you can feel yourself getting fatter by the minute.
9. Not having the ability to see anything past your huge belly to check if your legs are hairier than your husband’s and desperately in need of a shave again.
10. Those pesky hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world. Ouch.

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of Lies I Tell My Children…

lies
Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of:
Lies I Admit I Tell My Children on a Regular Basis:
1. “I love all my children equally.”
(But, at the end of the day, whichever one of them whined the least gets an extra scoop of ice cream at dessert)
2. “Yes, I swear. There really is a Santa Claus, an Easter Bunny, and leprechauns.
(And if you truly believe a fat, white-bearded man, a supersized, basket-toting rabbit, and a troublemaking pint-sized elfish man not only come waltzing through your house once a year but also keep a watchful eye on you to make sure your behavior is in check, so be it. Like I always say, go with whatever works.)
3. “I just don’t know where those last three Double Stuff Oreo’s that were just on the counter went.
(Damn, I almost forgot how much I love Double Stuff Oreos)
4. “Our television will blow up if we try to make it show us Caillou, Dora, or The Wonder Pets.”
(Or any other show with an annoying theme song for that matter)
5. “There’s nothing more I’d like to do than buy you a pet rabbit, turtle, ferret, parakeet, snake, hamster, and a tarantula, but believe it or not, Mommy’s super allergic to them all.”
(Actually it turns out Mommy’s allergic to anything else entering this house that needs to be fed, watered or needs any other type of demand met)
6. “Ok, sure. I’ll be there in one minute.”
(Well, in reality, probably more likely at that moment I hear screaming, glass shattering, or fire burning, but eventually I’ll get there)
7. The radio in Mommy’s car just can’t play One Direction, Justin Bieber, Kesha, or that annoying “Call Me Maybe” song.
(Oh yeah, and any of those wretched Kidz Bops CD’s, Radio Disney, or any other song on the current Top 20 list)
8. “No, of course I didn’t throw away those 37 worksheets you brought home from school this past week. It totally looks like the wind blew them into the garbage can.”
(And strategically hid them beneath 8 layers of trash to camouflage them so you’d never learn the harsh truth that I don’t save every single piece of paper you bring home from school)
9. “What’s that sound? That’s the ice cream man playing his music. He does that to let us all know he ran out of ice cream. Maybe he’ll get some more really soon.”
(And of course tomorrow night, at the precise moment I am about to put dinner on the table, that bastard will roll on by our house blaring his obnoxious music in an attempt to hypnotize all the children within a fifty mile radius to beg, plead and cry for some of his ice cream treats)
10. “Every time you whine, a fairy dies.”
(And so does a little part of Mommy’s sanity. So cut that shit out already)

MOM…

momwow
MOM: housekeeper, chef, teacher, nurse, coach, chauffeur, butt wiper, monster slayer, events planner, short order cook, organizer, decorator, hair stylist, crafter, snot wiper, best friend, dishwasher, launderer, baker, counselor, tear wiper, bodyguard, story teller, therapist, fort builder, tantrum tamer, multi-tasking expert, wonder woman…and I f#*king do everything.

There’s Always Tomorrow…

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Because some days, much like today, in between the trying to make sure I do everything right, there’s a bit of yelling, some losing of my patience, and a whole lot of me reminding myself that tomorow is a new day without any mistakes in it yet.

Feeling Smart?

math
Because the fear and nausea that strike when I stumble upon such words as geometry, vertices, trapezoids, and hexagons are straight up debilitating. True story.

Top Ten List of Before I Was a Mom I Swore I’d Never…

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Mommy’s Not-So-Proud, Yet Official Top Ten List of:
Before I Was a Mom, I Swore I’d Never ______________.

1. Scream. Loud. Like really f#*king loud by the time the clock strikes 7:46 am.
2. Spit uncontrollably all over the place, including some in my child’s face, while screaming really f#*king loud at 7:46, 8:32, 8:57, 9:12, and 9:34 AM.
3. Lie right to my child’s face and say the dog got it when they ask where that last piece of the Hershey’s chocolate bar they left on the counter went.
4. Truly begin to believe sitting on a toilet behing a locked door for more than two minutes straight is the equivalent to a mini vacation in a faraway tropical island.
5. Consider my own saliva to be an acceptable and appropriate substitute to clean my child’s oreo covered face when I realize I once again ran out of wet wipes needed do the job.
6. Allow myself to indulge in five minutes more of sleep in the morning while knowing damn well it’ll cost me at least another thirty to clean up the mess the kids will undoubtedly make in every other room in the house.
7. Always have to sift through mountainfuls of crushed goldfish crackers, six or more half eaten lollipops, and a whole box of broken crayons to find a freaking penny when standing at the checkout counter.
8. Use phrases I promised myself I’d never use which include, but are not limited to, “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”, “Why must I repeat myself like a broken record?”, and “I hope you have a daughter just like you someday!”
9. Count the minutes until bedtime rolls around because I can hardly wait for the joy that is silence, the freedom to switch the tv channel from Nick Jr. to Fox, and to dive into a super-sized bowl of the secretly hidden ice cream.
10. Lay my exhausted body down in my bed each night and think to myself “How the hell did I make it throught his day in once piece” while simultaneously realizing I can’t wait to hop back on the crazy train again tomorrow.

Motherhood…

lifeordeath
making women stronger and bringing them closer to absolute insanity than they ever thought was f#*king possible…one temper tantrum at a time.

The Countdown…

maragritas
Because it’s T-minus nine hours, 32 minutes, and seven seconds til the babysitter arrives for the rare and highly coveted Saturday night out sans kids, but I mean, who’s counting, right?
This gal right here, that’s who.
Nine hours, 31 minutes, and 56 seconds….

Clueless…

easy
Especially when I have no f#*king clue what I’m doing.
Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

A Mother’s Work Is Just Never F#*king Done…

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Because it simply wasn’t enough that I have officially mastered the Mommy skill of making sure my daughter is fully dressed, hair brushed, and accessorized in time for school to begin…so now it appears I also have to worry about whether or not her damn doll is presentable and ready to start her day as well.

Mini Me…

minime
Unless she’s whining, talking back, or having one of her signature category 5 temper tantrums.
Then, she’s all Daddy.
True story.

My Very Own Army…

army
The sad, often entertaning, slightly ridiculous and completely 100% true story of my life.
A great big thank you to this e-card for the morning laugh that helped ease the burn of day #11 of school vacation.
I think I can. I think I can…

Mission Accomplished x 3…

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Because today alone I faced and conquered some of my most deeply-rooted motherhood fears which include, but are not limited to, fully brushing five-year-old Olivia’s bedhead rat’s nest head of hair while she let out her signature cat-being-skinned-like shrieks right into my left ear, attempted a solo and successful visit to the bathroom to shit, shower, and shave, and last but not least, lived to tell the tale of a field trip to Target with a shopping list of more than five items in my hand and both the kids right behind me incessantly begging for “just a quick peek at the toy aisles” from the moment we walked through the doors until the moment we exited the store.
Motherhood.
All you have to fear is fear itself.
Or maybe those pesky tantrums, messy diaper blowouts or that endless checklist of excuses why they simply can’t go to bed on time, yet again.
Because, let’s admit it, those things are straight up terrifying, eh?

Funny Shit My Kid Said #967,058:

Mommy: “So Camryn. Now that you’re seven, do you REALLY believe that a huge bunny hopped through our house and left you that basket filled with candy on Easter this year?”
Camryn, 7: “Oh, of course not, Mommy.”
Mommy: “Ok, good. Glad we got that straightened out.”
Camryn, 7: “I mean come on, Mommy. Of course it wasn’t the Easter Bunny this year. There’s not a bunny track to be found in this house!”
Mommy: “Ah, let’s hold off on that whole Santa thing I wanted to discuss with you for another time, eh?”

True, Not-So-Proud, Mommy Confession of the Day #67,890:

easter
True, Not-So-Proud, Mommy Confession of the Day #67,890:
On certain holidays that include giving the children gifts of candy, I rationalize making the kids share with me because I totally earned it by busting my ass playing the role of a fat, jolly, old man named Santa, a crazed, gold-digging leprechaun, and a human-sized, hopping bunny. Ain’t no shame in my game.

Same Shit. Different Friday…

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Feed the kids.
Bathe the kids.
Read to the kids.
Put the kids to bed.
And that’s about when Mommy’s crazy wild Friday night chockful of sweatpants, gorging on a supersized bowl of the good ice cream with a side of those special hidden cookies, and falling asleep on the couch approximately seventeen minutes into watching last week’s DVR’d episode of The Office began.
Happy Friday Mommies.
Happy. Friday.

Keep Calm, Think Happy Thoughts, and Mommy On…

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And nevermind that bagel that fell cream cheese side down on the seat of your car, or those scribbles of peace signs, cats, and lopsided hearts I drew all over that really important letter you accidentally left out on the kitchen counter, or that cup of sour milk you had the pleasure of stumbling upon that I forgot I hid under my bed sometime last week, or that I used your brand new super expensive lipstick to paint a detailed self-portrait on the bathroom mirror, or that I ate the very last brownie even though I knew you had your heart set on it for dessert since noon today, or that I hijacked your cell phone to play games and somehow erased emails, sent out numerous texts filled with jibberish, and may or may not have placed a call to China once or quite possibly even twice…

Funny Shit My Kid Said #998,456:

Camryn, 7: “Hey Mommy. You’re never going to believe this but my cousin Matthew is totally famous. I mean, his name is in this big chapter book I just found in the hotel drawer like a million, billion times! Check it out!”

Mommy Epiphany #45,678:

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Because at that very moment, right about ten minutes after your kid should have already been asleep in bed for the night.
When you discover them walking down the hallway with a cup of water in their hand.
And you suddenly feel like you are about to go all Mommie Dearest on them for trying your patience like no other person on this earth has the ability to do.
Because, damn it! You made it a point to put a cup of water in their room to avoid this very bedroom exit “emergency” before tucking them in.
But then upon noticing your evil Mommie stare the kid looks you right in the eye and confidently, calmly, and with great pride declares, “Mommy. Don’t worry. This cup’s for the plant in my room because even though we gave him water for breakfast this morning we actually forgot to give him dinner, so that’s what I’m doing now.”
And just like that I actually stopped to give thanks for tonight’s bedroom exit “emergency,” because without it, that poor plant may have starved and I never would’ve ended my day laughing so hard I snorted.
Well played, child. Well played.

Toof Fairy…

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Olivia, 5: “Mommy! Wook at dis! My toof is about to fwall out!”

Because every single time these kids loose a tooth I swear to myself that this will be the time I finally make it a point to remember to stash away a few bucks so I always have them handy to shove under their pillow after bedtime.
This will be tooth #8.
I never learn.

Wanted: A Mommy Breather

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Or make a trip to the bathroom, take a bite of food, log on to the computer, sit in a chair or attempt anything else that is not directly related to me entertaining the children, answering their countless random questions, or fulfilling their never ending demands for juiceboxes, cheesesticks and various other “emergencies” that seem to pop up every single time I feel the need for a Mommy breather.
True story.
Without fail.
Every. F#*king. Time.
Holla if ya hear me.

Shit’s About To Get Real Up In Here…

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Dear Daughter O’ Mine,

Listen. And Listen closely. One more “whatever,” “I don’t care,” and/or “it’s not fair” from you today and I can guarantee you shit’s going to get real up in here. I’m talking hand over the video games, forget about television and you can be sure as hell there will be no computer for a week kinda real. Consider yourself warned and proceed with caution.

With Love,
Mommy
aka: The Boss

PS: That whining shit’s gotta stop too. Just saying.

I Need To Remember…

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I Need To Remember…
Because instead of worrying about peas left behind on the dinner plate, messy bedrooms, and dirty clothes scattered across the floor…
I need to remember she sung out the words, “Mommy, I love you!” upon greeting me first this morning.
I need to remember the love notes I sometimes stumble upon that she hides under my blanket to remind me she thinks I am the “best Mommy ever.”
I need to remember how she plops herself right on my lap, rests her head on my shoulder, and plays with my hair as we read bedtime stories before betime.
I need to remember when she tells me I am pretty as I wipe the morning crust from my eyes and adjust my wrinkled sweatpants.
I need to remember how she laughs at every single one of my jokes and then uses them on others to give someone else a smile.
I need to remember how she beams with pride and calls out “Everyone! Look! That’s my Momma!” as I step foot into her classroom to read a book to her class.
I need to remember the beautiful drawings of our family that she brings home from school that always have us all smiling and surrounded with hearts.
I need to remember.

Mommy’s Official List of Top Ten Mispronunciations My Kids Make…

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Mommy’s Official List of Top Ten Mispronunciations My Kids Make
(and I refuse to correct because they make me laugh so hard I almost pee in my pants)…
1. Justice Beaver.
As in the sentence, “O-M-G! Is this Justice Beaver on the radio?!”
2. Dapossedta.
As in the sentence, “My mom said I’m not dapossedta swing the cat around by his front legs.”
3. Pagina.
As in the sentence, “Did you know girls have a pagina and boys have a stick thingy with circle thingys under it?”
4. Piami.
As in the sentence, “When can we take a trip to Florida and visit Piami again?”
5. Hampstamps.
As in the sentence, “Mommy! Mommy! I learned how to do hampstamps in gymnastics class today!”
6. Whit Cream.
As in the sentence, “May I please have some of that yummy whit cream stuff on my ice cream sundae?”
7. Shampooty.
As in the sentence, “Mmmm. This new shampooty you’re using to wash my hair smells so good.”
8. Sombrello.
As in the sentence, “If we go out to eat and get Mexican food, could I wear a sombrella?”
9. Pasghetti.
As in the sentence, “Can I have some meatballs with my pasghetti?”
10. Ocean.
As in the sentence, “I love all the colors of the rainbow. I like red, yellow, blue, green, purple, and ocean.”

Mom! Momma! Mummy! Ma!

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Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma…

Can you get me a drink?
Do we have any chocolate milk?
Is it the chocolate milk with the bunny on the bottle?
I need a snack.
Is the Easter Bunny watching me? Like right now?
Can I have ice cream for dinner?
Why can’t I have ice cream for dinner?
How about ice cream for breakfast?
When can we take a vacation to L.A.?
What is L.A. anyway?
Can Santa Claus see inside my throat?
I really need a snack, again. This time I want a cheesestick.
I’m thirsty. Where are the juiceboxes?
What does S-H-I-T spell? I heard you spell that word before.
Why are you closing your eyes and pretending to not hear me?
Mommy?
Mommy?
Mom?
M-O-M?
Are you listening to me?
MOMMY!!!

Mommy’s Dreams Are Dying…

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Camryn, 7: “Hey, Mom. I swear. Kesha has like the BEST singing voice ever. Like ever in the whole world.”

Dear Mrs. Super Organized Mom…

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I stumbled upon this gem while walking through the library today.
Maybe it was the nice, bright colors that caught my eye. Or, perhaps it was the fact that without even picking it up and taking a look inside I could guess what the author’s “secrets” were.
Because without a doubt, chapter 1 has just got to be titled, “Don’t have kids. Ever.”
And chapter 2 is no doubt called, “If you did by chance already have kids and ever want to see any sort of organization in your house again, put them outside of the house and don’t ever let them back in.”
So, Mrs. Super Organized, Color-Coded To-Do Lists Writing, Secret Keeping, Author Mom.
I’m sorry to say, but your secrets are out.

Sincerely,
One Hell of an Unorganized Mommy

Exhausted…

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You know you’re a completely and utterly exhausted mom when…
without a second thought, you’d gladly pass up the opportunity for sex, chocolate, and/or a nice big glass of wine for the opportunity to indulge in a heavenly fifteen minute nap.

Your turn.
You know you’re a completely and utterly exhausted mom when _________________________________________.