The Top Ten List of Things
Mommy REALLY Wants This Mother’s Day:
1. A full-time chef who prepares three healthy meals a day, plus snacks, that my children actually eat with making overly dramatic gagging noises.
2. A maid who specializes in all phases of laundry, scrubbing toilets, washing dishes and vacuuming up obnoxious amounts of dog and cat fur.
3. A nanny, who has the ability to tame category 5 tantrums, keep my kids from whining, and able to keep my kids smiling, however she cannot be prettier, skinnier or funnier than I am.
4. An uninterrupted night of sleep void of children begging and pleading to take up residence in my bed rather than theirs at approximately 12:01, 1:48, 3:00, 3:52, 4:00, and 4:17 AM.
5. The ability to take a shit, shower and shave without 3 foot tall visitors demanding another glass of milk, another episode of Spongebob Squarepants or assistance wiping their butt or nose.
6. A privacy glass divider to be used at my discretion and as necessary to drown out any whining, moaning, complaining, or bickering while driving with the kids in the backseat of the car.
7. The ability to eat lunch without tiny grabbing hands clawing at my salad attempting to steal the croutons, bacon bits, shreds of cheese and olives for themselves.
8. Weekly kid-free trips to Target at which time I can leisurely stroll the store without having to put into action a strategic plan of attack in order to avoid the toy aisles while shopping for crap I don’t really even need but always seem to find a reason to justify buying anyway.
9. The ability to indulge in various periods of silence throughout the day to dedicate to reading and finally finishing a library book without having to owe $14.25 in overdue fines.
10. An year long supply of wine, Tylenol, chocolate, and pints of Ben And Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream to last me until next Mother’s Day.