Top Ten List of Before I Was a Mom I Swore I’d Never…

Mommy’s Not-So-Proud, Yet Official Top Ten List of:
Before I Was a Mom, I Swore I’d Never ______________.

1. Scream. Loud. Like really f#*king loud by the time the clock strikes 7:46 am.
2. Spit uncontrollably all over the place, including some in my child’s face, while screaming really f#*king loud at 7:46, 8:32, 8:57, 9:12, and 9:34 AM.
3. Lie right to my child’s face and say the dog got it when they ask where that last piece of the Hershey’s chocolate bar they left on the counter went.
4. Truly begin to believe sitting on a toilet behing a locked door for more than two minutes straight is the equivalent to a mini vacation in a faraway tropical island.
5. Consider my own saliva to be an acceptable and appropriate substitute to clean my child’s oreo covered face when I realize I once again ran out of wet wipes needed do the job.
6. Allow myself to indulge in five minutes more of sleep in the morning while knowing damn well it’ll cost me at least another thirty to clean up the mess the kids will undoubtedly make in every other room in the house.
7. Always have to sift through mountainfuls of crushed goldfish crackers, six or more half eaten lollipops, and a whole box of broken crayons to find a freaking penny when standing at the checkout counter.
8. Use phrases I promised myself I’d never use which include, but are not limited to, “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”, “Why must I repeat myself like a broken record?”, and “I hope you have a daughter just like you someday!”
9. Count the minutes until bedtime rolls around because I can hardly wait for the joy that is silence, the freedom to switch the tv channel from Nick Jr. to Fox, and to dive into a super-sized bowl of the secretly hidden ice cream.
10. Lay my exhausted body down in my bed each night and think to myself “How the hell did I make it throught his day in once piece” while simultaneously realizing I can’t wait to hop back on the crazy train again tomorrow.


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