Top Ten Reasons I Know I’ve Got a Bun In the Oven…

feellikecrap

Top Ten Reasons I Know I’ve Got a Bun In the Oven…
1. My breasts and areolas have grown three sizes overnight, ache and throb like it’s their job, and are now pouring out of the top of my bra.
2. I have suddenly spotted cellulite on random parts of my body I never even knew could get cellulite on them.
3. I find myself saying a desperate prayer I don’t pee in my pants every single time I cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. I am plagued by morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness that leaves me dry heaving over the porcelain throne.
5. I am emitting gas from both ends of my body that sounds and smells so bad it rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence.
6. I can almost hear my regular jeans yelling “f#*k you!” as I force them over my expanding belly and have to finally give in to wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans.
7. I truly see no other choice but to give in to the nagging cravings for egg salad on an everything bagel, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. I discovered I am gaining weight so fast I swear I can feel myself getting fatter by the minute. This is confirmed by both the number on the scale and my five-year-old incessantly asking me why I am getting so fat.
9. I no longer have the ability to see anything past my huge belly to check if my legs are hairier than my husband’s and desperately in need of a shave.
10. I now have a complete understanding of the nightmare that is hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world. Ouch.

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