Monthly Archives: September 2013

Mommy’s Official Top 10 List of Things I Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days…

piss
Mommy’s Official Top 10 List of…
Things I Really Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:
1. Going to the bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.
2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese, olives or any other of my favorite ingredients.
3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:12 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”
4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to strategically lower the volume at each swear word.
5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that damn muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.
6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait an extra thirty-seven minutes for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker, a plastic tambourine, and thirteen Pokeman cards for the ten minute car ride to the store.
7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and/or fend off beggars with my spoon or bare hands.
8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s right before checkout time.
9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in highly embarrassing library overdue fines.
10. And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my f#*king pants.

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I’m An Addict…

candycrush
Hello.
My name is Mommy and I’m a Candy Crush addict…

We’ll See, But Count On Hell’s No…

fuckno
Camryn, 7: “Hey Mom, you know where we haven’t been in a really long time?”
Mommy: “Where’s that, Cam?”
Camryn, 7: “Chuck E. Cheese.”
Mommy:
Camryn, 7: “So what do you say? Can we go tomorrow?”
Mommy: “We’ll see.”
“Which actually translates to… f#*k no! Because there’s no f#*king way in hell I’m stepping foot into that no good dirty rodent Chuck’s germ factory today, tomorrow, or ever again. Oh, and Mommy loves you.”

Olivia Gace, er Grace…

hiliarious

Mommy’s Epiphany of the Day #45,678:
While sifting through the 1,567+ worksheets, coloring pages, and school notices in Olivia’s folder this afternoon, I stumbled upon this gem. And while I find it rather impressive that my five-year-old knows of and can properly spell the word inquisitive, I also find it rather entertaining that she has yet to master that there’s an “r” in her middle name.
Damn, I love this kid.
Even if she can’t spell Grace.

21+ Questions…

21questions

*The following is just a small…very, very, very small, sampling of the plethora of questions posed to me by five-year-old Olivia at some point during the day today. Apparently, I am not only a Mommy, but also a f#*king encyclopedia of information on everything and anything….including Justin Beaver.

“Mommy…
Why is Daddy so hairy?
Will I be hairy when I grow up too?
Um, how come sometimes when I push really hard to make a fart poopy slips out into my underwear?
Can I just have one more Oreo even though that will make it seven all together in my belly?
I know you said go to bed like an hour ago, but is it okay if I just ask you one last really, super important question about that new Justin Beaver song first?
Mommy, why aren’t you answering me…..?
Mommy, are you listening?
Mom, mommy, ma, mama, mum, mummy, mom!?”

Momcation

momcation

What’s your idea of a kickass momcation?

Some other examples of a momcation include, but are not limited to the following…
1. eating a salad without little hands swiping the bacon bits before you have a chance to indulge in the tasty morsels of goodness
2. completing a telephone call from start to finish without having to repeatedly apologize to the caller for the obnoxiously loud, whining children tugging on your leg in the background
3. Enjoying the sweet, sweet sounds of silence and the absence of hearing the word “mommy” for more than three minutes straight

It’s a Boy!

peeingboy
Top Ten Reasons I am Secretly Panicking About Giving Birth To A Baby Boy…
1. He has a weiner.
2. I don’t even know where the hell the boy section is in Target.
3. I have compiled a list of twenty-seven girl names I love. I don’t even have a list of boy names but if I did it would have zero names on it.
4. He has a weiner.
5. I know all there is to know about princesses, Justin Beiber, fairies, and have finally mastered the art of recreating the latest braid hairstyles. I know nothing about and have absolutely no interest in learning about Thomas the Train, Star Wars, G.I. Joe and bugs.
6. I have an attic filled with bins that are overstuffed with baby clothes. Every single item of clothing and matching accessory is some shade of pink and/or purple and most likely has glitter on it.
7. I’m already having nightmares and cold sweats about the whole being attacked by streams of piss during diaper changes thing I’ve been hearing so much about amongst other mommies of boys.
8. He has a weiner.
9. Boy clothes only seem to come in navy blue, baby blue, red, or black and rarely come with adorable, fun accessories such as shimmery headbands, flower hair clips, and sparkly shoes. BORING.
10. W-E-I-N-E-R.

When Kids Scream…Like Raving Lunatics Over Nothing At All…

screaming
Mommy: (running, at full speed, towards the children’s shrieks while experiencing the beginnings of a full blown panic attack) “Oh my god! What happened? What’s the matter? Who’s hurt? Why are you screaming like a raving lunatic loud enough for people four towns over to hear you?”
Camryn, 7: “Well Mom, it’s really, really bad this time. Olivia won’t give me a turn on the swing.”

Friday Night…Mommy Style.

7pm
Woo hoo! It’s Friday night up in here!
Which means one thing and one thing only.
Absolutely nothing.
Because I am a parent.
So, bring on the pizza, the beer, the old DVR’d episodes of bad reality tv and falling asleep on the couch by 9:12 pm.
This is the living on the edge.
This is Friday night, ya’ll…
Mommy style.

The Real Status Update…

ststuaupdates
What Their Facebook Status Says:
“What a wonderful day my perfect little angels and I had today. We all awoke super early so we could get out and enjoy a perfect day filled with rainbows, sunshine, butterflies, and unicorns. We had so much fun prancing through a field of perfect daisies, discussing such thought-provoking topics such as why the sky is blue and how come puppies are so cute. At bedtime, we leisurely chatted about how absolutely fabulous and perfect our day will be again tomorrow in the land of make believe.”

What Their Facebook Status Really Means:
“I woke up to two children screaming at each other like rabid animals over which tv show to watch at 5:58 am. Again. I spent the rest of the day refereeing thier constant battles, cleaning up after their messes, doing their laundry, taming their countless meltdowns and tantrums, answering all of their 457,339 questions about such topics as, why they are not allowed to eat chocolate cake for breakfast everyday, why Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up, and why girls have a pagina but boys have that stick thingy with those two round things under it. When my prayers were answered and bedtime finally rolled around, I was too damn tired to discuss what tomorrow will bring for us, but all signs point to an instant replay of today’s bullshit because that’s how us not-so-perfect moms roll in the land of motherhood.”