I desperately want a day free of having to endure listening to you whine, talk back and question each and everything I say. You want the wifi password. Do your part and I’ll do mine. Any questions?
Wishing all the Dads, Grandpas, and Uncles a happy, happy Father’s Day filled with whatever it is that makes you smile…
Twenty Things A Father Should Tell His Daughter…
1) Pay attention to the way a man loves his mother. That is the way he will love you.
2) You can do anything a man can do, including organic chemistry, unclogging toilets and assembling IKEA furniture.
3) Older women wear makeup so THEY can look like YOU. Less is more. A lot less is a lot more.
4) People will judge you by the way you look. It isn’t fair, but it’s the way the world works. Keep that in mind as you pick your outfit in the morning.
5) Never let anyone do your thinking for you. There are far too many people with far too much invested in you believing what they believe.
6) Liberal arts grow your mind. Science and business keep you fed. You will need both.
7) Nothing is more attractive than intelligence.
8) Learn to drive a stick-shift.
9) Get comfortable with power tools.
10) You don’t have to enjoy them, but have a working knowledge of the rules for football and baseball.
11) Know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, and the key players in both.
12) You don’t have to *DO* anything for someone to love you. The right person will cross a desert just for the chance to sit next to you at lunch.
13) Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you’ll never have to “fit in”. People will come to you.
14) The fastest way to strain a relationship with a man is to bring up old drama. We can’t remember to hang up the bath towel. What makes you think we remember that stupid thing we did 6 months ago?
15) If a man genuinely loves you, he will let you set the boundaries. Don’t let anyone take something from you they can’t give back. You set the tone for the sexual relationship.
16) Feminie hygiene products — Where our daughters are concerned, we would be very happy sticking our fingers in our ears and saying “lalalalalalalala”. Please respect our need to pretend they, and the reason for them, do not exist. The same goes for lacy underthings.
17) You were flawless the day you were born. If you must go get that first tattoo, please consider inviting your daddy to come and get his first tattoo with you.
18) You are perfect the way you roll out of bed. Let’s be clear: all that crap you do to “get out the door” is for everyone else’s benefit.
19) Though he may be smiling on the outside, when you leave for college your father is falling apart on the inside. Don’t forget to call him that first night to tell him you love him.
20) Compare every single boy you ever meet to your daddy. Nobody will love you like he does.
Ever have one those days when you repeatedly lose your patience, scream so loud it would make Mommie Dearest shudder with fear, and then head off to bed overwhelmed with Mommy guilt while swearing up and down tomorrow you will do a better job?
Yeah, me too.
But then sometimes, out of nowhere, a little something happens to make you stop, take a deep breath and realize that maybe you aren’t really doing such a shitty job after all…
1. Angus (as in beef as well as some male character on some random Nickelodeon show they are obsessed with this week)
2. Ash (as in some weird looking guy from that super weird and extremely disturbing Pokeman cartoon)
3. Kipper (as in so they can say his name with a thick British accent like they do in that cartoon about a dog named Kipper)
4. Trevor (as in because they have a friend who has a baby brother who is “cute and doesn’t cry a lot” who is named this)
5. Chuck (as in a tribute to their favorite Peanuts character, Charlie Brown)
6. Sacagawea (as in the Native American they recently learned about in school and can’t get enough of hearing themselves say it over and over and over again)
7. Oshawott (as in another freaky looking Pokemon character with another freaky name who speaks in tongues)
8. Chocolate Chip Cookie (as in because “everyone loves chocolate chip cookies, right?”)
9. Timmy Turner (as in the irritating, buck-toothed main character on that annoying show, The Fairly Odd Parents)
10. Shutup (as in “so when the teacher asks him what his name is he gets to tell her to shutup”)
*Any and all ideas for baby boy names, except any of the ones listed, are welcomed and encouraged. Go. Please and thank you.