What To Really F#*king Expect…

Finally. It’s here. The book that reveals all those harsh truths they fail to tell you BEFORE you decide to get pregnant. Presenting…
What to Really F#*king Expect When You Are Expecting.

1. Expect your breasts and areolas will grow three sizes overnight, ache and throb like it’s their job, and will soon end up pouring out of the top of your bra.
2. Expect you will suddenly spot cellulite on random parts ofyour body that you never even knew could get cellulite on them.
3. Expect you will find yourself saying a desperate prayer that you don’t pee in your pants every single time you have to cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. Expect you will be plagued by morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness that leaves you dry heaving over the porcelain throne.
5. Expect you will emit gas from both ends of your body that sound and smell so bad it shall rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence after he has ingested a super sized bowl of beans.
6. Expect you will be able to almost hear the sound of your regular jeans yelling “f#*k you!” as you force them over your expanding belly and have to finally give in to wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans that scream unsexy.
7. Expect you will see no other choice but to give in to the nagging cravings for egg salad on an everything bagel, sauerkraut, mustard, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. Expect you will discover you are gaining weight so fast that you swear you can feel yourself getting fatter by the minute. This is confirmed by both the number on the scale and your five-year-old child incessantly asking you why you are getting so fat.
9. Expect you will no longer have the ability to see anything past your huge belly to perform that much needed weekly check to see if your legs are hairier than your husband’s and desperately in need of a shave.
10. Expect you will now have a complete understanding of the nightmare that is hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world.