Monthly Archives: June 2012

Welcome to Mom’s Diner. May I Take Your Order?

Because of the super lightning speed pace at which I have learned to prepare and serve the neverending wave of culinary demands in my house I have made the decision that I’d like to come back a…s a short order cook in my next life. My menu shall include cocoa puffs, macaroni and cheese from the blue box and in shapes of the characters from Madagascar, dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with enough ketchup to last for three whole days worth of meals, grilled cheese with the yellow cheese only, smiley face shaped french fries and vanilla ice cream dixie cups. Weekly specials will include, but are not limited to, non-chunky peanut butter and grape jelly with the crusts cut off and ABC shaped Spaghetti-o’s with mini-meatballs. Thanks for visiting Mom’s Diner. Come again soon, but not too soon.
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Mommy’s $1,000,000,002 Question of the Day…

Olivia, 4: “Um, Mommy. Can you please haves another baby? I’ll even gives you a million dollars if you do it.”

Mommy: “Nope. Not happening. Ever. Not even for one hundred million dollars.”

Olivia, 4: (pouting)

Camryn, 6: (looking hopeful) “Ok. Well, what if I gave you eight quarters? You’d want to do it then, right?”

Sucking Up Squinkies…

That rare moment when you are actually vacuuming the house and you stumble upon a long lost Squinkie toy under the couch and instead of picking it up and returning it to its’ rightful six-year-old owner, your lazy ass sucks it up into the deep depths of the vacuum, and pray your child has completely erased the little plastic nugget from thier mind forever so you never get caught. Yep. That was my shameful moment for the day…thus far.

tired /tī(ə)rd adj.: Exhausted of strength or energy; fatigued…

There was a time when I would sometimes get stressed out over and overwhelmed by trying to entertain and keep my two children happy and smiling…but that was before today. Be…cause after being thrown into the role of summer camp group leader for twenty-two unruly three and four year olds today, I shall never, ever, ever, ever, lose sight of my newfound appreciation for managing my own two children on even their most challenging, whine-filled, tantrum packed, high-maintenance days. T-minus twelve hours until the next wave of my summer camp group leadership begins. I already want to take a nap tomorrow and it hasn’t even arrived yet. Pray for me…

Thankful…

Taking an early morning moment to give thanks for my somebodies…♥ ♥♥

 

Dessert is Served…

Especially if that dessert includes peanut butter, chocolate in any form, ice cream or a combination of all of the above…

Looks Like It’s Time To Dust Off My Card…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom? Ya know what I just realized?”
Mommy: “What’s that, Cam?”
Camryn, 6: I haven’t been sick in a really, really long time.”
Mommy: “And you know what I just realized?” Camryn, 6: “What, mama?” Mommy: “You just totally jinxed us and I’ll be forking over a copay to the pediatrician by mid-week. Thanks a million little lady.”
Frequent Visitor Rewards:
After 1 visit: A free second sticker and/or Dum Dum lollipop
After 2 visits: A free bottle of grape or cherry flavored children’s Tylenol
After 3 visits: A free box of swabs to perform strep throat cultures at home
After 4 visits: A free ear or temporal scanner thermometer
After 5 visits: A “no wait” card to bypass others when the waiting room is full
After 6 visits: Free, 24-hour access to the pediatrician’s personal cell phone
After 7 visits: A free prescription pad, since due to your last six visits to the office during the past two weeks, you are now fully capable of diagnosing, prescribing for and medicating your child accordingly without the help of a trained pediatrician.

Because Mommy Loves You…

You got that kids? So, remember, when Mommy nags you to clean those pigsty-eqsue rooms of yoursshe has your best interests in mind. And when she does random under-the-bed spot checks to make sure you didn’t just shove all your toys and dirty clothes under there…it means she REALLY loves you.

Date Night…

Not that I’m counting, but in exactly one hour and twenty-eight minutes the babysitter will arrive. My husband and I will scurry out of the front door like two kids on their way to Disney World and just like that…it’s date night in full effect ya’ll. And a happy Saturday night to you too. May your wine glasses be full at all times, your kids actually go to bed the first time you send them there and may they give you the grand prize of sleeping past 6:00 AM tomorrow morning…

I Blame the Devil Himself…

There is no doubt in my mind that the devil himself is responsible for the those machines that are chockful of stale crusty candy, useless, lead-filled, scary looking plastic toys and choking hazard sized boucy balls located at the exit of …every single supermarket and always right in my children’s line of sight…
Camryn, 6: “Mommy, can you just empty your pocketbook. You’ve just got to have a quarter in there SOMEWHERE!”
Mommy: (keeps walking and exits supermarket)

The Sunblock Tank…

It’s summer, which to this Mommy signals the need to add a minimum of fifteen minutes to the morning routine in order to make time for the task of applying sunscreen to the kids before they walk outside each day.
So, there’s stick form, cream form, spray form, lotion form, but in reality, no matter what the form…all are a big fat pain in the ass to put on your squirmy child before going out into… the sun everyday.
However, I think that after all these years of sunblock torture, I have stumbled upon a possible solution…a sunblock tank. Simply dip the child in, set down to dry for a minute or two and BAM…instant sun protection.
All I need now is 7,043 gallons of sunscreen, an oversized fish tank and a financial backer…who’s in?

Hot Cross Hell…

If there’s a hell, I am certain the soundtrack playing on a constant loop in the background is four-year-old Olivia playing her rendition of “Hot Cross Buns” on a recorder.

And I hope that one day her preschool music teacher is forced to pay a lengthy visit to the fiery depths as punishment for thinking that sending the recorder home was a splendid idea.

 

What the F#*k Was I Thinking Moment of the Day:

“Yes. Olivia would love to attend Thomas’ birthday party.” (at 6:00 pm on a Thursday night in a sweaty germ-filled bounce house place where she will gorge herself little self on a huge slice of birthday cake slatered in hyper-behavior inducing icing at at the time she should normally be heading to bed and then be handed a big goodie bag chockful of even more sugar laden treats an hour past her missed bedtime)

Don’t be jealous of the night I have in store…but be very jealous that I just took one big leap up the Mommy of the Year 2012 ladder with this move…

Lunch With the Beaver…

Mommy: (walks into kitchen and spots Olivia) “Olivia, I really need you to finish your lunch now. We have to leave to get your sister at school soon.”

Olivia, 4: “Well. Um, ya know…Justin Beaver is in here and I really needs to finish looking at these pictures of him first. Then I cans eat.”

Mommy: (speechless, while deciding whether to laugh, cry or rip the magazine to shreds)

Mommy’s Deep Thought of the Day:

It’s ok if you don’t know everything. However, it’s not okay to act like you do. And that’s one to grow on. The end.

Dessert. It’s what’s for dinner…

Camryn, 6: “Uh, I am so full I can’t eat another bite of my dinner!”

Mommy: “Ok.” Camryn, 6: (peers into freezer) “So, ah what kinda ice pops do you have for dessert tonight?”

Mommy: “I thought you were full.”

Camryn, 6: “I am. For dinner. But I always leave room for dessert.” (rips open a watermelon ice pop)

 

Mommy’s Deep Thought of the Day:

It’s ok if you don’t know everything.

However, it’s not okay to act like you do.

And that’s one to grow on.

The end.

Everybody Meow Now…

What’s more annoying than having to listen to that 90’s hit “Everybody Dance Now” from that not-so-really talented music group C + C Music Factory? Being forced to listen to your children’s remix of it which substitues all the lyrics with super loud, high-pitched meows at 7:45 in the morning.

<formulates a plan to get to the nearest emergecy exit stat>

The Anti-Princess…

Fact #1: My six-year-old daughter does not enjoy toys, dress-up clothes, dolls or anything else associated with princesses.
 Fact #2: The ignorant woman who volunteered to help out at her Girl Scouts meeting and found it necessary to report to the six-year-old’s Mommmy that she considers the above fact to be “strange” deserves a swift smack in the face with a Cinderella doll to knock some sense into her ignorant head.
<end emotionally charged Mommy rant>

Attention Shoppers! We Have a Full Blown Tantrum in Aisle 7…

What is said by Mommy: “Come on, Olivia. Let’s go. I have to go get a few things at the store.”
What is heard by child: “Come on, Olivia. Let’s go. We have to go to the store so you can whine, beg and scream until Mommy reaches her breaking point, throws up her white flag and agrees to purchase that new overpriced toy for you so she can have five minutes of peace and quiet to actually get the things she really needs on her shopping list.”

Mommy’s Nightly Promise…

Every night as I lay my head upon my pillow and make that same old mommy promise that tomorrow will be the day…
that no matter the circumstances, what messes are made, what back-talk is given, which pet is tortured while being dressed up… in doll clothes, what homemade meal is deemed “disgusting,” which child (and their brand new outfit) is covered from head to toe in non-washable marker, which child gets bored at school and unevenly cuts their hair, which child instigates a full out brawl with the other over the very last twirly cheese stick in the refrigerator or which child requests me to escort them to the bathroom at 3 am… I shall not yell tomorrow.
And then 7:00 am rolls around and it all goes to shit within seconds at one child’s adamant refusal to wear something other than her chocolate milk stained pajamas and too-tight fuzzy Hello Kitty slippers to school. If at first you don’t succeed…try, try again.
There’s always tomorrow….or the day after that.

An Open Letter to a Where’s the F#*king Mommy Manual? Fan,

Dear Fan,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because after having one of those days that kicks your ass and leaves you begging for it to finally end so you can jump into your bed and start ove…r again tomorrow…you log on to your computer and read the following message and realize that, yes…everything really will be ok.  “I just want to say thank you. Thank you for making me realize that being a Mom is NOT an easy job and that I am NOT the only one that questions myself about raising my kiddos. Any time that I need a pick me up, I visit your page and end up leaving with a sense of “It’s going to be ok” and a smile…”

With Gratitude,
Mommy

Reason #2,839 I Desperately Need To Get My Hands On That F#*king Mommy Manual NOW:

Being sideswipped, at 9:00 am, with such questions as, “Mommy, when will I die? When will you die? When someone dies they just disappear? How will you die? How will I die?” by a four-year-old who is determined to get some answers and won’t stop until she does.

<Mommy takes a deep breath, holds back the tears, saves them for later and prays her answers were the right ones, because they don’t teach you about this stuff in school….>

Ding! Ding! Ding! We Have a Winner!

What’s worse than being judged by a member of your very own family? Nothing. So, that is why all hats are off to you…the ever-so-irritating judgemental family member who is always quick to spew out the obnoxious, uncalled for, condescending criticisms to any other family member…for you are the grand prize winner of today’s FU award. Congratulations.

 

I Think My Mom’s Gone Crazy…

You know what stings more than the realization that this afternoon will be my last drive I will ever make to pick up my youngest child from their very last day of preschool? My mind starting to play tricks on …me and presenting me with a plethora of reasons why birthing another child is suddenly a fabulous idea. Quick! Somebody give me a virtual smack upside the head and snap me back into reality, because obviously I am bordering on insane. And today’s FU goes to hormones!

She Was Right After All…

And this is why I call my mom at least once a week to apologize for the hell I put her through when I was a child…

Texting Target…

Camryn, 6: “Hey, Mom. I was just wondering. Are you able to text Target?”

Mommy: “Why would I text Target?”

Camryn, 6: “Ah, well. See, I have been thinking about this one particular stuffed animal they might have there. Ya know, in case you decide I earned my allowance for this week and I can get it.”

Mommy: “For real with this?”

Camryn, 6: “Yeah. For real. (pause) And just in case you need to know…her name is Poppet. She’s a Moshi Monster. She’s pink and so cute and the last time I saw her she was next to some Littlest Pet Shop toys.”

This is My Resignation…

I stumbled upon this quote today and I must thank you, Ms. Landers, for this gentle push to make the executive decision to resign myself as four-year-old Olivia’s personal on-call butt-wiper. Because let’s face it, a truly successful adult is one that wipes their own ass. And to Olivia…I wish you luck and underwear without poopy stains on them for years to come. You got this, little lady. You got this.

A Thin Slice of Mommy Heaven…

That glorious moment as you drive off following the morning school dropoff and realize you have total freedom to change the radio station the moment One Direction starts whining through your car speakers without getting scolded by their biggest four and six year old fans from the backseat.

<fires up the Ipod and blasts the uncensored version of her favorite Jay-z song>

Seaside Torture…

A big thank you to NickMom for posting this cartoon that does a fine job communicating exactly how much I truly loathe beach trips with the little ones. However, it is rather comforting to know I am not the only one out there who is repeatedly getting their mommy ass handed to them each and every time they attempt a seaside field trip with the kids en tow. Defeat at its finest…every f#*king time. Blech.

Alert: Tidal Wave of Tears in T-Minus Two Hours…

Adorable mini-sized cap and gown: check

Beyond excited graduating preschooler who has spent the last four months memorizing and perfecting the song, “At the Hop” for today’s performance: check

An endless supply of tissues for Mommy who is already welling up just typing about her baby girl moving on to kindergarten: check

MNO…

Up next…great friends, nachos and margaritas going down the hatch. That’s right….it’s Mommy’s Night Out in full effect, bitches. Holla! <punches out>

NEVER Make Eye Contact While Eating a Banana…

Question: What’s creepier than some creepy guy sitting in his car alongside yours a red light and creepily staring at you while you are innocently eating a banana?

Answer: Not much. And now if you’ll excuse me, I must go take a long hot shower for I feel violated and dirty. Next time I’m going with an apple for the afternoon snack…

Math-a-Phobia…

Like Mother, Like Daughter…
Mommy: “So, Olivia…are you excited to be going to kindergarten?”
Olivia, 4: “Well…um…will I haves to do math in kindergarten?”
Mommy: “Yes. You will. Why do you ask that?”
Olivia, 4: “Oh, no reason. I just don’t likes math. It takes a lot of work to do’s it and I just don’t like it at all, so I am not going to do math when I gets to kindergarten. That’s all.”
Mommy: “Wow! The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree!”
Olivia, 4: “What you say about apples?”

The Need To Vent…

Because it’s Monday morning. Because I am hormonal. Because sometimes ya just gotta let it out.

These are the things gnawing at my sanity today…

1. Being awoken to the sounds of my children mid-screaming match over which iCarly they should watch next.

2. Children hanging on my shopping cart in the store so that I cannot make a turn down an aisle without breaking a sweat.

3. Fulfilling a request for a particular meal only to be told my little angels actually changed their mind once it hits the table.

4. Being hit with a tidal wave of demands for a drink, a cheesestick, how to spell such words as armadillo and Antarctica etc. just as my ass hits the toilet seat.

5. Having to add a minimum of eleven minutes to the morning school day routine to make time for sunblocking purposes.

6. That small, elite group of mommies who are always there with a perfect little solution to your every mommy woe, yet can’t control their own kids if their life depended on it.

7.  <<insert your mommy pet peeve here….>>

…Thanks for listening. I feel better already. Happy Monday.

Lucky…

Both kids in bed by 8:15 pm and snoring by 8:23 pm? Looks like it’s time to revise tomorrow’s to-do list. The milk, eggs and laundry will just have to wait. Mommy’s feeling lucky…

Mommy Nightmare #2,459,503,229,148:

Escorting your child to a kiddie bounce house birthday party with twenty sweaty kids in attendance, of which, nineteen will lick, drool on and/or put their whole mouth over the faucet of the water fountain they are all in line to drink from after an hour of bouncing…let the germ swapping begin. <gags>

Late, As Usual…

I mean, really…at 34 years old I really should have this whole getting out of the house on time thing down pat. You’d think so, but eh, not so much. There’s always a child or two to feed, clothe, talk off the ledge of a… tantrum, argue with about brushing their hair and then there’s this damn Facebook thing that, without fail, always gets in my way of being punctual. 35, I’m counting on you to be the magic year…the year I finally get my shit together.

Not that I ever need an excuse to crack open a bottle of wine…

…but tonight’s particular toast is dedicated to the following…it’s finally Friday, my bedtime threat of missing out on her classmate’s birthday party tomorrow actually kept fou…r-year-old Olivia in her bed after lights out, no school lunches need to be prepared until Monday, I remembered to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer before the clothes grew mold on them and dinner is in the form of delivered take-out. Cheers!

Goodbye Kisses…

Olivia, 4: (on the walk to preschool dropoff) “Hey uh. Mommy. Could you not do’s that whole kissing me goodbye thing today?”

Mommy: (kisses Olivia at the school entrance)

Olivia, 4: “Hey Mommy, I says no kisses today!”

Mommy: (watches Olivia make her way down the hallway to her classroom and mumbles to herself) “Not a chance because, here’s the thing…pushing you out of my vagina automatically gives me the privilege to kiss and hug you any darn time I feel the need, little lady.”

One of Those Days…

Because today’s been a gem of a day and not that I’m counting or anything, but I think there’s approximately two hours and fifty-eight minutes til bedtime rolls around…just saying.

 

Earning the Double Scoop Sundae…

Those people who proudly step out of the gym and pat themselves on the back for a job well done…and then begin creating a plan of attack on that extra dessert they earned tonight as a result of their time spent sweating on the treadmill. Yep. That would be this gal right here. T-minus eight hours until dessert time…

Yes, Ma’am…

I think I am still deciding whether or not I like or feel mocked by four-year-old Olivia’s new habit of referring to me as Ma’am in public places, such as the entrance to school this morning…

Mommy: “Have a good day at school today, Olivia.”

Olivia, 4: “Yes, Ma’am. I will.” (enters through school doors)

Teacher: “Did she just call you Ma’am?”

Mommy: “Yes, Ma’am. She sure did.”

I Do Declare To Annoy Mommy…

Following the 37,456th time of removing the cat from my keyboard while trying to type, I am now fully convinced the children and pets have conspired against me and created a secret document that states the pets will take on the role of interrupting and pestering me during any and all times the kids are away from home, asleep or otherwise not available to fulfill their own pestering duties. <grabs an extension cord and hightails it to the nearest room with a lock on the door>

Are We There Yet?

Tonight’s posting is dedicated to that disheartening moment when you back out of your driveway and at least one of the children in the backseat asks if you are there yet…and you still have four long hours to go until you reach your final destination…

And the Gold Goes To…

If using every last ounce of energy you can possibly muster up to drag your overtired, sleep deprived, cranky ass out of bed to get your kid to school on time was a sport, I so would’ve earned the gold medal today…and in an ideal world, I would’ve proudly accepted that sucker, climbed right back into my warm bed and slept like a baby until noon or so.

Mommy Guilt…

Dear Mommy,
You yelled a lot this morning. Your nagging was off the hook too. On a scale of 1 to 10, your level of yelling/nagging came in at about a 9.99. Yet, on the walk to school this morning, I still found it in my innocent six-year-o…ld heart to present you with a freshly picked flower. So, after you see me off to school, please be sure to gently place the flower on your car dashboard…where it can bring you tons of guilt all day long and serve as a constant reminder of how this morning’s events may have disqualified you as a contender for Mom of the Year 2012.
With Love,
Camryn

I Swore I’d Never Be a Yeller…

Dear Child,

When you don’t listen the first twelve times I ask you to get dressed for school you leave me no choice but to yell…loud…like a raving lunatic. Now don’t forget to put on clean underwear and HURRY UP!

Love, Mommie Dearest

Fingers Crossed She Will One Day Remember My Name…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, I misses Aunt Irene.”

Mommy: “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll go and visit her soon.”

Olivia, 4: “Wait, er, no. I mean, ah I misses Aunt Debbie.”

Mommy: “Um, ok. Well, we can go see her soon too.”

Olivia, 4: “No, I means that girl. The one who died. What was her name again?”

Mommy: “Are you talking about my grandma that just died? Her name was Gammy?”

Olivia, 4: “Yeah! That’s the one. I misses her.”

Because today alone I bitched about…

My child eating chocolate ice cream with her fingers, my dog passing gas potent enough to be bottled and used for nuclear warfare, my pants feeling a bit too snug when I put them on, my daughters incop…orating jumping off of their dresser into their Alvin and the Chipmunks themed dance party, the cats using the drapes as their scratching post, my husband reminding me I am nearing 35 years of age, running out of shampoo mid-shower, and realizing at nine o’clock PM that what was to be tomorrow’s milk for the morning cereal has gone sour. If I can maintain this level of bitching every day…I’ll be twenty pounds lighter by next week. I think I can, I think I can…

Six Year Old Camryn’s Obsession of the Week…

They have lame names, make annoying sounds and serve no purpose on this Earth. However, my child has been living and breathing everything and anything Moshi Monsters for the last week, which in… turn means I have been involuntarily living and breathing everything Moshi Monsters for the last week. Yet another stupid toy invention that’s making millions and that I didn’t think up. Today’s FU of the day goes to Moshi Monsters. You all suck. Yes, even you Dipsy and ShiShi.

The Never-Ending Carousel of Favorite Foods…

Sunday: (at supermarket) “Oh Mommy, can you PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE buy these awesome Spongebob yogurt sticks? I just know I will love them so much! I need them! PLEASE!”
Monday: “Mommy, can I… have a Spongebob yogurt stick with my breakfast, lunch and dinner today?”
Tuesday: “Mommy, can I please take one of those cool Spongebob yogurt sticks to school in my lunchbox today?”
Wednesday: “Can I have a ginormous pile of those yummy Spongebob yogurt sticks and nothing else as my dinner tonight?”
Thursday: “I L-O-V-E Spongebob yogurt sticks!”
Friday: “I’m so bringing a blue Spongebob yogurt stick to school for snack today.”
Saturday: “Mom, please don’t EVER buy those disgusting Spongebob yogurt sticks. I don’t like then after all. Just throw the rest of the mega-sized bulk package I begged you to buy in the garbage because I am so done with those now, but next time we are at the store can you please buy me those really cool crushable yogurt cups? I really love those now.”

Is There a Dictionary in the House?

Camryn, 6: “Mommy, you know that thing I was talking about the other day about that other thing from last week I said? You know what I’m talking about, right?” Mommy: “Nope. I have no clue.”

Camryn, 6: “Ok, Mom. Well then, let me spell it out for you. G. Um. G-I. Actually forget it. I don’t really know how to spell it after all.”

Mommy: “Sure thing. Forgotten.”

Things they fail to tell you before you give birth to a girl:

1. When in Target, you will be powerless to the force that draws you to the girls clothing department even when you swore to yourself that this time you’d really stick to your shopping list that consists of only milk, shampoo, dog bones and sunscreen.

2. You will also lose all control and be totally unable to leave the to die for outfits and all their adorable coordinating headbands, hats, purses, jewelry, shoes and socks on the shelf.

3. Lastly, because of the detour to the clothing department, you will forget to buy the f#*king milk and have to make another stop on the way home from Target.

A Masterpiece of a Day…

Because the sun is shining, the kids woke up smiling and most importantly…it’s Friday. Here’s to a masterpiece of a day to you all…

Mommy’s Got Math-a-phobia…

Camryn, 6: “Mommy, can you help me with my math homework?

Mommy: “Sure.”

Camryn, 6: “We started a unit called geometry in my class this week.”

Mommy: “Um, on second thought, I think maybe it’s best to wait for Daddy to get home to help you with that.”

A Bottomless Bowl of Mac and Cheese Please…

I can honestly say my children would love nothing more than to be served a piping hot bowl of macaroni and cheese at every single meal for the rest of their lives. I can also honestly say and am not ashamed to admit that so would I because let’s be real here…there’s not much that trumps the thin slice of heaven that is a bottomless bowl of mac and cheese. Just saying.

I’m a believer…

…even if I still haven’t yet figured out the reason behind why every now and then four-year-old Olivia bypasses the toilet because she thinks her Barbie underwear make a much better home for her poop. All in due time.

Mommy’s FU of the day goes to…

…those handful of songs on the radio that I cannot stand to listen to but are ironically the songs my children beg and plead for me to leave on while in the car. Such examples include, but are not limited to, the following nauseating melodies that never fail to remain in your head for hours after they are heard: Starships by Nicki Minaj, Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction, Boyfriend by Justin Beiber, and Brokenhearted by Karmin. Double middle fingers to you all…

Some Go To Therapy…I Go To Pinterest.

Mommy’s version of therapy: one full, uninterrupted hour of mindless, random browsing of images on Pinterest (all of which I have already forgotten, but know for sure I thoroughly enjoyed perusing nonetheless.)

Motivational Thighs…

Thank you thighs for your support and also for being the motivation that keeps my ass on that treadmill this morning for an extra five minutes…

I’m With Stupid…

The family road trip was going rather well and then a little six-year-old voice from the backseat piped up and declared…
Camryn, 6: “Hey uh, Dad. I guess I will ask this question to YOU because YOU are smart.”

Daddy: “Yes. Yes I am. Go ahead and ask me.”

Mommy: (hangs head in shame)