Monthly Archives: July 2012

Tonight’s Glass Is FULL…

It’s a big night for Mommy tonight. And by big night I mean movie rentals, Mexican take out and a chilled bottle of cheap wine while lounging on the couch with my better half. Welcome to Saturday post-kids bedtime…the stuff that Mommy dreams are made of.

 

Advertisements

Today’s Agenda…

Today’s agenda: lots o’ quality family time, smiles and the making of memories. ♥

Morning Miracles…

I’d sell my soul to wake up to the first number on the alarm clock being greater than 7 tomorrow morning. Fingers and toes crossed… because miracles do happen.

 

Mission Accomplished…

Dear unruly, ignorant, obnoxious mom of the unruly, ignorant, obnoxious camper,
As a result of our enlightening conversation earlier today, I now know that the next time your out-of-control son punches another kid… sending them to the nurse hysterical crying in need of an icepack for the welt on his back and then tells me I can’t send him to time-out for it because his mom will “come down the camp to hit and kill me” that you are the one responsible for teaching him everything he knows and simply don’t have the time or need to face these demons. So, I am left knowing what they say is true. The rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. On a side note, I regret to say you have now lost my vote for Mom of the Year 2012. Better luck next year and best of luck. You’re going to need it.
Sincerely,
The Camp Group Leader

Facebook vs. Sleep…

One night, getting to sleep at a reasonable hour will finally prevail over mindless Facebooking. However, since it’s now 11:13 pm and I can barely keep my eyes open, that night is not going to be tonight. So, I say damn you, Facebook as I shake my fist at you for sucking me deep into your black hole of nothingness every f#*king night I log in…YAWN.

Sibling Rivalry….er, Love.

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again in a matter of minutes…such is the life of siblings.

 

Bugs Be Gone…

Because after arriving home after a long day at work there’s nothing else I’d rather do than scurry around the house like a crazy woman washing the kid’s bedding while praying it’ll be dry in time for bedtime, shampooing the hell out of the…ir hair with nasty smelling lice preventative soap and spraying the shit out of their camp bags with the hopes of murdering any little lice bastards that may have possibly jumped on it while at camp today. Therefore without further ado…today’s great big FU of the day award goes to none other than the f#*king “There has been a lice outbreak at camp” note sent home with the kids today.

Blue Lions…

Dear camp counselor who thought putting a blue lion stamper in the hands of my four-year-old daughter was a splendid idea,
I’ll give you a head start since I need some more time to finish scrubbing Olivia’s forehead, cheeks, neck, legs, ha…nd, arms and feet with soap…but start runinng young lady, because if this momma finds you, she’s going to make it her business to cover you from head to toe with that same blue lion stamp.
Sincerely,
A Not So Happy Camper (aka Mommy)
PS: If I don’t end up finding you, I’ll give you one guess as to what your tip will be at the end of camp. I hope you have always wanted a blue lion stamper of your very own.

There’s a New Superhero in Town…

Able to ruin a box of crayons within five minutes of them ever being opened, open, yet not eat, every yogurt sticks in the package in one hour’s time just so they can read the lame jokes on the inside of the empty wrappers, the ability to flood a bathroom in under three minutes flat, can manage to get themselves covered from head to toe in permanent black upon discovering a stray Sharpie marker, capable of destroying a brand new shirt with the sauce from just a half of a slice of pizza, able to fall into a full blown tantrum within seconds over absolutely nothing, the skill to destroy a computer system with the push of a button, able to traumatize a pet cat for life with one too tight “hug” and can empty a bottle of glue with one mighty squeeze…BEHOLD! THE POWERS OF SUPER FOUR YEAR OLD!

So They DO Listen After All…

You know your kids actually do listen to you when you overhear the following…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, cans you gets me somes milk to drink?”

Mommy: (in the process of attempting to conquer cooking dinner, feeding the cats and dogs, reading the mail and unloading the dishwasher)

Camryn, 6: “Olivia! Mommy isn’t two people and she doesn’t have four hands, so get in line if you want milk.”

Olivia, 4: “Um, where’s the line?”

I Think I Can…

T-minus 3 hours til quitting time. I think I can. I think I can…

I think I’m gonna be sick…

Having kids who spit up on me more times than I can count desensitized me and helped me to finally get over my deeply rooted, yet irrational, fear of vomit. However, after recently getting a cat, I now realize I spent all those years fearing the wrong thing because there is truly nothing more disgusting and stomach turning than bearing witness to a cat puking up a hairball. Oh my god. The memory shall be burned into my brain forever.

Tommorow’s Bloggers Extraordinaires…

This one goes out to my daughters… the next up and coming generation of Where’s the f#*king mommy manual? blogger extraordinaires.

Overpowered by the Magically Deliciousness…

I hereby swear to never, ever, ever, allow a box of Lucky Charms to land in my supermarket shopping cart again because clearly I simply lose all self respect and control when they are in my kitchen cabinet.
Camryn, 6: “Uh Mom, why are there like no marshmallows in the Lucky Charms? Where did they go?”
Mommy: (whispers) “In my belly.”
Camryn, 6: “What?”
Mommy: “Uh, I said I don’t know.” (wipes marshmallow crumbs   from the corners of her mouth)

The FU of the Day Award…

Because I swear I encounter one of these gems every single day…so why would today be any different? So, to the loud mouth ignorant young lady from the supermarket who believed I was truly interested in hearing her pearls of wisdom on how to handle my tantruming kid, I present to you…the FU of the day award.

Be a True Friend…

Friends don’t let friends walk around with stray boogers on their nose, so be a true friend and make fun of your snot covered pal.

Misery Loves Company…

Earlier today, my husband and the kids went out on the town and soon after their departure, I happened to come across my husband’s Facebook status which stated the following: “My daughters’ taste in music could be used as a form of torture.”
Truer words have never been spoken and I am so grateful to now know that there is someone else on this earth that can fully empathize with why a little piece inside of me dies each and everytime I drive in the car with the kids and I am forced to endure them pleading with me to leave on Justin Bieber, turn up the volume when One Direction plays and begging me to join them in singing along with that freakin’ Call Me Maybe nonsense.

Like Mother, Like Daughter…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, ya know what? I really like eating much more than cooking.”

Mommy: “Like mother, like daughter. So, in order to avoid that whole nasty cooking thing you speak of…should we go out or order in for dinner tonight?

I Hereby Swear Not to Judge Other Mommies…Except Today.

Once becoming a mommy and experiencing firsthand what it’s like to fall victim to those debilitating moments of Mommy crisis, I swore I’d never judge the actions of my fellow mommies, but this act I experienced earlier today truly caused me to dry heave and just won’t leave my mind…so I was left with no other choice but to judge, vent and ask you to join me in saying a prayer that little boy has a kickass immune system.

A Letter to the Judges…

Dear 2012 Mom of the Year Judges,
Please take note that today I agreed to take my kid to a Saturday evening birthday party at an overcrowded, smelly, deafeningly loud arcade, play the role of token distributor while she ran from game to game and even stood by her side while she spent 37 minutes choosing which pieces of plastic crap to spend her 283 winning tickets on which broke after her playing with them for a mere 8 minutes on the car ride home. I’m sure you will wholeheartedly agree that this evening’s events should earn me the right to have my name bumped up a few spots on your list of top ten awesome mommies who deserve this year’s coveted award. Thank you for your time, cooperation and understanding.
 Sincerely,
Super Mommy

<3

This gem is dedicated to my best friend, who just so happens to be my husband…as well as the funniest mofo I ever did meet on this side of the Mississippi…♥

Under Pressure…

Olivia, 4: “Hey Mom, I know that you know everything there is to know about everything, right?”

Mommy: “I don’t know about that…”

Olivia, 4: “But you have to know about it because you knows everything!”

Evil Hormones…

For days just like today, when I truly don’t even understand myself. FU hormones and your evil ways…

 

Camryn Gets Bedazzled…

Camryn, 6: “I know I’ve already said this three times today, but I really feel like a grown up with my new pierced ears!”

Olivia, 4: “Yeah, Cam. You are. You looks like a teenager now.”

Camryn, 6: “I know. I do, right.”

Applies to Any Pie Except Pumpkin Pie…

Unless it so happens to be pumpkin pie and then all bets are off and the pie is headed straight into mama’s belly. No questions asked.

Wishing…

Come along and join me as I procrastinate and give it my all to avoid folding the laundry, washing the dishes, making dinner, feeding the pets and rounding up the kids for bathtime…

A genie just landed in your house and offers you ONE of the following: a housekeeper, a chef or a live-in babysitter. Who do you pick and why?

<3

Because it’s so very true. Because it is one of my all time favorite quotes. Because it makes you think…

Motherhood…

And most importantly…sacrificing the ability to poop in peace. Ah, the life of a mother…it’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

Somebody Hit the Pause Button…

We all have them. You know those surreal moments that come without warning, from out of nowhere, at full force and knock you on your ass? Those moments in time that make you stop in your tracks, take a deep breath and wonder why time moves so damn fast sometimes. Today I experienced one of those moments. Maybe the hormones are to blame, maybe it was the simple joy of watching my two daughters stare up in the sky in awe at the fireworks display or perhaps it was just my turn to be made aware, once again, the need to make the time to recognize, enjoy and savor all those moments that fly by in the blink of an eye…

Sweet as Honey…

Mommy Turned Camp Group Leader: “I need to call one of your parents to tell them you hit your head while you were playing, so what is your Dad’s first name?

Four Year Old Camper Boy: “Uhhhhh….Daddy.”

Mommy Turned Camp Group Leader: “Um, yeah. How about Mommy’s first name. Do you know that one?”

Four Year Old Camper Boy: “Yep, I do. It’s Honey. I know that because that’s what my Dad always calls her.”

Squeak…

To the mom who thought it was a good idea to give my kid a toy that squeaks as a birthday gift,

While I do appreciate your generosity, please remeber that your kids birthday is just around the corner and us mommies never forget. Brace yourself for the loudest, most obnoxious sounding toy that money can buy because payback’s a bitch and so am I.

With love,

Mommy

You’re Under Arrest…for Catnapping.

Camryn, 6: “Hey Olivia, did you know you can go to jail for stealing a kid? It’s actually called kidnapping.”

Olivia, 4 (deep in thought) “Yeah, I knewed it already and ya knows what else? People can even goes to jail for catnapping if they steals a cat.”

Camryn, 6 and Mommy: (laughing their asses off)

Olivia, 4: “What?! Guys, it’s true! It really is! I’m not even lying!”

Where’s the Potty At?

Nevermind the fact that you also shared with the cashier that the reason you needed the potty was because you had to go “pee pee, but no poo poo…”

Mommy’s Witching Hour is in Full Effect…

If for the remainder of today, no one asked me to wipe their butt, feed them, carry them, dress them and/or entertain them, I would most certainly consider myself the luckiest gal on this side of the Mississippi. Just saying.

<end overtired and cranky Mommy’s tantrum>

Where’s That Personal Chef When You Need Him?

That moment when your children begin whinning they’re hungry while you’re teetering on the edge of starvation yourself, have lost all motivation to think up a meal and no longer have an ounce of energy left in your exhausted body to even attempt cooking the simplest of entrees. Take out to the rescue…again. Sigh.

Mommy Manual…Page 32

I am certain that when found, the Mommy Manual shall state the following on page 32: If, at any moment, you find managing your own two children at all challenging, do not ever sign up to manage 22 additional children at a summer camp for 39 days of a scorchingly hot summer too or risk losing what may be left of your sanity. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and luckily, for days like today, when that sounds like a bunch of bullshit…there is a nightly cocktail to offer the strength to make it through another day. 34 days left and counting. I think I can. I think I can…

The Hundred Dollar Store…

There’s the the dollar store and then there’s Target…the hundred dollar store. Never fails.

Because They’re Magically Delicious…

Mommy True Confession #4,568: After giving it much thought, I was able to think up three very good reasons why hijacking a bowl’s worth of the kids’ Lucky Charms for breakfast this morning was totally acceptable…

1. I paid for them.

2. Because the only other cereal in the house, Special K, really is not that special at all and actually pretty damn boring to eat.

3. Rainbow colored, magically delicious marshmallows are always more than welcome in my belly.

Damn Right, It’s Been a Good Day…

I shall take a moment to pause and give big thanks for small miracles…for this is truly one of them.

“Afro Circus, Afro Circus, Polka Dot, Polka Dot, Afro Circus!”

Just when you think you can’t take another second of having “Call Me Maybe” playing in your head 24/7…along comes this little diddy to take its place and drive you even closer to the edge of insanity.

 

A letter to an out of line stranger…

Dear nosy, obnoxious and completely out of line stranger sitting behind me at the restaurant.

Yes, I am scolding my child for something she did wrong. No, you are not welcome to stare, question why and shoot evil looks my way because of it. Now f#*k off and carry on or else you’re next up in line to feel the wrath of Mommy…and I can guarantee you wiill leave this place crying.

Sincerely, Mommy

 

 

Sloppy Joe. Slop. Sloppy joe.

“It’s okay if you gets messy when you eats them because they’re called sloppy joes. Right, mama?”…said four-year-old Olivia as she looked up to proudly show off her sloppy joe encrusted ear lobe, nose, cheeks, chin, forehead and right eyelid.

 

Hoping for a Better Day…

Here’s to hoping Thursday is kinder than Wednesday, because today was a f#*king royal bitch.

Facebook Birthday Love…

Because Facebook birthday love makes the sting of getting another year older that much easier to bear…