We’ll See..

Luckily, my little ones haven’t caught on just yet, but it’s only a matter of time until they do, but until then…

Dear Child O’ Mine,

Can you get a pet brown pony and name it Princess? Can you have an ice cream sundae with extra whipped cream for breakfast? Can you go live at Disneyland? Can you go to bed three hours later than usual tonight so you can watch some special Spongebob episode? Can we take a quick look at the toy aisle while we are in Target shopping for milk and toilet paper? Can you interrupt my Facebook time to play yet another round of Angry Birds on my cell phone?
We’ll see, honey. We’ll f#*king see.

With Love,

Mommy

Friday Nights Just Ain’t What They Used To Be… (Pre vs. Post Parenthood)

Pre Parenthood: An exciting night out on the town with your spouse filled with such pleasures as a leisurely dinner at a not-so-kid friendly, fancy restaurant followed by a visit to some loud, dark bar where you consume way too many drinks that you actually lose count after the fourth glass of wine which is then followed by a trip home to indulge in a round or two of wild sex and ends with you both sleeping until at least noon the next day.

Post Parenthood: Walking hand in hand with your spouse under the glow of flourescent lights while taking a romantic stroll down the aisles of Target on a mission to pick up such exciting items as light bulbs, toilet paper, cat food, Spongebob fruit snacks, cheese sticks and chocolate milk followed by a quick stop at the nearest chain restaurant for a not-so-gourmet bite to eat followed by a pit stop at the ATM to withdraw a wad of cash for the babysitter and then being home and asleep in bed by the latest 9:30pm and ends with you being suddenly woken up by the deafening sound of your child bellowing in your ear, “Mooooooooma! I needs some breakfast NOW please!” at 5:47 am.

Shameful Mommy Confession of the Day:

Did I finally agree to buy the Reese’s Puffs Cereal Olivia has been asking for because they were on sale? No. Was it because of all the begging she has been doing during each and every trip to the supermarket over the last few weeks? Nope.
The one reason I gave the ok was for the sole fact that I am hoping with all my might she won’t like them and I will then have the perfect guilt-free excuse to give them a home in my peanut butter loving belly…
<glances at the kitchen counter and eyes box of cereal longingly>

Wandering Mind…

Whether I am praising them for getting 100% on a spelling test, complaining about them having messy rooms, joining them for one of their infamous Justin Bieber dance parties, laughing at them for telling a joke that made no sense, yelling at them for dragging the cat by the ear, chasing them back into bed after their sixth bedroom exit or simply telling them I love them all the way to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond and more than they will ever know….they are always where my mind wanders.

Say it loud and say it proud!

A quiet moment of thanks…

1. Because today, four-year-old Olivia began every other one of her sentences with “is matters fact.”
2. Because six-year-old Camryn took some time out of watching her favorite tv show to run over and bear hug me while telling me “I am her BMF. Best. Mom. Forever.”
3. Because my husband read my mind, put his shoes on, grabbed his car keys and granted my wish for vanilla frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles before I even had the chance to ask him to please go.

Sometimes, it really is the little things that make you stop, take a quiet moment and thank your lucky stars for how freaking lucky you truly are…
<dives into a mountain of vanilla frozen yogurt>

Professional Procratinator…

So apparently, I should be a professional eater, Facebooker and Pinterest stalker. Sounds like my type of living.
What about you?

I Gladly Accept the Award…

Say It Ain’t So…

Today’s “Things my mom said that I swore I’d never say when I became a mom” line of the day is….
“I am very disappointed in you, young lady!”

Shoot me now.

1…2…3!

The Littlest Backseat Driver…

Mommy: (obnoxiously cut off by a moron driver) “Aw, come on! Really with that, buddy?!”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, Mommy? Ya know…that’s not really what you’re supposed to say when that happens.”
Mommy: “Oh really? And what is it I’m supposed to say, Liv?”
Olivia, 4: “You say jeez frucking christ…because that’s what Daddy always says when that happens to him.”

Dumbasses…

Because we all know at LEAST one of those super irritating, condescending know-it-all mommies with out-of-control kids who are constantly spewing advice at us on how to raise our children when what she really needs to do is put down her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, give this one a read and get herself schooled…

Inquiring Minds Want to Know…EVERYTHING.

So, I guess Olivia is above average because I swear she hits 437 questions by 10:00 am. Why does my poopy stink? Why does the cat yell at me when I squeeze her? Why can’t I wear lipstick? Why can’t we just pretend it’s Sunday and I skip school today? How many more minutes until my next birthday gets here? Why do I have to go to bed now? Why? Why? Why?

Today’s FU of the Day Goes To Pinterest…

Because honestly, birthday cupcake making for my kid’s class at school was so much f#*king easier before Pinterest had to show up and flaunt all those photos of fancy shmancy cupcakes and make me feel all sorts of inadequate with my from-the-box lopsided ones.
<sighs then licks the icing covered spoon clean>

 

The Super Pooper…

There are three bathrooms in our house. Each one of them has a functioning toilet. However, without fail, every morning when I step foot into my bathroom to get ready for work…
out of f#*king nowhere it’s five-year-old Olivia who insists on using my toilet to drop off her poop whose stink is so bad it rivals that of a three hundred pound man who just gorged himself on Taco Bell.

True story.

Behold…The Dream Light.

There is no doubt a fellow mommy is the genius behind this gem of an invention and to her I bow down, because anything that makes five year old Olivia go to bed without a fight, stay in bed instead of her usual routine of repeatedly exiting her bedroom for cups of water, multiple unnecessary potty visits and to negotiate why she should be able to stay up for “just five more minutes” is a f#*king miracle.

Saturday Night ala Mommy Style…

It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla.

Pissy Pants…

Happy fifth birthday to the littlest rockstar diva on this side of the Mississippi, my daughter…Olivia. And while we’re at it, how’s about a happy fifth anniversary shout out to the day I began pissing my pants with each and every cough or sneeze.

Motherhood…changing women in more ways than they ever could have possibly imagined.

It’s that time again…

The fridge is empty, the cupboards are bare and there ain’t a Polly-O cheese stick to be found up in here. Looks like it’s time to get my ankles repeatedly smashed by a shopping cart with 100+ plus pounds of kids pushing behind it, weed out the forbidden boxes of Mallomars, Lucky Charms and super sized bags of Cheetos that somehow mysteriously made their way into the cart and travel across the entire store for not one, but two, potty visits and most importantly, shoot scary evil looks at any and all persons in the supermarket who find it necessary to stare while I partake in multiple Mommy tantrums throughout our trip. Food shopping with kids. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Bedtime Story: Mommy Style…

Farewell Share Bear…

Gone are the days of the cute, little, fuzzy pink Care Bear skipping down the sidewalk on a mission to get herself some Halloween candy that she would glady share with Mommy. Here are the days of the black vampire princess with black lipstick, nailpolish and sparkly knee high boots who will make Mommy beg for just one of the 427 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in her bag. … And just like that…Mommy lost all control over Halloween. <sigh>

Crazed Karate Chopping Mommy On the Loose…

 

 

Today’s Mommy Mission: Survive Operation Double Flu Shots…

1. Back to back flu shot appointments for the kids at the pediatrician’s office this evening confirmed – check.

2. Pit stop at Target to pick up two king sized bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for bribing purposes and then tucked safely away in Mommy’s pocketbook to act as her own personal support system – check.

3. An extra large bottle of wine chilling in the fridge with Mommy’s name on it because, damn it, she earned that sucker – check.

Mommy’s Counting On You…

Here’s to hoping I raise my two kids to be Nobel Prize winners. Don’t let me down, little ladies. Mommy’s counting on you.
<fingers crossed>

You Know You’re a Mommy When #245,889:

Because anytime I get to skip out of the tedious task of spending five minutes of my time strategically layering toilet paper over a public toilet seat only to have it all fall straight to the floor half a second before my kid’s ass hits the seat is a damn good day in my book.
Because sometimes, it really is the little things…

Help (Desperately) Wanted… Professional Hair Braiding Extraordinaire:

Able to meet the high maintenance hair styling demands of five and six year old sisters. Must be fully capable of whipping up any and all fancy braid styles, including, but not limited to, a French braid, a side braid and an exact replica of the braids iCarly had in episode 14. Please be ready to accept demands for and then complete braids approximately two minutes before children need to leave the house in order to beat the school’s late bell. Must be able to tolerate whining and have the patience of a saint. Please inquire within asap, as Mommy’s lack of braiding skills and half-assed looking attempts are starting to chip away at her self-worth.

Imperfection is the New Perfection…

This one goes out to all my fellow imperfect, free and f#*king awesome mommies giving it their all…

*(And to all of you in that elite club of perfect mommies…
you sit on a throne of lies.)

Mommy and Daddy Sitting on a Couch… S-N-O-R-I-N-G.

Camyrn, 6: “Mommy, do you and Daddy sometimes sit on the couch and watch TV after I go to sleep?” ‘

Mommy: “Yeah. Sometimes we do.” … Camryn, 6: “Well, when a romantic part comes on do you guys kiss?”

Mommy: “Nope.”

Camryn, 6: “Why not?”

Mommy: “Because I am usually snoring like a frieght train on the couch five minutes after I put you to bed. True story.”

Juice boxes? We don’t need no stinking juiceboxes!

Unless it’s one of those fruit punch Capri Suns that pair ever so nicely with 5 ounces of vodka.
Bottoms up!

Super Embarrassing Mommy Moment #895,628:

Overheard at the Local Toys R Us…

Mommy: “Liv, I have to use the bathroom before we shop.”

Olivia, 5: (annoyed sigh) “Ok, ok. Let’s go then.”

Mommy: (enters bathroom stall and proceeds to use every last muscle in her body to successfully maintain her balance while squatting over the toilet seat)

Olivia, 5: (dramatically gasps for air) “OH MY GAWD! I CAN’T EVEN TAKES IT ANYMORE! BLECH! THE SMELL IN THIS PLACE IS SO, SO, SO, DEE-SCUSTING!”

Mommy: (confirms Olivia’s claim by nodding in agreement and then begins devising a plan on how to strategically navigate the store aisles in a desperate attempt to avoid having to come face to face with Miss Super Pooper from the next stall over…)

Olivia, 5: “OH GAWD! PLEASE HURRY UP, MOMMY!”

I Like Me…

Why does Facebook give me the option to “like” my own status?
Of course I like it.
Because after all, I am f#*king hilarious.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

M.O.M – Master of Multitasking…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom. What does a hen do if she is laying an egg at the same exact time she has to poop?”

Mommy: “Well, I guess she does what all mothers do.”

Camryn, 6: “Well, what’s that?”

Mommy: “She multitasks.”

Home Sweet Home…

However, the kids may just send a glance your way if you yell, scream and shriek whatever you need to say like a crazy lunatic mom trying out for the role of Mommie Dearest.
I mean, not that I’d know or anything.
Just an idea.

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day…

“Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is. Wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” ~ Dr. Jonas Salk

Don’t Even Think About It…

“Hey kids! Whatever you do…do NOT even think about doing the laundry, washing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting or cleaning your rooms! I absolutely forbid you!”
<crosses fingers>

Gearing Up For the Family Vacay Olivia Style…

Olivia, 5: “I have good news, Mom. I already packed my bag for our trip and don’t worry, I have EVERYTHING I would ever need!”

1. Metallic gold fur-lined boots and sequined Hello Kitty sneakers to ensure no matter which pair of shoes she chooses to wear on the trip, everyone within a fifteen mile radius sees her coming.

2. An unopened package of butterfly stickers to stick all over herself, her sister, the back of Mommy’ s head and the car during the four hour drive.

3. Some light reading material about super powered ponies and galloping to help pass the time while traveling.

4. A bottle of Mommy’s perfume which she already sprayed on herself 48 times before getting in the car causing all other passengers in the car to choke on her overpowering floral scent for the entire ride.

5. Cheese Doodles, in both puffed and crunchy form, to fill her belly and leave orange dust all over her hands, face, the car window and any other surface within two inches of her car seat.

6. A juice box, which she will down with just one super-sized sip, to wash down the cheese doodles and then complain moments later that she needs to “goes to the potty really, really bad because she is about to pee in her pants. For reals!” 7. A Tinkerbell bag with easy to use drawstring top for easy access to and transporting of all her vacay necessities.

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on my scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, Olivia’s pigtails are supposed to be straight, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, Camryn’s supposed to clean her room, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

Mommy True Confession #457,665:

Strategically hidden behind those boxes of not-so-exciting animal crackers and less-than-thrilling Nilla Wafers in the kitchen cabinet is the home of Mommy’s secret collection of goodness. There you will find such delicious morsels as Peanut Butter Cup Chips Ahoy, Candy Corn flavored Oreo’s and Nutter Butters. And no, Mommy doesn’t share her cookies…ever…with anyone. True story.

The $206.31 Red T-Shirt…

Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,563: Your child will notify you no sooner than 8 pm on a Sunday night that they are required to wear the color red to school for drug-free week the following day.
Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,564: There is not be a speck of red to be found on any article of clothing in the sea of neon pink, purple, rhinestones and sequins that make up your child’s closet.
Mommy Law #4,565: After driving like a lunatic to make it to Target before closing time to purchase “just a red shirt and nothing more” you will end up spending $8.99 on the shirt and $197.32 on a cart full of shit you didn’t even want, need or intend on ever buying before you stepped foot inside the store. (*see obnoxiously overstuffed and overflowing cart below)

Going For Seconds…

Dear Oversized Sweaters,

Thank you for your kindness, magical powers to hide those extra ten pounds and for making it simply okay to eat that second bowl of rigatoni ala vodka.

With Much Gratitude,

Mommy

The Elf on the Shelf has entered the building…

Let the good behavior and obeying Mommy’s every single command commence…for if it doesn’t my threat to extend a warm welcome to the Elf to stick around our house way after Christmas is over shall become a harsh reality for the little ones.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

<insert evil Mommie Dearest-esque laugh>

<3

FU of the Day Award…

Mommy: <enters elevator with two daughters at her side and smiles politely at soon to reveal her true colors moron lady>
Moron Lady: “Hmmm. You don’t have any boys, huh? Just girls?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Moron Lady: <dramtically shaking head in disgust> “Well, you know what? I’d rather have 25 boys that have to raise one girl.”

A big congratulations to moron lady for earning today’s FU Of The Day Award. Your condescending look of disapproval, asinine commentary regarding the gender of my children and uncanny ability to take inappropriate commentary to a whole new level have earned you the FU Of The Day Award.

Because Everybody’s a F#*king Expert…

(*note to self: order two of these gems in a girls size 6 as soon as possible and be sure to have kids wear them when we are in the company of one of those almighty super perfect moms who seem to always be equipped with and ready to spew a perfect solution to your every mommy woe yet their kids are shooting spitballs at everyone in the room while swinging from the chandelier on the ceiling.)

Mommy Needs a Time Out…

And while we’re at it…preferably a place where devastating hurricanes are simply unheard of. <sigh>

The Official Mommy’s Hurricane Preparedness Checklist:

1. A supply of wine to numb the pain of being cooped up in the house with the kids for 48+ hours straight.

2. A wide variety of comfort foods including family sized bags of Doritos in both Cool Ranch and Spicy Nacho flavors, a huge jug of marshmallow fluff, a loaf of bread, and an extra large sized jar of peanut butter in order to eat away the stress.
3. A 600 count bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol for those excruciating sibling rivalry-induced headaches.
4. Multiple packages of AA batteries to keep handheld video games alive and children entertained at all times.
5. A bottle of Valium in case the Tylenol doesn’t do the trick.
6. Three bags chockful of $24 worth of dollar store crafts to keep the little ones occupied when the batteries die in their video games.
7. Freshly installed heavy duty child-proof door lock on Mommy’s bedroom door to ensure there’s a safe haven to escape to when the kids get unruly.
8. Two completely identical flashlights that the kids will inevitably find a reason to argue over anyway when the power goes out.
9. Earplugs to drown out the incessant whining of the phrase ” Moooooomy! I’m Booooored!”
10. More wine.

Peter Pan Was Right…

Work, laundry, dishes, bills, and cellulite…
the stuff grown up’s dreams are made of.
<sigh>

Frienemies…

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again…all in a matter of minutes. Such is the life of siblings.

 

Every. F#*king. Time.

Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom:

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Spongebob, The Wiggles and Doodlebops.

2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a cotton candy flavored yogurt stick on the side for lunch and dinner in the same day.

3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The Usa,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.

4. Be convinced to purchase and serve cereal with artificially colored marshmallows in it for breakfast.

5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to count as my very own dinner. 6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face all in less than 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Being completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, four days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove the remnants of Oreos off of my child’s face after discovering I never replenished my supply of baby wipes in my pocketbook.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”

Today’s Forecast: Sunshine throughout the day with a high chance of periods of severe tantrums, tears and whining…

Michael Jackson Opens For the Beatles…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, did I just hear you say we have a babysitter for Friday night?”
Mommy: “Yup.”
Camryn, 6: “Let me guess…you’re going to see another concert?”
Mommy: “Yup.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, ok. Don’t even tell me who it is this time because I’m pretty sure I already know. It’s just gotta be Michael Jackson.”
Mommy: “Camryn, Michael Jackson is dead…”
Camryn, “Eeesh. That’s really sad. Well, then is it the Beatles?”

Mommy Learns To Let Go #986: Relinquishing Control of School Picture Day…

Today’s school picture day and apparently, when seen through Camryn’s six-year-old eyes, is the perfect excuse to showcase, in full force, her unique sense of rockstar-in-training-esque style. Someday I will find humor in the fact that my daughter posed for her second grade photo in a rhinestone covered turquoise dress, denim jeggings, a fringed hot pink scarf with gold stars draped around her neck in some elaborate type of “fancy” knot she “invented,” her favorite Justin Bieber bottlecap necklace hanging from her neck, various oversized plastic bracelets in every color of the rainbow on her wrists, and silver super-sparkly fur-lined boots on her feet. Someday I’ll laugh. But probably not today.

The Official Top 10 List of…Things I Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:

1. Going to the Bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.
2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese or any other of my favorite ingredients.

3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:00 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”

4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to lower the volume at each swear word.

5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that bonus muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.

6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker and a plastic tambourine for the ten minute car ride.

7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and fend off beggars with my spoon.

8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s at checkout time.

9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in library overdue fines.

10.  And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh at a joke, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my freaking pants.

ALERT! ALERT!

Patience reserves are at an all time low today.
Stay back 500 feet at all times.
And to my very own pint sized patience zappers that I call my children….this means you.
Consider yourselves warned.

Things I Thought I’d Never Ever, Ever Hear Myself Say Before Having Kids But Don’t Even Question Now That I Do Have Them #56,453:

“Olivia! How many times do I have to tell you it’s just not okay to hold the cat while you’re naked!”

Your turn.
Go…

To Heaven, To Hell and Back Again…

Heaven to hell and back again…all in the blink of an eye.
True story.

The Friday Night Mom’s Night Out Is In Full Effect…

Tonight’s MNO Agenda shall include the following:

1. Order a few bottles of wine.

2. Unanimously agree to completely avoid discussing children and/or anything remotely child-related thr…

oughout the duration of the evening.

3. Pour more wine.

4. Begin taking turns rambling about how your kids nearly drove you to the brink of insanity today.

5. Fill empty glasses with more wine.

6. Inconspicuously text husbands to make sure he doesn’t forget to give the kids kisses from Mommy at bedtime.

7. Finish off bottles of wine.

8. Begin sharing insane thoughts on the idea of how truly fabulous it’d be to have another child.

9. Sit back, let the wine wear off and wait for reality to slap you square in the face and knock some f#*king sense into you.

10. Agree that tonight’s conversations shall never leave the table and ask for the check.

You Say Penis, I Say Pieces…

When your kid refers to the custodian at her school as the “escobian” you giggle.

When she substitutes the word “unicornycorn” for unicorn during a conversation you get a good chuckle.

But when she starts the day by proudly declaring, “Hey Mommy, I really, really love those Reese’s Penises you bought me yesterday” you collapse on the floor, try to catch your breath as the stomach cramps set in from laughing so hard you can’t even see straight. Your turn. GO!

*The funniest thing my kid ever said was ________________.

Superwoman…

I need to carry this one around with me in my wallet for those days I am feeling like I suck. One glance at it and BAM! Just like that…I am back to being superwoman.

Another Mommy True Confession…

Ok, ok. I’ll admit it. Been there. Done that.
Not So Proud Mommy Moment #456,438.
Who else is guilty?

Saturday Night ala Mommy Style…

It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla.

Extremely Proud Mommy Moment #985,348:

Upon starting up the car this morning, four-year-old Olivia politely placed a music request for “Rocking the Suburbs” by Ben Folds Five and then proceeded to sing along with it, word for word, like it was her job. And just like that, I knew…today was going to be a good freaking day.
<walks off humming the song>

The Littlest Backseat Driver…

Mommy: (obnoxiously cut off by a moron driver) “Aw, come on! Really with that, buddy?!”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, Mommy? Ya know…that’s not really what you’re supposed to say when that happens.”
Mommy: “Oh really? And what is it I’m supposed to say, Liv?”
Olivia, 4: “You say jeez frucking christ…because that’s what Daddy always says when that happens to him.”

Operation: Annoy Mommy When She’s Busy…

I swear these kids have a radar that goes off each and every time my ass hits the seat of a chair. Sad, yet true story.

Soon To Be Five-Year-Old Olivia’s Birthday Wish List…

Mommy: “Liv, while we are at Target, let’s go take a peek in the toy aisle to get some ideas of what you’d like for your birthday.”

Olivia: (hurriedly crosses the store and makes sharp turn down aisle C39) “Ok, so ya see’s this aisle? I want both sides of this aisle and ‘specially the Easy Bake Oven and one of those little Furby guys down on the end.”

Friday Night: Mommy Style…

Kids in bed and asleep by 8:00 pm, about to wash down a burrito the size of my head with a Blue Point Pumpkin Ale and then do nothing more than bask in the glorious sounds of silence. It may not be one of those crazy Friday nights from my teenage years, but right about now…this shit is a thin slice of heaven right here on earth.

Today’s Great Big FU Of The Day Goes To… The Wear a Specific Color to School Everyday Week.

Olivia truly looked like a lovely little ray of sunshine in her yellow shirt, yellow headband and yellow Hello Kitty bracelet as she walked through the school entrance this morning. My little lady was going to rock yellow day like a boss. Then I noticed the sea of green following the same path as Olivia …

and it hit me like someone had slapped me upside the damn head. It wasn’t yellow day after all. That was tomorrow. And just like that I fell off my Perfect Mommy 2012 pedestal. So, did I drive back home like a lunatic, dig through Olivia’s dresser drawers for a green shirt, grab a green headband and speed back to the school to drop them off for her in an attempt to help her forget this tragic day and future therapy bills? You bet you ass I did.

<begins her slow climb back up the Perfect Mommy pedestal>

“Don’t make me count to 1, 2, 3. Yeah, it’s the Parent Rap, ya’ll.”

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xsw18k_parents-rap-about-maintaining-their-household_music

Mother Knows Best…

This one goes out to my know it all four-year-old daughter, Olivia…
Since it seems that through her eyes Mommy don’t know jack shit.

However, I do know that I can tie my shoes, count all the way to 30, wipe my own butt and eat as many cookies as I want whenever I want.

Just saying.

The Scary Sound of Silence…

When you aren’t sure whether to simply sit and enjoy the rare moments of silence or run at full speed to attempt to divert whatever disaster is about to take place…

 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…

Mommy: “Camryn, it’s time to leave for school now!”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, Mom. I’m almost done. Be there in just a few more minutes.”
<Camryn arrives at the front door of house>
Mommy: “What the heck were you doing up there that took so long ? I thought you were all ready to leave like fifteen minutes ago?”
Camryn, 6: “Oh, yeah. I was all ready, but I just needed a few more minutes to finish up admiring my beauty.”

True story.

Farewell 2012 Mommy of the Year Award…

As if my sore throat at the end of the day wasn’t enough to remind me that I yelled at the kids too much today.
Poof! Out of f#*king nowhere comes six-year-old Camryn who finds it necessary to rub salt in the wound by declaring, “Ya know what mom? You are the best Mommy in the whole wide world. Even if you do that really loud yelling thing that really hurts my ears.”
And just like that, the 2012 Mom of the Year Award slipped away from me…