Monthly Archives: October 2012

When Hormonally Charged Moms Drink…

You know that feeling when you are just about to take that last sip of your third glass of wine and you start rambling to your friend about how fast your kids have grown up and how it’d be so amazing to have another pair of little feet running through the house again?

Yeah, me either.
<pours glass #4>

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Showertime Drama…(Starring Four Year Old Olivia and Her Infamous Screams, Shrieks and Bullshit)

What I Say:
“Come on, Olivia. It’s time for me to give you a shower.”

What She Hears:
“Come on, Olivia. It’s time for you to scream like a tortured raving lunatic while Mommy tries her best to wrestle you into the shower and attempts to rid you of all those stray Oreo crumbs in your left armpit, those pesky chunks of macaroni and cheese hiding in your hair and those streaks of black Sharpie marker you felt it necessary to decorate your legs with. ”

Without fail. Every f#*king time. Somebody make it stop.

Where’s the Pause Button?

Wasn’t it just yesterday they were so small?
Somebody hit the pause button.
Please.

A Swift Kick to the Self-Esteem…

Nothing says good morning like your six-year-old pointing at the large zit on your forehead, commenting on it’s size and then offering up the advice to “just go buy that X-Out stuff she saw on television to just get rid of it.”

PS: I thanked her for her concern and advice and then told her of course we could go buy some X-Out…but not until after we made a stop at the pet store for a muzzle to take care of her nasty case of diarrhea of the mouth first.

The Middle Name…

Dear Kids,
When you hear me yelling out your full name with an extra emphasis on the middle one, you best start running in the opposite direction of my voice because shit’s about to get ugly. And that’s one to grow on.

With Love,
Mommy

MOMMY’S MOST WANTED: Please forward all resumes to – Attn: Overwhelmed Mommy

– One skilled chef able to prepare, serve and clean up kid-friendly meals that are guaranteed to be eaten by the kids with them partaking in minimal whining and/or complaining.
– One house cleaner able to manage keeping the house continuously tidy and free of pet fur tumbleweeds, stray toys, and cookie crumbs.
– One launderer able meet the demands of never-ending mountains of dirty clothes waiting patiently to be washed as well as clean clothes in need of being folded and put away in the dresser drawers where they actually belong.
– One administrative assistant able to tackle, sort and make sense of the tsunami of PTA letters, homework sheets, notices from the teacher and projects that spill out of the children’s folders each day after school.
– One animal lover extraordinaire to make sure the cats and dogs are fed, watered, acknowledged on a daily basis and don’t get lost in the shuffle of the everyday household chaos.
– One nail techincian to give weekly pedicures to avoid Mommy having scary looking half painted chipped toenails.
Thank you for your interest. We hope to hear from you soon. Like, REALLY, REALLY soon.

Kiddie Birthday Party Etiquette 101: The RSVP…

Dear Birthday Party RSVP’er,
Thank you very much for your timely RSVP to my daughter’s birthday party and for letting me know that not only will your daughter who was actually invited will be there, but her sister will be attending as well. Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you bring your neighbor, your kid’s bus driver, your fourth cousin once removed, your mailman, your pet goldfish and that random stranger riding his bike you passed while driving today to join in on the festivities too. I look forward to meeting you all.
Sincerely,
Mommy

The Bottomless Pit (Otherwise Known as Mommy’s Pocketbook)…

Cashier: “That’ll be $6.33, Miss.”
Mommy: “Ok. Hang on. I know I have the change in here somewhere. Just give me about an hour and a half or so to sift through all these goldfish cracker crumbs, wads of chewed gum, dirty tissues and Squinkie toys to find it for ya.”

Never Forget…

9/11/01
Never forget.

All Aboard the Avoiding Bedtime Express…

Good evening, folks. It’s 8:00 pm and it appears we are right on schedule for yet another evening chockful of bedtime shenanigans courtesy of my kids who will go to any costs to prolong going to bed.

Same shit, different night.
I want off this ride.
<punches out>

 

 

Confidence…

“Ya know how I know so much about things, Mommy? It’s because I have a really talented brain.” ~ Camryn, 6

The Littlest Whistler…

Four year old Olivia has mastered the skill of whistling…really loud…all day long.  She is clearly showing a preference for such tunes as Flo Rida’s “Whistle”, “One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful”, Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake” and the well-known crowd pleaser, Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.”

…And just like that, there was yet another addition to my “Top Ten Super Annoying Things Olivia Does that Makes Mommy Want to Check Herself Into an Insane Asylum” list. Lord help me.

Mommy’s Secret Snacks…

Candy bars, that last Oreo cookie in the box, that last handful of peanut M & M’s, the last of the box of Lucky Charms which was the perfect amount to make that very last bowl of delicious marshmallowy cereal snack goodness I put in my belly.
Admit it…you’re just as guilty as I am. And because after all, we f#*kin’ deserve it.

The Parenting 101 Exam…

Please keep your eyes on your own test, go with your gut instinct and truthfully answer yes or no to the following questions to find out if you have what it takes to be a parent…
1. Are you willing to be startled out of a sound sleep from crying, whining and/or repeated requests for cups of water every hour of the night and make sleeping through the night a distant memory?
2. Does scarfing down a half eaten chicken nugget, a few soggy french fries and a sip of chocolate milk sound like an appetizing and satisfying dinner?
3. Do you find wearing clothes stained with baby spitup, pureed peas and smeared with gobs of snot fashionable?
4. Did you ever have dreams of becoming a lifelong taxi driver who does receive pay, tips or any other form of thanks for all your hard work?
5. Can you manage to stay somewhat sane after listening to the latest teeny bopper song 118 times in a row?

6. Do you have a secure location within your house (ie: bathroom with a lock on the door) to attempt undisturbed phone calls?

7. Do you consider conquering mountain after mountain of laundry to be an enjoyable way to spend most, if not all, of your days?

8. Do you enjoy cleaning up the same exact mess in the same exact room a minimum of fifteen times a day?

9. Have you always wondered what it’d be like to have company each and every time you had to move your bowels, shower or shave?

10. Have you made it through questions 1-9 and are still entertaning the idea of reproducing?

If you answered no to one or more of the questions, you are NOT ready to become a parent. If so desired, please re-test in the near future to see if you have acquired what it takes to take on the most rewarding, yet challenging role of your life…Parenthood.

Running…

I am not a fan of running. Even speed walking sucks in my book. However, dangle a package of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups in front of me, have a serial killer chase me with a bloody knife or send one or more whining children after me…and I’m going to run like it’s my job.

JOB POSTING:

Referee needed to break up constant ear piercing, super irritating and at times, straight up nauseating bickering between four and six year old drama queen sisters who argue over anything and everything. Black and white striped shirt not mandatory, but welcomed. Payment will be in the form of generous portions of goldfish crackers and juice boxes (your choice of flavor). Please be available to begin work ASAP as Mommy is likely to have a nervous breakdown soon if she is subjected to another day of the torture.

Attention Shoppers and Alumni of Pequa High School…We Have a Big Hot Mess in Aisle 8.

And as if my disheveled appearance wasn’t enough to make me want to get out of sight by hiding inside a clothes rack, the children displaying their most obnoxious behavior by climbing all over the shopping carts really made me want to sprint to the nearst emergency exit door and get the hell outta dodge…

Today’s Great Big FU of the Day Goes to Pokeman…

And just when I thought we were in the clear and that the Pokeman fad had passed over our house, my seven year old comes home from school today and now speaks about nothing else but that little yellow bastard, Pikachu and all his little weirdo friends. I am left kicking myself for ever complaining about her former obsession with Justin Bieber. What I wouldn’t give to have to listen to Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” 38 times in a row right about now…

Mother Knows Best…

My mother’s laughter from the day I called her to tell her I was going to give birth to a girl still echoes in my ears seven years later…now I know why. I offer up my apologies to my mom at least once a week for my childhood antics. This parenthood thing ain’t no joke.

 

Pinterest To The Rescue…

Because television shows about beer, cars or classic rock bands just don’t hold my interest…at all. So, for those nights, I turn to Pinterest, because I can always use another new recipe I’ll never cook, a kiddie craft I’ll buy the supplies for and forget to do with the kids or another picture of a shirtless Mark Wahlberg circa 1990’s. True story.

Strange Attraction…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, can I tell you something before Daddy gets home from work because I don’t think he’ll really want to hear this one.”
Mommy: “Sure.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, I think I might love Frankie in my class.”
Mommy: “I see. And what makes you love this Frankie more than any of the other boys in your class?”
Camryn, 6: “Well, because he does really funny things that make me laugh so hard.”
Mommy: “Like what kind of funny things?”
Camryn, 6: “Well, he does this thing when he preteds to choke himself. It is like the funniest thing ever and it makes me laugh so much. I so love him.”
Mommy: “Well, it sounds like true love to me, Cam.”

Damn You Cellulite!

While walking on the treadmill today, I could’ve sworn I heard someone clapping for my exercising efforts.
Turns out it was just my thighs slapping together.
<sigh>

Mommie Dearest 2…

And the Leading Role of Mommie Dearest in the Upcoming Movie Mommie Dearest 2-The Sequel Goes To…Me.
According to this chart, I needed an exorcist by 8:37 AM this morning. That’s got to be some sort of world record. Maybe it was  all the whining, or the bickering, or the fact that each and every room of the house was turned upside down or perhaps even just  a combination of all of the aove, but anyway you look at it, this morning was a bumpy one for sure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to drown myself in my Mommy guilt for the next six hours until the little ones return home from school and quickly pick up right where they left off this morning with their mission of driving me the the brink of insanity. <hangs head in shame>

Mama Goes Batshit Crazy…

Dear Olivia,
And once again…congrats to you, little lady. Because of your antics this evening, you are the grand prize winner on “Making Mommy Go Batshit Crazy.” You have won yourself Mommy screaming, yelling and the added bonus of watching her teeter on the edge of sanity. I hope you enjoy your prize. Now get your ass to bed. NOW.
With Love,
Your Exhausted Mommy (Who Wants Nothing More Than to Finally Punch Out For the Night So Go the F#*k to Sleep N-O-W…please)

Calling All Parents…

Please feel free to submit your addition to the list of
“Did I Just F#*king say That?!” below.
The more insane sounding, the better.

My Submission…
“Olivia, is that poop or chocolate on your hands and if it is in fact poop…is it yours or someone else’s?”

Mommy Lesson of the Day: Next Time, Wait Longer.

Ever have your four year old talk back to you, walk away and then unexpectedly turn around to catch you giving them the middle finger for being such a brat? Yeah, me either.

True Story…

Sadly, I have no choice but to confess to this nonsense, because it takes place around here…Every. Single. Day.

…Now, did you hear what I just said to you? Did you?

Not So Gourment Meals Ala Mommy Style…

Because one day…I WILL make one of those fancy “just came out of the pages of a cooking magazine” looking homemade meals. Just not today. And tomorrow’s not looking too promising either, but one day. One day. <sigh>

Day one: Operation Mommy Goes Back To Work After Seven Years as a Stay At Homer… (time to take a deep breath, put on my “I got this under control face” and pretend that no matter what happens, it’s all part of the plan…more or less)…

Mommy: “Girls, are you sad that Mommy is going back to work and won’t be there to pick you up from school anymore?”
Camryn, 6: “Nope. Not at all. I’m proud of you for going to be a teacher again.”
Olivia, 4: “Um, yeah. You are’s a great Mommy, Mommy.”
<girls tackle Mommy and smother her with bear hugs>

All Aboard the Tantrum Coaster (Never Underestimate the Power of a Four-Year-Old)…

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome aboard the most terrifying ride of your life. Step up and take a seat on the infamous Olivia’s Roller Coaster of Tantrums. Please sit back, secure all loose articles, and brace yourself for the bumpiest ride of your life…because shit’s about to get ugly.
*Disclaimer: This ride is not for the weak of heart.

 

 

A Small Sampling of the Insanity that is My Children’s Why’s…

Why don’t you ever let me eat lollipops for breakfast? Why does that poopy I just made look like a snake? Why do girls have a pagina and boys have that stick thingy with the two circles? Why does ice cream always taste so delicious? Why does Mommy have those big boobies? Why does the cat meow really loud when I squeeze her super, super hard? Why does Mommy sometimes yell really loud then runaway to the nearest bathroom and lock herself inside after a long day of me asking her 199,654,338 questions about anything and everything?

Mommy’s Toilet Cleaning Motivation…

Because cleaning the toilets in my house deserves a big bowl of that delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream strategically hidden behind a bag of frozen peas in the freezer, a tall stack of those yummy Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chunk cookies hidden behind the boring Scooby Doo fruit snacks, a couple handfuls of tasty candy from that birthday party goodie bag I told you I threw out because you didn’t need the sugar…Oh, and a trophy. Because yes, cleaning the toilets is that bad.

“Emergencies”…

Ever notice how each and every time you pay a visit to the bathroom an “emergency” seems to arise? Every f#*king time. Such emergencies include, but are not limited to, your child needing a snack even though they just ate two minutes ago, them wanting the television channel changed because they already saw the episode of Spongebob that is playing, or the phone rang, so they picked it up and told the caller to call back because Mommy is busy making a lot of poopies right now…