Things They Failed To Tell Me BEFORE I Decided To Become a Parent #456,789:

Things They Failed To Tell Me BEFORE I Decided To Become a Parent #456,789: While it may seem like a good idea to do so at the time…no matter how late you let you kids stay up at night, they will STILL wake up, chockful of energy, at the crack of freaking dawn.
Without fail.
Every f#*king time.
110% guaranteed.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do…

Camryn, 7: “I can’t find my shoes anywhere!”
Olivia, 5: “Hmmm. I see them right there by the door, Camryn. Maybe next time you should look WITH YOUR EYES. Now are you ready to go? Wait. Let me rephrase that. We are leaving now. Let’s go little lady.”
Mommy: (hangs head in shame at how dumb she must sound sometimes while simultaneously being super grateful Olivia stepped in and took one for the team on this one)

Just Listen The First Damn Time…

Overheard ’round these parts at least 86 times a day in some form or another…

Mommy: “Olivia, please don’t wrestle with the cat!”
Mommy: “Olivia, stop making the cat breakdance on the kitchen table!”
Mommy: “Olivia, stop swinging the cat around by his tail!”
Mommy: “Olivia! Put down the damn scissors! The cat does NOT need his whiskers trimmed!”
Mommy: “Oliiiviiiiaaa! Get the cat out of the bathtub right now! He doesn’t want to take a bath with you.”
Mommy: Olivia! For the love of god! Just listen the first time I ask and leave that freaking feline alone!!”
Olivia: “Geesh, Mom. You don’t have to be so nasty about it.”

What To Really F#*king Expect…

Finally. It’s here. The book that reveals all those harsh truths they fail to tell you BEFORE you decide to get pregnant. Presenting…
What to Really F#*king Expect When You Are Expecting.

1. Expect your breasts and areolas will grow three sizes overnight, ache and throb like it’s their job, and will soon end up pouring out of the top of your bra.
2. Expect you will suddenly spot cellulite on random parts ofyour body that you never even knew could get cellulite on them.
3. Expect you will find yourself saying a desperate prayer that you don’t pee in your pants every single time you have to cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. Expect you will be plagued by morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness that leaves you dry heaving over the porcelain throne.
5. Expect you will emit gas from both ends of your body that sound and smell so bad it shall rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence after he has ingested a super sized bowl of beans.
6. Expect you will be able to almost hear the sound of your regular jeans yelling “f#*k you!” as you force them over your expanding belly and have to finally give in to wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans that scream unsexy.
7. Expect you will see no other choice but to give in to the nagging cravings for egg salad on an everything bagel, sauerkraut, mustard, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. Expect you will discover you are gaining weight so fast that you swear you can feel yourself getting fatter by the minute. This is confirmed by both the number on the scale and your five-year-old child incessantly asking you why you are getting so fat.
9. Expect you will no longer have the ability to see anything past your huge belly to perform that much needed weekly check to see if your legs are hairier than your husband’s and desperately in need of a shave.
10. Expect you will now have a complete understanding of the nightmare that is hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world.

How To Get Your Kid’s Attention…

Dear Mommy,

I admire your courage and determination in attempting to sit down, pour yourself a glass of water, pick up the phone, crack open that secret stash of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that is housed in the way, way back of the freezer and strategically hidden under that box of Elio’s pizza, or actually, trying to do anything at all that doesn’t directly involve me. I give you an “E” for effort, but alas, here I am yet again with my endless list of demands in hand. Let’s get to work meeting MY needs now, shall we?

With Love and Occasional Gratefulness,
Your Super High-Maintenance Toddler

The Christmas List…

Camryn, 7: “Mom, I decided to write my Christmas List a little early this year. So, here it is. But don’t read it til it’s closer to Christmas.”

And just like that I welcomed the reminder that in between the tantrums, the talking back, the messy rooms, the endless whining, the never-ending demands for more juice, the requests for less broccoli, and the begging to have a second scoop of ice cream at dessert…I suddenly remembered how awesome this whole motherhood thing can actually be sometimes. How straight up freaking awesome it can be.

Mommy Pet Peeve #457:

Mommy Pet Peeve #457…this shit right here.
And to all those candy toting strangers who obviously don’t have kids of their own but for some reason always feel the damn need to sugar mine up, send them on their way, and cause them to drive me even more batshit crazy than normal…cut that shit out. Please and thank you.

Not-So-Proud, Yet True Mommy Confession #112,013:

I may or may not have been guilty of this very act by 8:03 am this morning, because sometimes a fifteen minute long category five tantrum over which socks the five-year-old will wear to camp can put even the best parent over the f#*king ledge.

Mommy Epiphany #45,998:

Sometimes you just stumble upon one of those moments that make you stop in your tracks and realize sometimes it’s the little things that are truly the big things in life.
This was my moment today.
What was yours?

Dear Mommy McIgnorant…

Because there’s always one in the damn crowd.
Without fail.
Every f#”*king time.

Rocking Out In The Supermarket…

Because really, other than the kickass sale on frozen mini waffles, what’s better than listening to the sweet sounds of the instrumental version of Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” while crusing down aisle #6?

Curse Words…

Camryn, 7: “Hey mom, you know we should probably just trade in our dogs for different dogs, because all the other dogs in the world know they have to piss and shit OUTSIDE, but for some reason, our dogs always piss and shit INSIDE the house.”

Mommy: “Because number one, our dogs were sent here by the devil himself to make my life sheer hell and number two, you aren’t allowed to say the word shit. That’s Mommy’s job.”

Dear Mommy McPerfect…

Dear Mommy McPerfect,

All that wearing wrinkle-free clothes that match perfectly, a flawless hairdo, perfect makeup, and sending your kid off to school with a lunch that rivals that of a five star chef’s signature meal every damn day.
You’re making us look bad.
So, cut that shit out.
Now.
Please and thank you.

Signed,
Mommy Not-So-Perfect

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Worst Birthday Party Favors…

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Worst Birthday Party Favors…
1. A HARMONICA…that my child can and will play extremely loud and with every ounce of energy they can muster up, while I attempt to maintain what is left of my sanity.
2. A BLUE RING POP…that my child will eat and manage to cover their mouth, hands, fingers, and clothes in blue stains that will take days, if not weeks, to finally fade.
3. PLAY DOH…that my child will smoosh into their carseat, my carseats, their hair and ultimately, into their mouth.
4. LIP GLOSS…that my child will use to apply generous gobs of to their entire face necessitating me to wash their face not one, not two, but fourteen times to remove it all.
5. WHISTLE…that my child will blow, repeatedly, leaving with me severe ringing in both of my ears that will annoy me until the next damn birthday party rolls around.
6. KAZOO…that my child will whine about not knowing how to use and then not stop for hours once they finally figure out how to make that annoying humming noise from hell.
7. CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER CANDY…that my child will have no choice but to surrender to me and my peanut buttery chocolate loving belly and completely sabotage my latest diet.
8. BUBBLES…that my child will undoubtedly wind up spilling on themselves, their shoes, and a large portion of the backseat of the car.
9. CHEWING GUM…that my child will chew for approximately two minutes until it loses it’s flavor, forget to place in a wrapper and then step in it guaranteeing the floor of the car will never be the same.
10. A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLES…that my child will eat and then use the neon orange powdery residue on their fingers to grafitti every surface they come in contact with for the next three hours.

Three Foot Tall Warriors…

Yep.
The chaos.
The craziness.
The sheer insanity.
And the three feet tall warriors who can turn an entire house upside down in five minutes flat.
Yep, that’s all me.

I Wasn’t Supposed To…

Because I wasn’t supposed to forget to count to ten before yelling at the kids for something that probably didn’t really require yelling at all.
Because I wasn’t supposed to spend that half hour folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher and vacumming the floors when I could have joined in and been the green guy in a game of Candyland instead.
Because I wasn’t supposed to overreact and scream like a lunatic when I spotted her getting ready to swan dive off of her dresser while dancing to some horrible Pitbull song.
Because I wasn’t supposed to reply with an annoyed and gruff “I don’t know” when she asked me question number 45,674 of the day which inquired about the life of a llama.
Because I wasn’t supposed to use phrases such as, “You better watch that attitude little lady” and “For God’s sake can I please have just five damn minutes of quiet?!”
Because I wasn’t supposed to let a handful of “Oh shit’s” and a couple of F bombs slip in their presence.
Because I wasn’t supposed to completely lose my patience and hurry them to bed just so I could go crawl into mine.
Because I wasn’t supposed to sit alone in the silence once they had finally fallen asleep and swear to myself that tomorrow I will be the kind of mom I hoped to be when I woke up this morning.
Luckily, there’s always tomorrow.
A new day.
With no mistakes in it…

The Unwelcomed Houseguest…

True story.
Slightly disturbing, yet very true story.
And with an extremely high possibility of me eating any and all chocolate you have in your house.
Careful what you wish for.

You Know You’re Getting Too Old Too F#*”king Fast When…

Camryn, 7: “Hey Mom…what is this thing?”
Mommy: “It’s a VHS tape of my wedding.”
Camryn, 7: “Um, ok. Well, what do you do with it?”
Mommy: “You watch it.”
Camryn, 7: “Like how? Is this from the old days when you were really little? Like when TV was in black and white? Do you put it in some sort of box or something to watch it?”
Mommy: “Yep. Exactly. A dinosaur delivered a box at the door of our cave and we all sat around and watched black and white VHS movies together.”
Camryn: “I knew it.”

I AM MOM…

…And today I bravely take on the role of camp counselor…

Welcome to Camp Mommy.
Day 1 of 5.
Today’s lesson is how to conquer a mile long to do list.
With the bribe of a trip to the movies thrown into the mix for cooperation, good behavior and minimal whining.

Mini Me’s…

Except when they’re whining, doing something wrong or being straight up annoying…then not so much.
On those occasions, we blame Daddy’s genes.

Reese’s Penises…

This may or may not have been the highlight of my day. I may or may not need to think about finally growing up and acting like a respectable adult already…

Olivia, 5: “Mommy, Mommy! I just saw a commercial on tv and we so have to go to Hershey Park for a trip! You know why?”
Mommy: “No, enlighten me.”
Olivia, 5: “You might not even believe this but they really said they have REESE’S PENISES there! We so have to go!”
Mommy: (gasping for air while laughing so hard she comes frighteningly close to peeing in her pants) “Why yes dear. It seems we do have to go there then.”

Consider Yourself Warned, Little Lady…

Dear Back-Talking Sassy Pants Daughter of Mine,

Did ya see that? That was Mommy’s last ounce of patience flying right out of the damn window. Now cut that back talking shit out. Like now. Consider yourself lucky to have received this warning. However, it’s most likely your last of the day so choose your words wisely, little lady.

With Love,
Mommy

The Favorite Child of The Day Award…

And the award for my favorite child of the day goes to the one who did NOT feel the need to tell me, “Um, Mommy, ya know? When you walk your legs shake” as I was getting dressed this morning.
Because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

Parenthood Mystery #45,798:

Your child claims to always hate and straight up refuses to eat whatever it is you busted your ass to serve them for dinner…until approximately an hour later when he/she comes across you enjoying your very own plate of that same food at which time they suddenly decide they now love chicken parmesan and in the blink of an eye half of your meal is g-o-n-e.
Without fail.
Every f#*king time.
At just about every f#*king meal.

Motherhood: Taking Exhausted To New Levels.

Dear Kids,
As the day comes to a close, please let it be duly noted that Mommy is quickly approaching levels of sheer exhaustion never experienced before. Please stand back at least 500 feet for the remainder of the evening and obey all commands to go to bed without the need to exit your rooms for “emergencies” such as another cup of water, to kiss the dog goodnight or beg for just one more storybook. Consider this your warning. And don’t forget, even when Mommy can barely see straight, stand up, form a coherent sentence or remember your name…she still loves you.

With Love,
Mommy

Summer Vacation…

And just like that it has crept up on me once again.
Summer vacation is officially here.
Just the thought puts me one step closer to insanity.
Let the fun begin…

I Think I Can…

Only two hours, twenty-seven minutes and fifteen seconds to go until my own personal version of happy hour or better known as that heavenly hour of peace and quiet between when the kids finally go to bed and I finally get to crawl into my own bed.
But hey, who’s counting?
This lady right here.
That’s who.
I think I can. I think I can…

Oh, You Want The Wifi Password?

Dear Kids,

I desperately want a day free of having to endure listening to you whine, talk back and question each and everything I say. You want the wifi password. Do your part and I’ll do mine. Any questions?

With Love,
Mommy

Happy Father’s Day

Wishing all the Dads, Grandpas, and Uncles a happy, happy Father’s Day filled with whatever it is that makes you smile…

Twenty Things A Father Should Tell His Daughter…
1) Pay attention to the way a man loves his mother. That is the way he will love you.

2) You can do anything a man can do, including organic chemistry, unclogging toilets and assembling IKEA furniture.

3) Older women wear makeup so THEY can look like YOU. Less is more. A lot less is a lot more.

4) People will judge you by the way you look. It isn’t fair, but it’s the way the world works. Keep that in mind as you pick your outfit in the morning.

5) Never let anyone do your thinking for you. There are far too many people with far too much invested in you believing what they believe.

6) Liberal arts grow your mind. Science and business keep you fed. You will need both.

7) Nothing is more attractive than intelligence.

8) Learn to drive a stick-shift.

9) Get comfortable with power tools.

10) You don’t have to enjoy them, but have a working knowledge of the rules for football and baseball.

11) Know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, and the key players in both.

12) You don’t have to *DO* anything for someone to love you. The right person will cross a desert just for the chance to sit next to you at lunch.

13) Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you’ll never have to “fit in”. People will come to you.

14) The fastest way to strain a relationship with a man is to bring up old drama. We can’t remember to hang up the bath towel. What makes you think we remember that stupid thing we did 6 months ago?

15) If a man genuinely loves you, he will let you set the boundaries. Don’t let anyone take something from you they can’t give back. You set the tone for the sexual relationship.

16) Feminie hygiene products — Where our daughters are concerned, we would be very happy sticking our fingers in our ears and saying “lalalalalalalala”. Please respect our need to pretend they, and the reason for them, do not exist. The same goes for lacy underthings.

17) You were flawless the day you were born. If you must go get that first tattoo, please consider inviting your daddy to come and get his first tattoo with you.

18) You are perfect the way you roll out of bed. Let’s be clear: all that crap you do to “get out the door” is for everyone else’s benefit.

19) Though he may be smiling on the outside, when you leave for college your father is falling apart on the inside. Don’t forget to call him that first night to tell him you love him.

20) Compare every single boy you ever meet to your daddy. Nobody will love you like he does.

Source: Dorkdaddy.com

Mommy of the Year 2013 Slipping From My Hands…

Yep. All day today. This gal right here. Damn it.

A Reminder…

Ever have one those days when you repeatedly lose your patience, scream so loud it would make Mommie Dearest shudder with fear, and then head off to bed overwhelmed with Mommy guilt while swearing up and down tomorrow you will do a better job?
Yeah, me too.
Like, today.
But then sometimes, out of nowhere, a little something happens to make you stop, take a deep breath and realize that maybe you aren’t really doing such a shitty job after all…

Top Ten Names My Daughters Would Like Me To Give To Their Baby Brother…

1. Angus (as in beef as well as some male character on some random Nickelodeon show they are obsessed with this week)
2. Ash (as in some weird looking guy from that super weird and extremely disturbing Pokeman cartoon)
3. Kipper (as in so they can say his name with a thick British accent like they do in that cartoon about a dog named Kipper)
4. Trevor (as in because they have a friend who has a baby brother who is “cute and doesn’t cry a lot” who is named this)
5. Chuck (as in a tribute to their favorite Peanuts character, Charlie Brown)
6. Sacagawea (as in the Native American they recently learned about in school and can’t get enough of hearing themselves say it over and over and over again)
7. Oshawott (as in another freaky looking Pokemon character with another freaky name who speaks in tongues)
8. Chocolate Chip Cookie (as in because “everyone loves chocolate chip cookies, right?”)
9. Timmy Turner (as in the irritating, buck-toothed main character on that annoying show, The Fairly Odd Parents)
10. Shutup (as in “so when the teacher asks him what his name is he gets to tell her to shutup”)
*Any and all ideas for baby boy names, except any of the ones listed, are welcomed and encouraged. Go. Please and thank you.

Mommy’s Official Top 10 List of Things I Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days…

Mommy’s Official Top 10 List of…
Things I Really Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:
1. Going to the bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.
2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese, olives or any other of my favorite ingredients.
3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:12 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”
4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to strategically lower the volume at each swear word.
5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that damn muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.
6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait an extra thirty-seven minutes for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker, a plastic tambourine, and thirteen Pokeman cards for the ten minute car ride to the store.
7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and/or fend off beggars with my spoon or bare hands.
8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s right before checkout time.
9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in highly embarrassing library overdue fines.
10. And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my f#*king pants.

I’m An Addict…

Hello.
My name is Mommy and I’m a Candy Crush addict…

We’ll See, But Count On Hell’s No…

Camryn, 7: “Hey Mom, you know where we haven’t been in a really long time?”
Mommy: “Where’s that, Cam?”
Camryn, 7: “Chuck E. Cheese.”
Mommy:
Camryn, 7: “So what do you say? Can we go tomorrow?”
Mommy: “We’ll see.”
“Which actually translates to… f#*k no! Because there’s no f#*king way in hell I’m stepping foot into that no good dirty rodent Chuck’s germ factory today, tomorrow, or ever again. Oh, and Mommy loves you.”

Olivia Gace, er Grace…

Mommy’s Epiphany of the Day #45,678:
While sifting through the 1,567+ worksheets, coloring pages, and school notices in Olivia’s folder this afternoon, I stumbled upon this gem. And while I find it rather impressive that my five-year-old knows of and can properly spell the word inquisitive, I also find it rather entertaining that she has yet to master that there’s an “r” in her middle name.
Damn, I love this kid.
Even if she can’t spell Grace.

21+ Questions…

*The following is just a small…very, very, very small, sampling of the plethora of questions posed to me by five-year-old Olivia at some point during the day today. Apparently, I am not only a Mommy, but also a f#*king encyclopedia of information on everything and anything….including Justin Beaver.

“Mommy…
Why is Daddy so hairy?
Will I be hairy when I grow up too?
Um, how come sometimes when I push really hard to make a fart poopy slips out into my underwear?
Can I just have one more Oreo even though that will make it seven all together in my belly?
I know you said go to bed like an hour ago, but is it okay if I just ask you one last really, super important question about that new Justin Beaver song first?
Mommy, why aren’t you answering me…..?
Mommy, are you listening?
Mom, mommy, ma, mama, mum, mummy, mom!?”

Momcation

What’s your idea of a kickass momcation?

Some other examples of a momcation include, but are not limited to the following…
1. eating a salad without little hands swiping the bacon bits before you have a chance to indulge in the tasty morsels of goodness
2. completing a telephone call from start to finish without having to repeatedly apologize to the caller for the obnoxiously loud, whining children tugging on your leg in the background
3. Enjoying the sweet, sweet sounds of silence and the absence of hearing the word “mommy” for more than three minutes straight

It’s a Boy!

Top Ten Reasons I am Secretly Panicking About Giving Birth To A Baby Boy…
1. He has a weiner.
2. I don’t even know where the hell the boy section is in Target.
3. I have compiled a list of twenty-seven girl names I love. I don’t even have a list of boy names but if I did it would have zero names on it.
4. He has a weiner.
5. I know all there is to know about princesses, Justin Beiber, fairies, and have finally mastered the art of recreating the latest braid hairstyles. I know nothing about and have absolutely no interest in learning about Thomas the Train, Star Wars, G.I. Joe and bugs.
6. I have an attic filled with bins that are overstuffed with baby clothes. Every single item of clothing and matching accessory is some shade of pink and/or purple and most likely has glitter on it.
7. I’m already having nightmares and cold sweats about the whole being attacked by streams of piss during diaper changes thing I’ve been hearing so much about amongst other mommies of boys.
8. He has a weiner.
9. Boy clothes only seem to come in navy blue, baby blue, red, or black and rarely come with adorable, fun accessories such as shimmery headbands, flower hair clips, and sparkly shoes. BORING.
10. W-E-I-N-E-R.

When Kids Scream…Like Raving Lunatics Over Nothing At All…

Mommy: (running, at full speed, towards the children’s shrieks while experiencing the beginnings of a full blown panic attack) “Oh my god! What happened? What’s the matter? Who’s hurt? Why are you screaming like a raving lunatic loud enough for people four towns over to hear you?”
Camryn, 7: “Well Mom, it’s really, really bad this time. Olivia won’t give me a turn on the swing.”

Friday Night…Mommy Style.

Woo hoo! It’s Friday night up in here!
Which means one thing and one thing only.
Absolutely nothing.
Because I am a parent.
So, bring on the pizza, the beer, the old DVR’d episodes of bad reality tv and falling asleep on the couch by 9:12 pm.
This is the living on the edge.
This is Friday night, ya’ll…
Mommy style.

The Real Status Update…

What Their Facebook Status Says:
“What a wonderful day my perfect little angels and I had today. We all awoke super early so we could get out and enjoy a perfect day filled with rainbows, sunshine, butterflies, and unicorns. We had so much fun prancing through a field of perfect daisies, discussing such thought-provoking topics such as why the sky is blue and how come puppies are so cute. At bedtime, we leisurely chatted about how absolutely fabulous and perfect our day will be again tomorrow in the land of make believe.”

What Their Facebook Status Really Means:
“I woke up to two children screaming at each other like rabid animals over which tv show to watch at 5:58 am. Again. I spent the rest of the day refereeing thier constant battles, cleaning up after their messes, doing their laundry, taming their countless meltdowns and tantrums, answering all of their 457,339 questions about such topics as, why they are not allowed to eat chocolate cake for breakfast everyday, why Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up, and why girls have a pagina but boys have that stick thingy with those two round things under it. When my prayers were answered and bedtime finally rolled around, I was too damn tired to discuss what tomorrow will bring for us, but all signs point to an instant replay of today’s bullshit because that’s how us not-so-perfect moms roll in the land of motherhood.”

Because It’s NEVER A Good Time…

Mommy: (somehow manages to both hear the phone ringing over the cacophony of sounds in the house and locate it before the answering machine picks up)
Random Caller: “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me, ma’am?”
Mommy: “Yep. Loud and clear.”
Random Caller: “Wow. Sounds like this is a really bad time for you, eh?”
Mommy: “Well, since you asked. No. And it ain’t going to get much better than this and beggars can’t be choosers, so it’s really now or never, sir. So, let’s have it.”
Random Caller: (awkward silence)
Mommy: (click)

Because I’m The Mom…

Dear Kids,
Why won’t I let you have seconds for dessert, get a pet pony and name it Buttercup, take monthly trips to Disneyworld, watch the entire Spongebob Squarepants marathon on tv, stay up four hours past your bedtime, have a full-fledged dance party at 6:02 am, or have access to my secrect stash of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream? Well, it’s pretty simple so here goes…I’m the mom and f#*king said so. And that’s one to grow on little ones.

With Love Always,
Mommy

The Official List of Top Ten Reasons I Was a Good Mom Today…

The Official List of Top Ten Reasons I Was a Good Mom Today…

1. I fed the kids breakfast, lunch, and dinner…even though I just did it yesterday.
2. I sacrificed most, if not all, the whipped cream off the top of my ice cream sundae so that my five-year-old daughter could have double on hers.
3. I particpated in an in-depth, detailed conversation with my seven year old about which One Direction member is the cutest and why while sitting on the toilet behind a locked bathroom door trying to take care of my business.
4. I didn’t begin yelling about such things as messy rooms, dirty clothes on the floor, and orange cheese puff stains on the wall until the clock struck 11:42 AM, which is a new world record around these parts.
5. I answered all 465,986 of five-year-old Olivia’s questions today without losing my patience, yet in all honesty was dangling off the ledge by question number 32 about why the cat’s butthole is always showing because her tail sticks straight up.
6.Though begrudgingly, while riding in the car, I gave into the kids’ pleas to turn off my all time favorite Jay Z song so they could listen to Demi Lovato whine about having a heart attack on the other radio station.
7. Rather than blow a gasket and pull a Mommie Dearest over it, I chose to take a deep breath, count to ten and remind myself that all it takes is one good scrubbing in the tub to get rid of all the mud the kids manged to get on every square inch of their bodies while playing “mud pie restaurant” in the backyard.
8. I played not one, not two, but seven rounds of Chutes and Ladders. In a row. There is no other board game I loathe
more than Chutes and Ladders. And none that lasts longer.
9. I let both kids stay up fifteen minutes past their bedtime just because they were so freaking cute snuggling up against me as I read them bedtime stories that I couldn’t bear to let the moment go so fast.
10. Although I can think of and am giving it my all not to obsess over the at least fifty things I did today that make me feel like I was a bad mom, I created this list to remind myself that even though everyday may not be good, there’s something good in everyday. And that tomorrow’s another day. And even though it will most likely be peppered with some yelling, some patience being lost, and lots of Mommy guilt, it’s going to be a good one.

One Bad Bitch…

Throw in some laundry getting done, the dishwasher getting unloaded, the bedsheets getting changed, dinner getting cooked, and both kids in bed without any “emergency exits” by 8:03 pm… and just like that I’m feeling like a s-u-p-e-r f#*king bad bitch today.
I am Mommy. Hear me roar. Like a boss.

The Precious Things…

To My Two Precious Children,

Thank you for making me realize I have reserves of patience I never knew any human coud possibly have in order to deal with your category 5 tantrums, whining, and endless questions about why the sky is blue, where babies come from, and why it is just not ok to have half a box of Oreo’s and a side of chocolate pudding for dinner. Thank you for enlightening me that even though I can’t see straight and slur my words all day long, I can pretty much on less than an hour’s worth of sleep. Thank you for making me so insane that I don’t even miss my sanity anymore. And last, but not least, thank you for your company and poop-themed jokes each and every time my ass hits the toilet seat to take care of business.

Forever Grateful,
Your Exhausted, Impatient, Certifiably Crazy, Stinky Poop Making Mom

Things They Fail To Tell You BEFORE You Become a Parent #467:

You may one day receive a phone call from the school nurse to inform you that while at lunch, your child came up with the awesome idea to shove an orange seed into her ear canal and was super successful at getting it wedged so far in there, that the remainder of your day will be spent sitting at the doctor’s to have it removed and after the f#*king copay has been paid, you will become be the not-so-proud owner of a $40.00 orange seed.
And that’s one to grow on…

Dare To Dream…

Because one day…
I WILL take a trip to the bathroom by myself, eat the olives in my salad before two grubby little hands are able to swipe them, watch a tv show not geared for the seven and under set, and update my Facebook status in peace.
Maybe not today. Probably not tomorrow.
But one day.
Because dreams really do come true…right?

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Most Annoying Children’s TV Shows…

It has rained all day today. And so in typical rainy day fashion, the tv has gotten quite a workout ’round these parts today. My brain is currently on overload as the super irritating sounds that can only be heard on super annoying children’s television shows echo through my head.
This brush with complete and utter insanity led me to dig up the following…

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Most Annoying Children’s TV Shows and Why They Suck As Much As They Do…

1. Calliou – Because if I really want to listen to a whiny kid, I can just turn the tv off and listen to my own.
2. Max and Ruby – Because while watching the bossy pants big sister tell her brother what to do I am continuously wondering where the hell are thier damn parents to put her ass in a time out?
3. Wonder Pets – Because no children’s show should teach kids it’s ok to speak like a fuzzy little duckling with a terrible speech impediment that gets around in a flying boat.
4. Dora The Explorer and/or Go Diego Go – Because there just aren’t too many things that are creepier than that way they stare at you while waiting you to answer their asinine questions, such as, Have you seen the pygmy marmoset in the jungle?
5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse – Because the sound of Mickey calling out to that Toodles contraption is enough to make my skin crawl.
6. Spongebob – Because any show that teaches my young impressionable kids to incorporate such words as diarrhea, stupid and idiot into their everyday vocabulary is an epic fail in my book.
7. The Wiggles – Because when that happy-go-lucky quartet of men begin singing a song about fruit salad being yummy, yummy I contemplate punching the tv screen.
8. Teletubbies – Because brightly colored, alien-esque looking creatures with shapes on their heads who speak in some weird, disturbing language simply scare the living shit out of me.
9. Veggie Tales – Because when vegetables begin singing songs that preach about god and loving thy neighbor I have no choice but to forcefully hit the power button the tv.
10. Barney – Because any show that stars an oversized, purple, talking dinosaur dancing around with “kids” who are clearly way too old to even be on the show deserves to be criticized, ridiculed and boycotted by parents everywhere.

Patience Reserves Are LOW!

Dear Kids,
Alert! Alert! Mommy’s patience reserves are at an all-time low.
I repeat.
Patience reserves are dangerously low today.
Please refrain from any whining and be sure to remain at least 500 feet away all times throughout the day.
Consider this your warning.

With Love,
Mommy

Living On the Edge…

Pushing the limits tonight. It’s 9:25 pm and I am still awake.
Who’s living on the edge this Friday night?
This crazy lady right here.
That’s who.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pissed Off Mom…

Dear Obnoxious, Super Irritating and Straight Up Ignorant Lady Who Felt It Necessary to Scream at My Kids to Stop Walking On The Edge of Her Lawn After School Today When They Were Simply Trying to Avoid Stepping Into Oncoming Traffic,

Expect us again tomorrow. Same time. Same lawn. But this time we’ll have the dog with us too. And I guarantee you that little furball WILL shit on your lawn and give you something to really bitch about. Consider yourself warned. Just saying.

Signed,
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pissed Off Mom

Top Ten Reasons I Know I’ve Got a Bun In the Oven…

Top Ten Reasons I Know I’ve Got a Bun In the Oven…
1. My breasts and areolas have grown three sizes overnight, ache and throb like it’s their job, and are now pouring out of the top of my bra.
2. I have suddenly spotted cellulite on random parts of my body I never even knew could get cellulite on them.
3. I find myself saying a desperate prayer I don’t pee in my pants every single time I cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. I am plagued by morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness that leaves me dry heaving over the porcelain throne.
5. I am emitting gas from both ends of my body that sounds and smells so bad it rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence.
6. I can almost hear my regular jeans yelling “f#*k you!” as I force them over my expanding belly and have to finally give in to wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans.
7. I truly see no other choice but to give in to the nagging cravings for egg salad on an everything bagel, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. I discovered I am gaining weight so fast I swear I can feel myself getting fatter by the minute. This is confirmed by both the number on the scale and my five-year-old incessantly asking me why I am getting so fat.
9. I no longer have the ability to see anything past my huge belly to check if my legs are hairier than my husband’s and desperately in need of a shave.
10. I now have a complete understanding of the nightmare that is hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world. Ouch.

Hilariuos…

Like Mother, Like Daughter…
Five-year-old Olivia was asked to choose one word that describes her best and then write it in a sentence while at school today.
This was the result.
And reason# 998,345,126 why I freaking love this kid.
Even if she can’t spell hilarious correctly.

Procrastinating Procrastination…

Because when the mountains of laundry, piles of dirty dishes, obnoxiously messy bedrooms, and sticky crumb-covered floors are calling my name I prioritize and do what’s REALLY important…
like wasting a minimun of a half hour carefully reading through everybody’s super interesting status updates about what they are cooking for dinner, how much they hate the weather, and all those stupid, yet oddly entertaining, images of cats with speech bubbles coming out of their little cat mouths.
True story.

The Top 10 Things I Really, Really, Really Wish Someone Had Found It In Their Heart To Tell Me BEFORE I Became a Mom:

Because more days than not I stumble, fall flat on my face, and suddenly realize this whole motherhood thing ain’t no joke.
And so was born…
The Top 10 Things I Really, Really, Really Wish Someone Had Found It In Their Heart To Tell Me BEFORE I Became a Mom:

1. Take pride in and fully enjoy the fact you can sneeze, cough, and laugh without peeing in your pants because in your post-baby days that luxury will be a distant memory.
2. You will lose your patience. Sometimes you will yell. Loud. Very f#*king loud. Occasionally, you may even spit and stutter while you yell. Quite often you will find you are acting like the exact opposite of the parent you imagined you’d be.
3. You will learn how to pee, shit, shave and shower with an audience because those are the times all the “emergencies” will occur and your kid will need you the most.
4. You will quickly master the skill of navigating all stores in such a manner as to completely avoid the toy department or any department that may have toys strategically placed at your child’s eye level.
5. Make it a priority to hide the good chocolate. And the good cookies. And that pint of good ice cream. Preferably somewhere up high. Very high. And do not take it out until after you are absolutely sure the kids have fallen asleep for the night.
6. Wear a wetsuit and goggles while bathing your child. Flippers are optional. Be on guard and prepared to handle approximately three foot wave swells as your child attempts to swim, perform tricks with their bath toys and blow bubbles in the tub.
7. Master the art of dodging legos, matchbox cars, and other razor sharp toys while walking through the house. Doing so will help you in avoiding ER trips to get your foot stitched back together.
8. Practice and perfect the skill of locating a micro-sized piece of a toy on the car floor, changing the radio station and refereeing a full out brawl between your children while attempting to drive 55 mph on the highway in order to avoid being late for your Mommy and Me class.
9. You will be able to wipe butts, de-booger noses and clean up puke without gagging, dry heaving or vomiting yourself.
10. Be fully aware that motherhood is a crazy, scary and straight up exhausting ride that is not for the overly sensitive, easily traumatized or weak of heart. Know that even with all the diaper blowouts, tantrums, snotty noses, sleepless nights, back talk and whining, if given the choice, you’d never have it any other way, because this is exactly where you want to be.

Well Played, McDonald’s. Well Played…

~ Happy Mother’s Day ~

Wishing all the grandmas, mommies, and aunts a happy, happy Mother’s Day filled with whatever it is that makes you smile…whether it may be lots of kick ass gifts, to sleep in past 7:00 am or to sucessfully complete a trip to the bathroom without any three foot tall intruders barging in demanding a juice box.
xoxo

Saturday Night:Mommy Style…

Because some nights true happiness is as simple as a couple of sleeping kids, a pair of fuzzy sweatpants, a super-sized bowl of the secret stash of Haagen Dazs ice cream, and the sweet sounds of silence.
Welcome to Saturday night…Mommy style.
Holla.

The Top Ten List of Things Mommy REALLY Wants For Mother’s Day…

The Top Ten List of Things
Mommy REALLY Wants This Mother’s Day:

1. A full-time chef who prepares three healthy meals a day, plus snacks, that my children actually eat with making overly dramatic gagging noises.
2. A maid who specializes in all phases of laundry, scrubbing toilets, washing dishes and vacuuming up obnoxious amounts of dog and cat fur.
3. A nanny, who has the ability to tame category 5 tantrums, keep my kids from whining, and able to keep my kids smiling, however she cannot be prettier, skinnier or funnier than I am.
4. An uninterrupted night of sleep void of children begging and pleading to take up residence in my bed rather than theirs at approximately 12:01, 1:48, 3:00, 3:52, 4:00, and 4:17 AM.
5. The ability to take a shit, shower and shave without 3 foot tall visitors demanding another glass of milk, another episode of Spongebob Squarepants or assistance wiping their butt or nose.
6. A privacy glass divider to be used at my discretion and as necessary to drown out any whining, moaning, complaining, or bickering while driving with the kids in the backseat of the car.
7. The ability to eat lunch without tiny grabbing hands clawing at my salad attempting to steal the croutons, bacon bits, shreds of cheese and olives for themselves.
8. Weekly kid-free trips to Target at which time I can leisurely stroll the store without having to put into action a strategic plan of attack in order to avoid the toy aisles while shopping for crap I don’t really even need but always seem to find a reason to justify buying anyway.
9. The ability to indulge in various periods of silence throughout the day to dedicate to reading and finally finishing a library book without having to owe $14.25 in overdue fines.
10. An year long supply of wine, Tylenol, chocolate, and pints of Ben And Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream to last me until next Mother’s Day.

The Joy of Dinnertime Preparation…

Wednesday, 5:27 pm…
Olivia, 5: “Mooooomy! So, what’s for dinner tonight anyways?”
Mommy: “Um, it’s a surprise, but don’t worry I got this.”
(And it was about that time I crossed my fingers as I slowly opened the kitchen cabinet. And just like that my prayers were answered. Because nestled right between a can of corn and a box of Cocoa Krispies there it was. My saving grace. A beautiful blue box of Kraft mac and cheese. Dinner is served. Mission accomplished. Holla.)

Dear Mommy McPerfect…

Dear Mommy Mc Perfect,

About all those nauseating perfect status updates about your perfect days and nights with your perfect little angel child…
You sit on a throne of lies.
Now cut that shit out.

Sincerely,
Mommy Mc Not-So Perfect and Proud

Exahusted…

The True Story of A Night in the Life of a Super Exhausted Mommy…
8:03 pm: “Mommy, can you lay with me until I fall asleep?”
8:46 pm: “Mommy, are you sleeping? Because I’m not even sleeping yet.”
9:02 pm: “Mommy, you can’t leave my bed yet. I’m STILL up.”
11:13 pm:
1:58 am: “Wake up, Mommy because I just wanted to tell you something really important which actually is that I’m going to use the potty to make pee pee.”
2:43 am: “Mommy, I am so hungry. I really think I need a snack.”
2:48 am: “Um, ya know? Soon it will be dawn outside. Do you know what dawn means? Want me to tell you all about it?”
4:18 am: “I’M GONNA POP SOME TAGS. ONLY GOT TWENTY DOLLARS IN MY POCK-ET!”
4:21 am:
7:30 am:

Bon Appetit…

Dear Kids,
Tonight’s menu choices shall include your choice of one of Mommy’s tried and true culinary favorites which include mac and cheese from the blue box made with lots of love, a neatly trimmed crustless pb & j sandwich, or a plate filled with that breakfast for dinner trick which never seems to get old around here.
Bon appetit, little ones. Bon appetit.

With Love,
Mommy

Hoarders vs. Kids…

Five minutes on a good day, maybe.
My little gems have been known to turn an entire house upside down in less than three.
Sad, yet true story.

Don’t Be That Someone…

Because there’s always a few in every bunch…

The Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift…

Dear Kids,
Forget the flowers, the cards, and that whole breakfast in bed thing. All I want for Mother’s Day is an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom. Thanks so much for you cooperation in making my Mother’s Day dreams come true.

With Love and Eternal Gratitude,
Mommy

They Listen! They Really Do Listen!

That shocking, mind-blowing and straight up exhilarating moment at approximately 8:00 am when you realize the kids got dressed, brushed their teeth, tamed their hair, poured their own cereal and milk and tied their own shoes when it suddenly dawns on you…
Holy shit!
These kids actually do listen to me after all.
Holy. F#*king. Shit.

Parenting…

Just when you thought cutting the crusts of that pb & j sandwich before you slipped it into their lunchbox this morning won you some bonus Mommy of the Year Award points…along comes Mommy McPerfect with this creation to knock you right on your sorry ass.

The Official Top Ten List of the Worst Pregnancy Side Effects…

The Official Top Ten List of the Worst Pregnancy Side Effects…

1. The joy of sore, aching, throbbing boobs with silver-dollar sized areolas pouring out of your bra.
2. Sitting back helplessly while watching cellulite make a permanent home on parts of your body you didn’t know could even get cellulite on them.
3. Saying a prayer you don’t pee in your pants again every single time you cough, sneeze, laugh, breathe or bend over to pick something up.
4. Morning, mid-morning, early afternoon, late afternoon and evening sickness.
5. Endless gas from both ends of your body that sounds and smells so bad it rivals that of a 400 pound man’s flatulence.
6. Wearing those super high-waisted, super awkward looking, and straight up super hideous maternity jeans.
7. Having no choice but to give in to the cravings for Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, egg salad on an everything bagel, green olives, and orange juice which are not always, but on occasion, all consumed together in one sitting.
8. Gaining weight so fast you swear you can feel yourself getting fatter by the minute.
9. Not having the ability to see anything past your huge belly to check if your legs are hairier than your husband’s and desperately in need of a shave again.
10. Those pesky hemorrhoids which, without a shadow of a doubt, were sent straight from the devil above to torture pregnant women all over the world. Ouch.

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of Lies I Tell My Children…

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of:
Lies I Admit I Tell My Children on a Regular Basis:
1. “I love all my children equally.”
(But, at the end of the day, whichever one of them whined the least gets an extra scoop of ice cream at dessert)
2. “Yes, I swear. There really is a Santa Claus, an Easter Bunny, and leprechauns.
(And if you truly believe a fat, white-bearded man, a supersized, basket-toting rabbit, and a troublemaking pint-sized elfish man not only come waltzing through your house once a year but also keep a watchful eye on you to make sure your behavior is in check, so be it. Like I always say, go with whatever works.)
3. “I just don’t know where those last three Double Stuff Oreo’s that were just on the counter went.
(Damn, I almost forgot how much I love Double Stuff Oreos)
4. “Our television will blow up if we try to make it show us Caillou, Dora, or The Wonder Pets.”
(Or any other show with an annoying theme song for that matter)
5. “There’s nothing more I’d like to do than buy you a pet rabbit, turtle, ferret, parakeet, snake, hamster, and a tarantula, but believe it or not, Mommy’s super allergic to them all.”
(Actually it turns out Mommy’s allergic to anything else entering this house that needs to be fed, watered or needs any other type of demand met)
6. “Ok, sure. I’ll be there in one minute.”
(Well, in reality, probably more likely at that moment I hear screaming, glass shattering, or fire burning, but eventually I’ll get there)
7. The radio in Mommy’s car just can’t play One Direction, Justin Bieber, Kesha, or that annoying “Call Me Maybe” song.
(Oh yeah, and any of those wretched Kidz Bops CD’s, Radio Disney, or any other song on the current Top 20 list)
8. “No, of course I didn’t throw away those 37 worksheets you brought home from school this past week. It totally looks like the wind blew them into the garbage can.”
(And strategically hid them beneath 8 layers of trash to camouflage them so you’d never learn the harsh truth that I don’t save every single piece of paper you bring home from school)
9. “What’s that sound? That’s the ice cream man playing his music. He does that to let us all know he ran out of ice cream. Maybe he’ll get some more really soon.”
(And of course tomorrow night, at the precise moment I am about to put dinner on the table, that bastard will roll on by our house blaring his obnoxious music in an attempt to hypnotize all the children within a fifty mile radius to beg, plead and cry for some of his ice cream treats)
10. “Every time you whine, a fairy dies.”
(And so does a little part of Mommy’s sanity. So cut that shit out already)

MOM…

MOM: housekeeper, chef, teacher, nurse, coach, chauffeur, butt wiper, monster slayer, events planner, short order cook, organizer, decorator, hair stylist, crafter, snot wiper, best friend, dishwasher, launderer, baker, counselor, tear wiper, bodyguard, story teller, therapist, fort builder, tantrum tamer, multi-tasking expert, wonder woman…and I f#*king do everything.

There’s Always Tomorrow…

Because some days, much like today, in between the trying to make sure I do everything right, there’s a bit of yelling, some losing of my patience, and a whole lot of me reminding myself that tomorow is a new day without any mistakes in it yet.

Feeling Smart?

Because the fear and nausea that strike when I stumble upon such words as geometry, vertices, trapezoids, and hexagons are straight up debilitating. True story.

Top Ten List of Before I Was a Mom I Swore I’d Never…

Mommy’s Not-So-Proud, Yet Official Top Ten List of:
Before I Was a Mom, I Swore I’d Never ______________.

1. Scream. Loud. Like really f#*king loud by the time the clock strikes 7:46 am.
2. Spit uncontrollably all over the place, including some in my child’s face, while screaming really f#*king loud at 7:46, 8:32, 8:57, 9:12, and 9:34 AM.
3. Lie right to my child’s face and say the dog got it when they ask where that last piece of the Hershey’s chocolate bar they left on the counter went.
4. Truly begin to believe sitting on a toilet behing a locked door for more than two minutes straight is the equivalent to a mini vacation in a faraway tropical island.
5. Consider my own saliva to be an acceptable and appropriate substitute to clean my child’s oreo covered face when I realize I once again ran out of wet wipes needed do the job.
6. Allow myself to indulge in five minutes more of sleep in the morning while knowing damn well it’ll cost me at least another thirty to clean up the mess the kids will undoubtedly make in every other room in the house.
7. Always have to sift through mountainfuls of crushed goldfish crackers, six or more half eaten lollipops, and a whole box of broken crayons to find a freaking penny when standing at the checkout counter.
8. Use phrases I promised myself I’d never use which include, but are not limited to, “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”, “Why must I repeat myself like a broken record?”, and “I hope you have a daughter just like you someday!”
9. Count the minutes until bedtime rolls around because I can hardly wait for the joy that is silence, the freedom to switch the tv channel from Nick Jr. to Fox, and to dive into a super-sized bowl of the secretly hidden ice cream.
10. Lay my exhausted body down in my bed each night and think to myself “How the hell did I make it throught his day in once piece” while simultaneously realizing I can’t wait to hop back on the crazy train again tomorrow.

Motherhood…

making women stronger and bringing them closer to absolute insanity than they ever thought was f#*king possible…one temper tantrum at a time.

The Countdown…

Because it’s T-minus nine hours, 32 minutes, and seven seconds til the babysitter arrives for the rare and highly coveted Saturday night out sans kids, but I mean, who’s counting, right?
This gal right here, that’s who.
Nine hours, 31 minutes, and 56 seconds….

Clueless…

Especially when I have no f#*king clue what I’m doing.
Shhh. Don’t tell anyone.

A Mother’s Work Is Just Never F#*king Done…

Because it simply wasn’t enough that I have officially mastered the Mommy skill of making sure my daughter is fully dressed, hair brushed, and accessorized in time for school to begin…so now it appears I also have to worry about whether or not her damn doll is presentable and ready to start her day as well.

Mini Me…

Unless she’s whining, talking back, or having one of her signature category 5 temper tantrums.
Then, she’s all Daddy.
True story.

My Very Own Army…

The sad, often entertaning, slightly ridiculous and completely 100% true story of my life.
A great big thank you to this e-card for the morning laugh that helped ease the burn of day #11 of school vacation.
I think I can. I think I can…

Mission Accomplished x 3…

Because today alone I faced and conquered some of my most deeply-rooted motherhood fears which include, but are not limited to, fully brushing five-year-old Olivia’s bedhead rat’s nest head of hair while she let out her signature cat-being-skinned-like shrieks right into my left ear, attempted a solo and successful visit to the bathroom to shit, shower, and shave, and last but not least, lived to tell the tale of a field trip to Target with a shopping list of more than five items in my hand and both the kids right behind me incessantly begging for “just a quick peek at the toy aisles” from the moment we walked through the doors until the moment we exited the store.
Motherhood.
All you have to fear is fear itself.
Or maybe those pesky tantrums, messy diaper blowouts or that endless checklist of excuses why they simply can’t go to bed on time, yet again.
Because, let’s admit it, those things are straight up terrifying, eh?

Funny Shit My Kid Said #967,058:

Mommy: “So Camryn. Now that you’re seven, do you REALLY believe that a huge bunny hopped through our house and left you that basket filled with candy on Easter this year?”
Camryn, 7: “Oh, of course not, Mommy.”
Mommy: “Ok, good. Glad we got that straightened out.”
Camryn, 7: “I mean come on, Mommy. Of course it wasn’t the Easter Bunny this year. There’s not a bunny track to be found in this house!”
Mommy: “Ah, let’s hold off on that whole Santa thing I wanted to discuss with you for another time, eh?”

True, Not-So-Proud, Mommy Confession of the Day #67,890:

True, Not-So-Proud, Mommy Confession of the Day #67,890:
On certain holidays that include giving the children gifts of candy, I rationalize making the kids share with me because I totally earned it by busting my ass playing the role of a fat, jolly, old man named Santa, a crazed, gold-digging leprechaun, and a human-sized, hopping bunny. Ain’t no shame in my game.

Same Shit. Different Friday…

Feed the kids.
Bathe the kids.
Read to the kids.
Put the kids to bed.
And that’s about when Mommy’s crazy wild Friday night chockful of sweatpants, gorging on a supersized bowl of the good ice cream with a side of those special hidden cookies, and falling asleep on the couch approximately seventeen minutes into watching last week’s DVR’d episode of The Office began.
Happy Friday Mommies.
Happy. Friday.

Keep Calm, Think Happy Thoughts, and Mommy On…

And nevermind that bagel that fell cream cheese side down on the seat of your car, or those scribbles of peace signs, cats, and lopsided hearts I drew all over that really important letter you accidentally left out on the kitchen counter, or that cup of sour milk you had the pleasure of stumbling upon that I forgot I hid under my bed sometime last week, or that I used your brand new super expensive lipstick to paint a detailed self-portrait on the bathroom mirror, or that I ate the very last brownie even though I knew you had your heart set on it for dessert since noon today, or that I hijacked your cell phone to play games and somehow erased emails, sent out numerous texts filled with jibberish, and may or may not have placed a call to China once or quite possibly even twice…

Funny Shit My Kid Said #998,456:

Camryn, 7: “Hey Mommy. You’re never going to believe this but my cousin Matthew is totally famous. I mean, his name is in this big chapter book I just found in the hotel drawer like a million, billion times! Check it out!”

Mommy Epiphany #45,678:

Because at that very moment, right about ten minutes after your kid should have already been asleep in bed for the night.
When you discover them walking down the hallway with a cup of water in their hand.
And you suddenly feel like you are about to go all Mommie Dearest on them for trying your patience like no other person on this earth has the ability to do.
Because, damn it! You made it a point to put a cup of water in their room to avoid this very bedroom exit “emergency” before tucking them in.
But then upon noticing your evil Mommie stare the kid looks you right in the eye and confidently, calmly, and with great pride declares, “Mommy. Don’t worry. This cup’s for the plant in my room because even though we gave him water for breakfast this morning we actually forgot to give him dinner, so that’s what I’m doing now.”
And just like that I actually stopped to give thanks for tonight’s bedroom exit “emergency,” because without it, that poor plant may have starved and I never would’ve ended my day laughing so hard I snorted.
Well played, child. Well played.

Toof Fairy…

Olivia, 5: “Mommy! Wook at dis! My toof is about to fwall out!”

Because every single time these kids loose a tooth I swear to myself that this will be the time I finally make it a point to remember to stash away a few bucks so I always have them handy to shove under their pillow after bedtime.
This will be tooth #8.
I never learn.

Wanted: A Mommy Breather

Or make a trip to the bathroom, take a bite of food, log on to the computer, sit in a chair or attempt anything else that is not directly related to me entertaining the children, answering their countless random questions, or fulfilling their never ending demands for juiceboxes, cheesesticks and various other “emergencies” that seem to pop up every single time I feel the need for a Mommy breather.
True story.
Without fail.
Every. F#*king. Time.
Holla if ya hear me.

Shit’s About To Get Real Up In Here…

Dear Daughter O’ Mine,

Listen. And Listen closely. One more “whatever,” “I don’t care,” and/or “it’s not fair” from you today and I can guarantee you shit’s going to get real up in here. I’m talking hand over the video games, forget about television and you can be sure as hell there will be no computer for a week kinda real. Consider yourself warned and proceed with caution.

With Love,
Mommy
aka: The Boss

PS: That whining shit’s gotta stop too. Just saying.

I Need To Remember…

I Need To Remember…
Because instead of worrying about peas left behind on the dinner plate, messy bedrooms, and dirty clothes scattered across the floor…
I need to remember she sung out the words, “Mommy, I love you!” upon greeting me first this morning.
I need to remember the love notes I sometimes stumble upon that she hides under my blanket to remind me she thinks I am the “best Mommy ever.”
I need to remember how she plops herself right on my lap, rests her head on my shoulder, and plays with my hair as we read bedtime stories before betime.
I need to remember when she tells me I am pretty as I wipe the morning crust from my eyes and adjust my wrinkled sweatpants.
I need to remember how she laughs at every single one of my jokes and then uses them on others to give someone else a smile.
I need to remember how she beams with pride and calls out “Everyone! Look! That’s my Momma!” as I step foot into her classroom to read a book to her class.
I need to remember the beautiful drawings of our family that she brings home from school that always have us all smiling and surrounded with hearts.
I need to remember.

Mommy’s Official List of Top Ten Mispronunciations My Kids Make…

Mommy’s Official List of Top Ten Mispronunciations My Kids Make
(and I refuse to correct because they make me laugh so hard I almost pee in my pants)…
1. Justice Beaver.
As in the sentence, “O-M-G! Is this Justice Beaver on the radio?!”
2. Dapossedta.
As in the sentence, “My mom said I’m not dapossedta swing the cat around by his front legs.”
3. Pagina.
As in the sentence, “Did you know girls have a pagina and boys have a stick thingy with circle thingys under it?”
4. Piami.
As in the sentence, “When can we take a trip to Florida and visit Piami again?”
5. Hampstamps.
As in the sentence, “Mommy! Mommy! I learned how to do hampstamps in gymnastics class today!”
6. Whit Cream.
As in the sentence, “May I please have some of that yummy whit cream stuff on my ice cream sundae?”
7. Shampooty.
As in the sentence, “Mmmm. This new shampooty you’re using to wash my hair smells so good.”
8. Sombrello.
As in the sentence, “If we go out to eat and get Mexican food, could I wear a sombrella?”
9. Pasghetti.
As in the sentence, “Can I have some meatballs with my pasghetti?”
10. Ocean.
As in the sentence, “I love all the colors of the rainbow. I like red, yellow, blue, green, purple, and ocean.”

Mom! Momma! Mummy! Ma!

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma…

Can you get me a drink?
Do we have any chocolate milk?
Is it the chocolate milk with the bunny on the bottle?
I need a snack.
Is the Easter Bunny watching me? Like right now?
Can I have ice cream for dinner?
Why can’t I have ice cream for dinner?
How about ice cream for breakfast?
When can we take a vacation to L.A.?
What is L.A. anyway?
Can Santa Claus see inside my throat?
I really need a snack, again. This time I want a cheesestick.
I’m thirsty. Where are the juiceboxes?
What does S-H-I-T spell? I heard you spell that word before.
Why are you closing your eyes and pretending to not hear me?
Mommy?
Mommy?
Mom?
M-O-M?
Are you listening to me?
MOMMY!!!

Mommy’s Dreams Are Dying…

Camryn, 7: “Hey, Mom. I swear. Kesha has like the BEST singing voice ever. Like ever in the whole world.”

Dear Mrs. Super Organized Mom…

I stumbled upon this gem while walking through the library today.
Maybe it was the nice, bright colors that caught my eye. Or, perhaps it was the fact that without even picking it up and taking a look inside I could guess what the author’s “secrets” were.
Because without a doubt, chapter 1 has just got to be titled, “Don’t have kids. Ever.”
And chapter 2 is no doubt called, “If you did by chance already have kids and ever want to see any sort of organization in your house again, put them outside of the house and don’t ever let them back in.”
So, Mrs. Super Organized, Color-Coded To-Do Lists Writing, Secret Keeping, Author Mom.
I’m sorry to say, but your secrets are out.

Sincerely,
One Hell of an Unorganized Mommy

Exhausted…

You know you’re a completely and utterly exhausted mom when…
without a second thought, you’d gladly pass up the opportunity for sex, chocolate, and/or a nice big glass of wine for the opportunity to indulge in a heavenly fifteen minute nap.

Your turn.
You know you’re a completely and utterly exhausted mom when _________________________________________.

Grandparents…

With all due respect Grandma and Grandpa,

To answer your questions…Yes. She is wearing that shirt today. No. She doesn’t need an extra jacket just in case the first I put on her doesn’t do the trick. Yes. She is eating that for lunch again today. And NO! For the sixth time, she cannot have a third lollipop just because she is crying for one.

Love,
The Mommy

Sombody Make It Stop…

This.
Today.
Like every f#*king minute I attempt to visit the bathroom, pickup a phone, type out an email, eat a bite of food, or breathe.
Somebody stop the insanity.

Today’s Great Big FU of the Day Goes to Pokemon…

I’m compeltely convinced that Pokemon was created simply to drive parents straight to the brink of insanity, because my daughter’s obsession with these damn jibberish-speaking, freaky-looking creatures has pushed me to right to the edge and I swear that with the next mention of Pikachu, pokeballs, or the sound of her desperately pleading and begging for yet another pack of stupid cards…I’m officially jumping. Head first.

*Please commiserate with me by sharing the most annoying toy obsession you child ever had or has, make me feel like I am not alone, and most importantly, save me from throwing my Mommy self right over the ledge…

It Seemed Like a Good Idea At The Time…

Because it really, really seems like such a good idea at the time…
Until 5:48 am rolls around and bites you in your tired Mommy ass as a little bright-eyed and bushy-tailed five-year-old is breathing her morning breath in your face while bellowing the words “Mommy! Time to wake up because I really wants some breakfast of pancakes NOW please!”

Mommy’s True Confession of the Day #112,905:

This. Usually sprinkled with those fake little bursts of laughter, a few rounds of blurting out “Oh, really?” and a couple of “Uh huh. Go on’s” to make it seem like I truly care.
It’s a skill folks. It’s taken years to perfect.
And it’s a skill I am rather f#*king proud of.
Just saying.

You Don’t Know Shit…

Dear Super Irritating, Condescending, Know-It-All Mommy Who Always Feels The Need to Comment On and Criticize Your Fellow Mommies And Their Every Move,

This one goes out to you, because when it all comes right on down to it even though you may know shitty diapers…you don’t know shit.

Sincerely,
A Fellow Mommy

Ole! It’s St. Patrick’s Day!

Olivia, 5: “Mommy, I’m not sure if you know this but I’m actually Irish.”
Mommy: “Yep. I know you are.”
Olivia, 5: “Well, I bet you didn’t know I am also Mexican.”
Mommy: “Actually, I did not know that.”
Olivia, 5: (dances a little jig, kicks up her feet, and throws her hands up in the air) “Guess what I am now? Ya give up?
I’m a Mexican leprechaun!”
Mommy: “Liv, despite the fact you are 0% Mexican, that is probably going to be the funniest thing I hear all damn day today, so thank you.”
Olivia, 5: (still dancing her Mexican leprechaun dance)

Same Shit, Different Day…

Mommy: “Olivia, please go put your shoes on we have to leave.”

Mommy: “Olivia, I need you to put your shoes on please. Now.”

Mommy: “Olivia Grace! Get over here and put your damn shoes on already!!”

Mommy: “Olivia!!! Here’s the part where I lose it!!”
Olivia: “Geesh Mom. Why do you always have to yell like that?”
Mommy: (takes deep breaths while slowly counting ten)

Mommy Epiphany #100,507:

You never really know how strong your child is until they have to be held down for a blood test at the pediatrician.
Turns out my kid is more powerful than a tornado, hurricane, and earthquake combined into one evil, relentless force.
And those three nurses who had the pleasure of assisting me in the near impossible task of restraining her screeching, flailing self shall never, ever be the same again. Poor ladies.

Perfection is Overrated…

So, this one goes out to all my fellow perfectly imperfect parents.
May your day be a wonderful one.

Girl Scout Cookies…

Dear Samoas,

Get in my belly. Now.

Sincerely,
Totally Addicted to Girl Scout Cookies
PS: Please feel free to bring your friends Thin Mints, Do Si Dos, and Tagalongs to join in the fun.

I Used To Be Sweet, Innocent and Patient…

I Used To Be Sweet, Innocent, and Patient…
(But Then I Became a Mom and This Shit Happened):
1. Being subjected to twelve minutes of intense temper tantrums, complete with ear piercing screams, over hairstyle malfunctions.
2. Tending to multiple diarrhea diaper blowouts during the wee hours of the morning and not realizing most of it ended up on my sleeve until hours later when my husband asked “Is that poop or chocolate on your sleeve?”
3. Having to listen to endless rounds of sibling rivalry over such important things as whether to watch Spongebob or Strawberry Shortcake on TV.
4. Consoling a crying child because they lost their pink elephant stuffed animal that they snuck out of the house after I specifically told them to leave in their room because Target doesn’t allow pink elephants inside.
5. Busting my ass in the kitchen to put a healthy dinner on the table only to be told they’d really rather have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in between making gagging noises as they chew.
6. Learning that not only did the dog shit in the house, then step in it and track it all over the house…so did my child.
7. That when my child tells me they can hold it for another ten minutes while shopping in the supermarket, they can’t and will most likely let it flow right over the bananas, box of Cocoa Krispies and bag of dog food in the cart.
8. Learning that when a four-year-old decides she is strong enough to handle pouring from a gallon sized jug of milk, the spill she creates will cover each and every tile on the kitchen floor.
9. That no matter how nice I am, Grandma will always be considered nicer because “she never yells like I always do.”
10. That every single time my child throws up, it is fully guaranteed that the vomit will land on me.

Behold The Exitless Bedtime…

This.
Tonight.
AND the kids in bed by 8:00 pm with out any “emergency” exits for a cup of water, to kiss the cat goodnight, to use the potty, to beg for one last snack, to beckon for help to find the “lost” stuffed animal owl they strategically hid under their bed, to give a twenty minute recap of their day at school, to ask why the sky is blue, or to debate which One Direction band member is the cutest.
Motherhood.
Like a boss.
(Until tomorrow morning when they awake and I get knocked right back on my sorry Mommy ass, but until then I shall bask in my glory…)

21,000 Questions…

Just a small sampling of the thought-provoking questions Olivia blessed me with today…
1. “Mom, do you believe the Easter Bunny poops jellybeans? I do.”
2. “Why do girls have a pagina and boys have that stick thingy?”
3. “What is it like in that place called heaven?”
4. “Why can’t the cat’s tail cover his butthole so I don’t have to always look at it when he walks by?”
5. “Do you want to see the ginormous poopy I just made in the potty?”
6. “Can I have a third juicebox?”
7. “Why can’t I have a third juicebox?”
8. “Does Santa watch me all year long or just when it is close to Christmas time?”
9. “Why aren’t you answering me, Mommy!?”
10. “Do I really have to go to bed now?”

Target…

Target: The place you go to for toilet paper, deodorant and bread yet leave with an overflowing cart of shit you didn’t intend to buy, want or need.
Without fail.
Every f#*king time.

Chuck E. Germs…

And I won’t even mention the thick coating of germs on each and every surface in the place that will no doubt land my kids in the pediatrician’s office within three days of being there.
Ok, maybe I will mention it.
Just another reason to add to the list of many reasons why I loathe the place and that dirty ass rat that lives there. ..

Making Momma Proud…

Mommy: (wipes a blob of pink yogurt of off Olivia’s left cheek)
Olivia, 5: “Aw, Mom. Come on already! Now why did ya go and do that for? Don’t cha know I was saving that for dessert?”
Mommy: “Good one, Liv. Which master of sarcasm taught you that one?”
Olivia, 5: (smirks and points at Mommy)
Mommy: “Well done, little one. Well done.”

Auto Correct…

Dear Auto Correct,

This shit’s gotta stop.
I spend more time correcting your “corrections” than I do on the actual text I am sending to someone. If I wanted to substitute the word “penis” instead of “pencil” I’d spell it that way.
Now, mind your penises’s and q’s, would ya?

Sincerely,
An Annoyed Texter

Mother (muther) noun…

For further information please see the following:
Housekeeper, Chef, Teacher, Nurse, Coach, Chauffeur, Butt Wiper, Monster Slayer, Events Planners, Organizer, Santa Claus, Decorator, Hair Stylist, Crafter, Best Friend, Dshwasher, Launderer, Baker, Counselor, Tear Wiper, Bodyguard, Tooth Fairy, Story Teller, Therapist, Fort Builder, Easter Bunny, Tantrum Tamer, Multi-Tasking Expert, Boo Boo Kisser, Referee, Lost Toy Locator, and/or Super Woman…

100% Mom…

Or perhaps it was the fact I’ve been wearing the same faded black yoga pants for the past three days, or that I haven’t showered in over 48 hours, or the crusty glob of macaroni and cheese smushed into my shirt sleeve, or the sea of crushed goldfish cracker crumbs on the bottom of my purse, or the Strawberry Shortcake sticker hanging off the ass of my pants, or the unintentionally mismatched socks on my feet, or the fact I have a tantruming child clinging to my right leg while desperately begging and pleading with every last ounce of energy she has in her five-year-old body for another f#*king Oreo cookie…

I’m Kind of a Big Deal…

Camryn, 7: (staring at computer screen) “Um, O-M-G! Man, looks like Mommy’s got herself a lot of likes on her Facebook page!”
Olivia, 5: “Wow. That’s a really big number.”
Camryn, 7: “Mom, how in the world did you get all these likes?”
Mommy: “I have a newsflash, kids. I don’t know how to put this, but your Mommy’s kid of a big deal. People know me.”
Camryn, 7 & Olivia, 5: (simultaneously roll eyes and walk away)

Time With and Without Kids…

I swear I can accomplish more in one hour sans kids than most people accomplish in a whole freaking week.
True story.

Pinferiority…

While also shattering my dreams of ever getting my hands on that Mommy of the Year Award since…
a) On the rare occasion that I do attempt to bake, without fail, my cupcakes are always lopsided.
b) I totally can’t do any of those super intricate braids in my daughters’ hair.
c) I send the kids to school with a basic brown-bagged pb & j sandwich instead of a gourmet-style three course meal complete with a fabulous dessert that looks exactly like Spongebob.

Grab The Tissues…

Five year Olivia picked this one up at the library today.
She requested it as her bedtime story tonight.
Three pages in and I was already teary-eyed.
I held it together like a champ and read on.
Then, I arrived at the last page.
And that’s when the flood gates crashed open and the tears started flowing.
Beware fellow Mommies.
This one is absolutely guaranteed to turn you into a sobbing mess.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The Telephone Circus…

This. Without fail. Every f#*king time the phone rings…
“No, no, no. Don’t be silly. Of course this isn’t an inconvenient time. It always sounds like a circus is parading through my house while my kids slowly kill a cat. Now, what was that you were saying?”

Motherhood…

Motherhood: Because some days a simple cup of hot tea, an uninterrupted visit to the bathroom, a late-night trip to the supermarket, or an extra long wait while at the dentist’s office sans kids truly do seem like a thin slice of heaven right here on earth. True story.

The Mommy Olympics…

This year’s events shall include the following super challenging, extremely frustrating, and straight up exhausting games:

FREESTYLE FOOD SHOPPING: Push a shopping cart filled with a fifty pound child, bread, milk, eggs, and a box of Lucky Charms up and down each aisle of the supermarket while avoiding knocking down various displays of items. Bonus points if you remember to actually get the milk which was the reason you actually entered the store in the first place.

AQUATIC WRANGLING: Wrangle your child, bribe them with whatever it takes to enter the tub, avoid a flood in the bathroom, keep their whining and screaming to a minimum and have them somehow end up dirt-free.

EARLY MORNING EXIT: make sure the child has been dressed in clean underwear and a shirt and pants that actually match, has brushed their teeth, combed their hair and eaten their breakfast. This must be completed in approximately five minutes since each and every morning is rushed, chaotic and extremely stressful.

CREATIVE COOKING: Think up, shop for, prepare and and be ready to serve kid-friendly foods in a moment’s notice with backup plans A and B ready to go for when the first course of food the child requested gets rejected for no other reason than they simply changed their mind.

EXITLESS BEDTIME: Get your child to bed with no more than six exits from their room once the lights have been turned out. Exit excuses for a glass of water, a seventeenth hug or assistance performing a search and recovery mission for a stuffed animal will not be tolerated and may be cause for disqualification.

FULLY FOCUSED DRIVING: Able to safely operate a vehicle while juggling a minimum of 17,258 demands and requests from the children which shall begin the second the key enters the ignition.

TELEPHONE CALL DASH: Successfuly complete a phone call without being interrupted by your children, screaming at your children or simply being distracted by your children.

Good luck and may the best mommies win.

Pooping Alone Is Overrated…

Motherhood.
Simply stated.

This Mommy Knows What’s Up…

Double high fives to you, my fellow Mommy.
A job well done.

Mommy Hosts Family Movie Night: Old School Style…

The kids put in a request for me to host a “Family Movie Night.”
I agreed.
On one condition.
They agreed to let me take it old school with this cinematic gem.

PS: I cried just as hard this time around, if not harder, than the first time I saw it at the ripe age of seven.
“I’ll believe in you all my life, everyday. E.T…I love you.”
Gets me damn everytime.

The Evolution of Santa…

Olivia, 5: “So, Mommy? When you were a baby was Santa a teenager?”
Mommy: “Um, well I don’t know. I think he’s always just been, well…old.”
Olivia, 5: “Oh. I see. So then Santa was a baby right after the dinosaurs were alive! I get it now! Thanks Mom.”
Mommy: “No, thank YOU, Liv. Because for some strange reason, I think I get it now too.”

Say I’m Pretty…

Word.

One to Grow On…

So children, now you see.
This is precisely why Mommy needs to yell.
It keeps her sane.
And that’s one to grow on.

Super Exciting Mommy Epiphany of the Day #45,678:

That moment you realize you’ve won the Mommy Lotto as you glance down at a birthday party invitation your child brought home from school and for the first time ever you see the words “This is a dropoff party” written on it.
So, let me get this straight party mom. You want me to leave my kid in your care while you entertain and feed them while I bask in the glory of two solid hours of kid-free time. Um, yes please. Thank you birthday kid’s mom. Thank. You.

Goodnight Ipad…

C’mon kids.
Gather round.
For tonight’s reading selection we have this gem.
Now shut off that damn iPad, put away that Nintendo DS, plug all cell phones into their chargers, zip your lips, do your best job of pretending to listen to Mommy read and most importantly, let’s enjoy some freakin’ quality bedtime storytime…right after I steal a quick moment to take care of something super important…which is to update my Facebook status. Yeah, I’ll admit it. I’m just as bad as the rest of em.

They Said…They Lied

Whoever “they “is obviously:
A. Sits upon a throne of lies
B. Never had kids
C. Has kids, yet also has a full-time nanny, chef, tutor, and maid

I’ve Become My Mother. Oh Shit.

Top Ten Reasons I Am Convinced I Have Officially Become My Mother…
1. I used the following phrases today. “Don’t make me say it again!” “Watch that tone with me!” and “You want to why?
Because I’m the mom and I said so. That’s why!”
2. When getting ready to go to a special occasion, no outfit is complete with a nice quality pair of control top
pantyhose which is nothing more than a modern day version of that girdle thing my mom used to wear when she was my
age.
3. I have retired my high heel shoes and have traded them in for multiple pairs in every color of those sensible,
comfortable flats which look strikingly similar to those shoes I swore I’d never wear in my mom’s closet.
4. Without hesitation, I found it completely acceptable to use my own saliva to clean the remnants of an Oreo cookie
off my daughter’s face this afternoon.
5. While walking through the mall, I cannot resist the urge to criticize and comment on the way all the tweenage girls
dress like cheap whores and how my daughters will never leave the house looking like that.
6. I genuinely look forward to late night solo trips to the supermarket and have developed the skill to make such
trips last for hours by creeping up each and every aisle, reading every last nutrition label while singing along to
the Muzak versions of Michael Bolton’s “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” and Phil Collins’ “Sussudio”.
7. I fell victim to a mommy tantrum triggered by my kid’s tantrum this afternoon during which I yelled, stuttered,
mispronounced words and saw spit fly from my mouth.
8. I caught myself standing at the front door, clutching my pocketbook and obsessively staring at my watch while
anxiously awaiting the answer to my Friday evening prayers…the babysitter.
9.There is now always at least one bottle of cheap wine in the house at all times.
10. Very often, on those super exhausting days in mommyland that straight up knocked me on my Mommy ass, that wine is the highlight of my day and the sole reason for my sanity.

You’re a Good Mom…

Dear Mommies,

Because sometimes we just need a little reminder.
Here’s yours.

Sincerely,
A Fellow Mommy
(Who Spends At Least 85% Of Each Day Convinced She Has Absolutely No F#*king Clue About How To Succeed At This Whole Motherhood Thing)

Dear Diet…

Dear Diet,

Alas, another Monday has fallen upon us. And so we meet again. Damn it. Damn it to hell.

Signed,
Lettuce for Lunch

Mommy’s List of the Top Ten Most Annoying Gifts For Kids…

1. Play Doh (especially those super-sized tubs of 30 different colors which are always mixed together to become 30 containers of gray Play Doh after the first time they are used)
2. Any toy that makes noise of any kind (this includes, but it not limited to squeaking noises, ringing bells, sirens, meows, and auto-tuned voices )
3. Any toy that makes noise with the option for the child to make the volume louder
4. Moon Sand (in any quantity because all it takes is a handful to destroy carpet, clothes and anything else within fifty feet that holds any value)
5. Slime (no matter the color or amount because this stuff is just a disaster waiting to happen and most times that disaster will take place in your kid’s hair)
6. Any board game that requires more than two players therefore necessitating a parent to actually participate in the game when instead you could be tackling laundry, dirty dishes or Facebook)
7. Any Justin Bieber related item (this includes, but is not limited to, CD’s, DVD’s and obnoxiously loud and completely out of tune singing dolls)
8. Any micro-mini-sized toys that once lost shall never be found again (yet you still fall victim to being guilted into searching every last inch of the house, car and last four stores you visited to try to find it)
9. Gumball and/or any hard candy filled toys that your kids will risk either choking or shattering a tooth on
10. A toy microphone capable of amplifying their every whine, complaint, battle with their sibling, and endless song covers of Kesha, Flo-Rida, and One Direction.

Lettuce For Lunch…

Dear Diet,

Alas, another Monday has fallen upon us. And so we meet again. Damn it. Damn it to hell.

Signed,
Lettuce for Lunch

The 2013 Top 25 Funny Mommy Bloggers Contest…

242 bloggers entered.
Those still holding tight onto a spot in the top 25 were crowned the winners.
I came in at number eight.
Number freaking eight! Holla!
High fives, big Mommy hugs, much thanks and all that jazz to you for voting for me.
And an even bigger thanks for reading my ramblings, epiphanies and tantrums and for letting me know I am not the only one out there still searching for that f#*king mommy manual…

The Smart One…

Olivia, 5: “Hey Mommy? Who sings this song on the radio?”
Mommy: “I’m not sure, Liv. Sorry.”
Camryn, 7: (chimes in unsolicited from backseat of car) “Well. Good thing I’m here because I know it is Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj singing this.”
Mommy: “Well, there you have it then. Thanks, Cam.”
Camryn, 7: “You’re welcome and just so you know this is exactly why you had me…to have a smart kid in this family.”

Temper Tantrums…

Dear Tantruming Child O’ Mine,

The world really isn’t going to end just because I said you can’t have a second lollipop. I promise. It really won’t. So…
Cut. That. Shit. Out.
NOW.

Forever Grateful,
Mommy

Well Done, Portlandia. Well Done.

Because it takes a a lot to make me laugh and this one did the trick…and also because it brought me to the verge of peeing in my pants because I laughed so freaking hard. Well done, Portlandia. Well done.
http://www.ifc.com/portlandia/videos/portlandia-books-on-parenting

A Relaxing Family Vacation…

Dear Kids,
Would you please be so kind to take a quick break from your never-ending whining, bickering, tantrums and “are we there yet’s” to smile for the camera and do your best imitation of a nice normal family enjoying some nice quality family time on this year’s nice, relaxing family vacation? We’re making memories here little ones. We’re making some god damn happy memories. Now say cheese!
With Sincere Thanks,
Mommy

Sweet, Sweet Mommy

That rare moment you’re feeling pretty good about yourself and this whole motherhood thing…and then suddenly your kid throws you a curveball and knocks you right back on your ass…

Camryn, 7: “Hey Mommy. I’m so excited for you to come t…o my school for the big book fair they’re having today. And who knows? They might even have a book for you to buy about how to be a good mom.”

Mommy: (rendered speechless)

Camryn, 7: “Um, well. Like, ya see…it’s not that you’re not actually a good mom, but maybe you can read it to just get a little sweeter.”

Mommy: (hangs head and begins mourning the loss of her Mommy of the Year Award)

Mommy’s Valentine’s Day Confession…

I love all my kids equally. Except the one who gives me cold hard cash as a Valentine’s Day gift. That one I love just a smidge more.

Top Ten Reasons I Most Likely Blew My Chances To Win The 2013 Mommy of the Year Award:

1. I yelled today. Six times. By 8:00 am. Over nonsense which included, but wasn’t limited to, an accidentally spilled cup of chocolate milk, a five-yea…r-old’s tantrum triggered by a minor wardrobe mafunction, and a pile of steaming hot dog shit strategically left right in the path of my bare feet.
2. I forgot to go fods shopping again, so the closest thing to fruit the kids ate with their breakfast today were the fruit loops in their cereal bowls.
3. Dinner came from a box. A blue box. That had the words Kraft, macaroni and cheese on it.
4. I yelled again. Louder than before. At 9:12 am. And this time it included the dramatic bonus of spit flying from my mouth as I roared each syllable.
5. I completely lost my patience and began mumbling obscenities under my breath over the stupid zipper on Camryn’s jacket getting stuck yet again. Sad, but true, a jammed zipper sent me tumbling head first over the edge into the abyss of insanity.
6. I denied the kids’ request to listen to the Kidz Bop version of “Boyfriend” on the way to school because just the mere thought of those not-so-talented kids whining through my car speakers brought on waves of nausea.
7. I also denied the kids next request to listen to the non-Kidz Bop version of “Boyfriend” on the way to school because the mere thought of Justin Bieber’s whiny voice made me queasy as well.
8. I failed miserably at trying to conquer the fancy side braid Olivia wanted so desperately in her hair and sent her
through the school doors with a basic, boring, run of the mill ponytail instead.
9. I forgot to wish Camryn good luck on her Social Studies test when I dropped her at school which means I will fall victim to a severe case of mommy guilt if she happens to forgets some of the seven continents and fails.
10. I will without a doubt make at least 7 (but probably more) of the same mistakes again tomorrow, get knocked on my ass by numerous tidal waves of mommy guilt and once again be sucked into the black hole that is feeling like I royally suck at this whole motherhood thing.
<sigh>

Welcome To The Jungle…

Buckle up.

Secure all loose articles.

Brace yourself.

And hold on tight.

It’s every parent for themself.

Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

Because it’s a f#*king jungle out there.

<honks horn like a lunatic, spews out multiple profanities and dramatically shoots one of her patented Evil Mommy looks at the idiot who swooped in out of nowhere and dared to cut her off in the school pickup lane>

Mommy’s Official List of The Top Ten Most Annoying Children’s TV Shows…

1. Calliou – Because if I really want to listen to a whiny kid, I can just turn the tv off and listen to my own.
2.  Max and Ruby – Because while watching the bossy pants big sister tell her brother what to do I am continuously wondering where the hell are thier damn parents to put her ass in a time out?
3. Wonder Pets – Because no children’s show should teach kids it’s ok to speak like a fuzzy little duckling with a terrible speech impediment that gets around in a flying boat.
4. Dora The Explorer and/or Go Diego Go – Because there just aren’t too many things that are creepier than that way they stare at you while waiting you to answer their asinine questions, such as, Have you seen the pygmy marmoset in the jungle?
5. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse – Because the sound of Mickey calling out to that Toodles contraption is enough to make my skin crawl.
6. Spongebob – Because any show that teaches my young impressionable kids to incorporate such words as diarrhea, stupid and idiot into their everyday vocabulary is an epic fail in my book.
7. The Wiggles – Because when that happy-go-lucky quartet of men begin singing a song about fruit salad being yummy, yummy I contemplate punching the tv screen.
8. Teletubbies – Because brightly colored, alien-esque looking creatures with shapes on their heads who speak in some weird, disturbing language simply scare the living shit out of me.
9. Veggie Tales – Because when vegetables begin singing songs that preach about god and loving thy neighbor I have no choice but to forcefully hit the power button the tv.
10. Barney – Because any show that stars an oversized, purple, talking dinosaur dancing around with “kids” who are clearly way too old to even be on the show deserves to be criticized, ridiculed and boycotted by parents everywhere.

Mommy’s Not-So-Proud, Yet True Confession #62,850:

Although Mommy’s love is unconditional, she will always have a special soft spot for the kid who naps, wipes their own butt, ties their own shoes, and doesn’t exit their room six times afte…r Mommy declares it bedtime with poor excuses such as the need for a glass of water or two, to say goodnight to and bearhug the cat, to discuss which Justin Bieber song is the best to dance to, and to make use of the potty three damn times.

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A Book OF LIES…

Dear Author Of This Book Who Sure As Hell Ain’t A Mom Who Ever Attempted To Conquer A Trip To The Supermarket With Kids En Tow,

Upon reading your book, I couldn’t help but notice how the Mom is smiling from ear to ear while grocery shopping with her little ones instead of on the verge of a nervous breakdown as she prays for the strength to make it through another family field trip to the supermarket.

I also couldn’t help but make note of the fact the daughter is willingly and happily carrying her own belongings instead of incessantly whining for her Mom to hold them for her because suddenly they’re just too heavy for her.

I also noticed how nicely the infant son is sitting in the shopping cart instead of attempting daredevil stunts to climb out, scale the side of the cart and single handedly destroy an end cap display of canned corn.

It also caught my eye that the cart is neatly filled with healthy, nutritious foods and neither of the children has succeeded in strategically hiding a package of Double Stuff Oreos, a box of Fruity Pebbles and a Snickers bar in it.

Although I do get quite a kick out of your positive attitude and lofty thoughts on shopping with kids, I feel it is my duty as a mom who would rather give birth without an epidural than go food shopping with my children, to let you know that your book sits upon a throne of lies. File that shit under fiction.

Sincerely,

Mommy

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Looks Like Mommy’s Got A Case of the Mondays…Again.

Because nothing says good morning like super sized puddles of chocolate milk all over the kitchen table, floor, chairs and your lap.

True story.

True f#*king story.

And a happy Monday to you too.

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Friday Night…with kids

Here’s to another wild and crazy Friday night…with kids.

So, kids…let’s get this party started.

And over by 8:00 pm.

Because it’s T minus 39 minutes til Mommy’s wine down time.

But who’s counting?

This gal right here, that’s who.

Ain’t no shame in my game.

Holla. *

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ain’t nobody got time for that…

Dear Over-Achieving, Disgustingly Creative, Fancy Lunch Making Mom,

Please cut this shit out. You’re making me look bad. But more importantly because if there’s any chance my kid may ever sit next to your kid during lunchtime at school and comes to realize that things in her lunchbag can get a hell of a lot fancier than her usual crustless pb & J cut into four squares…I’m coming to find you. Consider yourself warned.

Sincerely,

Mommy

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OBEY Baby Stewie…go vote!

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Better Luck next time little lady…

Today’s e-card has been inspired by and is lovingly dedicated to my very own seven-year-old daughter, Camryn, who once again failed to make sure her Mommy was completely out of sight before deciding it would be a good idea to stick her tongue out at her.  Better luck next time, little lady. Better luck next time…

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Peeing Alone…

Motherhood… When a trip to the bathroom without any pint-sized spectators commenting on the odor, color and duration of your poop feels like you’ve won the Mommy jackpot.

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and desperately searching for that F#*king Mommy Manual…

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Tis the season for germs…

Tis the season for germs, snotty noses and co-pays. It’s time to once again break out your trusty Pediatrician Frequent Visitor Rewards Card. Please see below for this year’s line up of fantastic gifts you and your child can earn this germ-infested winter season in exchange for your repeated weekly visits to the pediatrician…

– On your 1st visit: A free second sticker and/or Dum Dum lollipop

– On your 2nd visit: A free bottle of grape or cherry flavored children’s Tylenol

– On your 3rd visit: A free box of swabs to perform strep throat cultures at home

– On your 4th visit: A free ear or temporal scanner thermometer

– On your 5th visit: A “no wait” card to bypass others when the waiting room is full

– On your 6th visit: Free, 24-hour access to the pediatrician’s personal cell phone

– On your 7th visit: A free prescription pad, since due to your last six visits to the office during the past two weeks, you are now fully capable of both diagnosing, prescribing for and medicating your child accordingly without the help of a trained pediatrician.

Obey Mommie Dearest and spare us the wire hangers….

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Vote…please.

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Showering: Mommy Style…

That moment you step into a steaming, hot shower and are joyously whisked away to paradise…
and the nerve wracking moment soon after when you suddenly panic and begin to make a mental list of all the disastrous things that have probably taken place in the four minutes you were not in the same room as the kids.

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Mommy’s Secret ice cream…

Dear Kids,

Nevermind that pint of fabulously delicious Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby in the freezer. That is for one person and one person only. And that one person is Mommy. Why you may ask? Simply because I am the Mommy and I said so.

With Love,

Mommy

PS: You are more than welcome to help yourself to one of the not-so-fabulous, yet still yummy, vanilla dixie cups sitting next to it though.

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A Good day in Mommyland…

Ding! Ding! Ding!
We have a winner.
It was a good day in Mommyland.
Hope it was in yours too.

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Mommy’s Advice…

Mommy’s Unsolicited Advice.
Always there.
Whether you want it or not.
True story.

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Cue the Carousel Music As Yet Another Schoolweek Begins in Good Ol’ Mommyland…

On your mark. Get set. Go!

It begins with a dash of laundry. Some dishwasher loading and unloading. A pinch of vacuuming. A little bit of tantrum-taming. A …tad of butt wiping. Some shoe/sock search and recovery missions. Lots of juice cup filling and refilling. Some snotty nose wiping. A couple rounds of hair accessory repositioning. Multiple episodes of dog poop cleaning up. A few food shopping field trips. Countless instances of cheese stick unwrapping. A great deal of toy re-organizing. Way too much sibling rivalry refereeing. A whole lot of school lunch packing. A handful of bath giving. Lots of bedtime story reading and finally, if you’re lucky…passing out cold in your own bed by 11:30 pm…only to hop back on the carousel again in seven short hours. Ugh. Where are the f#*ing brakes on this thing?

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You don’t know shit…

Because everybody’s a f#*king expert, now aren’t they?

And also because it seems I happen to have been blessed with the luck of encountering one of these gems every damn day.

<makes mental note to dedicate more time to perfecting the skill of biting her tongue…>

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Mommy’s Not-So-Proud Moment of the Day #76,898:

That moment the old lady walking down aisle 8 in Target gasps, nearly drops her can of reduced-sodium chicken broth and then stares you down after your seven year old daughter totally nails the chorus to that filthy whore Kesha’s song, “Take It Off” which for those who haven’t had the pleasure goes as follows: There’s a place downtown where the freaks all come around. It’s a hole in the wall. It’s a dirty free for all. Turn me on. Take it off. Everybody take it off.”

<lets out a great big Mommy sigh while the sting of how many points she just lost towards that 2013 Mommy of The Year Award sets in…>

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Motherhood Fun Fact Of The Day…

Dear Kids,
Your math skills? Thank Daddy.

Your awesomeness? That’s all Mommy.

No thanks necessary.

Love,

Your Awesome Mommy (

Who Can’t Do Math)

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Foreplay…

Dear Husband O’ Mine,

It’s Saturday night. I shaved my legs. Above the knees. Now, let’s not let all my effort go to waste. Let’s get it on, shall we?

Love,

Your Wife

PS: Don’t ever say I don’t love you.

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You Say Penis, I Say Pieces…

When your five-year-old kid refers to the custodian at her school as the “escobian” you smile. When she substitutes the word “unicornycorn” for unicorn during a conversation you get a good chuckle. When she tel…ls you she has to bring her “chopstick” in case her lips get chapped while you’re out, you giggle. But when she proudly declares, “Hey Mommy, I really, really love those Reese’s Penises you bought me yesterday” you collapse on the floor, try to catch your breath as the stomach cramps set in from laughing so hard you can’t even see straight.

Your turn.

GO!

*The funniest thing my kid ever said was ________________.

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Today’s Forecast…

Today’s Forecast: Sunshine throughout the day with a high chance of periods of severe tantrums, tears and whining.

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MNO…

Mom’s Night Out (MNO): a night out with fellow mommy friends, sans kids, to relax, decompress, rejuvenate and take a break from all things Mommy…at which you will all, undoubtedly, spend 97% of the night discussing, in great detail, your children and motherhood.

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Phone Calls: Mommy Style…

Caller: “Is this a bad time?”

Mommy: (swatting at kids as they run past her shrieking the chorus to Justin Bieber’s “Beauty and a Beat” as loud as they possibly can) “Oh no, no, no. Please go on.”

Caller: “Um, are you sure because it sounds like a really bad time for you.”

Mommy: “I got news for you. It ain’t gonna be any better if you call back later, so let’s get this done now, shall we?”

Caller: “What’s that? I’m having a hard time hearing you.”

Mommy: (sprints to the nearest bathroom, immediately locks door and attempts to complete the phone call while doing her damdest to ignore the little hellions pounding on the door)

Without fail. Every f#*king time. <sigh>

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My Boss Is A Five-Year-Old…

…I need a cup of milk, I need a yogurt stick, I need a cheese stick, I need more milk, I need a juice box, I need you to watch me go poopy, I need you to read to me while I go poopy, I need you to wipe my butt, I need goldfish crackers, I need another juice box in a different flavor than last time, I need a bubble gum flavored lollipop, I need you to immediately stop everything you’re doing and abandon your Target shopping cart so you can escort me to the potty again, I need you to sit next to me and observe while I play with my toys, but don’t even think of touching them, I need you to go get my blankie and favorite stuffed animal of the week, I need you to turn on the tv and surf all 350 channels until I see something I think I would like to watch, I’m thirsty, I’m hungry, here comes another poopy…

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Tonight’s Installment of The Dreaded School Lunch Preparation…

And just at that very moment I began to sigh about that fact that school lunch-making time had arrived yet again, I came across this gem and just like that it all fell into perspective and it suddenly dawned on me that making one single peanut butter and jelly sandwich really isn’t such a chore after all. Because I realized how easy I actually have it, I decided to dedicate a few more seconds to getting all fancy by trimming the crusts off and cutting the sandwich into fours. Major Mommy of the Year points scored.

<Dusts off a spot on the mantle for her hard-earned Mommy of the Year 2013 Award and sits back awaiting it’s arrival…>

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Mommy Mystery #474:

Motherhood: That glorious moment when you stumble upon a half smushed fun-sized Snickers bar lying at the bottom of your pocketbook and immediately shove it down your throat before the kids see it and drown you with guilt to give them a bite.

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Rocket Science…

Well, well, well.

Finally! An explanation as to why I find this whole motherhood thing so damn challenging.

I mean after all, Science and Social Studies were never really my thing.

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It’s Time for Tonight’s Installment of Dinnertime Hell…

And just like that it’s crept up on me again.

That moment when the kids blindside you by asking what’s for dinner and you have no f#*king idea. Not even a clue. Which is immediately followed up by that moment when you realize you used the last box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the house as a poor excuse for yesterday’s dinner.  Immediately followed up by that moment you slowly walk over to the kitchen cabinet while praying with all your might that you will find four slices of mold-less bread, a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of grape jelly in there to save the day.

<bids farewell to her 2013 Mommy of the Year Award while licking a gob of peanut butter off of the knife>

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An open letter to the gyno….

Dear Gynecologist,

And so we meet again. I’ll be right with you for my exam, but would you please excuse me while I spend the next five minutes attempting to strategically hide my bra and underwear under my shirt and pants on your exam room chair, because god forbid you should get a glance of my undergarments while you are busy getting up close and personal with my womanly parts. PS: Please don…’t question it. For some odd reason, that I cannot seem to explain in words, it makes total sense to me. Always has. Always will. Now let’s get this party started, shall we?

Sincerely,

The Crazy Lady in the Stirrups

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Mommy’s Pop Quiz #12,345…

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Mommy’s Official Top 10 List of…Things I Really Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:

1. Going to the Bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.

2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese or any other of my favorite ingredients.

3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:00 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”

4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to lower the volume at each swear word.

5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that bonus muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.

6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker and a plastic tambourine for the ten minute car ride.

7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and fend off beggars with my spoon.

8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s at checkout time.

9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in library overdue fines.

10. And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh at a joke, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my freaking pants.

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Parenting Dilemma #45,678:

Parenting Dilemma #45,678: That moment when you aren’t sure whether to simply sit back and indulge in five more minutes of peace and quiet or run at full speed and attempt to divert whatever disaster is about to take place.

So, while you’re enjoying that rare minute of quiet, please take one more second to visit the link below and cast your daily vote for Where’s The F#*king Mommy Manual in Circle of Mom’s Top 25 Mommy Bloggers Contest. Please and thank you.
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Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid:

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid: (That I Swore Up and Down I Would NEVER Say Once I Had My Own Kids, Yet Unfortunately Say At Least Once a Day Now)
1. “If I have to get up out of this seat you are going to be one sorry young lady!”

2. “If you’d just listen the first time, I wouldn’t have to yell like a crazy person!”

3. “Stop jumping on the couch! It is not a trampoline!”

4. “Stop jumping on your bed! Just like the couch, it’s not a trampoline!”

5. “No, you cannot skip dinner and go straight to dessert!”

6. “Stop being mean to your sister before I give her permission to kick your butt for it.”

7. “Close the front door! Even though your room is a pigsty we don’t live in a damn barn!”

8. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

9. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”

10. “I hope one day you have a daughter just like you.

<True Mommy Confession #45,678: I am pretty sure I dropped #9 at least 48 times today. Sigh.>

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid:

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid: (That I Swore Up and Down I Would NEVER Say Once I Had My Own Kids, Yet Unfortunately Say At Least Once a Day Now)
1. “If I have to get up out of this seat you are going to be one sorry young lady!”

2. “If you’d just listen the first time, I wouldn’t have to yell like a crazy person!”

3. “Stop jumping on the couch! It is not a trampoline!”

4. “Stop jumping on your bed! Just like the couch, it’s not a trampoline!”

5. “No, you cannot skip dinner and go straight to dessert!”

6. “Stop being mean to your sister before I give her permission to kick your butt for it.”

7. “Close the front door! Even though your room is a pigsty we don’t live in a damn barn!”

8. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

9. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”

10. “I hope one day you have a daughter just like you.

<True Mommy Confession #45,678: I am pretty sure I dropped #9 at least 48 times today. Sigh.>

Something good in everyday…

To My Seven-Year-Old Daughter…Camryn,

Thank you for offering up this amazingly awesome homemade card at the exact moment I found myself slipping into a black hole of Mommy guilt while mulling over all the times I yelled today over such nonsense as your messy room, the countless times I lost my patience over little things like that cup of spilled chocolate milk at breakfast, and that heated argument we had over whether or not that favorite Pokeman stuffed animal of yours could accompany us into Target this afternoon. Thanks for the reminder that even though everyday may not be good, there’s always something good in everyday.  So to answer you question, I am doing just fine now after reading your card.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

Shit’s about to get real…

Dear Kids,

When you hear me yelling out your full name with an extra emphasis on the middle one, you best start running as fast as you possibly can in the opposite direction of my voice because shit’s about to get real. And that’s one to grow on.

With Love,

Mommy

Favoritism…

Dear Kids,
Now that your teeth have been brushed, stories have been read, pillows have been fluffed, kisses have been given and a quick reminder has been shared to keep your eyes on the prize that is dessert for breakfast…I bid you sweet dreams my little ones and see you at not a minute earlier than 7:00 AM.
With Love,
Mommy

I AM A BLOGGING MOM…

…and I’m a blogger who blogs.
*Today’s gentle daily reminder to please support and vote for Where’s The F#*king Mommy Manual in Circle of Mom’s 2013 Top Mommy Bloggers Contest.
You can vote once per day until Feb 13th.
Please and thank, thank, thank you.
http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89

Mommy’s List Of The Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom (Yet Sadly, Now Do On a Daily Basis):

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes in a row of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Dora the Explorer, The Wonder Pets, and Spongebob.

2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich minus the crusts with a not-so-nutritious side of a fluorescent blue colored cotton candy flavored yogurt stick for both lunch and dinner…in the same day.

3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The USA,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.

4. Be talked into purchasing and serving the children cereal with artificially rainbow colored marshmallows in it for breakfast…at least three mornings a week.

5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to be completely acceptable as my very own dinner.

6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face in under 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail the color, frequency, odor and consistency of another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Be completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, five days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove Oreos, banana and other food remnants off of my child’s face after discovering the baby wipes holder in my pocketbook is empty…again.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me on multiple occasions throughout each day which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”

Top Ten Things You Hope To Never Hear Come From Your Child’s Mouth (but most likely will at some point or another):

1. Wow! These scissors cut my hair really well! I should be a haircutter when I grow up!

2. Mommy! Hurry! Come upstairs and look at me! I’m so super, super glittery now!

3. Don’t you agree that the cat looks so much cuter now that I trimmed off her whiskers?

4. Hey Mom, take a guess. Is this poop or chocolate on my hand?

5. Hey Dad, did you even know that Mommy has really, really hairy privates? I totally saw it today when I walked into the bathroom while she was peeing.

6. Mom! I have great news! I raised my hand first and got picked when my teacher asked who would like to take care of our class pet, Mr. Nibbles the mouse over the entiore two week Christmas school vacation.

7. Mom, I was just wondering if this black Sharpie marker moustache will ever come off of my face?

8. I know another word that rhymes with truck…fuck! I can’t wait to use the new word I just learned. F#*k, f#*k, f#*K!

9. Hey Mom!? Is that person standing right behind us in line a girl or a boy!? I can’t decide.

10. Mom, your collection of expensive lipsticks work so much better than those silly washable fingerpaints we have for all those awesome paintings I just did of Spongebob on my bedroom walls.

<Because we all have at least one, you are now cordially invited to share your very own all time favorite “Did my kid really just f#*king do or say that moment” now…>

mommy’s night out in full effect…

Tonight’s MNO agenda shall include the following:

1. Order a few bottles of wine.

2. Unanimously agree to completely avoid discussing children and/or anything remotely child-related throughout the duration of the evening.

3. Pour more wine.

4. Begin taking turns rambling about how your kids nearly drove you to the brink of insanity today.

5. Fill empty glasses with more wine.

6. Inconspicuously text husbands to make sure he doesn’t forget to give the kids kisses from Mommy at bedtime.

7. Finish off bottles of wine.

8. Begin sharing insane thoughts on the idea of how truly fabulous it’d be to have another child and to hear the pitter patter of little baby feet running throughout the house once again.

9. Sit back, let the wine wear off and wait for reality to slap you square in the face and knock some f#*king sense into you.

10. Agree that tonight’s conversations shall never leave the table and immediately ask for the check.

You know you’re a mom when…

Today’s installment of “You Know You’re a Mom When…”
is brought to you by mystery stains everywhere caused by snot, puke, poop, pureed peas and the moms who wear these badges of honor with pride. We salute you.

<tips hat to her fellow crusty stain covered mommies while attemtping to rid her shirt of a pesky chocolate milk stain…>

Keep Calm and mommy on…

…even through this morning’s major tantrum over a minor wardrobe malfunction, the late-afternoon freak-out over a grilled cheese being cut into the wrong shape, the after dinner whining over not being allowed to have two desserts, the evening’s groaning over having to do homework, the nighttime moaning over having to take a bath and the grand f*#king finale…not one, not two, but SIX, post-bedtime exits from the bedroom for a cup of water, another hug from Mommy, a second cup of water, a trip to the potty, a second trip to the potty and to offer a detailed minute-by-minute replay of her entire day at school.
I am Mommy and I think I can, I think I can…
<sigh>

Mommy’s Top Ten List of Parenting Facts They Never Tell You… (But You Really Need To Know in Order to Survive Parenthood)

1. You will perform all bathroom tasks with an audience, complete with commentary, critiques and a rating system (this will include, but will not be limited to, urinating, moving your bowels, shaving and popping the occasional zit on your face).

2. You will second guess EVERYTHING you do, say, wear, eat, drink, buy, return and sell because your thoughts will be preoccupied with how this particular decision, no matter how big or small, will affect your children.

3. You will learn the true meaning of unconditional love. For example, your child will shower you with compliments about your beauty even when you are in your rattiest pajamas, have morning eye crust in, not one, but both eyes and breath that could clear out a small town it is so potent.

4. You will begrudgingly come to realize you have no other choice but to smile, while nodding your head yes, when your child politely asks for that your last extra crispy, extra greasy french fry as it is en route to your mouth.

5. You will remove the phrase “a sound sleep” from your vocabulary since after having children, everything will cause you to wake up and check on the kids, including a raccoon rummaging through a garbage can 18 blocks away, even though you know it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids and their safety.

6. You will plan, months in advance, to have a night out on the town with your other mommy friends. You will look forward to the two-three hour break from your role as Mommy. However, you will spend 97% of the evening discussing, bragging about and missing your kids.

7. You will effortlessly learn the art of showering in under three minutes and then prioritizing which is more important, mascara or deodorant, when you realize that after then shower you only have two minutes left before having to race the kids to school before the late bell rings.

8. You will forget to put a bra on many mornings, but you will never forget your child’s first word was “gog” as she pointed to the dog, the pink leopard print outfit she had on the day she began to crawl or the white sweater you had on the first time she threw up her pureed peas all over you.

9. You will smile from ear to ear when in a store and overhear a mom say, “Are you serious?! You really pooped in your pants AGAIN?!” and realize this particular poop in not your problem.

10. You will be so excited the end of a long, trying, exhausting day with the kiddies has come to a close and that they are finally snoring away in their beds. However, as you walk past their room on the way to your own comfy bed, you will tip toe into their rooms and stare at them while they sleep for a minimum of twenty minutes each. These times may also be accompanied by tears of joy as you take the opportunity to fully take in their innocence and beauty.

Grandma: Like Mommy, But Nicer…

Camryn, 7: “Mom, do you still love me when you yell at me?”
Mommy: “Of course I love you when I yell. I love you no matter what. If Daddy yells, if Grandpa yells, if Grandma yells or anyone else in the family yells we all still love you. Do you understand that?”
Camryn, 7: “Yes, I do. But there’s just one thing.”
Mommy: “What’s that?”
Camryn, 7: “Well, actually, Grandma never, ever yells at me. Like EVER.”
Mommy: (hangs head in shame, tumbles right off her Mommy of the Year pedestal and says a quick prayer that Grandma never, ever gets word of the conversation because she’d never, ever let her live it down)

the hundred dollar store…

There’s the Dollar Store.
And then there’s Target…the hundred dollar store.
Because a $3.05 gallon of milk, a dozen eggs for $2.59 and a six-pack of toilet paper for $4.25 always seem to turn into $100.
Without fail. Every damn time.
<shakes fist at Target and all of their fabulous must-haves that always seem make their way into her shopping cart>

when children need their mom…

“Hey little sis…ya hear that? Listen very, very closely.
That’s the sound of Mommy trying to shit.
So, as per our usual routine, on the count of three we run, at full speed, and begin shouting obnoxious and extremely annoying demands at the bathroom door until she finally comes out.
1, 2, 3…”

Friday Post Parenthood Style…

Friday night post-parenthood style in the house.
Things are about to get ca-ray-zee up in here.
Time to sit back, relax and snore like a freight train by 9:15 pm.
Holla!

Going for the gold…

And while we’re at it I’ll glady take my trophy for taming those tantrums during the terrible two’s, a medal for wiping butts and noses, and a great big plaque for keeping my sanity after all these years on this scary as all hell roller coaster ride called motherhood…

Mommy loves you…

Dear Kids,

Remember, when Mommy nags, yells and screams like a lunatic for you to clean those pigsty-esque rooms of yours…it’s merely because she has your best interests in mind. And when she conducts those pesky random under-the-bed spot checks to make sure you didn’t just do that sneaky trick of shoving all your toys and dirty clothes under there…it means she REALLY loves you.

With Love,
Mommy

Parental faq’s…

To My Five-Year-Old Daughter, Olivia;

Thank you for the compliment. You are absolutely correct. Mommies DO know everything. However, please make it a point to direct any and all math-related questions to Daddy. Mommy and math have never really been great friends. Thanks so much for your cooperation.

With Love,
Mommy

Mommy’s Hideout…

Mommy’s True and Somewhat Embarrassing Confession of the Day #45,776:
This post was brought to you behind a locked bathroom door.

<tries like hell to ignore the ear piercing whining and little hand poking underneath the door while typing>

Hated…

This.
Probably about a minimum of seven or eight times before the clock even struck 8:45 am this morning.
Sad, yet very true story.
<sigh>

Aw Shit, It’s Another Poop Alert…

Olivia, 5: “Oh Muh Gawd! Mooooommy! Poop Alert! Poop Alert!”
Mommy: “What the heck are you yelling about?”
Olivia, 5: “Well, in other words, the dog shit in my room again.”
Mommy: “Ah. Now I gotcha. Loud and clear little lady.”

Top 10 Things I Really Wish Someone Took The Time To Tell Me Before I Became a Mom…

1. Take pride in and fully enjoy the fact you can sneeze without peeing in your pants because in your post-baby days that luxury will be a distant memory.

2. You will lose your patience. Sometimes you will yell. Loud. Very f#*king loud. Occasionally, you may even spit and stutter while you yell. Quite often you will find you are acting like the exact opposite of the parent you imagined you’d be.

3.  You will learn how to pee, shit, shave and shower with an audience because those are the times all the “emergencies” will occur and your kid will need you the most.

4. You will quickly master the skill of navigating all stores in such a manner as to completely avoid the toy department or any department that may have toys strategically placed at your child’s eye level.

5. Make it a priority to hide the good chocolate. And the good cookies. And that pint of good ice cream. Preferably somewhere up high. Very high. And do not take it out until after you are absolutely sure the kids have fallen asleep for the night.
6. Wear a wetsuit and goggles while bathing your child. Flippers are optional. Be on guard and prepared to handle approximately three foot wave swells as your child attempts to swim, perform tricks with their bath toys and blow bubbles in the tub.
7. Master the art of dodging legos, matchbox cars, and other razor sharp toys while walking through the house. Doing so will help you in avoiding ER trips to get your foot stitched back together.
8. Practice and perfect the skill of locating a micro-sized piece of a toy on the car floor, changing the radio station and refereeing a full out brawl between your children while attempting to drive 55 mph on the highway in order to avoid being late for your Mommy and Me class.
9. You will be able to wipe butts, de-booger noses and clean up puke without gagging, dry heaving or vomiting yourself.
10. Be fully aware that motherhood is a crazy, scary and straight up exhausting ride that is not for the overly sensitive, easily traumatized or weak of heart. Know that even with all the diaper blowouts, tantrums, snotty noses, sleepless nights, back talk and whining, if given the choice, you’d never have it any other way, because this is exactly where you want to be.
True story.

Motherhood: When an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom is like winning the f#*king lottery.

There’s Nowhere to Run. There Ain’t No Place to Hide…

After many years of interrupted bathroom breaks, I am now completely convinced these kids are born with an internal radar that informs them of the exact moment their parent’s ass makes contact with the toilet seat so that they can immediately swoop in and bombard their mom or dad with total nonsense, such as the need for another Oreo cookie, to sing a few rounds of the ABC song, or discuss, at great lengths, which superhero has the coolest super power and why.
Pooping in peace. It’s the stuff parent dreams are made of.

Haters Gon’ Hate…

Haters gon’ hate, so this one goes out to all the haters.
Hate on haters.
Because really, it ain’t no thang.
No offense, of course.

It’s 5 o’clock…

I sure as hell know where mine is…
The glass is in my left hand, the bottle’s in my right and Mommy’s about to punch out for the night is T-minus 3 hours, 7 minutes and 42 seconds.
It’s Friday night up in here ya’ll.
Holla.
Hope yours is filled with all that and more that makes you smile.

Guilt Tripping…

Because I yelled at, lectured, and nagged both kids.
Three times each.
By 8:45 am this morning.
In desperate need of someone to talk me off the ledge before I jump into a devastating full fledged mommy guilt trip.
Ugh.

NO questions asked…

So does wine, peanut butter by the spoonful and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
Just saying.

Mom is always right…

Dear Kids,

Mom is ALWAYS right.

Any questions?

I didn’t think so.

And that’s one to grow on.

With Love,

Mommy

Today’s FU of the Day Goes To…

Spongebob, his ridiculously named moron friends, and anyone on the face of this Earth who ever had anything to do with creating the damn show. Because honestly, after giving it much thought, I really can’t come up with anything that is more annoying to listen to than that f#*king show.
<presses hands over ears in a desperate attempt to drown out the super irritating, foul-mood inducing opening theme as the kids laugh hysterically at a talking sponge who wears underwear…>

My Mom’s Gone Crazy…

Because just at that very moment your child makes their sixth post-bedtime exit from their room and you feel yourself quickly slipping into psycho-screaming-mommy land…they finally do fall asleep looking like innocent angels and make you completely forget how you almost signed yourself into the looney bin just a few minutes earlier. To crazy and back. Without fail. Every f#*king day.
<sigh>

 

Letters To Heaven…

Mommy: “Camryn, I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma and Grandpa’s dog, Tee passed away today.”
Camryn, 7: (after a few moments of silence) “Mom, can you send mail to heaven?”
Mommy: “Um, I guess so. But why do you ask that?”
Camryn, 7: “Oh, I just wanted to send a letter to Tee to let him know how much I’m going to miss him. That’s all.” (grabs a pen, a sheet of paper and begins writing)
Mommy: “I love your idea, Cam. I am sure he’ll love to read it.” (uses every last ounce of energy to hold back tears)

Mommy’s True Confession of the Day…

This. Probably about four or five times by 9:17 this morning.
Yeah, I said it.
Because today is quickly shaping up to be one of those days mama warned me about.
T minus 9 hours, 47 minutes and 13 second until bedtime.
But who’s counting?
This gal right here, that’s who.

BEWARE WHINY CHILDREN!

And for tonight’s bedtime story reading pleasure we have this gem.
Listen and learn kids.
Consider this your warning.
Now quit it with that f#*king whining crap already or else…

 

Lunchbox Love…

Every once in awhile I put a note in Camryn’s lunchbox. Nothing fancy. Just a quick hello, an I love you and some heart doodles just to make it look pretty.

Earlier this evening while packing her lunch for tomorrow, I stumbled upon this note in her lunchbox.

After over four years of lunchboxed lunches, she decided to take a minute or two to write back to me today.

Sometimes it’s the little things.

Like this.

Because this is what it’s really all about…

<carefully places note in Mommy’s memory box>

Dear OLIVIA

This one goes out to my know it all five-year-old daughter, Olivia…
Since it seems that through her eyes Mommy don’t know jack shit. However, I do know that I can tie my shoes, count all the way to 30, wipe my own butt and eat as many cookies as I want whenever I want. Just saying.

Mommy’s Top Ten Things To Do If I Ever Want To Get My Children’s Undivided Attention:

 1. Sit down in a chair.

2. Take first bite of my dinner.

3. Log online to check my email.

4. Pick up the phone.

5. Lie down on my bed.

6. Attempt to read something other than a children’s book.

7. Try to hold a coherent conversation with another adult. 8. Hop into the shower.

9. Sit down on the toilet.

10. Update my Facebook status.

Without fail. Every f#*king time. <

shudders as the deafening sounds of “Mom, Mommy, Ma, Mama, Mooooooooooomy!” fill the house…>

I simply Love picking up your shit…

A pink and purple striped sock, three Pokeman cards, a turquoise scarf, a cheesestick wrapper, a naked Barbie doll with pink highlighted hair, an overdue library book, a boot, half of a sky blue crayon, the latest Kidz Bop CD, a battery and a half full cup of water and that was only the walk down the hallway. The excitement of what surprises the living room will bring me is almost unbearable…

Take Caution!

Five-year-old Olivia has made four post-bedtime bedroom exits so far tonight. One for water. One for more water. One because she forgot to say goodnight to the cat. And one just to say hi.
Folks, Mommy is quickly approaching the red zone. Brace yourselves and take cover because shit’s about to get cra up in here.
<takes deep breaths while slowly counting to ten>

*credit for this beyond awesome image goes to Rants From Mommyland

I changed my mind. I don’t want to grow up…

Because when you really stop and think about it…this whole laundry, dishes and paying bills thing kinda sucks. Like really f#*king sucks.
<takes a moment to mourn the carefree days when her biggest responsibilities were to decide which toy to play with, which sparkly headband matched best with her new outfit, and which episode of Punky Brewster to watch…sigh>

The REAL MAGIC WORDS…

I’d settle for an uninterrupted trip to the bathroom, but while I’m already dreaming…why not shoot for the f#*king motherload.
<begins creating an extensive to-do list for her housekeeper-to-be>

Mommy’s Recovery Service Incorporated:

You Lose It, We Find It!
Mittens, socks, micro-sized pieces to various toys, hair clips, cookies, shoes, shoelaces, a kangaroo stuffed animal, a sparkly pencil, a purple crayon…there’s just no limit to the possiblities.
<sigh>

The Little Things…

New Year’s Resolutions: Mommy Style…

1. Self-Control: Learn to substitute kid-friendly phrases, such as “Oh, shoot!” and “Darn it to heck!” in place of those other four-letter curse words that usually slip out my mouth when coming in contact with someone driving 13 in a 55 mph zone while I am late to get where we’re going.

2. Tolerance: Learn tolerance while refraining from arguing with, telling off and potentially drop-kicking members of that super elite and super irritating, Mommy-know-it-all society.
3. Acceptance: Learn to accept that the title of supermom does not mean my child’s birthday cupcakes must look exactly like one of those flawless masterpieces on Pinterest and remember that even lopsided Hello Kitty cupcakes taste just as good as perfectly symmetrical ones.

4. Patience: Learn the art of less yelling and more patience…even on those days I am woken up at 6:08 am to the paradise that is a glass of spilled chocolate milk, a super-sized pile of steaming dog shit, no clean socks and two bickering children.

5. Forgiveness: Learn to bring each day to a close by taking a quick moment to remind myself that even though I yelled at the kids, served them mac and cheese from a blue box for dinner, sent Olivia off to school with uneven pigtails, had to wash the same load of laundry three times in a row because I forgot about it, the floors in the house have been begging to be vacuumed since last Wednesday, it really is okay…because tomorrow’s another day without any mistakes in it.

So, 2013 Mommmy of the Year Award…here I come.

Let’s do this.

<dusts off a space on the mantle for award>

She Learned It By Watching Me…

Because when you stop and think about it’s really quite true.
Usually the angrier you get at your kid…
the more they are acting just like you.
Nauseating, yet completely true story.
<scolds daughter once again for being so sarcastic while enduring the sting of knowing the kid learned it by watching a pro in action…her own mother. Ouch.>

Friday Nights Just Ain’t What They Used To Be… (Pre vs. Post Parenthood)

Pre Parenthood: An exciting night out on the town with your spouse filled with such pleasures as a leisurely dinner at a not-so-kid friendly, fancy restaurant followed by a visit to some loud, dark bar where you consume way too many drinks that you actually lose count after the fourth glass of wine which is then followed b…y a trip home to indulge in a round or two of wild sex and ends with you both sleeping until at least noon the next day.

Post Parenthood: Walking hand in hand with your spouse under the glow of flourescent lights while taking a romantic stroll down the aisles of Target on a mission to pick up such exciting items as light bulbs, toilet paper, cat food, Spongebob fruit snacks, cheese sticks and chocolate milk followed by a quick stop at the nearest chain restaurant for a not-so-gourmet bite to eat followed by a pit stop at the ATM to withdraw a wad of cash for the babysitter and then being home and asleep in bed by the latest 9:30pm and ends with you being suddenly woken up by the deafening sound of your child bellowing in your ear, “Mooooooooma! I needs some breakfast NOW please!” at 5:47 am.

Luckily, my little ones haven’t caught on just yet, but it’s only a matter of time until they do, but until then…

Dear Child O’ Mine,

Can you get a pet brown pony and name it Princess? Can you have an ice cream sundae with extra whipped cream for breakfast? Can you go live at Disneyland? Can you go to bed three hours later than usual tonight so you can watch some special Spongebob episode? Ca…n we take a quick look at the toy aisle while we are in Target shopping for milk and toilet paper? Can you interrupt my Facebook time to play yet another round of Angry Birds on my cell phone?
We’ll see, honey. We’ll f#*king see.
With Love,

Mommy

Proud Mommy Moment of the Day #456,789:

That moment when your five-year-old declares that NOBODY, not even Mommy, can look in her new diary and suddenly a wave of curiousity washes over you and you then find yourself totally obsessed with what she may have written in it…
followed up by that moment soon after the five-year-old falls asleep for the night when your heart simply melts as you glance at page one and get a reminder of how freaking awesome your kid truly is…
<quickly wipes away a couple of tears of joy and quietly puts diary back in the EXACT spot it was found>

 

And The 2012 Mommy of the Year Award Goes To…Not Me.

Camryn, 7: “Mommy?”

Mommy: “Yes…” Camryn, 7: “I just wanted to tell you that you are the best mommy in the whole world.”

Mommy: “Aw. Thanks, Cam.”

Camryn, 7: “Um, well. Actually. Now that I think about it…except when you yell because when you yell you are really, really NOT the best mommy in the whole world at all.”

<and just like that I felt myself tumbling straight down from my spot upon the 2012 Mommy of the Year pedestal. Here’s to some better f#*king luck in taking home next year’s award…>

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of The Most Annoying Gifts For Kids:

Mommy’s Official Top Ten List of The Most Annoying Gifts For Kids:

1. Play Doh (especially those super-sized tubs of 30 different colors which the children can never just resist the urge to mix up resulting in 30 containers of gray Play Doh after the first time they open them)

2. Any toy that makes noise of any kind (this includes, but it not limited to squeaking noises, ringing bells, and auto-tuned voices )

3. Any toy that makes noise with the option for the child to make the volume louder

4. Moon Sand (in any quantity because all it takes is a little bit to cause serious carpet and clothing damage)

5. Slime (no matter the color or amount because this stuff is just trouble waiting to happen…in your kid’s hair and socks)

6. Any board game that requires more than two players therefore necessitating you to actually participate in the game when instead you could be tackling laundry, dirty dishes or Facebook)

7. Any Justin Bieber related item (this includes, but is not limited to, CD’s, DVD’s and obnoxiously loud and out of tune singing dolls)

8. Any micro-mini-sized toys that once lost shall never be found again (yet you still find yourself being guilted into searching every last inch of the house, car and last four stores you visited to try to find it)

9. Gumball filled toys that your kids will risk breaking a tooth on

10. A toy microphone to amplify their every whine, complaint, battle with their sibling, and their numerous attempts at covers of Kesha, Flo-Rida, and One Direction.
*Ok, it’s your turn. The most annoying gift your child has ever received was _______.

ALL I Want For Xmas is XXL Sweatpants…

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a pair of XXL sweatpants.

Sincerely,
Should’ve Probably Skipped That Third Slice of Apple Pie

Merry Dysfunctional Christmas…

Have yourself a dysfunctional little Christmas…
from our dysfunctional family to yours and may all of your wishes come true.

A Mommy Without a F#*king Clue…

Dear Mommies,

Keep calm, carry on, and just pretend to know what you’re doing.

With Love,
A Mommy Without a F#*king Clue

iphone, ipad, itouch, i don’t want to spend that much on a Christmas gift…

That unsettling moment your kid hands you the final copy of their official 2012 Christmas list and it is made up of not one, but two, 11×17 sheets of paper taped together and the first three things on the list begin with the letter i.
<missing the days when a piece of ribbon, a box and some wrapping paper did the trick and did it really f#*king well>

Equally Annoying…

Because some days it really is a toss up between child #1’s super annoying tantrums over such things as not being allowed a third cookie for dessert and being told to turn off the tv while iCarly is on and child #2’s super annoying roller coaster mood swings over absolutely nothing…

A Mother’s Prayer…

To all my fellow mommies who woke up today swearing today would be the day they wouldn’t yell…and then 7:13 am rolled around and began the morning chaos that was a full glass of spilled chocolate milk, a mountain of mushy dog shit on the rug, multiple wardrobe malfunctions and a few intense rounds of sibling rivalry over such important things as headbands, Pokeman cards and whether to watch Spongebob or Almost Naked Animals…
and that’s about when I decided to say f#*k it, because there’s always tomorrow…or the day after that.

Is The End of The World Truly Upon Us?

But just to be on the safe side…
I’m going for seconds on dessert tonight.
Just saying.

Don’t Be #10…

Dear Husband,

Don’t be that guy. Don’t be #10.

Consider this your warning.

Love Always,

Your Adoring Wife

(Who Is Always Right No Matter What)

Mommy’s Murphy Law #4,321: Tis the Season For Germs…

T-minus three days until the kids’ holiday vacation from school begins. Cue the sniffles NOW and let the fevers, snotty noses and sore throats arrive EXACTLY four days from now.
Without fail.
Every f#*king year.
Bah humbug.

Phrases Mommy’s Fear…

Along with other phrases which inlude, but are not limited to:
1. “Wow! Someone come and see how glittery I am now!”
2. “Mommy, guess if this is chocolate or poop on my hand?”
3. “These scissors cut hair really good! Come look at me now!”

Seven-Year-Old Camryn’s Cautionary Tip of the Day:

Think very carefully before agreeing to a pinky promise, because  word on the playground is if you break the promise the results are devastating. You lose your pinky forever.
Consider yourselves warned. No need for thanks.

A Five Year Old Calls It Like They See It…

Because a five-year-old calls it like they see it…
and nine times out of ten says EXACTLY what you’re thinking and only wished you could get away with saying outloud.
<high fives five-year-old Olivia for yet another job well done>

Leftovers In The House!

Dear Kids,

Bon appetit. Again.

Love,
Mommy

The Prettiest Elf on the Shelf…

So, it seems seven-year-old Camryn has grown somewhat desperate as Christmas approaches and has taken to flattery in an attempt to erase her wrong doings this past year (which include, but are not limited to, excessive whining, sneaking a third AND fourth Oreo cookie, and sticking her tongue out at her mother when she mistakenly thought the coast was clear) in order to win over our Elf on the Shelf so that she shall return to the North Pole each night and report only good things back to her buddy, Santa Claus.

I learned of this scheme earlier this evening upon reaching for the elf to move her to a new spot in the house.

It was then that I came across a little pink envelope stuffed with a piece of matching pink paper that had the following message neatly printed on it and surrounded by lopsided hearts:

Dear Ava the Elf,

You are soooooo pretty.

Love, Camryn

PS: Happy Holidays!!!!! HO! HO! HO!

Uncovering the Positive…

While struggling to find the right words to make my children feel safe, I happened to stumble upon these wise word from the legendary Mr. Fred Rogers on a friend’s Facebook page. Thank you, Mr. Rogers for the reminder that although it a struggle to see it during times like these…there is always something positive to be found beneath it all.

A Life Free Of Fear And Violence…

Holiday Card Photo Shoot with Kids…

 Lights have been hung, trees have been decorated and wrapped gifts of all shapes and sizes are waiting patiently to be opened. Alas, it can only mean one thing…it’s time for this year’s installment of the hell that is known as the…

~Holiday Card Photo Shoot with Kids~

Photo Shoot Checklist:

1. Two cranky, uncooperative, and whiny children.

2. Two carefully selected color-coordinated outfits with matching headbands which both kids will complain are not their favorite color, uncomfortable, and yucky before they even try them on

3. A king sized bag of M & M’s for bribing purposes.

4. Mommy’s scary “don’t mess with me, because I mean business” voice to ensure smiles in at least one of the photographs.

5. A box of tissues to wipe the children’s tears after Mommy yells when they refuse to sit within five feet of eachother.

6. Another box of tissues for Mommy to wipe the sweat dripping from her forehead.

7. A quarter sized hole and seven inch run in one of the kid’s tights that is impossible to hide no matter how you pose them for the photo.

8. An extra set of batteries since the first set will die at the very moment both kids are actually smiling.

9. A list of other various bribes to elicit somewhat genuine-looking smiles which include, but are not limited to, a visit to the nearest ice cream shop, a pack of Pokeman cards or another king sized bag of M & M’s.

10. A few bottles of well-deserved wine chilling in the refrigerator to aid in Mommy’s recovery later that evening from the sheer hell that is…the Holiday Photo Shoot with Kids.

Because I’m The Mother!

Dear Kids,

In response to all of your way too frequent inquiries which usually include, but are not limited to the following:

– Why can’t I have that big bag of Nestle Crunch Bars for dinner?

– Why can’t I watch a fifth episode of Spongebob Squarepants?

– Why can’t we listen to Kidz Bop 22 on repeat in the car?

– Why can’t we pretend it’s Sunday instead of Thursday and I”ll just stay home from school?

– Why can’t I stay up as late as you and join you while you watch tv and eat that special ice cream you hide in the back of the freezer?

– Why do you always get to be the boss around here?

Please see the attached below. If you should have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to refer to the attached below once again and repeat as necessary.

With Love Always,

Mommy

They say the average four year old asks 437 questions a day…

(Please note: the majority of these questions are usually asked through the bathroom door while you are trying to take care of business on the toilet, while you are on an important telephone call, logging onto the computer to read an urgent email, just waking up in the morning, or attempting to put the child to bed for the night.)

Motherhood Perk #7,443:

Getting the opportunity to revisit, fully enjoy and share all the joy and genius that is this literary classic with the little ones during tonight’s storytime…

If You Give Five Year Old Olivia a Crayon…

She will ask you for a piece of purple paper to draw on.

When you tell her you don’t have any purple paper, she will whine for five minutes straight until finally agreeing to use the pink piece of paper you offered her instead.

While drawing, she will begin to complain that she is hungry and in desperate need of a snack.

You will kindly offer her cookies, pretzels or a banana.

She will yell that all of those snacks are “super yucky” and after another eight minutes of whining, will begin eating and clearly enjoying the pretzels.

Next, she will ask you for a drink of milk.

After only one sip of the full cup of milk, she will spill it all over her drawing on the pink paper and immediately fall into one of her infamous monster-sized tantrums.

Then, you will then lose any patience you may have left and you will yell.

Loud.

Really f#*king loud.

Like a lunatic.

Finally, Olivia will look up, roll her eyes at you and declare, “Geesh, you don’t have to yell like that, Mommy.” and within seconds, a supersized wave of Mommy guilt will wash over you.

The end.

It’s The Great Menorah, Charlie Brown…

Camryn, 7: “So, Mom. I was just thinking about something that I just don’t understand. At Halloween time, I saw they played It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown on TV. And now that it is almost Christmas, I see they are playing A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV.  So, when are they going to start showing A Charlie Brown Hanukkah?”

Elf Peer Pressure…

Dear Over-Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Moms,

So, I caved to the peer pressure and decided it was time I stepped up my Elf on the shelf game. I just can’t let myself stand in your shadows. Oh no. I’m so proud of myself for not forgetting  to move the elf tonight. In fact, I even made it a priority to find the time to create one of those fun little scenes just like you always do with your elves. I th…ink the kids will be pleased in the morning. Don’t you agree?

Sincerely, A Former Under-Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Mommy

*Although I am unable to locate who it is that is the genuis behind this photo I saw floating around the internet recently, I offer a big hearty thank you and a double thumbs up for it it is one of the best photos I have seen in a long time. Hats off to you.

Silence is Golden… (Unless You Have Kids)

Because the silence may be due to the little gem keeping busy (and by busy, I mean wreaking pure havoc) by cutting the cat’s whiskers, or flushing a Barbie doll down the toilet, or painting the dog’s nails (and most of their paws) with bright red nailpolish, or skating around the kitchen floor in a puddle of broken eggs, or writing (and misspelling) the…ir name in black Sharpie marker on their forehead, or dumping an entire bottle of baby powder on the floor to make it look “snowy” in their bedroom, or sprinkling silver and gold glitter on the dog to make her sparkle and shine, or ransacking Mommy’s closet to entertain themself with a round of dress-up.

Therefore, today’s lesson is silence and kids just don’t mix. Like, never. So, beware of the silence. Question it, investigate it and always expect the worst.

And that, my fellow parents…is one to grow on.

WOW MOM

<slips on her Super Mommy cape and sets off to conquer the day…like a boss>

If I Was Your Boyfriend I’d Never Let You Go…

Disclaimer: I feel it necessary to admit to the fact that although my Bieber performances are pretty badass, they are in fact sometimes just slightly shy of totally badass awesome without my two little backup singers in the backseat singing along like it’s their job…

The First 40…

Keeping my eyes on the prize that is the day they finally make their own dinner, do their own laundry, clean their own rooms, tie their shoes and wipe their own butts. Only 35 years, 2 months, 15 hours, 27 minutes and 2 seconds to go.

But, who’s counting? This gal right here, that’s who.

<sounds of “Moooomy! I need yoooou!” fill the house>

Joy Worthy…

Thank you to everyone who posted to…
You know you are in desperate need of a Mommy vacation when ___________.
The replies were beyond funny and had me laughing my ass off for days.
Fellow mommy and author Julie McGrath has selected three winners to receive her new book, Joy-Worthy: A Mother’s Guide to More Joy, Less Stress and No Guilt.
Due to the fact there were so many replies to the post, Julie would also like to offer those who did not win, the opportunity to buy her book at a discounted price.
Visit http://tinyurl.com/BeJoyWorthy to purchase the book.
Because after all, every mommy should have this one on her bookshelf…

I Am Mom…

So, did I miss any?

Mommy’s In A Timeoout…

Dear Darling Little Angels o’ Mine,
Please make note of the “Do NOT Disturb” sign on the door. Please jot down all messages, requests, demands and complaints on a sheet of paper and then promptly crumble it up and toss it in the trashcan. Thanks so much for your time, patience and understanding. It is greatly appreciated. Mommy shall be back on duty as soon as it is humanly possible.
Signed,
The Management a.k.a. Mommy

 

Mommy’s Grateful Moment of the Day #458:

Here’s to you Elf and chocolate filled Advent calendars. For all you do to make my kids get dressed in the morning, eat their food including the carrots, clear their dishes after a meal, pick up their toys and put them where they actually belong instead of in a drawer, brush their teeth for more than 12 seconds, feed the cats, complete their homework without a fight… I bow down to you and your magical powers while offering you a great big thank you from the bottom of my ever so grateful Mommy heart.

<heads to the store to buy a whole year’s worth of Advent calendar and invites creepy looking Elf to stick around all year with the promise of endless cookies and milk all year long>

I Failed…

There is no doubt in my mind that these kids were born with an internal radar that notifies them to drop whatever it is they are doing in order to run as fast as they can so they can swoop in at the exact moment Mommy picks up the phone and bombard her with completely unimportant bullshit questions, such as which character is the best on Spongebob, forcing her to have no choice but to press the mute button at least 72 times during a five minute conversation to hide the fact she is yelling at them like a raging lunatic while bribing them with a bag of M&M’s in order to get them to shutup.
Sad, but true story.
Without fail.
Every f#*king time the phone rings…
<shakes fist>

Freebie Alert!

 Fellow mommy and author Julie McGrath will be randomly selecting three mommies who reply to this post to receive her new book, Joy-Worthy: A Mother’s Guide to More Joy, Less Stress and No Guilt. Those selected will be notified via Facebook by Dec. 7. Learn more about her book at www.thejoysource.com.

PS: I read it, loved it and happen to be quoted in the book. … Just saying.

*Now on your mark, get set…POST! You know you are in desperate need of a Mommy vacation when ____________.

Turning Into My Mother One Line At a Time…

Must to my dismay, I dropped the following lines on the kids by 9:14 AM:
1. “I must be speaking another language because no one around here ever does what I ask them to!”

2. “Don’t even make me come up there little lady!”

3. “When you grow up, you can be the boss too!”

4. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”
<hangs head in shame>

Dear Creative Elf Moms…

Dear Overachieving Super-Creative Elf on the Shelf Moms,

Cut this shit out. You’re making us moms who can barely remember to simply move the stupid creepy-eyed puppet each night to a different spot in the house look bad through the eyes of our elf-loving children. Like, really f#*king bad. So, I ask you once again…cut this shit out.

With Gratitude,
An exhausted mom who forgot to move the dumb elf three times last week and can easily think of 3,438 other things she’d rather spend her time on than staging traumatizing elf scenerios throughout the house each night

You’re Welcome…

Because someone’s gotta just put it out there, tell it like it is and say all those shockingly obnoxious, disturbing and/or insane things everyone else is thinking but never say.
So, I’m sorry. And by sorry, I mean you’re welcome.
<insert creepy evil Mommie Dearest laugh>

Too F #*king Early…

That bittersweet moment during the evening when you glance at the clock and find yourself beginning to count how many hours of sleep you will actually get to indulge in before the kids wake you up by parading through your bedroom crashing cymbals together and playing a trumpet while singing their very own mashed-up version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never.” <sigh>

 

A Saturday Night Toast…

A Saturday Night Toast to The Mommies and Daddies…
<raises wine glass>
May your Saturday night be filled with peace, quiet, children who go to bed on time and whatever else takes you to your happy place. Cheers.
<gulps down wine like it’s her j-o-b>

Friday Night Ala Mommy Style…

Time to start gearing up for yet another crazy Friday night ala Mommy style…So, let the laundry folding, dish washing, toy tidying-up, DVR catching up, snack food gorging, wine consuming, and calling it a day by falling asleep by 8:34 pm begin. Because if being asleep before 9:00 pm on a Friday is wrong…this Mommy don’t want to be right.

Camryn

Dear Camryn,

To the three-year-old girl who simply wouldn’t hear of standing next to a bar to learn first position, so instead breakdanced her way through her first and last ballet lesson. To the four-year-old girl who came across a wombat stuffed animal in the toy store and chose to buy him over all the cute, fuzzy teddy bears and floppy eared puppy stuffed animals. To the five-year-old girl who prefers to draw pictures of stingrays, the life cycle of seeds and pygmy marmosets over princesses, unicorns and hearts. To the six-year-old girl who can tell you every detail there is to know about every single Pokeman character there is. To the seven year old rockstar I am damn proud to call my daughter. May she always sparkle, follow her heart and chase her dreams no matter what they may be today on her seventh birthday and always. Keep on rocking little lady and happy birthday to you.

Love You Always to the Moon and Back and to Infinity and Beyond,

Mommy

Mommy’s Xmas Wish List…

Dearest Santa,

While we’re at it, please consider me for the following desperately needed gifts as well this coming Christmas:

1. a chef who cooks healthy foods my children will actually eat.

2. a maid who specializes in laundry, scrubbing toilets and vacuuming up pet hair.

3. a nanny, however not one that is prettier, skinnier or funnier than I am

4. an uninterrupted night of sleep void of children begging to take up residence in my bed at approximately 3:00, 4:00, and 4:17 AM.

5. the ability to take a shit, shower and shave without 3 and half foot tall visitors demanding another glass of milk, another episode of Spongebob Squarepants or help wiping their butt

6. a privacy glass divider to be used at my discretion to drown out any whining and bickering while driving with the kids in the backseat

7. the ability to eat a salad without being guilted into giving away the croutons, bacon bits and olives to begging children

8. weekly kid-free trips to Target at which time I can leisurely stroll the store without having to put into place a strategic plan of attack in order to avoid the toy aisles

9. the ability to finally finish a library book without having to owe $14.25 in overdue fines
10. An unlimited supply of wine in order to always ensure my new wine cup is filled to the brim.

With Love and Holiday Cheer,
Mommy

Mommy Vs. Lois…

Feeling good about yourself? Ask your kid to draw a picture of you.

<and feel yourself get knocked down a few pegs after your child proudly hands you their creation and you immediately notice the strikingly obvious resemblance between yourself and Family Guy’s Lois> ‘

*Now, here’s the part where you post a drawing your child made of you and I start to feel better knowing I am not alone in my Mommy portrait woes. Please. Pretty please.

We Have a Winner!

Ding! Ding! Ding!
Folks, it looks like a we have today’s lucky winner.
Let’s hear it for Mommy and her special evening that shall be free of draining, frustrating and straight up annoying homework battles!
A great big congratulations to Mommy!

<Mommy jumps up and down like a lunatic waving no homework pass>

It’s Time for Tonight’s Installment of Dinnertime Hell…

And just like that it’s crept up on me again. That moment when the kids blindside you by asking what’s for dinner and you have no f#*king idea. Not even a clue. Which is immediately followed up by that moment when you realize you used the last box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the house as a poor excuse for yesterday’s dinner. Immediatel…y followed up by that moment you slowly walk over to the kitchen cabinet while praying with all your might that you will find four slices of mold-less bread, a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of grape jelly in there to save the day.

<bids farewell to her 2013 Mommy of the Year Award while licking a gob of peanut butter off of the knife>

Not So Proud Mommy Moment of the Day #996,884…

And even though Mama said there’d be days like this,
I swear she forgot this fine detail to fully ensure she’d be a grandmother one day.
Well played, Mom. Well played.
True story.

Way Over 21…

Dear Liquor Store Clerk,

Although we both are well aware of the clearly obvious fact that I am old enough to be your mom, please find it in your heart to ask me for my proof of age anyway and take pride in the fact you made an old lady’s f#*king day.

Signed,

Way Over 21

<heads home to drown her aging sorrows with a bottle of red>

Just be yourself. Everyone else is taken.

A True F#*king Story…

There’s the f#*king dirty dishes staring at me while waiting to be cleaned. There’s the f#*king laundry in the washing machine that needs to be run once again becasue Mommy completely forgot about it for the fourth time today. There’s the steaming pile of f#*king dog shit on the kitchen floor that needs to be attended to. There’s the f#*king trail of toys that must be put away so no one breaks an ankle while walking through the house. There’s the f#*king bills on the counter that needed to be paid by yesterday. There’s the f#*king refrigerator that is home to a half full bottle of expired ketchup, a shriveled up apple and a bottle of Mommy’s favorite wine that is simply begging to be filled with food. However, there’s the f#*king oversized wine glass in the cabinet that is screaming to be filled with the f#”*king wine in the fridge and you know what that means?
It’s f#*king time for Mommy to indulge in a glass or three and watch her worries fade the f#*k away.
Cheers, bottoms up and a goodnight to all…

Ode To The Know It All Mom…

Here’s to you know-it-all mom with those crazy ass kids wreaking havoc on the frozen food aisle of Target while you hover over my shopping cart lecturing me on how to raise my children. Carry on woman before I hit you upside your ignorant head with a bag of frozen peas. Consider yourself warned.

 

Black Friday…

Because after all, what else earns you bonus points towards winning the Mommy of the Year 2012 award like sacrificing a night of sleep, my sanity and my safety while battling the crowds to get my children that Baby Butterscotch Pony, Monster High Draculaura doll, and that Kidz Bop Mega Star Microphone in hot pink that they have been begging you for at least three times a day since they first saw the commericals for them four months ago.
<begins writing her award acceptance speech…>

Food Coma in Full Effect…

A mountain of turkey drowning in gravy, two extra large heaping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, enough stuffing to feed a family of four, and a slice of pumpkin pie the size of my head covered in whipped cream have all taken residence in my belly.
<hangs head in shame while simultaneously beginning to fantasize about once again gorging herself on leftovers tomorrow>

Top Ten Things Mommy is Super Thankful for This Thanksgiving:

1. Wine.

2. Spongebob tv show marathons for those times I am teetering on the edge of sanity.

3. The secret hiding place in the freezer that houses Mommy’s secret stash of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

4. The lock on the bathroom door because without it I’d never be able to have a coherent telephone conversation or poop in peace.

5. Beer.

6. Finding a no homework pass in my child’s school folder at 8:00 pm on a Monday night.

7. Microwaveable macaroni and cheese for those especially hectic evenings when my brain can’t handle thinking up a real dinner.

8. Cherry Tootsie Pops and the fact my children still fall victim to my shameless bribes when asked to refrain from playing hide and seek in the clothing racks at Macy’s.

9. That my children have finally mastered how to properly operate the tv, dvd and dvr allowing me precious extra minutes of sleep in the mornings.

10. Vodka.
<what are YOU thankful for this year?>

Thanksgiving…

And just like that another Thanksgiving has arrived.
So, bring on the passive aggressive commentary,
the bickering and the whining and… let the games begin.

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day #318,658:

That moment you look back at your kids once last time before they enter the school doors and you start to well up as you watch them take a moment of their own to give eachother a hug before starting the day.
<makes mental note to remind herself of this moment when they return home from school at 3:45 pm and immediately begin screaming at eachother like wild bear cubs over whether they will watch SpongeBob or Victorious.>

Do As I Say, Not As I Do…

That moment when you are completely appalled and rendered speechless at how obnoxious your child is being to you and the sting that follows soon after as you come to realize they learned it by watching you.

This. Today. Three times before the clock even read 10:00 am.
<hangs head in shame>

Backfire…

Without fail. Every. F#*king. Time.
<sigh>

The Offensive Truth…

Because someone’s gotta say all those crazy, potentially offensive and appalling things that run through all of our Mommy heads at one time or another.

That’s where I come in.

You’re welcome.

Mommy The Explorer…

You know your new haircut didn’t quite turn out looking like that fabulous magazine photo of Gwyneth Paltrow you brought to your hairdresser when the following conversation takes place upon your arrival home from the salon…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom! Looks like you got a haircut, huh?”

Mommy: “Yep. I did. Ya like it?”

Camryn, 6: Well..uh, I do like it, but there’s ah, just one thing.”

Mommy: “Go on. Lay it on me, Cam.”

Camryn: “Ok. Fine. I’ll just say it. You look like Dora.”

Mommy: “As in the explorer?”

Camryn, 6: “Yeah.”

Mommy, 6: “That’s something that should’ve been kept to yourself.”

Camryn, 6: “Whoops.”

Mommy True Confession #987,543:

Some nights, after one of those especially frustrating, draining and straight up horrible days, when the kids have finally gone to bed and the sweet sound of silence fills the air…I plant my ass on the couch with a super sized bowl of cookies and cream ice cream, pat myself on the back for a job well done and wait for the phone to ring so the Mommy of the Year Board of Directors can tell me where to go to pickup my award. Because, damn it. I earned that shit.
<takes a bow>

Mom’s Night Out (MNO):

a night out with fellow mommy friends, sans kids, to relax, decompress, rejuvenate and take a break from all things Mommy…at which you will all, undoubtedly, spend 97% of the night discussing, in great detail, your children and motherhood.

Mommy’s Coming For Ya…

Mommy True Confession #456,789:

I may or may not have let one, or six,”Oh Shit’s” slip by 9:00 am this morning while in the presence of the little ones.
Sad, embarrassing, yet completely true story.
<sigh>

I think I can. I think I can…

Holiday Shopping Pre and Post Kids…

It’s almost here, folks…
the dreaded task of holiday shopping with kids en tow…
This one has a permanent spot on my personal top ten list of things I hate with a f#*king vengance.
True story.

Mommy’s About To Lose Her Shit Moment #88,642:

Q: What’s worse than being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic?
A: Being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with a five and six year old in the backseat who feel it is their duty to remind you every 43 seconds that “the car hasn’t even moved one stupid inch in like forever and because of that you’ll probably never even get them to school before lunchtime today.”

A Big Fat Liar…

Dear Scale,

You’re a big fat liar. Go to hell.

Sincerely,
A Scorned Mommy

Mommy Guilt In Full Effect…

Because I yelled at the kids today. A lot. Over nothing that really required yelling about. Because I lost my patience with the kids today. A lot. Over things that really didn’t matter at all. Because I let more than a few “oh shit’s,” “damn it’s,” and possibly a couple of F bombs slip out today in front of the kids. Because I changed the radio station when they asked me to leave it on so they could listen to that new Kesha song because I couldn’t bear to listen to it a seventh time today. Because I said no when they begged for mini M&M’s on top of their ice cream desserts. Because I failed, once again, to live up to the highly coveted title of “Super Mommy.” But then again, there’s always tomorrow…or the day after that.

Bottoms Up!

While only halfway through a day chockful of whining, sibling rivalry and countless “Mommy, I’m booooored’s” I have suddenly realized something very important and instrumental in helping me survive these trying times…it’s five o’clock somewhere.

Heads Up! It’s Another Curveball!

Because just when you think you’ve got this whole Mommy thing on lockdown…that kid of yours throws you a curve ball and knocks you right on your Mommy ass.
Every. F#*king. Time.

Brilliant. Just Brilliant.

Why does Facebook give me the option to “like” my own status?
Of course I like it.
Because after all, I am f#*king hilarious.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

M.O.M – Master of Multitasking…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom. What does a hen do if she is laying an egg at the same exact time she has to poop?”

Mommy: “Well, I guess she does what all mothers do.”

Camryn, 6: “Well, what’s that?”

Mommy: “She multitasks.”

Home Sweet Home…

However, the kids may just send a glance your way if you yell, scream and shriek whatever you need to say like a crazy lunatic mom trying out for the role of Mommie Dearest.
I mean, not that I’d know or anything.
Just an idea.

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day…

“Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is. Wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” ~ Dr. Jonas Salk

ALERT! ALERT!

Patience reserves are at an all time low today.
Stay back 500 feet at all times.
And to my very own pint sized patience zappers that I call my children….this means you.
Consider yourselves warned.

I Forbid You!

“Hey kids! Whatever you do…do NOT even think about doing the laundry, washing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting or cleaning your rooms! I absolutely forbid you!”
<crosses fingers>

Gearing Up For the Family Vacay Olivia Style…

Olivia, 5: “I have good news, Mom. I already packed my bag for our trip and don’t worry, I have EVERYTHING I would ever need.”

1. Metallic gold fur-lined boots and sequined Hello Kitty sneakers to ensure no matter which pair of shoes she chooses to wear on the trip, everyone within a fifteen mile radius sees her coming.

2. An unopened package of butterfly stickers to stick all over herself, her sister, the back of Mommy’ s head and the car during the four hour drive.

3. Some light reading material about super powered ponies and galloping to help pass the time while traveling.

4. A bottle of Mommy’s perfume which she already sprayed on herself 48 times before getting in the car causing all other passengers in the car to choke on her overpowering floral scent for the entire ride.

5. Cheese Doodles, in both puffed and crunchy form, to fill her belly and leave orange dust all over her hands, face, the car window and any other surface within two inches of her car seat.

6. A juice box, which she will down with just one super-sized sip, to wash down the cheese doodles and then complain moments later that she needs to “goes to the potty really, really bad because she is about to pee in her pants. For reals!”

7. A Tinkerbell bag with easy to use drawstring top for easy access to and transporting of all her vacay necessities.

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on my scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, Olivia’s pigtails are supposed to be straight, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, Camryn’s supposed to clean her room, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

Mommy True Confession #457,665:

Strategically hidden behind those boxes of not-so-exciting animal crackers and less-than-thrilling Nilla Wafers in the kitchen cabinet is the home of Mommy’s secret collection of goodness. There you will find such delicious morsels as Peanut Butter Cup Chips Ahoy, Candy Corn flavored Oreo’s and Nutter Butters. And no, Mommy doesn’t share her cookies…ever…with anyone. True story.

The $206.31 Red T-Shirt…

Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,563: Your child will notify you no sooner than 8 pm on a Sunday night that they are required to wear the color red to school for drug-free week the following day.
Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,564: There is not be a speck of red to be found on any article of clothing in the sea of neon pink, purple, rhinestones and sequins that make up your child’s closet.
Mommy Law #4,565: After driving like a lunatic to make it to Target before closing time to purchase “just a red shirt and nothing more” you will end up spending $8.99 on the shirt and $197.32 on a cart full of shit you didn’t even want, need or intend on ever buying before you stepped foot inside the store. (*see obnoxiously overstuffed and overflowing cart below)

Ode To Oversized Sweaters…

Dear Oversized Sweaters,
Thank you for your kindness, magical powers to hide those extra ten pounds and for making it simply okay to eat that second bowl of rigatoni ala vodka.
With Much Gratitude,
Mommy

 

The Elf on the Shelf has entered the building…

Let the good behavior and obeying Mommy’s every single command commence for if it doesn’t my threat to extend a warm welcome to the Elf to stick around our house way after Christmas is over shall become a harsh reality for the little ones.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

<insert evil Mommie Dearest-esque laugh>

The Key To Happiness…

Today’s FU Award Of The Day…

Mommy: <enters elevator with two daughters at her side and smiles politely at soon to reveal her true colors moron lady>
Moron Lady: “Hmmm. You don’t have any boys, huh? Just girls?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Moron Lady: <dramtically shaking head in disgust> “Well, you know what? I’d rather have 25 boys that have to raise one girl.”

A big congratulations to moron lady for earning today’s FU Of The Day Award. Your condescending look of disapproval, asinine commentary regarding the gender of my children and uncanny ability to take inappropriate commentary to a whole new level have earned you the FU Of The Day Award.

Because Everybody’s a F#*king Expert…

(*note to self: order two of these gems in a girls size 6 as soon as possible and be sure to have kids wear them when we are in the company of one of those almighty super perfect moms who seem to always be equipped with and ready to spew a perfect solution to your every mommy woe yet their kids are shooting spitballs at everyone in the room while swinging from the chandelier on the ceiling.)

Frienemies…

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again…all in a matter of minutes. Such is the life of siblings.

Work, laundry, dishes, bills, and cellulite…the stuff grown up dreams are made of…

The Official Mommy’s Hurricane Preparedness Checklist:

1. A supply of wine to numb the pain of being cooped up in the house with the kids for 48+ hours straight.

2. A wide variety of comfort foods including family sized bags of Doritos in both Cool Ranch and Spicy Nacho flavors, a huge jug of marshmallow fluff, a loaf of bread, and an extra large sized jar of peanut butter in order to eat away the stress.

3. A 600 count bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol for those excruciating sibling rivalry-induced headaches.

4. Multiple packages of AA batteries to keep handheld video games alive and children entertained at all times.

5. A bottle of Valium in case the Tylenol doesn’t do the trick.

6. Three bags chockful of $24 worth of dollar store crafts to keep the little ones occupied when the batteries die in their video games.

7. Freshly installed heavy duty child-proof door lock on Mommy’s bedroom door to ensure there’s a safe haven to escape to when the kids get unruly.

8. Two completely identical flashlights that the kids will inevitably find a reason to argue over anyway when the power goes out.

9. Earplugs to drown out the incessant whining of the phrase ” Moooooomy! I’m Booooored!”

10. More wine.

Introducing the 2013 “Mommy’s Dream” Model Minivan…

While moms have the option to fully customize the vehicle to their own specific needs, this beauty already comes fully equipped with the follwing luxury amenities you have always dreamed of:

– A fully stocked mini-bar including such snacktime favorites as Goldfish crackers, Scooby Doo fruit snacks, cheesesticks, yogurt sticks and Juicy Juice juiceboxes.

– An extensive library of kid-friendly music, including such chart toppers as Kidz Bop volumes 1 thru 23, The Wiggles and Justin Bieber, all available at the push of a button.

– A wide array of videogames, toys and arts and crafts materials to satisfy the needs, demands and wildest dreams of all age children.

-And last, but most definitely not least…a full time personal assistant to meet every one of the children’s 3,562 demands per minute while you try your damndest to focus on successfully completing the ten mile ride to the supermarket for a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and yet another box of those f#*king Scooby Doo fruit snacks to replenish the mini-bar for the next car ride.

Not So Proud Mommy Moment #45,658:

If looks could kill, my six year old would have just kicked my ass from here to Timbuktu after learning the harsh truth that the one last Snickers bar from her Halloween bag is no longer available for consumption because it has a new home in my belly.
<reminds self to sleep with one eye open>

A gem of a conversation overhead in the theater during today’s showing of Wreck-It Ralph…

Mom (whispering as if she’s in a helicopter): “Jack, I don’t want you eating anymore of the candy.”
Jack: “But why?”
Mom: “It can make you fat. Give it to me.”
Jack (speaking loudly enough for each and every person in the  theater to hear him loud and clear): “Um ok, Mom. But, make sure I don’t catch you eating the candy because after all, it can make YOU fat too.”

<And this round goes to Jack. Well played, little man. Well played.>

Mommy Fill In The Blank #4,598:

You know you are a parent when_____________________.

For example, you know you are a parent when you finally crawl into your bed at the end of an exhausting, overwhelming day and you are greeted by a rainbow colored Slinky, a half-eaten cheese stick and a stuffed animal hedgehog stabbing you in ass.

Mommy bonus points if they’re smiling…

Calling All Mommies! Want to Lose That Mommy Guilt? Here’s How…

Go check out the new book, Joy-Worthy. Joy-Worthy gives you the scoop on how to let go of the five types of “mommy guilt;” how to deal with Martyrs, Joy Suckers and Not-Worthy Women; and how to get your joy back even if you feel isolated, angry or frustrated.

The book includes a series of journal entry questions for self-reflection, and tried-and-true tips on how to give yourself a break from the daily routine, reduce and manage stress, and build resilience and inner strength.

Author Julie McGrath also offers strategies for taking the risk to move beyond your comfort zone, and tips for rediscovering the goals and dreams you might have lost in the chaos of motherhood. Whether you’re just adjusting to motherhood, chasing toddlers, sparring with teens, or facing an empty nest with no idea of xcpertwho you are anymore, this book shows you how to reclaim your strong, confident and joyful self.

If you are not fully participating in your own life, Joy-Worthy is your wake-up call, because life doesn’t stop and wait until you feel ready. It’s time to stop that vicious cycle of blah and get moving in the direction of your dreams!

And a big thank you to Julie for including various excerpts from Where’s The F#*ing Mommy Manual? in the book and my review of her book right smack dab on the back cover!

http://tinyurl.com/JoyWorthy

Cleaning Pre and Post Kids…

“Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
~ Phyllis Diller

Top Ten Things You Hope To Never Hear Come From Your Child’s Mouth (but most likely will at some point or another):

1. Wow! These scissors cut my hair really well! I should be a haircutter when I grow up!

2. Mommy! Hurry! Come upstairs and look at me! I’m so super, super glittery now!

3. Don’t you agree that the cat looks so much cuter now that I trimmed her whiskers?

4. Hey Mom, take a guess. Is this poop or chocolate on my hand?

5. Hey Dad, did you even know that Mommy has really, really hairy privates? I totally saw it today when I walked into the bathroom while she was peeing.

6. Mom! I have great news! I raised my hand first and got picked when my teacher asked who would like to take care of our class pet, Mr. Nibbles the mouse over the entiore two week Christmas school vacation.

7. Mom, I was just wondering if this black Sharpie marker moustache will ever come off of my face?

8. I know another word that rhymes with truck…fuck! I can’t wait to use the new word I just learned. F#*k, f#*k, f#*K!

9. Hey Mom!? Is that person standing right behind us in line a girl or a boy!? I can’t decide.

10. Mom, your collection of expensive lipsticks work so much better than those silly washable fingerpaints we have for all those awesome paintings I just did of Spongebob on my bedroom walls.

<Because we all have at least one, you are cordially invited to share your very own all time favorite “Did my kid really just freaking say that moment” now. Go.>

Every. F#*king. Time.

Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom:

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Spongebob, The Wiggles and Doodlebops.

2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a cotton candy flavored yogurt stick on the side for lunch and dinner…in the same day.

3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The Usa,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.

4. Be convinced to purchase and serve cereal with artificially colored marshmallows in it for breakfast.

5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to count as my very own dinner.

6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face all in less than 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Being completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, four days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove the remnants of Oreos off of my child’s face after discovering I never replenished my supply of baby wipes in my pocketbook.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”

Today’s Forecast…

Today’s Forecast: Sunshine throughout the day with a high chance of periods of severe tantrums, tears and whining…

Concert Night…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, did I just hear you say we have a babysitter for Friday night?”
Mommy: “Yup.”
Camryn, 6: “Let me guess…you’re going to see another concert?”
Mommy: “Yup.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, ok. Don’t even tell me who it is this time because I’m pretty sure I already know. It’s just gotta be Michael Jackson.”
Mommy: “Camryn, Michael Jackson is dead…”
Camryn, “Eeesh. That’s really sad. Well, then is it the Beatles?”

The Official Top 10 List of… Things I Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:

1. Going to the Bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.
2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese or any other of my favorite ingredients.

3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:00 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”

4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to lower the volume at each swear word.

5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that bonus muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.

6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker and a plastic tambourine for the ten minute car ride.

7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and fend off beggars with my spoon.

8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s at checkout time.

9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in library overdue fines.

10.  And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh at a joke, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my freaking pants.

*Your turn. Go…

Mommy Learns To Let Go #986: Relinquishing Control of School Picture Day…

Today’s school picture day and apparently, when seen through Camryn’s six-year-old eyes, is the perfect excuse to showcase, in full force, her unique sense of rockstar-in-training-esque style. Someday I will find humor in the fact that my daughter posed for her second grade photo in a rhinestone covered turquoise dress, denim jeggings, a fringed hot pink scarf with gold stars draped around her neck in some elaborate type of “fancy” knot she “invented,” her favorite Justin Bieber bottlecap necklace hanging from her neck, various oversized plastic bracelets in every color of the rainbow on her wrists, and silver super-sparkly fur-lined boots on her feet. Someday I’ll laugh. But probably not today.

Things I Thought I’d Never Ever, Ever Hear Myself Say Before Having Kids But Don’t Even Question Now That I Do Have Them #56,453:

“Olivia! How many times do I have to tell you it’s just not okay to hold the cat while you’re naked!”

Your turn.
Go…

The Friday Night Mom’s Night Out Is In Full Effect…

Tonight’s MNO Agenda shall include the following:

1. Order a few bottles of wine.

2. Unanimously agree to completely avoid discussing children and/or anything remotely child-related throughout the duration of the evening.

3. Pour more wine.

4. Begin taking turns rambling about how your kids nearly drove you to the brink of insanity today.

5. Fill empty glasses with more wine.

6. Inconspicuously text husbands to make sure he doesn’t forget to give the kids kisses from Mommy at bedtime.

7. Finish off bottles of wine.

8. Begin sharing insane thoughts on the idea of how truly fabulous it’d be to have another child.

9. Sit back, let the wine wear off and wait for reality to slap you square in the face and knock some f#*king sense into you.

10. Agree that tonight’s conversations shall never leave the table and ask for the check.

From Heaven To Hell…

Heaven to hell and back again…all in the blink of an eye.
True story.

You Say Penis, I Say Pieces…

When your kid refers to the custodian at her school as the “escobian” you giggle.

When she substitutes the word “unicornycorn” for unicorn during a conversation you get a good chuckle.

But when she starts the day by proudly declaring, “Hey Mommy, I really, really love those Reese’s Penises you bought me yesterday” you collapse on the floor, try to catch your breath as the stomach cramps set in from laughing so hard you can’t even see straight.

Your turn. GO!
*The funniest thing my kid ever said was ________________.

Mommy’s One Bad Bitch…

I need to carry this one around with me in my wallet for those days I am feeling like I suck. One glance at it and BAM! Just like that…I am back to being superwoman.

Not So Proud Mommy Moment #456,438.

Ok, ok. I’ll admit it. Been there. Done that.
Not So Proud Mommy Moment #456,438.
Who else is guilty?

Saturday Night ala Mommy Style…

It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla.

Extremely Proud Mommy Moment #985,348:

Upon starting up the car this morning, four-year-old Olivia politely placed a music request for “Rocking the Suburbs” by Ben Folds Five and then proceeded to sing along with it, word for word, like it was her job. And just like that, I knew…today was going to be a good freaking day.
<walks off humming the song>

The Littlest Backseat Driver…

Mommy: (obnoxiously cut off by a moron driver) “Aw, come on! Really with that, buddy?!”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, Mommy? Ya know…that’s not really what you’re supposed to say when that happens.”
Mommy: “Oh really? And what is it I’m supposed to say, Liv?”
Olivia, 4: “You say jeez frucking christ…because that’s what Daddy always says when that happens to him.”

Shhhh! Do You Hear What I Hear?

I swear these kids have a radar that goes off each and every time my ass hits the seat of a chair. Sad, yet true story.

Soon To Be Five-Year-Old Olivia’s Birthday Wish List…

Mommy: “Liv, while we are at Target, let’s go take a peek in the toy aisle to get some ideas of what you’d like for your birthday.”

Olivia: (hurriedly crosses the store and makes sharp turn down aisle C39) “Ok, so ya see’s this aisle? I want both sides of this aisle and ‘specially the Easy Bake Oven and one of those little Furby guys down on the end.”

Please Support and Vote for Where’s the F#*king Mommy Manual?!

Dear WTFFM Readers,

So, it has come to my attention that a fellow mommy out there has nominated me for The 2013 Top 25 Funny Moms Bloggers Contest on Circle of Moms. So, it has also come to my attention that I am super flattered and beyond psyched that someone out there actually thought I was funny enough to nominate for this contest. So, if by chance anyone else out there agrees with her theory, please take a moment to vote by clicking on the link below. One vote per day is permitted, so feel free to pay a visit to the link posted below each and everyday until Feb. 13th, 2013.With Much Thanks and a Great Big Mommy Hug,
Mommyhttp://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/where-s-f-king-mommy-manual?blogroll_id=89

Friday Night Ala Mommy Style…

Time to start gearing up for yet another crazy Friday night ala Mommy style…So, let the laundry folding, dish washing, toy tidying-up, DVR catching up, snack food gorging, wine consuming, and calling it a day by falling asleep by 8:34 pm begin. Because if being asleep before 9:00 pm on a Friday is wrong…this Mommy don’t want to be right.

A Mommy Blogger in the Making…

Overheard at this morning’s school dropoff:

Camryn, 7: “So, ah, Mom. I heard ya got yourself a day off from work today, don’t cha?”

Mommy: “Why yes. I sure do.”

Camryn: (hops out of car, begins walking towards school doors, turns, looks back and hollers just loud enough for each and every parent and teacher within five miles of the school to hear…) “Bye Mommy! I love you! Now, go enjoy your day with no kids in it!”

Mommy: (offers a cheesy fake smile to the fellow moms glaring at her with disgust in their eyes and skips back to the car to begin her six hour mini-vacation)

Happy Birthday Camryn…

Dear Camryn,

To the three-year-old girl who simply wouldn’t hear of standing next to a bar to learn first position, so instead breakdanced her way through her first and last ballet lesson. To the four-year-old girl who came across a wombat stuffed animal in the toy store and chose to buy him over all the cute, fuzzy teddy bears and floppy eared puppy stuffed animals. To the five-year-old girl who prefers to draw pictures of stingrays, the life cycle of seeds and pygmy marmosets over princesses, unicorns and hearts. To the six-year-old girl who can tell you every detail there is to know about every single Pokeman character there is. To the seven year old rockstar I am damn proud to call my daughter. May she always sparkle, follow her heart and chase her dreams no matter what they may be…today on her seventh birthday and always. Keep on rocking little lady and happy birthday to you.

Love You Always to the Moon and Back and to Infinity and Beyond,

Mommy