Dear Santa…

Dearest Santa,

While we’re at it, please consider me for the following desperately needed gifts as well this coming Christmas:

1. a chef who cooks healthy foods my children will actually eat

2. a maid who specializes in laundry, scrubbing toilets and vacuuming up pet hair.

3. a nanny, however not one that is prettier, skinnier or funnier than I am

4. an uninterrupted night of sleep void of children begging to take up residence in my bed at approximately 3:00, 4:00, and 4:17 AM.

5. the ability to take a shit, shower and shave without 3 and half foot tall visitors demanding another glass of milk, another episode of Spongebob Squarepants or help wiping their butt

6. a privacy glass divider to be used at my discretion to drown out any whining and bickering while driving with the kids in the backseat

7. the ability to eat a salad without being guilted into giving away the croutons, bacon bits and olives to begging children

8. weekly kid-free trips to Target at which time I can leisurely stroll the store without having to put into place a strategic plan of attack in order to avoid the toy aisles

9. the ability to finally finish a library book without having to owe $14.25 in overdue fines

10. An unlimited supply of wine in order to always ensure my new wine cup is filled to the brim.

With Love and Holiday Cheer,

Mommy

Mommy Portraits…

Feeling good about yourself?
Ask your kid to draw a picture of you.
<and feel yourself get knocked down a few pegs after your child proudly hands you their creation and you immediately notice the strikingly obvious resemblance between yourself and Family Guy’s Lois>

*Now, here’s the part where you post a drawing your child made of you and I start to feel better knowing I am not alone in my Mommy portrait woes. Please. Pretty please.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Folks, it looks like a we have today’s lucky winner.
Let’s hear it for Mommy and her special evening that shall be free of draining, frustrating and straight up annoying homework battles!
A great big congratulations to Mommy!

<Mommy jumps up and down like a lunatic waving no homework pass>

 

It’s Time for Tonight’s Installment of Dinnertime Hell…

And just like that it’s crept up on me again.

That moment when the kids blindside you by asking what’s for dinner and you have no f#*king idea. Not even a clue.

Which is immediately followed up by that moment when you realize you used the last box of Kraft Macaroni and cheese in the house as a poor excuse for yesterday’s dinner. Immediately followed up by that moment you slowly walk over to the kitchen cabinet while praying with all your might that you will find four slices of mold-less bread, a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of grape jelly in there to save the day.

<bids farewell to her 2013 Mommy of the Year Award while licking a gob of peanut butter off of the knife>

Not So Proud Mommy Moment of the Day #996,884…

And even though Mama said there’d be days like this,
I swear she forgot this fine detail to fully ensure she’d be a grandmother one day.
Well played, Mom. Well played.
True story.

<pops a sore throat lozenge in her mouth>

 

Ode To The Liquor Store Clerk…

Dear Liquor Store Clerk,

Although we both are well aware of the clearly obvious fact that I am old enough to be your mom, please find it in your heart to ask me for my proof of age anyway and take pride in the fact you made an old lady’s f#*king day.

Signed,

Way Over 21

<heads home to drown her aging sorrows with a bottle of red>

Just be yourself. Everyone Else is Taken.

A True F#*king Story…

There’s the f#*king dirty dishes staring at me while waiting to be cleaned.

There’s the f#*king laundry in the washing machine that needs to be run once again becasue Mommy completely forgot about it for the fourth time today.

There’s the steaming pile of f#*king dog shit on the kitchen floor that needs to be attended to.

There’s the f#*king trail of toys that must be put away so no one breaks an ankle while walking through the house.

There’s the f#*king bills on the counter that needed to be paid by yesterday.

There’s the f#*king refrigerator that is home to a half full bottle of expired ketchup, a shriveled up apple and a bottle of Mommy’s favorite wine that is simply begging to be filled with food.

However, there’s the f#*king oversized wine glass in the cabinet that is screaming to be filled with the f#”*king wine in the fridge and you know what that means?

It’s f#*king time for Mommy to indulge in a glass or three and watch her worries fade the f#*k away.

Cheers, bottoms up and a goodnight to all…

This Is A Warning…

Here’s to you know-it-all mom with those crazy ass kids wreaking havoc on the frozen food aisle of Taget while you hover over my shopping cart lecturing me on how to raise my children. Carry on woman before I hit you upside your ignorant head with a bag of frozen peas. Consider yourself warned.

Black Friday…

Because after all, what else earns you bonus points towards winning the Mommy of the Year 2012 award like sacrificing a night of sleep, my sanity and my safety while battling the crowds to get my children that Baby Butterscotch Pony, Monster High Draculaura doll, and that Kidz Bop Mega Star Microphone in hot pink that they have been begging you for at least three times a day since they first saw the commericals for them four months ago.
<begins writing her award acceptance speech…>

Food Coma in Full Effect…

A mountain of turkey drowning in gravy, two extra large heaping spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, enough stuffing to feed a family of four, and a slice of pumpkin pie the size of my head covered in whipped cream have all taken residence in my belly.
<hangs head in shame while simultaneously beginning to fantasize about once again gorging herself on leftovers tomorrow>

Top Ten Things Mommy is Super Thankful for This Thanksgiving:

1. Wine.

2. Spongebob tv show marathons for those times I am teetering on the edge of sanity.

3. The secret hiding place in the freezer that houses Mommy’s secret stash of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

4. The lock on the bathroom door because without it I’d never be able to have a coherent telephone conversation or poop in peace.

5. Beer.

6. Finding a no homework pass in my child’s school folder at 8:00 pm on a Monday night.

7. Microwaveable macaroni and cheese for those especially hectic evenings when my brain can’t handle thinking up a real dinner.

8. Cherry Tootsie Pops and the fact my children still fall victim to my shameless bribes when asked to refrain from playing hide and seek in the clothing racks at Macy’s.

9. That my children have finally mastered how to properly operate the tv, dvd and dvr allowing me precious extra minutes of sleep in the mornings.

10. Vodka.

Happy Freaking Thanksgiving.

And just like that another Thanksgiving has arrived.
So, bring on the passive aggressive commentary,
the bickering and the whining and… let the games begin.

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day #318,658:

That moment you look back at your kids once last time before they enter the school doors and you start to well up as you watch them take a moment of their own to give eachother a hug before starting the day.
<makes mental note to remind herself of this moment when they return home from school at 3:45 pm and immediately begin screaming at eachother like wild bear cubs over whether they will watch SpongeBob or Victorious.>

Do As I Say, Not As I Do…

That moment when you are completely appalled and rendered speechless at how obnoxious your child is being to you and the sting that follows soon after as you come to realize they learned it by watching you.

This. Today. Three times before the clock even read 10:00 am.
<hangs head in shame>

 

Without fail. Every. F#*king. Time.

You’re Welcome.

Because someone’s gotta say all those crazy, potentially offensive and appalling things that run through all of our Mommy heads at one time or another. That’s where I come in. You’re welcome.

You know your new haircut didn’t quite turn out looking like that fabulous magazine photo of Gwyneth Paltrow you brought to your hairdresser when the following conversation takes place upon your arrival home from the salon…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom! Looks like you got a haircut, huh?”

Mommy: “Yep. I did. Ya like it?” Camryn, 6: Well..uh, I do like it, but there’s ah, just one thing.”

Mommy: “Go on. Lay it on me, Cam.”

Camryn: “Ok. Fine. I’ll just say it. You look like Dora.”

Mommy: “As in the explorer?”

Camryn, 6: “Yeah.”

Mommy, 6: “That’s something that should’ve been kept to yourself.”

Camryn, 6: “Whoops.”

Mommy True Confession #987,543:

Some nights, after one of those especially frustrating, draining and straight up horrible days, when the kids have finally gone to bed and the sweet sound of silence fills the air…I plant my ass on the couch with a super sized bowl of cookies and cream ice cream, pat myself on the back for a job well done and wait for the phone to ring so the Mommy of the Year Board of Directors can tell me where to go to pickup my award. Because, damn it. I earned that shit.
<takes a bow>

Mom’s Night Out (MNO):

a night out with fellow mommy friends, sans kids, to relax, decompress, rejuvenate and take a break from all things Mommy at which you will all, undoubtedly, spend 97% of the night discussing, in great detail, your children and motherhood.

Mommy’s coming for ya…

Mommy True Confession #456,789:

I may or may not have let one, or six,”Oh Shit’s” slip by 9:00 am this morning while in the presence of the little ones.
Sad, embarrassing, yet completely true story.
<sigh>

I think I can. I think I can…

Tis The Season…

It’s almost here, folks…
the dreaded task of holiday shopping with kids en tow…
This one has a permanent spot on my personal top ten list of things I hate with a f#*king vengance.
True story.

Mommy’s About To Lose Her Shit Moment #88,642:

Q: What’s worse than being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic?
A: Being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with a five and six year old in the backseat who feel it is their duty to remind you every 43 seconds that “the car hasn’t even moved one stupid inch in like forever and because of that you’ll probably never even get them to school before lunchtime today.”

Liar Liar…

Dear Scale,

You’re a big fat liar. Go to hell.

Sincerely,
A Scorned Mommy

Mommy Guilt In Full Effect…

Because I yelled at the kids today. A lot. Over nothing that really required yelling about. Because I lost my patience with the kids today. A lot. Over things that really didn’t matter at all. Because I let more than a few “oh shit’s,” “damn it’s,” and possibly a couple of F bombs slip out today in front of the kids. Because I changed the radio station when they asked me to leave it on so they could listen to that new Kesha song because I couldn’t bear to listen to it a seventh time today. Because I said no when they begged for mini M&M’s on top of their ice cream desserts. Because I failed, once again, to live up to the highly coveted title of “Super Mommy.” But then again, there’s always tomorrow…or the day after that.

Bottoms Up!

While only halfway through a day chockful of whining, sibling rivalry and countless “Mommy, I’m booooored’s” I have suddenly realized something very important and instrumental in helping me survive these trying times…it’s five o’clock somewhere.

Bottoms up!

Meltdown Madness…

Because just when you think you’ve got this whole Mommy thing on lockdown…that kid of yours throws you a curve ball and knocks you right on your Mommy ass.

Every. F#*king. Time.

Not So Proud Mommy Moment #45,658:

If looks could kill, my six year old would have just kicked my ass from here to Timbuktu after learning the harsh truth that the one last Snickers bar from her Halloween bag is no longer available for consumption because it has a new home in my belly.
<reminds self to sleep with one eye open>

The Official Mommy’s Hurricane Preparedness Checklist:

1. A supply of wine to numb the pain of being cooped up in the house with the kids for 48+ hours straight.

2. A wide variety of comfort foods including family sized bags of Doritos in both Cool Ranch and Spicy Nacho flavors, a huge jug of marshmallow fluff, a loaf of bread, and an extra large sized jar of peanut butter in order to eat away the stress.

3. A 600 count bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol for those excruciating sibling rivalry-induced headaches.

4. Multiple packages of AA batteries to keep handheld video games alive and children entertained at all times.

5. A bottle of Valium in case the Tylenol doesn’t do the trick.

6. Three bags chockful of $24 worth of dollar store crafts to keep the little ones occupied when the batteries die in their video games.

7. Freshly installed heavy duty child-proof door lock on Mommy’s bedroom door to ensure there’s a safe haven to escape to when the kids get unruly.

8. Two completely identical flashlights that the kids will inevitably find a reason to argue over anyway when the power goes out.

9. Earplugs to drown out the incessant whining of the phrase ” Moooooomy! I’m Booooored!”

10. More wine.

Mommy Fill In The Blank #4,598:

You know you are a parent when_____________________.

For example, you know you are a parent when you finally crawl into your bed at the end of an exhausting, overwhelming day and you are greeted by a rainbow colored Slinky, a half-eaten cheese stick and a stuffed animal hedgehog stabbing you in ass.

Mommy bonus points if they’re smiling…

With and Without Kids…

“Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
~ Phyllis Diller

Introducing the 2013 “Mommy’s Dream” Model Minivan…

While moms have the option to fully customize the vehicle to their own specific needs, this beauty already comes fully equipped with the follwing luxury amenities you have always dreamed of:

– A fully stocked mini-bar including such snacktime favorites as Goldfish crackers, Scooby Doo fruit snacks, cheesesticks, yogurt sticks and Juicy Juice juiceboxes.

– An extensive library of kid-friendly music, including such chart toppers as Kidz Bop volumes 1 thru 23, The Wiggles and Justin Bieber, all available at the push of a button.

– A wide array of videogames, toys and arts and crafts materials to satisfy the needs, demands and wildest dreams of all age children.

– And last, but most definitely not least…a full time personal assistant to meet every one of the children’s 3,562 demands per minute while you try your damndest to focus on successfully completing the ten mile ride to the supermarket for a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and yet another box of those f#*king Scooby Doo fruit snacks to replenish the mini-bar for the next car ride.

A Mommy Can Dream…

And while we’re at it…preferably a place where devastating hurricanes are simply unheard of. <sigh>

Broken Dreams…

Work, laundry, dishes, bills, and cellulite…
the stuff grown up’s dreams are made of.
<sigh>

Frienemies…

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again…all in a matter of minutes. Such is the life of siblings.

And The Correct Answer Is…

Every. F#*king. Time.
<sigh>

Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom:

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Spongebob, The Wiggles and Doodlebops.

2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a cotton candy flavored yogurt stick on the side for lunch and dinner in the same day. 3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The Usa,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.

4. Be convinced to purchase and serve cereal with artificially colored marshmallows in it for breakfast.

5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to count as my very own dinner.

6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face all in less than 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Being completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, four days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove the remnants of Oreos off of my child’s face after discovering I never replenished my supply of baby wipes in my pocketbook.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”

Today’s Forecast:

Sunshine throughout the day with a high chance of periods of severe tantrums, tears and whining…

Because Everybody’s a F#*king Expert…

(*note to self: order two of these gems in a girls size 6 as soon as possible and be sure to have kids wear them when we are in the company of one of those almighty super perfect moms who seem to always be equipped with and ready to spew a perfect solution to your every mommy woe yet their kids are shooting spitballs at everyone in the room while swinging from the chandelier on the ceiling.)

Today’s FU of the Day Award…

Mommy: <enters elevator with two daughters at her side and smiles politely at soon to reveal her true colors moron lady>
Moron Lady: “Hmmm. You don’t have any boys, huh? Just girls?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Moron Lady: <dramtically shaking head in disgust> “Well, you know what? I’d rather have 25 boys that have to raise one girl.”

A big congratulations to moron lady for earning today’s FU Of The Day Award. Your condescending look of disapproval, asinine commentary regarding the gender of my children and uncanny ability to take inappropriate commentary to a whole new level have earned you the FU Of The Day Award.

Happiness is…

The Elf on the Shelf has entered the building…

Let the good behavior and obeying Mommy’s every single command commence…for if it doesn’t my threat to extend a warm welcome to the Elf to stick around our house way after Christmas is over shall become a harsh reality for the little ones.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

<insert evil Mommie Dearest-esque laugh>

The Forgiving Sweater…

Dear Oversized Sweaters,

Thank you for your kindness, magical powers to hide those extra ten pounds and for making it simply okay to eat that second bowl of rigatoni ala vodka.

With Much Gratitude,
Mommy

The $206.31 Red T-Shirt…

Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,563: Your child will notify you no sooner than 8 pm on a Sunday night that they are required to wear the color red to school for drug-free week the following day.
Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,564: There is not be a speck of red to be found on any article of clothing in the sea of neon pink, purple, rhinestones and sequins that make up your child’s closet.
Mommy Law #4,565: After driving like a lunatic to make it to Target before closing time to purchase “just a red shirt and nothing more” you will end up spending $8.99 on the shirt and $197.32 on a cart full of shit you didn’t even want, need or intend on ever buying before you stepped foot inside the store. (*see obnoxiously overstuffed and overflowing cart below)

Mommy True Confession #457,665:

Strategically hidden behind those boxes of not-so-exciting animal crackers and less-than-thrilling Nilla Wafers in the kitchen cabinet is the home of Mommy’s secret collection of goodness. There you will find such delicious morsels as Peanut Butter Cup Chips Ahoy, Candy Corn flavored Oreo’s and Nutter Butters. And no, Mommy doesn’t share her cookies…ever…with anyone. True story.

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on my scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, Olivia’s pigtails are supposed to be straight, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, Camryn’s supposed to clean her room, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

Gearing Up For the Family Vacay Olivia Style…

Olivia, 5: “I have good news, Mom. I already packed my bag for our trip and don’t worry, I have EVERYTHING I would ever need.”

1. Metallic gold fur-lined boots and sequined Hello Kitty sneakers to ensure no matter which pair of shoes she chooses to wear on the trip, everyone within a fifteen mile radius sees her coming.

2. An unopened package of butterfly stickers to stick all over herself, her sister, the back of Mommy’ s head and the car during the four hour drive.

3. Some light reading material about super powered ponies and galloping to help pass the time while traveling.

4. A bottle of Mommy’s perfume which she already sprayed on herself 48 times before getting in the car causing all other passengers in the car to choke on her overpowering floral scent for the entire ride.

5. Cheese Doodles, in both puffed and crunchy form, to fill her belly and leave orange dust all over her hands, face, the car window and any other surface within two inches of her car seat.

6. A juice box, which she will down with just one super-sized sip, to wash down the cheese doodles and then complain moments later that she needs to “goes to the potty really, really bad because she is about to pee in her pants. For reals!”

7. A Tinkerbell bag with easy to use drawstring top for easy access to and transporting of all her vacay necessities.

Mommy Forbids You…

“Hey kids! Whatever you do…do NOT even think about doing the laundry, washing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting or cleaning your rooms! I absolutely forbid you!”
<crosses fingers>

ALERT! ALERT!

Patience reserves are at an all time low today.
Stay back 500 feet at all times.
And to my very own pint sized patience zappers that I call my children….this means you.
Consider yourselves warned.

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day…

“Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is. Wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” ~ Dr. Jonas Salk

Home Sweet Home…

However, the kids may just send a glance your way if you yell, scream and shriek whatever you need to say like a crazy lunatic mom trying out for the role of Mommie Dearest.
I mean, not that I’d know or anything.
Just an idea.

M.O.M – Master of Multitasking…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom. What does a hen do if she is laying an egg at the same exact time she has to poop?”

Mommy: “Well, I guess she does what all mothers do.”

Camryn, 6: “Well, what’s that?”

Mommy: “She multitasks.”

Brilliant, Folks. Brilliant.

Why does Facebook give me the option to “like” my own status?
Of course I like it.
Because after all, I am f#*king hilarious.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

Super Embarrassing Mommy Moment #895,628:

Overheard at the Local Toys R Us…

Mommy: “Liv, I have to use the bathroom before we shop.”

Olivia, 5: (annoyed sigh) “Ok, ok. Let’s go then.”

Mommy: (enters bathroom stall and proceeds to use every last muscle in her body to successfully maintain her balance while squatting over the toilet seat)

Olivia, 5: (dramatically gasps for air) “OH MY GAWD! I CAN’T EVEN TAKES IT ANYMORE! BLECH! THE SMELL IN THIS PLACE IS SO, SO, SO, DEE-SCUSTING!”

Mommy: (confirms Olivia’s claim by nodding in agreement and then begins devising a plan on how to strategically navigate the store aisles in a desperate attempt to avoid having to come face to face with Miss Super Pooper from the next stall over…)

Olivia, 5: “OH GAWD! PLEASE HURRY UP, MOMMY!”

Bottoms Up!

Juice boxes? We don’t need no stinking juiceboxes.
Unless it’s one of those fruit punch Capri Suns that pair ever so nicely with 5 ounces of vodka.
Bottoms up!

Mommy and Daddy Sitting on a Couch… S-N-O-R-I-N-G.

Camyrn, 6: “Mommy, do you and Daddy sometimes sit on the couch and watch TV after I go to sleep?”

Mommy: “Yeah. Sometimes we do.”

Camryn, 6: “Well, when a romantic part comes on do you guys kiss?”

Mommy: “Nope.”

Camryn, 6: “Why not?”

Mommy: “Because I am usually snoring like a frieght train on the couch five minutes after I put you to bed. True story.”

The Friday Night Mom’s Night Out Is In Full Effect…

Tonight’s MNO Agenda shall include the following:

1. Order a few bottles of wine.

2. Unanimously agree to completely avoid discussing children and/or anything remotely child-related throughout the duration of the evening.

3. Pour more wine.

4. Begin taking turns rambling about how your kids nearly drove you to the brink of insanity today.

5. Fill empty glasses with more wine.

6. Inconspicuously text husbands to make sure he doesn’t forget to give the kids kisses from Mommy at bedtime.

7. Finish off bottles of wine.

8. Begin sharing insane thoughts on the idea of how truly fabulous it’d be to have another child.

9. Sit back, let the wine wear off and wait for reality to slap you square in the face and knock some f#*king sense into you.

10. Agree that tonight’s conversations shall never leave the table and ask for the check.

Perfectly Imperfect…

This one goes out to all my fellow imperfect, free and f#*king awesome mommies giving it their all…

*(And to all of you in that elite club of perfect mommies…
you sit on a throne of lies.)

Help (Desperately) Wanted… Professional Hair Braiding Extraordinaire:

Able to meet the high maintenance hair styling demands of five and six year old sisters. Must be fully capable of whipping up any and all fancy braid styles, including, but not limited to, a French braid, a side braid and an exact replica of the braids iCarly had in episode 14. Please be ready to accept demands for and then …complete braids approximately two minutes before children need to leave the house in order to beat the school’s late bell. Must be able to tolerate whining and have the patience of a saint. Please inquire within asap, as Mommy’s lack of braiding skills and half-assed looking attempts are starting to chip away at her self-worth.

Heaven and Hell…

Heaven to hell and back again…all in the blink of an eye.
True story.

You Know You’re a Mommy When #245,889:

Because anytime I get to skip out of the tedious task of spending five minutes of my time strategically layering toilet paper over a public toilet seat only to have it all fall straight to the floor half a second before my kid’s ass hits the seat is a damn good day in my book.
Because sometimes, it really is the little things…

Fingers Crossed…

Here’s to hoping I raise my two kids to be Nobel Prize winners. Don’t let me down, little ladies. Mommy’s counting on you.
<fingers crossed>

One Bad Bitch…

I need to carry this one around with me in my wallet for those days I am feeling like I suck. One glance at it and BAM! Just like that…I am back to being superwoman.

Today’s Mommy Mission: Survive Operation Double Flu Shots…

1. Back to back flu shot appointments for the kids at the pediatrician’s office this evening confirmed – check.

2. Pit stop at Target to pick up two king sized bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for bribing purposes and then tucked safely away in Mommy’s pocketbook to act as her own personal support system – check.

3. An extra large bottle of wine chilling in the fridge with Mommy’s name on it because, damn it, she earned that sucker – check.

Not So Proud Mommy Moment #456,438:

Ok, ok. I’ll admit it. Been there. Done that.
Who else is guilty?

The Countdown…

It looks like it’s going to be one of those days. So, to anyone I encounter today…consider this your warning.
T-minus 11 hours and 57 minutes until bedtime, but who’s counting?
This gal right here. That’s who.
11 hours and 56 minutes…

 

Farewell Share Bear…

Gone are the days of the cute, little, fuzzy pink Care Bear skipping down the sidewalk on a mission to get herself some Halloween candy that she would glady share with Mommy. Here are the days of the black vampire princess with black lipstick, nailpolish and sparkly knee high boots who will make Mommy beg for just one of the 427 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in her bag. … And just like that…Mommy lost all control over Halloween. <sigh>

The End!

It’s that time again…

The fridge is empty, the cupboards are bare and there ain’t a Polly-O cheese stick to be found up in here. Looks like it’s time to get my ankles repeatedly smashed by a shopping cart with 100+ plus pounds of kids pushing behind it, weed out the forbidden boxes of Mallomars, Lucky Charms and super sized bags of Cheetos that somehow mysteriously made their way into the cart  and travel across the entire store for not one, but two, potty visits and most importantly, shoot scary evil looks at any and all persons in the supermarket who find it necessary to stare while I partake in multiple Mommy tantrums throughout our trip. Food shopping with kids. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Pissy Pants…

Happy fifth birthday to the littlest rockstar diva on this side of the Mississippi, my daughter…Olivia. And while we’re at it, how’s about a happy fifth anniversary shout out to the day I began pissing my pants with each and every cough or sneeze.

Motherhood…changing women in more ways than they ever could have possibly imagined.

Saturday Night ala Mommy Style…

It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla
It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla.

It’s a Dream Lite Miracle!

There is no doubt a fellow mommy is the genius behind this gem of an invention and to her I bow down, because anything that makes five year old Olivia go to bed without a fight, stay in bed instead of her usual routine of repeatedly exiting her bedroom for cups of water, multiple unnecessary potty visits and to negotiate why she should be able to stay up for “just five more minutes” is a f#*king miracle.

The Super Pooper…

There are three bathrooms in our house. Each one of them has a functioning toilet. However, without fail, every morning when I step foot into my bathroom to get ready for work…
out of f#*king nowhere it’s five-year-old Olivia who insists on using my toilet to drop off her poop whose stink is so bad it rivals that of a three hundred pound man who just gorged himself on Taco Bell.

True story.

Today’s FU of the Day Goes To Pinterest…

Because honestly, birthday cupcake making for my kid’s class at school was so much f#*king easier before Pinterest had to show up and flaunt all those photos of fancy shmancy cupcakes and make me feel all sorts of inadequate with my from-the-box lopsided ones.
<sighs then licks the icing covered spoon clean>

 

Inquiring Minds Want to Know…EVERYTHING.

So, I guess Olivia is above average because I swear she hits 437 questions by 10:00 am. Why does my poopy stink? Why does the cat yell at me when I squeeze her? Why can’t I wear lipstick? Why can’t we just pretend it’s Sunday and I skip school today? How many more minutes until my next birthday gets here? Why do I have to go to bed now? Why? Why? Why?

Dumbassess…

Because we all know at LEAST one of those super irritating, condescending know-it-all mommies with out-of-control kids who are constantly spewing advice at us on how to raise our children when what she really needs to do is put down her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, give this one a read and get herself schooled…

The Littlest Backseat Driver…

Mommy: (obnoxiously cut off by a moron driver) “Aw, come on! Really with that, buddy?!”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, Mommy? Ya know…that’s not really what you’re supposed to say when that happens.”
Mommy: “Oh really? And what is it I’m supposed to say, Liv?”
Olivia, 4: “You say jeez frucking christ…because that’s what Daddy always says when that happens to him.”

Annoy Mommy Radar Activated…

I swear these kids have a radar that goes off each and every time my ass hits the seat of a chair. Sad, yet true story.

A Broken Promise To Myself…

Today’s “Things my mom said that I swore I’d never say when I became a mom” line of the day is….
“I am very disappointed in you, young lady!”

Shoot me now.

Motherhood…

Procrastination…

So apparently, I should be a professional eater, Facebooker and Pinterest stalker. Sounds like my type of living.
What about you?

A quiet moment of thanks…

1. Because today, four-year-old Olivia began every other one of her sentences with “is matters fact.”
2. Because six-year-old Camryn took some time out of watching her favorite tv show to run over and bear hug me while telling me “I am her BMF. Best. Mom. Forever.”
3. Because my husband read my mind, put his shoes on, grabbed his car keys and granted my wish for vanilla frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles before I even had the chance to ask him to please go.

Sometimes, it really is the little things that make you stop, take a quiet moment and thank your lucky stars for how freaking lucky you truly are…
<dives into a mountain of vanilla frozen yogurt>

Friday Night: Mommy Style…

Kids in bed and asleep by 8:00 pm, about to wash down a burrito the size of my head with a Blue Point Pumpkin Ale and then do nothing more than bask in the glorious sounds of silence. It may not be one of those crazy Friday nights from my teenage years, but right about now…this shit is a thin slice of heaven right here on earth.

A Wandering Mind…

Whether I am praising them for getting 100% on a spelling test, complaining about them having messy rooms, joining them for one of their infamous Justin Bieber dance parties, laughing at them for telling a joke that made no sense, yelling at them for dragging the cat by the ear, chasing them back into bed after their sixth bedroom exit or simply telling them I love them all the way to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond and more than they will ever know….they are always where my mind wanders.

Shameful Mommy Confession of the Day:

Did I finally agree to buy the Reese’s Puffs Cereal Olivia has been asking for because they were on sale? No. Was it because of all the begging she has been doing during each and every trip to the supermarket over the last few weeks? Nope.
The one reason I gave the ok was for the sole fact that I am hoping with all my might she won’t like them and I will then have the perfect guilt-free excuse to give them a home in my peanut butter loving belly…
<glances at the kitchen counter and eyes box of cereal longingly>

A Mom’s Brain…

Apparently someone snuck into my brain and drew this picture of what they saw. I feel violated, yet extremely impressed with their accuracy…

Mommy Priorities…

Although I do sometimes miss those brain cells I have lost along the way on this road called Motherhood, I am pretty damn sure I miss the the luxury of having a telephone conversation without the person on the other line thinking the Ringling Brothers Circus is parading through my house while I desperately sprint through the house trying to find a room that has a door with a lock on it to hide away in even more. This Mommy’s all about taking peace and quiet over brain cells any day of the week.

The Wiseass Mathematician…

So, it appears six-year-old Camryn has herself quite a winning combination of Daddy’s killer math skills and Mommy’s sarcasm. Her poor teacher will never, ever, ever be the same after this school year.

Trash-Talkers…

Dear Back Talking Daughters O’Mine,

Mommy’s had it with your infamous trash-talking ways. So, next time you decide to drop that “I already know that because you told me it like 500 times already, Mommy!” line, I strongly advise you run in the opposite direction from me while saying it. Consider this your warning.

Love,

Mommy

Miracles Do Happen…

I rolled up to the red light. I glanced in front of me. And just like that…all of my prayers were finally answered.
<jots down phone number and speeds home to pack up the cats, dogs, fish and kids for their mini vacation>

Grossness…

The grossness may include, but is not limited to…
petrified macaroni and cheese on your knee, dried formula spit up on your shoulder, crusty pureed peas on your left knee, a glob or two of snot, bright orange cheese puff handprints on your sleeves, random flecks of gold and/or silver glitter, a hunk of a smushed cheese stick on the right leg of your pants, a slick of pizza grease across your back and some unknown substance across your backside.

The Nut Crusher…

While in Target earlier today, four-year-old Olivia stumbled upon a display of decorative nutcracker dolls, immediately fell in love and somehow convinced me to buy her one. Soon after, the following conversation ensued:

Olivia, 4: “Hey Cam. I know you like nuts. I also know you like really hard nuts, so if you ever need your nuts crushed you know who to come to. Me. That’s who.”
Camryn, 6:”Mom, why are you laughing so hard?”
Mommy: (desperately trying to peel herself off the floor, stop laughing, act like an adult and make her way to the Target registers to check out)

Top Ten List of Things I Never Want To Hear Yelled Across the House By My Four-Year-Old #8:

Sadly, a true f#*king story. Never a dull moment.
<sigh>

Ode To Olivia…

This one goes out to my know it all four-year-old daughter, Olivia…
Since it seems that through her eyes Mommy don’t know jack shit. However, I do know that I can tie my shoes, count all the way to 30, wipe my own butt and eat as many cookies as I want whenever I want. Just saying.

Be Awesome.

Beware of the Silence…

When you aren’t sure whether to simply sit and enjoy the rare moments of silence or run at full speed to attempt to divert whatever disaster is about to take place…

 

Mommy McPerfect…

Just when I thought I was earning some serious 2012 Mommy of the Year Award points for remembering to carefully trim the edges of Olivia’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches along comes Mrs. Super Duper Over-Acheiving Mom with her fancy schmancy pieces of breaded artwork to knock me down…
<shakes fist at Mommy McPerfect and her lunchbox creations>

The Favorite Kid Award Goes To…

That moment when you’re yelling at one child for doing something wrong and the older sibling suddenly begins showering you with love and praise for being “the best Mommy in the whole wide world” while heading upstairs to make you “super happy” by cleaning her room…but not before winking at her sobbing kid sister.

If You Give Mom a Muffin by Beth Brubaker

If you give a mom a muffin, She’ll want a cup of coffee to go with it. … She’ll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She’ll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she’ll find dirty socks. She’ll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, She’ll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan for supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She’ll look for her cookbook (“101 Things To Do With a Pound of Hamburger”). The cookbook is setting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She’ll smell something funny. She’ll change the two-year-old’s diaper. While she is changing the diaper, the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She’ll remember she wants to phone a friend for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. And chances are…If she has a cup of coffee, Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Ode To The Elite Mommies…

This one goes out to that elite group of mommies who feel it necessary and appropriate to lecture other moms on how to properly raise their kids yet can’t control their own little hellions if their f#*king lives depended on it…

Sincerely,
Mommy

The Mommy Lottery…

Here’s to hoping you too,
win the Mommy lottery today…

Do As Mommy Yells, Not As She Does…

Don’t roll your eyes at me! Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you! Don’t leave your shoes in the middle of the hallway! Don’t play your radio so loud! … Don’t spend so much time on the computer! Don’t eat a snack right before dinnertime! Don’t stay up past your bedtime! And most importantly…Don’t keep acting exactly like me! <sigh>

The six year old tongue sticker-outer strikes yet again…

So, once again, it’s off to timeout you go little lady.
But, this time wait until I am all the way downstairs before you go ahead and stick your tongue out at me again.
Geesh. If you’re going to break Mommy law, don’t get caught. Duh.

Live In The Moment More…

“The biggest mistake I made as a parent is the one that most of us make…I did not live in the moment enough.
This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of my three children sitting on in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasued the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.” ~Anna Quindlen

One Day…Soon.

Because one day, which will be here before I know it, I really will miss all those cookie crumbs on the kitchen floor, all those toys strewn across every single square inch of the floors in the house, the globs of pink sparkly toothpaste cemented to the bathroom sink, the crayon marks on the walls and those pesky 6:00 AM wake up calls. One day…soon.

The World’s Best Bumper Sticker Award…

…goes to none other than the driver of this truck parked in front of me today who may just be my new hero. It takes a lot to wow me, but I can definitely say that I have been f#*king wowed with this gem.

The Hide Button…

Guilty of this. Also guilty of never even attempting to actually bake the cupcakes I spent fifteen minutes drooling over on Pinterest.
Anyway, you get the point. So, I’d like to take a moment to say thanks for that handy dandy “hide” button on Facebook. Sometimes, it truly is a Facebook user’s best friend.

We’ll See..

Luckily, my little ones haven’t caught on just yet, but it’s only a matter of time until they do, but until then…

Dear Child O’ Mine,

Can you get a pet brown pony and name it Princess? Can you have an ice cream sundae with extra whipped cream for breakfast? Can you go live at Disneyland? Can you go to bed three hours later than usual tonight so you can watch some special Spongebob episode? Can we take a quick look at the toy aisle while we are in Target shopping for milk and toilet paper? Can you interrupt my Facebook time to play yet another round of Angry Birds on my cell phone?
We’ll see, honey. We’ll f#*king see.

With Love,

Mommy

Friday Nights Just Ain’t What They Used To Be… (Pre vs. Post Parenthood)

Pre Parenthood: An exciting night out on the town with your spouse filled with such pleasures as a leisurely dinner at a not-so-kid friendly, fancy restaurant followed by a visit to some loud, dark bar where you consume way too many drinks that you actually lose count after the fourth glass of wine which is then followed by a trip home to indulge in a round or two of wild sex and ends with you both sleeping until at least noon the next day.

Post Parenthood: Walking hand in hand with your spouse under the glow of flourescent lights while taking a romantic stroll down the aisles of Target on a mission to pick up such exciting items as light bulbs, toilet paper, cat food, Spongebob fruit snacks, cheese sticks and chocolate milk followed by a quick stop at the nearest chain restaurant for a not-so-gourmet bite to eat followed by a pit stop at the ATM to withdraw a wad of cash for the babysitter and then being home and asleep in bed by the latest 9:30pm and ends with you being suddenly woken up by the deafening sound of your child bellowing in your ear, “Mooooooooma! I needs some breakfast NOW please!” at 5:47 am.

Shameful Mommy Confession of the Day:

Did I finally agree to buy the Reese’s Puffs Cereal Olivia has been asking for because they were on sale? No. Was it because of all the begging she has been doing during each and every trip to the supermarket over the last few weeks? Nope.
The one reason I gave the ok was for the sole fact that I am hoping with all my might she won’t like them and I will then have the perfect guilt-free excuse to give them a home in my peanut butter loving belly…
<glances at the kitchen counter and eyes box of cereal longingly>

Wandering Mind…

Whether I am praising them for getting 100% on a spelling test, complaining about them having messy rooms, joining them for one of their infamous Justin Bieber dance parties, laughing at them for telling a joke that made no sense, yelling at them for dragging the cat by the ear, chasing them back into bed after their sixth bedroom exit or simply telling them I love them all the way to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond and more than they will ever know….they are always where my mind wanders.

Say it loud and say it proud!

A quiet moment of thanks…

1. Because today, four-year-old Olivia began every other one of her sentences with “is matters fact.”
2. Because six-year-old Camryn took some time out of watching her favorite tv show to run over and bear hug me while telling me “I am her BMF. Best. Mom. Forever.”
3. Because my husband read my mind, put his shoes on, grabbed his car keys and granted my wish for vanilla frozen yogurt with chocolate sprinkles before I even had the chance to ask him to please go.

Sometimes, it really is the little things that make you stop, take a quiet moment and thank your lucky stars for how freaking lucky you truly are…
<dives into a mountain of vanilla frozen yogurt>

Professional Procratinator…

So apparently, I should be a professional eater, Facebooker and Pinterest stalker. Sounds like my type of living.
What about you?

I Gladly Accept the Award…

Say It Ain’t So…

Today’s “Things my mom said that I swore I’d never say when I became a mom” line of the day is….
“I am very disappointed in you, young lady!”

Shoot me now.

1…2…3!

The Littlest Backseat Driver…

Mommy: (obnoxiously cut off by a moron driver) “Aw, come on! Really with that, buddy?!”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, Mommy? Ya know…that’s not really what you’re supposed to say when that happens.”
Mommy: “Oh really? And what is it I’m supposed to say, Liv?”
Olivia, 4: “You say jeez frucking christ…because that’s what Daddy always says when that happens to him.”

Dumbasses…

Because we all know at LEAST one of those super irritating, condescending know-it-all mommies with out-of-control kids who are constantly spewing advice at us on how to raise our children when what she really needs to do is put down her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, give this one a read and get herself schooled…

Inquiring Minds Want to Know…EVERYTHING.

So, I guess Olivia is above average because I swear she hits 437 questions by 10:00 am. Why does my poopy stink? Why does the cat yell at me when I squeeze her? Why can’t I wear lipstick? Why can’t we just pretend it’s Sunday and I skip school today? How many more minutes until my next birthday gets here? Why do I have to go to bed now? Why? Why? Why?

Today’s FU of the Day Goes To Pinterest…

Because honestly, birthday cupcake making for my kid’s class at school was so much f#*king easier before Pinterest had to show up and flaunt all those photos of fancy shmancy cupcakes and make me feel all sorts of inadequate with my from-the-box lopsided ones.
<sighs then licks the icing covered spoon clean>

 

The Super Pooper…

There are three bathrooms in our house. Each one of them has a functioning toilet. However, without fail, every morning when I step foot into my bathroom to get ready for work…
out of f#*king nowhere it’s five-year-old Olivia who insists on using my toilet to drop off her poop whose stink is so bad it rivals that of a three hundred pound man who just gorged himself on Taco Bell.

True story.

Behold…The Dream Light.

There is no doubt a fellow mommy is the genius behind this gem of an invention and to her I bow down, because anything that makes five year old Olivia go to bed without a fight, stay in bed instead of her usual routine of repeatedly exiting her bedroom for cups of water, multiple unnecessary potty visits and to negotiate why she should be able to stay up for “just five more minutes” is a f#*king miracle.

Saturday Night ala Mommy Style…

It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla.

Pissy Pants…

Happy fifth birthday to the littlest rockstar diva on this side of the Mississippi, my daughter…Olivia. And while we’re at it, how’s about a happy fifth anniversary shout out to the day I began pissing my pants with each and every cough or sneeze.

Motherhood…changing women in more ways than they ever could have possibly imagined.

It’s that time again…

The fridge is empty, the cupboards are bare and there ain’t a Polly-O cheese stick to be found up in here. Looks like it’s time to get my ankles repeatedly smashed by a shopping cart with 100+ plus pounds of kids pushing behind it, weed out the forbidden boxes of Mallomars, Lucky Charms and super sized bags of Cheetos that somehow mysteriously made their way into the cart and travel across the entire store for not one, but two, potty visits and most importantly, shoot scary evil looks at any and all persons in the supermarket who find it necessary to stare while I partake in multiple Mommy tantrums throughout our trip. Food shopping with kids. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Bedtime Story: Mommy Style…

Farewell Share Bear…

Gone are the days of the cute, little, fuzzy pink Care Bear skipping down the sidewalk on a mission to get herself some Halloween candy that she would glady share with Mommy. Here are the days of the black vampire princess with black lipstick, nailpolish and sparkly knee high boots who will make Mommy beg for just one of the 427 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in her bag. … And just like that…Mommy lost all control over Halloween. <sigh>

Crazed Karate Chopping Mommy On the Loose…

 

 

Today’s Mommy Mission: Survive Operation Double Flu Shots…

1. Back to back flu shot appointments for the kids at the pediatrician’s office this evening confirmed – check.

2. Pit stop at Target to pick up two king sized bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for bribing purposes and then tucked safely away in Mommy’s pocketbook to act as her own personal support system – check.

3. An extra large bottle of wine chilling in the fridge with Mommy’s name on it because, damn it, she earned that sucker – check.

Mommy’s Counting On You…

Here’s to hoping I raise my two kids to be Nobel Prize winners. Don’t let me down, little ladies. Mommy’s counting on you.
<fingers crossed>

You Know You’re a Mommy When #245,889:

Because anytime I get to skip out of the tedious task of spending five minutes of my time strategically layering toilet paper over a public toilet seat only to have it all fall straight to the floor half a second before my kid’s ass hits the seat is a damn good day in my book.
Because sometimes, it really is the little things…

Help (Desperately) Wanted… Professional Hair Braiding Extraordinaire:

Able to meet the high maintenance hair styling demands of five and six year old sisters. Must be fully capable of whipping up any and all fancy braid styles, including, but not limited to, a French braid, a side braid and an exact replica of the braids iCarly had in episode 14. Please be ready to accept demands for and then complete braids approximately two minutes before children need to leave the house in order to beat the school’s late bell. Must be able to tolerate whining and have the patience of a saint. Please inquire within asap, as Mommy’s lack of braiding skills and half-assed looking attempts are starting to chip away at her self-worth.

Imperfection is the New Perfection…

This one goes out to all my fellow imperfect, free and f#*king awesome mommies giving it their all…

*(And to all of you in that elite club of perfect mommies…
you sit on a throne of lies.)

Mommy and Daddy Sitting on a Couch… S-N-O-R-I-N-G.

Camyrn, 6: “Mommy, do you and Daddy sometimes sit on the couch and watch TV after I go to sleep?” ‘

Mommy: “Yeah. Sometimes we do.” … Camryn, 6: “Well, when a romantic part comes on do you guys kiss?”

Mommy: “Nope.”

Camryn, 6: “Why not?”

Mommy: “Because I am usually snoring like a frieght train on the couch five minutes after I put you to bed. True story.”

Juice boxes? We don’t need no stinking juiceboxes!

Unless it’s one of those fruit punch Capri Suns that pair ever so nicely with 5 ounces of vodka.
Bottoms up!

Super Embarrassing Mommy Moment #895,628:

Overheard at the Local Toys R Us…

Mommy: “Liv, I have to use the bathroom before we shop.”

Olivia, 5: (annoyed sigh) “Ok, ok. Let’s go then.”

Mommy: (enters bathroom stall and proceeds to use every last muscle in her body to successfully maintain her balance while squatting over the toilet seat)

Olivia, 5: (dramatically gasps for air) “OH MY GAWD! I CAN’T EVEN TAKES IT ANYMORE! BLECH! THE SMELL IN THIS PLACE IS SO, SO, SO, DEE-SCUSTING!”

Mommy: (confirms Olivia’s claim by nodding in agreement and then begins devising a plan on how to strategically navigate the store aisles in a desperate attempt to avoid having to come face to face with Miss Super Pooper from the next stall over…)

Olivia, 5: “OH GAWD! PLEASE HURRY UP, MOMMY!”

I Like Me…

Why does Facebook give me the option to “like” my own status?
Of course I like it.
Because after all, I am f#*king hilarious.
And that’s all I have to say about that.

M.O.M – Master of Multitasking…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom. What does a hen do if she is laying an egg at the same exact time she has to poop?”

Mommy: “Well, I guess she does what all mothers do.”

Camryn, 6: “Well, what’s that?”

Mommy: “She multitasks.”

Home Sweet Home…

However, the kids may just send a glance your way if you yell, scream and shriek whatever you need to say like a crazy lunatic mom trying out for the role of Mommie Dearest.
I mean, not that I’d know or anything.
Just an idea.

Sappy Mommy Moment of the Day…

“Good parents give their children roots and wings. Roots to know where home is. Wings to fly away and exercise what’s been taught them.” ~ Dr. Jonas Salk

Don’t Even Think About It…

“Hey kids! Whatever you do…do NOT even think about doing the laundry, washing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting or cleaning your rooms! I absolutely forbid you!”
<crosses fingers>

Gearing Up For the Family Vacay Olivia Style…

Olivia, 5: “I have good news, Mom. I already packed my bag for our trip and don’t worry, I have EVERYTHING I would ever need!”

1. Metallic gold fur-lined boots and sequined Hello Kitty sneakers to ensure no matter which pair of shoes she chooses to wear on the trip, everyone within a fifteen mile radius sees her coming.

2. An unopened package of butterfly stickers to stick all over herself, her sister, the back of Mommy’ s head and the car during the four hour drive.

3. Some light reading material about super powered ponies and galloping to help pass the time while traveling.

4. A bottle of Mommy’s perfume which she already sprayed on herself 48 times before getting in the car causing all other passengers in the car to choke on her overpowering floral scent for the entire ride.

5. Cheese Doodles, in both puffed and crunchy form, to fill her belly and leave orange dust all over her hands, face, the car window and any other surface within two inches of her car seat.

6. A juice box, which she will down with just one super-sized sip, to wash down the cheese doodles and then complain moments later that she needs to “goes to the potty really, really bad because she is about to pee in her pants. For reals!” 7. A Tinkerbell bag with easy to use drawstring top for easy access to and transporting of all her vacay necessities.

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on my scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, Olivia’s pigtails are supposed to be straight, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, Camryn’s supposed to clean her room, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

Mommy True Confession #457,665:

Strategically hidden behind those boxes of not-so-exciting animal crackers and less-than-thrilling Nilla Wafers in the kitchen cabinet is the home of Mommy’s secret collection of goodness. There you will find such delicious morsels as Peanut Butter Cup Chips Ahoy, Candy Corn flavored Oreo’s and Nutter Butters. And no, Mommy doesn’t share her cookies…ever…with anyone. True story.

The $206.31 Red T-Shirt…

Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,563: Your child will notify you no sooner than 8 pm on a Sunday night that they are required to wear the color red to school for drug-free week the following day.
Mommy Murphy’s Law #4,564: There is not be a speck of red to be found on any article of clothing in the sea of neon pink, purple, rhinestones and sequins that make up your child’s closet.
Mommy Law #4,565: After driving like a lunatic to make it to Target before closing time to purchase “just a red shirt and nothing more” you will end up spending $8.99 on the shirt and $197.32 on a cart full of shit you didn’t even want, need or intend on ever buying before you stepped foot inside the store. (*see obnoxiously overstuffed and overflowing cart below)

Going For Seconds…

Dear Oversized Sweaters,

Thank you for your kindness, magical powers to hide those extra ten pounds and for making it simply okay to eat that second bowl of rigatoni ala vodka.

With Much Gratitude,

Mommy

The Elf on the Shelf has entered the building…

Let the good behavior and obeying Mommy’s every single command commence…for if it doesn’t my threat to extend a warm welcome to the Elf to stick around our house way after Christmas is over shall become a harsh reality for the little ones.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

<insert evil Mommie Dearest-esque laugh>

<3

FU of the Day Award…

Mommy: <enters elevator with two daughters at her side and smiles politely at soon to reveal her true colors moron lady>
Moron Lady: “Hmmm. You don’t have any boys, huh? Just girls?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Moron Lady: <dramtically shaking head in disgust> “Well, you know what? I’d rather have 25 boys that have to raise one girl.”

A big congratulations to moron lady for earning today’s FU Of The Day Award. Your condescending look of disapproval, asinine commentary regarding the gender of my children and uncanny ability to take inappropriate commentary to a whole new level have earned you the FU Of The Day Award.

Because Everybody’s a F#*king Expert…

(*note to self: order two of these gems in a girls size 6 as soon as possible and be sure to have kids wear them when we are in the company of one of those almighty super perfect moms who seem to always be equipped with and ready to spew a perfect solution to your every mommy woe yet their kids are shooting spitballs at everyone in the room while swinging from the chandelier on the ceiling.)

Mommy Needs a Time Out…

And while we’re at it…preferably a place where devastating hurricanes are simply unheard of. <sigh>

The Official Mommy’s Hurricane Preparedness Checklist:

1. A supply of wine to numb the pain of being cooped up in the house with the kids for 48+ hours straight.

2. A wide variety of comfort foods including family sized bags of Doritos in both Cool Ranch and Spicy Nacho flavors, a huge jug of marshmallow fluff, a loaf of bread, and an extra large sized jar of peanut butter in order to eat away the stress.
3. A 600 count bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol for those excruciating sibling rivalry-induced headaches.
4. Multiple packages of AA batteries to keep handheld video games alive and children entertained at all times.
5. A bottle of Valium in case the Tylenol doesn’t do the trick.
6. Three bags chockful of $24 worth of dollar store crafts to keep the little ones occupied when the batteries die in their video games.
7. Freshly installed heavy duty child-proof door lock on Mommy’s bedroom door to ensure there’s a safe haven to escape to when the kids get unruly.
8. Two completely identical flashlights that the kids will inevitably find a reason to argue over anyway when the power goes out.
9. Earplugs to drown out the incessant whining of the phrase ” Moooooomy! I’m Booooored!”
10. More wine.

Peter Pan Was Right…

Work, laundry, dishes, bills, and cellulite…
the stuff grown up’s dreams are made of.
<sigh>

Frienemies…

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again…all in a matter of minutes. Such is the life of siblings.

 

Every. F#*king. Time.

Top Ten Things I Swore I’d Never Do When I Became a Mom:

1. Let the kids watch multiple episodes of super annoying mind numbing tv shows, including, but not limited to, Spongebob, The Wiggles and Doodlebops.

2. Serve the children a not-so-well rounded meal of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a cotton candy flavored yogurt stick on the side for lunch and dinner in the same day.

3. Agree to play such tunes as “Call Me Maybe,” “Party In The Usa,” and “Firework” six times each while driving with the kids in the car.

4. Be convinced to purchase and serve cereal with artificially colored marshmallows in it for breakfast.

5. Consider two and a half cold, rubbery chicken nuggets, a spoonful of Kraft mac and cheese and a sip of a warm juice box abandoned by my child to count as my very own dinner. 6. Learn the skill of using the toilet, showering, brushing my teeth, taming my hair and slapping some makeup on my face all in less than 3 minutes time.

7. Willingly touch, analyze and discuss in great detail another person’s snot, pee or poo with anyone who will listen to the gory details.

8. Being completely at peace with being seen in public, by the same exact people, in the same exact pair of faded black yoga pants, four days in a row.

9. Use my own saliva as a cleaning agent to remove the remnants of Oreos off of my child’s face after discovering I never replenished my supply of baby wipes in my pocketbook.

10. Let history repeat itself and use a handful of those infamous phrases my own mother once used on me which include, but are not limited to, “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a 1,000 times!” and “Watch that attitude little lady!” and “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!”

Today’s Forecast: Sunshine throughout the day with a high chance of periods of severe tantrums, tears and whining…

Michael Jackson Opens For the Beatles…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, did I just hear you say we have a babysitter for Friday night?”
Mommy: “Yup.”
Camryn, 6: “Let me guess…you’re going to see another concert?”
Mommy: “Yup.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, ok. Don’t even tell me who it is this time because I’m pretty sure I already know. It’s just gotta be Michael Jackson.”
Mommy: “Camryn, Michael Jackson is dead…”
Camryn, “Eeesh. That’s really sad. Well, then is it the Beatles?”

Mommy Learns To Let Go #986: Relinquishing Control of School Picture Day…

Today’s school picture day and apparently, when seen through Camryn’s six-year-old eyes, is the perfect excuse to showcase, in full force, her unique sense of rockstar-in-training-esque style. Someday I will find humor in the fact that my daughter posed for her second grade photo in a rhinestone covered turquoise dress, denim jeggings, a fringed hot pink scarf with gold stars draped around her neck in some elaborate type of “fancy” knot she “invented,” her favorite Justin Bieber bottlecap necklace hanging from her neck, various oversized plastic bracelets in every color of the rainbow on her wrists, and silver super-sparkly fur-lined boots on her feet. Someday I’ll laugh. But probably not today.

The Official Top 10 List of…Things I Miss Most From My Pre-Mommy Days:

1. Going to the Bathroom by myself without pint sized spectators commenting on and questioning the odor and duration of my bowel movements.
2. Eating my favorite salad without my mom guilt forcing me to say yes when asked ever so sweetly to surrender my croutons, bacon bits, chunks of cheese or any other of my favorite ingredients.

3. Waking up to the sound of an alarm clock with the first number greater than a 6 rather than being startled awake by two mini rockstars in training performing full-volume on the radio style karaoke at 5:00 am to “Sexy and I Know It.”

4. Listening to my favorite not-at-all-kid friendly music at a way too loud volume while driving and not having to lower the volume at each swear word.

5. Comfortably wearing a pair of single digit sized jeans without that bonus muffin top pouring over the top of the waistband.

6. Having the ability to leave the house in a timely fashion without having to wait for someone to gather up their three biggest stuffed animals, six books, a green marker and a plastic tambourine for the ten minute car ride.

7. Being able to eat candy, cookies, ice cream and other sugary treats at my leisure without the worries of having to share and fend off beggars with my spoon.

8. Food shopping without having to maneuver a cart that has 100+ pounds of children hanging off the side of it and not having the task of fishing out 3 boxes of Double Stuff Oreos, 2 packages of marshmallows and a king sized bag of M and M’s at checkout time.

9. Being able to finish a book in less than six months time and avoid $35.80 in library overdue fines.

10.  And last, but not least, and possibly the most missed thing of all from my pre-mommy days, is being able to laugh at a joke, sneeze or cough without the fear of pissing my freaking pants.

ALERT! ALERT!

Patience reserves are at an all time low today.
Stay back 500 feet at all times.
And to my very own pint sized patience zappers that I call my children….this means you.
Consider yourselves warned.

Things I Thought I’d Never Ever, Ever Hear Myself Say Before Having Kids But Don’t Even Question Now That I Do Have Them #56,453:

“Olivia! How many times do I have to tell you it’s just not okay to hold the cat while you’re naked!”

Your turn.
Go…

To Heaven, To Hell and Back Again…

Heaven to hell and back again…all in the blink of an eye.
True story.

The Friday Night Mom’s Night Out Is In Full Effect…

Tonight’s MNO Agenda shall include the following:

1. Order a few bottles of wine.

2. Unanimously agree to completely avoid discussing children and/or anything remotely child-related thr…

oughout the duration of the evening.

3. Pour more wine.

4. Begin taking turns rambling about how your kids nearly drove you to the brink of insanity today.

5. Fill empty glasses with more wine.

6. Inconspicuously text husbands to make sure he doesn’t forget to give the kids kisses from Mommy at bedtime.

7. Finish off bottles of wine.

8. Begin sharing insane thoughts on the idea of how truly fabulous it’d be to have another child.

9. Sit back, let the wine wear off and wait for reality to slap you square in the face and knock some f#*king sense into you.

10. Agree that tonight’s conversations shall never leave the table and ask for the check.

You Say Penis, I Say Pieces…

When your kid refers to the custodian at her school as the “escobian” you giggle.

When she substitutes the word “unicornycorn” for unicorn during a conversation you get a good chuckle.

But when she starts the day by proudly declaring, “Hey Mommy, I really, really love those Reese’s Penises you bought me yesterday” you collapse on the floor, try to catch your breath as the stomach cramps set in from laughing so hard you can’t even see straight. Your turn. GO!

*The funniest thing my kid ever said was ________________.

Superwoman…

I need to carry this one around with me in my wallet for those days I am feeling like I suck. One glance at it and BAM! Just like that…I am back to being superwoman.

Another Mommy True Confession…

Ok, ok. I’ll admit it. Been there. Done that.
Not So Proud Mommy Moment #456,438.
Who else is guilty?

Saturday Night ala Mommy Style…

It’s 8:00 pm on a Saturday night, the kids are fast asleep in their beds and things are about to get pretty damn wild up in here. Maybe some folding of the laundry, perhaps a little unloading of the dishwasher, maybe I’ll even break out my secret hidden stash of candy corn flavored Oreos, wash them down with a couple of tasty Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ales, climb into bed with my better half and be snoring in bed by 10:00 pm. Here’s to another Saturday night…Mommy style. Holla.

Extremely Proud Mommy Moment #985,348:

Upon starting up the car this morning, four-year-old Olivia politely placed a music request for “Rocking the Suburbs” by Ben Folds Five and then proceeded to sing along with it, word for word, like it was her job. And just like that, I knew…today was going to be a good freaking day.
<walks off humming the song>

The Littlest Backseat Driver…

Mommy: (obnoxiously cut off by a moron driver) “Aw, come on! Really with that, buddy?!”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, Mommy? Ya know…that’s not really what you’re supposed to say when that happens.”
Mommy: “Oh really? And what is it I’m supposed to say, Liv?”
Olivia, 4: “You say jeez frucking christ…because that’s what Daddy always says when that happens to him.”

Operation: Annoy Mommy When She’s Busy…

I swear these kids have a radar that goes off each and every time my ass hits the seat of a chair. Sad, yet true story.

Soon To Be Five-Year-Old Olivia’s Birthday Wish List…

Mommy: “Liv, while we are at Target, let’s go take a peek in the toy aisle to get some ideas of what you’d like for your birthday.”

Olivia: (hurriedly crosses the store and makes sharp turn down aisle C39) “Ok, so ya see’s this aisle? I want both sides of this aisle and ‘specially the Easy Bake Oven and one of those little Furby guys down on the end.”

Friday Night: Mommy Style…

Kids in bed and asleep by 8:00 pm, about to wash down a burrito the size of my head with a Blue Point Pumpkin Ale and then do nothing more than bask in the glorious sounds of silence. It may not be one of those crazy Friday nights from my teenage years, but right about now…this shit is a thin slice of heaven right here on earth.

Today’s Great Big FU Of The Day Goes To… The Wear a Specific Color to School Everyday Week.

Olivia truly looked like a lovely little ray of sunshine in her yellow shirt, yellow headband and yellow Hello Kitty bracelet as she walked through the school entrance this morning. My little lady was going to rock yellow day like a boss. Then I noticed the sea of green following the same path as Olivia …

and it hit me like someone had slapped me upside the damn head. It wasn’t yellow day after all. That was tomorrow. And just like that I fell off my Perfect Mommy 2012 pedestal. So, did I drive back home like a lunatic, dig through Olivia’s dresser drawers for a green shirt, grab a green headband and speed back to the school to drop them off for her in an attempt to help her forget this tragic day and future therapy bills? You bet you ass I did.

<begins her slow climb back up the Perfect Mommy pedestal>

“Don’t make me count to 1, 2, 3. Yeah, it’s the Parent Rap, ya’ll.”

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xsw18k_parents-rap-about-maintaining-their-household_music

Mother Knows Best…

This one goes out to my know it all four-year-old daughter, Olivia…
Since it seems that through her eyes Mommy don’t know jack shit.

However, I do know that I can tie my shoes, count all the way to 30, wipe my own butt and eat as many cookies as I want whenever I want.

Just saying.

The Scary Sound of Silence…

When you aren’t sure whether to simply sit and enjoy the rare moments of silence or run at full speed to attempt to divert whatever disaster is about to take place…

 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall…

Mommy: “Camryn, it’s time to leave for school now!”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, Mom. I’m almost done. Be there in just a few more minutes.”
<Camryn arrives at the front door of house>
Mommy: “What the heck were you doing up there that took so long ? I thought you were all ready to leave like fifteen minutes ago?”
Camryn, 6: “Oh, yeah. I was all ready, but I just needed a few more minutes to finish up admiring my beauty.”

True story.

Farewell 2012 Mommy of the Year Award…

As if my sore throat at the end of the day wasn’t enough to remind me that I yelled at the kids too much today.
Poof! Out of f#*king nowhere comes six-year-old Camryn who finds it necessary to rub salt in the wound by declaring, “Ya know what mom? You are the best Mommy in the whole wide world. Even if you do that really loud yelling thing that really hurts my ears.”
And just like that, the 2012 Mom of the Year Award slipped away from me…

When Hormonally Charged Moms Drink…

You know that feeling when you are just about to take that last sip of your third glass of wine and you start rambling to your friend about how fast your kids have grown up and how it’d be so amazing to have another pair of little feet running through the house again?

Yeah, me either.
<pours glass #4>

Showertime Drama…(Starring Four Year Old Olivia and Her Infamous Screams, Shrieks and Bullshit)

What I Say:
“Come on, Olivia. It’s time for me to give you a shower.”

What She Hears:
“Come on, Olivia. It’s time for you to scream like a tortured raving lunatic while Mommy tries her best to wrestle you into the shower and attempts to rid you of all those stray Oreo crumbs in your left armpit, those pesky chunks of macaroni and cheese hiding in your hair and those streaks of black Sharpie marker you felt it necessary to decorate your legs with. ”

Without fail. Every f#*king time. Somebody make it stop.

Teach them well…

Where’s the Pause Button?

Wasn’t it just yesterday they were so small?
Somebody hit the pause button.
Please.

A Swift Kick to the Self-Esteem…

Nothing says good morning like your six-year-old pointing at the large zit on your forehead, commenting on it’s size and then offering up the advice to “just go buy that X-Out stuff she saw on television to just get rid of it.”

PS: I thanked her for her concern and advice and then told her of course we could go buy some X-Out…but not until after we made a stop at the pet store for a muzzle to take care of her nasty case of diarrhea of the mouth first.

The Middle Name…

Dear Kids,
When you hear me yelling out your full name with an extra emphasis on the middle one, you best start running in the opposite direction of my voice because shit’s about to get ugly. And that’s one to grow on.

With Love,
Mommy

MOMMY’S MOST WANTED: Please forward all resumes to – Attn: Overwhelmed Mommy

– One skilled chef able to prepare, serve and clean up kid-friendly meals that are guaranteed to be eaten by the kids with them partaking in minimal whining and/or complaining.

– One house cleaner able to manage keeping the house continuously tidy and free of pet fur tumbleweeds, stray toys, and cookie crumbs.

– One launderer able meet the demands of never-ending mountains of dirty clothes waiting patiently to be washed as well as clean clothes in need of being folded and put away in the dresser drawers where they actually belong.

– One administrative assistant able to tackle, sort and make sense of the tsunami of PTA letters, homework sheets, notices from the teacher and projects that spill out of the children’s folders each day after school.

– One animal lover extraordinaire to make sure the cats and dogs are fed, watered, acknowledged on a daily basis and don’t get lost in the shuffle of the everyday household chaos.

– One nail techincian to give weekly pedicures to avoid Mommy having scary looking half painted chipped toenails.

Thank you for your interest. We hope to hear from you soon. Like, REALLY, REALLY soon.

Kiddie Birthday Party Etiquette 101: The RSVP…

Dear Birthday Party RSVP’er,

Thank you very much for your timely RSVP to my daughter’s birthday party and for letting me know that not only will your daughter who was actually invited will be there, but her sister will be attending as well. Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you bring your neighbor, your kid’s bus driver, your fourth cousin once removed, your mailman, your pet goldfish and that random stranger riding his bike you passed while driving today to join in on the festivities too. I look forward to meeting you all.

Sincerely,

Mommy

The Bottomless Pit (Otherwise Known as Mommy’s Pocketbook)…

Cashier: “That’ll be $6.33, Miss.”
Mommy: “Ok. Hang on. I know I have the change in here somewhere. Just give me about an hour and a half or so to sift through all these goldfish cracker crumbs, wads of chewed gum, dirty tissues and Squinkie toys to find it for ya.”

Never Forget…

9/11/01
Never forget.
♥

All Aboard the Avoiding Bedtime Express…

Good evening, folks. It’s 8:00 pm and it appears we are right on schedule for yet another evening chockful of bedtime shenanigans courtesy of my kids who will go to any costs to prolong going to bed.

Same shit, different night.
I want off this ride.
<punches out>

 

 

Confidence…

“Ya know how I know so much about things, Mommy? It’s because I have a really talented brain.” ~ Camryn, 6

The Littlest Whistler…

Four year old Olivia has mastered the skill of whistling…really loud…all day long.  She is clearly showing a preference for such tunes as Flo Rida’s “Whistle”, “One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful”, Katy Perry’s “Wide Awake” and the well-known crowd pleaser, Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.”

…And just like that, there was yet another addition to my “Top Ten Super Annoying Things Olivia Does that Makes Mommy Want to Check Herself Into an Insane Asylum” list. Lord help me.

Mommy’s Secret Snacks…

Candy bars, that last Oreo cookie in the box, that last handful of peanut M & M’s, the last of the box of Lucky Charms which was the perfect amount to make that very last bowl of delicious marshmallowy cereal snack goodness I put in my belly.
Admit it…you’re just as guilty as I am. And because after all, we f#*kin’ deserve it.

The Parenting 101 Exam…

Please keep your eyes on your own test, go with your gut instinct and truthfully answer yes or no to the following questions to find out if you have what it takes to be a parent…

1. Are you willing to be startled out of a sound sleep from crying, whining and/or repeated requests for cups of water every hour of the night and make sleeping through the night a distant memory?

2. Does scarfing down a half eaten chicken nugget, a few soggy french fries and a sip of chocolate milk sound like an appetizing and satisfying dinner?

3. Do you find wearing clothes stained with baby spitup, pureed peas and smeared with gobs of snot fashionable?

4. Did you ever have dreams of becoming a lifelong taxi driver who does receive pay, tips or any other form of thanks for all your hard work?

5. Can you manage to stay somewhat sane after listening to the latest teeny bopper song 118 times in a row?

6. Do you have a secure location within your house (ie: bathroom with a lock on the door) to attempt undisturbed phone calls?

7. Do you consider conquering mountain after mountain of laundry to be an enjoyable way to spend most, if not all, of your days?

8. Do you enjoy cleaning up the same exact mess in the same exact room a minimum of fifteen times a day?

9. Have you always wondered what it’d be like to have company each and every time you had to move your bowels, shower or shave?

10. Have you made it through questions 1-9 and are still entertaning the idea of reproducing?

If you answered no to one or more of the questions, you are NOT ready to become a parent. If so desired, please re-test in the near future to see if you have acquired what it takes to take on the most rewarding, yet challenging role of your life…Parenthood.

Running…

I am not a fan of running. Even speed walking sucks in my book. However, dangle a package of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups in front of me, have a serial killer chase me with a bloody knife or send one or more whining children after me…and I’m going to run like it’s my job.

JOB POSTING:

Referee needed to break up constant ear piercing, super irritating and at times, straight up nauseating bickering between four and six year old drama queen sisters who argue over anything and everything. Black and white striped shirt not mandatory, but welcomed. Payment will be in the form of generous portions of goldfish crackers and juice boxes (your choice of flavor). Please be available to begin work ASAP as Mommy is likely to have a nervous breakdown soon if she is subjected to another day of the torture.

Attention Shoppers and Alumni of Pequa High School…We Have a Big Hot Mess in Aisle 8.

And as if my disheveled appearance wasn’t enough to make me want to get out of sight by hiding inside a clothes rack, the children displaying their most obnoxious behavior by climbing all over the shopping carts really made me want to sprint to the nearst emergency exit door and get the hell outta dodge…

True Story…

Today’s Great Big FU of the Day Goes to Pokeman…

And just when I thought we were in the clear and that the Pokeman fad had passed over our house, my seven year old comes home from school today and now speaks about nothing else but that little yellow bastard, Pikachu and all his little weirdo friends. I am left kicking myself for ever complaining about her former obsession with Justin Bieber. What I wouldn’t give to have to listen to Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend” 38 times in a row right about now…

Mother Knows Best…

My mother’s laughter from the day I called her to tell her I was going to give birth to a girl still echoes in my ears seven years later…now I know why. I offer up my apologies to my mom at least once a week for my childhood antics. This parenthood thing ain’t no joke.

 

Pinterest To The Rescue…

Because television shows about beer, cars or classic rock bands just don’t hold my interest…at all. So, for those nights, I turn to Pinterest, because I can always use another new recipe I’ll never cook, a kiddie craft I’ll buy the supplies for and forget to do with the kids or another picture of a shirtless Mark Wahlberg circa 1990’s. True story.

Strange Attraction…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, can I tell you something before Daddy gets home from work because I don’t think he’ll really want to hear this one.”
Mommy: “Sure.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, I think I might love Frankie in my class.”
Mommy: “I see. And what makes you love this Frankie more than any of the other boys in your class?”
Camryn, 6: “Well, because he does really funny things that make me laugh so hard.”
Mommy: “Like what kind of funny things?”
Camryn, 6: “Well, he does this thing when he preteds to choke himself. It is like the funniest thing ever and it makes me laugh so much. I so love him.”
Mommy: “Well, it sounds like true love to me, Cam.”

Damn You Cellulite!

While walking on the treadmill today, I could’ve sworn I heard someone clapping for my exercising efforts.
Turns out it was just my thighs slapping together.
<sigh>

Mommie Dearest 2…

And the Leading Role of Mommie Dearest in the Upcoming Movie Mommie Dearest 2-The Sequel Goes To…Me.

According to this chart, I needed an exorcist by 8:37 AM this morning. That’s got to be some sort of world record. Maybe it was  all the whining, or the bickering, or the fact that each and every room of the house was turned upside down or perhaps even just  a combination of all of the aove, but anyway you look at it, this morning was a bumpy one for sure. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to drown myself in my Mommy guilt for the next six hours until the little ones return home from school and quickly pick up right where they left off this morning with their mission of driving me the the brink of insanity. <hangs head in shame>

Mama Goes Batshit Crazy…

Dear Olivia,

And once again…congrats to you, little lady. Because of your antics this evening, you are the grand prize winner on “Making Mommy Go Batshit Crazy.” You have won yourself Mommy screaming, yelling and the added bonus of watching her teeter on the edge of sanity. I hope you enjoy your prize. Now get your ass to bed. NOW.

With Love,

Your Exhausted Mommy (Who Wants Nothing More Than to Finally Punch Out For the Night So Go the F#*k to Sleep N-O-W…please)

Calling All Parents…

Please feel free to submit your addition to the list of
“Did I Just F#*king say That?!” below.
The more insane sounding, the better.

My Submission…
“Olivia, is that poop or chocolate on your hands and if it is in fact poop…is it yours or someone else’s?”

Mommy Lesson of the Day: Next Time, Wait Longer.

Ever have your four year old talk back to you, walk away and then unexpectedly turn around to catch you giving them the middle finger for being such a brat? Yeah, me either.

True Story…

Sadly, I have no choice but to confess to this nonsense, because it takes place around here…Every. Single. Day.

…Now, did you hear what I just said to you? Did you?

Not So Gourment Meals Ala Mommy Style…

Because one day…I WILL make one of those fancy “just came out of the pages of a cooking magazine” looking homemade meals. Just not today. And tomorrow’s not looking too promising either, but one day. One day. <sigh>

Day one: Operation Mommy Goes Back To Work After Seven Years as a Stay At Homer… (time to take a deep breath, put on my “I got this under control face” and pretend that no matter what happens, it’s all part of the plan…more or less)…

Mommy: “Girls, are you sad that Mommy is going back to work and won’t be there to pick you up from school anymore?”

Camryn, 6: “Nope. Not at all. I’m proud of you for going to be a teacher again.”

Olivia, 4: “Um, yeah. You are’s a great Mommy, Mommy.”

<girls tackle Mommy and smother her with bear hugs>

All Aboard the Tantrum Coaster (Never Underestimate the Power of a Four-Year-Old)…

Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome aboard the most terrifying ride of your life. Step up and take a seat on the infamous Olivia’s Roller Coaster of Tantrums. Please sit back, secure all loose articles, and brace yourself for the bumpiest ride of your life…because shit’s about to get ugly.
*Disclaimer: This ride is not for the weak of heart.

 

 

A Small Sampling of the Insanity that is My Children’s Why’s…

Why don’t you ever let me eat lollipops for breakfast? Why does that poopy I just made look like a snake? Why do girls have a pagina and boys have that stick thingy with the two circles? Why does ice cream always taste so delicious? Why does Mommy have those big boobies? Why does the cat meow really loud when I squeeze her super, super hard? Why does Mommy sometimes yell really loud then runaway to the nearest bathroom and lock herself inside after a long day of me asking her 199,654,338 questions about anything and everything?

Mommy’s Toilet Cleaning Motivation…

Because cleaning the toilets in my house deserves a big bowl of that delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream strategically hidden behind a bag of frozen peas in the freezer, a tall stack of those yummy Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chunk cookies hidden behind the boring Scooby Doo fruit snacks, a couple handfuls of tasty candy from that birthday party goodie bag I told you I threw out because you didn’t need the sugar…Oh, and a trophy. Because yes, cleaning the toilets is that bad.

“Emergencies”…

Ever notice how each and every time you pay a visit to the bathroom an “emergency” seems to arise? Every f#*king time. Such emergencies include, but are not limited to, your child needing a snack even though they just ate two minutes ago, them wanting the television channel changed because they already saw the episode of Spongebob that is playing, or the phone rang, so they picked it up and told the caller to call back because Mommy is busy making a lot of poopies right now…

The Dessert Let Down…

And just like that my dreams of whether to give half a package of Oreo’s, a ginormous bowl of cookies and cream ice cream, a bag of peanut M & M’s or a couple of Hostess cupcakes a home inside my belly crumbled. Soon after, a tear fell from my eye.

Mommy Epiphany #768,325:

After much consideration over the past seven years, there is officially no doubt in my mind that the local icream truck driver has a CTS (child tracking system) in his mobile freezer of sugary treats that has the extraordinary ability to locate my kids no matter where there are in town which then prompts him to drive up along side them blasting his obnoxious brain-washing jingles which then reults in him tempting them with his ice creamy goodness and finally, cause category 5 tantrums when Mommy ultimately denies the kids a digustingly gross artificially flavored Dora ice pop with black gumball eyes that stain the children’s mouths for at least four days afterwards.

<plots Mommy revenge while deciding if tire slashing or sugar in the gas tank will be her weapon of choice>

Ready, Set…SCHOOL!

Dear Children,

Another school year has officially begun. I hope you have an amazing first day of school and fully enjoy your crust-trimmed pb & j sandwiches made with Mommy love at lunch today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have 5 hours and 32 minutes of silence to bask in. See you soon.

With Love,

Mommy

PS: Those were tears of sadness you saw falling from my eyes as you walked through the school doors. And in case you were also wondering, I sometimes do a dance and cheer when I cry.

Telephone Trouble…

This.
Without Fail.
Every f#*king time I pick up the phone.
True story.

15,000+ and Counting…(What the What?!)

Once upon a time I bought a notebook to document all the hysterically funny, unbelievable, shocking, tear-jerking, and insane things my kids did and said. Then, I decided to turn that notebook into a blog. Next, I paid a visit to Facebook and created Where’s the f#*king mommy manual?. When I realized I had 100 fans, I was shocked. When I reached 500, I was blown away. When I hit 1,000, I was in complete awe that so many people would take the time to read about my Mommy tantrums. Fast foward nine months to today…there are 15,000+ of you here and I want to take a moment to thank you all for being here, for your sarcasm, your wit, your honesty and your kind words. Thank you all for proving to me I am not alone on this crazy roller coaster ride called parenthood.

And to all those pages out there I love to read, have shown me love and keep me laughing on a daily basis…a big thank you to all of you as well. Scary Mommy, PaRANThood, Holdin’ Holden, Mary Tyler Mom, I Want a Dumpster Baby, Joy of Mom, Ninja Mom, Inside the Mind of a Ghetto Genius, ~My Inner Child Is a Drunken Whore~

RIP…

Mommy: “Camryn, I have some sad news. Your great-great-uncle Hal died. So, tomorrow we will be going over Grandma and Grandpa’s house to spend time with the whole family.

Camryn, 6: (dramatic silent pause) “Oh. That’s really sad. Hey Mom…actually, would it be okay if I made a rip sign to bring over?”

Daddy: “What the heck’s a rip sign?”

Mommy: (shakes head) “Uh, Cam, are we talking rip as in a sign that says R.I.P on it?

Camryn, 6: “Okay, okay, forget it.”

Mommy and Daddy: “Forgotten.”

Dear Mrs. Know-It-All Mom…

Yep. I’m talking to you Mrs. Know-It-All Mom with the out of control kid telling me how to raise my kid. Now, zip it and carry on. Ain’t nobody got time for your bullshit up in here…

We Need a Mommy Timeout Over Here…STAT!

When the act of dragging my fat ass to the gym to sweat like a pig all over the treadmill rates up there with a two week vacation to a secluded tropical island it clearly means one thing…this mommy is in desperate need of a timeout.
<stuffs the girls into sports bra and heads for the hills…>

This one goes out to my daughter, Camryn…

To the three-year-old girl who simply wouldn’t hear of standing next to a bar to learn first position, so instead breakdanced her way through her first and last ballet lesson. To the four-year-old girl who came across a wombat stuffed animal in the toy store and chose to buy him over all the cute, fuzzy teddy bears and floppy eared puppy stuffed animals. To the five-year-old girl who prefers to draw pictures of stingrays, the life cycle of seeds and pygmy marmosets over princesses, unicorns and hearts. To the six-year-old girl I am damn proud to call my daughter. May she always sparkle, follow her heart and chase her dreams…

An Open Letter To Playground Bullies…

Dear playground bullies…
Consider yourself warned.
Yours truly,
Mommy

Let’s Be Honest…

Because let’s be honest here…no matter what you post, the only way I’m running a marathon is if a mass murderer is chasing me with an ax in his hand, someone is dangling a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups in front of me or the prize for crossing the finish line is a trip to a secluded tropical island where children are not permitted, bottomless margaritas are served 24/7 and getting up before 10:00 am is unheard of. How’s that for inspiration?

Mommy Boot Camp In Full Effect…

I am almost certain that the extremely pregnant woman we encountered in aisle eight of Target glanced down at her huge belly and proceeded to say a prayer upon bearing witness to one of four-year-old Olivia’s infamous category five temper tantrums. That poor lady came in to Target with her mom-to-be glow and her main priority being to shop for a bottle of shampoo. Thanks to her sneak preview into the world of the tantrums, she ended up leaving frazzled, weary, shocked and empty-handed. Thanks to Olivia’s sneak preview into motherhood, the woman was last seen running, at full speed, towards the nearest library on a mission to get her desperate hands on a copy of the F#*king Mommy Manual…

Parenthood. Simply stated.

Here’s to hoping I succeed in doing my part to make society a better place. <crosses fingers>

Not-So-Proud Mommy Moment #786,458:

Today I meticulously vacuumed every single floor in my house…not because the floors were actually in need of being cleaned, but to temporarily drown out the whining, bickering and never-ending flow of demands coming from the children.

Yep. True story.
<hangs head in shame while admiring the spotless floors>

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year…

A Saturday Night Toast to Successful Bedtimes… (For Miracles Truly Do Happen)

And tonight, the joy of not having to endure four-year-old Olivia having multiple bedroom exits for a glass of water, to use the potty for the sixth time in the last five minutes, to request another glass of water, to give one last hug, to tell me she finally remembered that really important thing she wanted to tell me but forgot before which is that I forgot to put “air conditioner” in her hair at bathtime today because my first attempt at putting her to bed was a success…well, that just takes joy to a whole new level. Bottoms up!

Mommy Tantrum #99,846:

I will never truly comprehend and completely loathe the power and skill that a four-year-old possesses to smuggle 99.9% of the sand from the beach to the inside of my home by way of her hair, the crotch of her bathing suit, her shoes, her towel, both of her ears and her left nostril. Without fail. Every f#*king time.
<fires up the vacuum>

Mommy’s Teetering on the Ledge…of Sanity.

Mommy: “Wow! I can’t freaking take it anymore today. I am so done! How much longer til school starts?!”
Olivia, 4: “What you say?”
Mommy: “I said Mommy loves you, dear. Now carry on and go continue to do your job of making a complete mess of everything I just cleaned in this house so I can freak out again about fifteen minutes from now.”
Olivia, 4: “Um, ok.”

Cupcakes in a Bottle…

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any easier for us moms who consider baking to be making cupcakes that come from a box…somewhere out there a fellow mommy gave birth to this ingenious idea and has now made life that much easier for moms around the globe. And for that, I would like to present to her the Mommy Inspired Invention Award of the Year. Hats off to you wise lady and next time I “bake” you get the first cupcake.

What Mommy Says vs. What Kid Hears…

And some of my own personal faves which include, but are not limited to…

What Mommy Says: “Go brush your teeth.”

What Kid Hears: “Go fill the sink with soap bubbles and flood the entire bathroom floor.”

What Mommy Says: “Go pick out an outfit to wear for today.”

What Kid Hears: “Rip apart every single drawer in your dresser and scatter the contents of them across your bedroom floor.”

What Mommy Says: “Go clean your room.”

What Kid Hears: “Scoop everything up from the floor and  forcefully shove it under your bed, into drawers and in your closet.”

*Now, it’s your turn. What do you say and what do they actually hear? GO!

Mommy Epiphany #45,685:

Stealing fifteen minutes of extra sleep time for yourself after your kids have awoken and are galloping and yelling around the house in the morning is guaranteed to  bring you at least double that amount of time in disaster clean up. Epic mommy fail. Lesson learned.

Don’t Mess With Mommy’s Pedicure Time…

That infuriating moment when you try to recapture your piece of Mommy zen after the nail technician doing your pedicure yells out something in another language while pointing at your toes which results in every other worker in the salon pointing and staring at you while laughing uncontrollably.

*Note to self: Put learning to speak their language on the top of the to-do list. Beware nail people…Mommy’s coming to get ya.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do…

That moment when you are completely appalled and rendered speechless at how obnoxious your child is being to you and the sting that follows soon after as you come to realize they learned it by watching you during one of your infamous Mommy tantrums. Yeah, that shameful moment…at least once a day around these parts.

<hangs head in shame and slips into a “I kinda suck at this whole Mom thing” self pity party>

Let the Countdown Begin…

There are approximately 186 hours, 48 minutes and 56 seconds until the joyous sound of school bells chiming will fill the air, but I mean, who’s counting? This. Gal. Right. Here. That’s who.

186 hours, 48 minutes and 12 seconds…

Mommy’s Lesson of the Day:

Before deciding to kick back, enjoy the silence and mindlessly browse Pinterest when your children run off upstairs to “play with dress up clothes,” be sure to ask them whose clothes they have in mind for their latest activity. My closet will never be the same. And that, my fellow mommies…is one to grow on.

2012 Mommy Olympics…

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mommies and Daddies, Kids of All Ages…

Welcome to  the 2012 Mommy Olympics.

May the best Mommy win.

This year’s events shall include the following… …

Freestyle Food Shopping: Push a shopping cart filled with a fifty pound child, bread, milk, eggs, and a box of Lucky Charms up and down each aisle of the supermarket while avoiding knocking down various displays of items. Bonus points if you remember to actually get the milk which was the reason you actually entered the store in the first place.

Aquatics: Wrangle your child, bribe them with whatever it takes to enter the tub, avoid a flood in the bathroom, keep their whining and screaming to a minimum and have them somehow end up dirt-free.

Early Morning Exit: make sure the child has been dressed in clean underwear and a shirt and pants that actually match, has brushed their teeth, combed their hair and eaten their breakfast. This must be completed in approximately five minutes since each and every morning is rushed, chaotic and extremely stressful.

Creative Cooking: Think up, shop for, prepare and and be ready to serve kid-friendly foods in a moment’s notice with backup plans A and B ready to go for when the first course of food the child requested gets rejected for no other reason than they simply changed their mind.

Exitless Bedtime: Get your child to bed with no more than six exits from their room once the lights have been turned out. Exit excuses for a glass of water, a seventeenth hug or assistance performing a search and recovery mission for a stuffed animal will not be tolerated and may be cause for disqualification.

Focused Driving: Able to safely operate a vehicle while juggling a minimum of 17,258 demands and requests from the children which shall begin the second the key enters the ignition.

Telephone Call Dash: Successfuly complete a phone call without being interrupted by your children, screaming at your children or simply being distracted by your children.

Good luck, Mommies. Now go get that gold medal you deserve…

The Digestive System 101…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mommy, I have to go the bathroom to make poop. You know why I have to make poop? Because I ate my dinner and after I poop I will be able to eat dessert. Pretty cool how that works, huh?”
Mommy: “Yes, very cool indeed. Now don’t forget to wipe.”
Camryn, 6: “Got it.” (proudly skips off to the bathroom)

Bottoms Up…

And a happy Saturday night to you and yours. Bottoms up.

An Open Letter to a Mommy Know-It-All…

To That Know-It-All First Time Mom,

With all due respect to a fellow mommy, you’ve only been in the game for a mere three months and even though your baby “is an absolute dream child”, has slept through the night since 4 weeks of age, and is already scoring a perfect score on the SAT, you still have mountains to climb in this journey called motherhood. Thanks for the attempted condescending lecture on how to properly raise my four and six year old children, but ain’t nobody got time for that. I bid you good luck, for it is guaranteed that in time, you will stumble too and come to realize the hard truth that all mommies, including you, have no choice but to take this job day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. Now, shutup and move along. We’re done here.

Sincerely,

Mommy

You know you’re a full-fledged mommy when…

your clothes and hair perpetually look like you just got shot out of a cannon but your four-year-old daughter’s hair, clothes, shoes and multiple color-coordinated accessories look like she just walked out of a page in a magazine.
<smooths the wrinkles from her black yoga pants and then pulls her wet, frizzing hair back into the standard mommy ponytail>

Heaven On Earth…

And if the bathroom walls are soundproofed, there’s a waiter serving bottomless margaritas and nachos in there…I’d call it my own personal slice of heaven on earth.

Today’s Agenda…

Reason #4,332 I Know Mommy is Overtired:

I just tried, not once, but three times to lock the front door to the house by pushing the button on my car key remote before my six year old daughter corrected me.

<Here’s where I wish I could say I was kidding, but sadly, it’s a true story, folks. Go on. Pity me. Or better yet, take my kids so I can go indulge in some shut eye for awhile.>

Sweet Dreams…

And then, once they are asleep, don’t forget to pay them another visit so you can spend a few minutes staring at them while in complete awe of their beauty, their total peacefulness and fact they haven’t whined, complained, made a mess or asked for a snack in over ten minutes. ♥

Deep Thoughts By A Frazzled Mommy #9,658:

Sometimes, after a long and trying day, it’s the little things that bring a smile to my face. Such as making the fantastical discovery of a few leftover french fries in the bottom of my daughter’s Happy Meal after she has declared she’s done eating dinner. And that’s one to grow on.

True Story…

And if you manage to survive the terrible two’s…brace yourself, because having a four year old is like unleashing a category 5 hurricane in your very own home. True story.

Like Mother, Like Daughters…

This ones goes out to the two most sarcastic, determined and downright stubborn leaders in training I know…my daughters. Like mother, like daughters.

An Open Letter to a Gyno…

Dear Gynecologist,

And so we meet again. I’ll be right with you for my exam, but would you please excuse me while I spend the next five minutes attempting to strategically hide my bra and underwear under my shirt and pants on your exam room chair, because god forbid you should get a glance of my undergarments while you are busy getting up close and personal with my womanly parts.

PS: Please don’t question it. For some odd reason, that I cannot seem to explain in words, it makes total sense to me. Always has. Always will. Now let’s get this party started, shall we?

Sincerely,
The Crazy Lady in the Stirrups

Supermarket Hits…

Because there simply aren’t too many things out there that trump being able to sing along to Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” while strolling down the frozen foods aisle…

 

You Know You’re a Mommy When _____________.

Mommy Fun Fact of the Day: I Sometimes Envy My Cat…

Sometimes when I get stuck in one of those overwhelming moments where the kids are bickering, the laundry is piled up to the ceiling, the dirty dishes are staring at me to clean them, the vacuum is calling my name because it hasn’t seen daylight in days and the toilets are having trouble remembering the last time they were scrubbed clean…I shut my eyes really, really tight and pray like it’s my job that just for that one moment, I can switch places with my cat. That little bastard’s got the life. Sigh.

Mom vs. Dad…

Thanks NickMom for the much needed morning laugh and the spot on depiction of my very own childhood.*
*(with all due respect to my awesome Dad, who may or may not be reading this and who I would never change if given the chance because then he wouldn’t be so awesome.)

All I Need To Know I Learned From My Six-Year-Old Daughter…

Mommy: “Uh Cam, I need to tell you some sad news. Grandma and Grandpa’s dog died today.”
Camryn, 6:  “Oh no…”
Mommy: (frantically trying to think of some soothing words to ease the kid’s pain) “Well, yes, it is very sad but people and animals just can’t live forever…so, ah…”
Camryn, 6: “It’s ok, Mom. Don’t worry, because the real reason people and animals die is so that new things can be born into this world. So, you see? It’s ok.” (hugs Mommy)

Guilty as Charged…

Not proud, extremely embarassed, yet guilty as charged.

Not So Proud Mommying Moment #6,754,332,986:

Because as if skipping out on making dinner for the kids and opting to order take out tonight didn’t cost me some serious points in the race for 2012 Mommy of the Year, the fact that I also raided my six-year-old’s piggy bank for tip money for the delivery most likely knocked me out of the competition all together.

Mommy Epiphany #4,987,435:

Sitting in the car during bumper-to-bumper traffic can sometimes feel somewhat like a mini-vacation from reality when there aren’t any kids whining in the backseat and you have full reign over the radio.  <cranks up the volume a few more notches simply because she can>

Today’s Mantra…

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

 

Today’s FU of the Day Goes to Aging…

You know you’re no spring chicken anymore when dyeing your hair is mandatory rather than optional, you get overly excited when you stumble across a re-run of The Facts of Life and truly believe it’s some sort of a typo that the sign on the liquor store counter reads “must have been born in 1991 to buy alcohol.”

A Mommy’s Perspective…

Because at the end of the day, when you take a quiet moment to put it all in perspective… the whining, messy rooms and bickering really ain’t all that bad after all. ♥ ♥

The Baby Fever Cure…

In the event a case of baby fever strikes…I use this as my cure. Uninterrupted sleep…the stuff dreams and happy mommies are made of.

 

The Six-Year-Old Confidence Crusher…

Camryn, 6: “Hey mom. Can I tell you something? I really like your shirt.”
Mommy: “Thanks, Cam.”
Camryn, 6: “And I really like how your shoes match the shirt too.”
Mommy: “Thanks a lot. That’a really nice of you to say.”
Camryn, 6: “Yeah, well uh. Can I tell you something else? The pants you’re wearing. Um, not so much.”
Mommy: “Hey Cam, can I tell you something? I love you.”
Camryn, 6: “Love you too, Mom.”
Mommy: “Your pants comment…not so much.”
<trying to deny the fact a six-year-old has caused her to consider paying a visit to her closet and ponder whether or not to change her pants out for a different pair>

Cheers…

Mommy’s got her dancing shoes on tonight. To all you fine folks, I say cheers and enjoy.

 

Joyful Warfare…

Because somedays their sweetness and innocence brings tears of joy to my eyes…and because somedays a six-year-old and her four-year-old sidekick sister have the energy, power and scare tactics of an army to make me run around in circles searching for an escape route.

Punched Out…

Dear Kids,

Mommy has officially punched out for the evening and has left the building to attend a night out which shall include a visit to a restaurant that does not welcome children and serves lots of wine. Therefore, please forward all whining, tattle-telling, complaining, and demands to Daddy or better yet, prove to us all that miracles really do happen and deal with it yourselves. Have a lovely evening.

With lots of love,
Mommy

Beware…

This is a warning. Take caution and please stay back 500 feet at all times. Any whining, bickering or backtalk may induce dramatic and possibly shocking outrages, screaming and temper tantrums. Repeat, this is a warning. Mommy’s on a rampage. Consider yourself warned.

Let’s Get It On…

After a long, tiring, straight up shitty day, there simply isn’t anything sexier to a Mommy than hearing these words spoken from her husband’s mouth as she teeters on the edge of sanity. Looks like someone’s getting lucky tonight…

Top Ten Most Annoying Things My Mom Said When I Was a Kid: (That I Swore Up and Down I Would NEVER Say Once I Had My Own Kids)

1. “If I have to get up out of this seat you are going to be one sorry young lady!”

2. “If you’d just listen the first time, I wouldn’t have to yell like a crazy person!”

3. “Stop jumping on the couch! It is not a trampoline!”

4. “Stop jumping on your bed! Just like the couch, it’s not a trampoline!”

5. “No, you cannot skip dinner and go straight to dessert!”

6. “Stop being mean to your sister before I give her permission to kick your butt for it.”

7. “Close the front door! Even though your room is a pigsty we don’t live in a damn barn!”

8. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

9. “Because I’m the mom, that’s why.”

10. “I hope one day you have a daughter just like you.”

Dessert is Served…

So, stressed is desserts spelled backwards and today was a rather stressful day. Therefore I need no justification other than this fact to allow myself the pleasure of making my belly close friends with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s covered in hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles…with a side of a pint of Haagen Dazs to wash it down.

Unsolicited Random Acts of Love and Appreciation. (Reason #4,985,043,231,456,998 why my kids rock)

Mommy: “Goodnight sweetie. I love you.”

Camryn, 6: “Goodnight Mommy. Oh, and there’s one other thing I need to tell you.”

Mommy: “What’s that?”

Camryn, 6: “Thank you because you are the best Mommy I could ever, ever have and…I love you to the moon and back.”

Mommy: (choking back tears while thanking her lucky stars for the best daughter she could ever have)

Hell Is a Pair of Pantyhose…

So, I wore panythose to a job interview today because I felt like it’s one of those things you are supposed to do. However, wearing pantyhose is, without a doubt, my own personal piece of hell here on earth. No joke. All my brain can think about while I have them on is how much longer I have to have them on. I think just based on the fact that I sat there with a smile on my face for 32 straight minutes all the while enduring the horrific feeling of having the lower half of my body being suffocated should be more than enough to win me a job offer with a six-figure salary. Just saying.

This One’s a Must Read…

I stumbled upon this gem while waiting in line at CVS. Clearly, it’s only a matter of time before it lands on the #1 spot of the New York Times Bestseller List, so run, don’t walk, to your local CVS now for your very own copy before they sell out.

Dinner is Served, Kids. Bon Appetit.

The To-Do List…

You know things are a bit too hectic in your life when you find yourself adding “check to-do list” to your to-do list.

 

Denim Underwear: A Fashion No No…

And while we’re on the topic of ill-fitting clothing…
somebody please agree with me when I say this new fad of girls wearing denim daisy dukes needs to go away as fast as it appeared. Honestly, there is nothing flattering about their asses hanging out on display for all the world to see, nothing flattering about watching them struggle to remove their denim wedgies all day long and frankly denim underwear just isn’t cool.

Same Shit. Different Morning…

What’s Said:   “Camryn, please go upstairs to get dressed and then meet me at the front door in five minutes so we can leave for camp.”

What’s Heard Through Six-Year-Old Ears: “Camryn, please continue staring at the computer screen, completely ignore my first four requests for you to go get dressed, stop along the way to pet the cat, tease and taunt your kid sister as you pass her in the hallway, construct a lego toy, read a book from cover to cover, rearrange every single stuffed animal in your bedroom, scrunch up the outfit I spent ten minutes picking out out for you to wear today, tear apart every one of your dresser drawers and scrunch up every item of clothing into a wrinkled ball while searching for another outfit that doesn’t even match and then meet me downstairs by the front door so we are twenty minutes late for camp.”

Kidz Bop 22 In the house…

The kids couldn’t contain their excitement when they fired up their brand new copy of the Kidz Bop 22 CD today. I’d be lying if I said I was excited too, because just when I thought the Top 40 songs couldn’t get any more annoying…out of f#*king nowhere it’s a  bunch of tone-deaf kids butchering them beyond belief. Let the torture begin…

Mommy Genuis…

One of those “why didn’t I think of that moments.” Genius. Pure genius.

Because we all know at least one of these kind…

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s Super Mess Makers…

Because my kids were born with the super annoying superpower to completely turn a room upside down in 1/16th of the time it took me to clean it. I clean, they mess. <Sigh>

Deep Thoughts: by Mommy…

Why is it that after years of nagging, my daughters still can’t seem to remember to clean their room or put their dirty dishes in the sink after a meal yet they have memorized every freaking word to “Call Me Maybe” in just a matter of weeks? Clearly, there is a clashing of priorities around here…

“You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.” ~ Dave Barry

Olivia Economics…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, can I get this toy?”
Mommy: “Nope. Already told you…I’m not buying you anything.”
Olivia, 4: (dramtic pause) “Oh. Okay. Well, I got it. All you haves to do it gives the money to me and I’ll just buys it for myself.
Mommy: “Drop the toy and please proceed to the nearest exit.”
Olivia, 4: (pouting)

Welcome and Thank You Visitors…

Burgers, beer, family, friends and a clean house. The stuff summertime Saturday BBQ’s are made of…

Today’s FU Goes to Friday Night Kiddie Birthday Parties… (and the Moms Who Book Them)

 If I don’t win the 2012 Mommy of the Year award for taking the kids to their friend’s 6:30 pm on a Friday night roller skating birthday party…nothing

will. And I am pretty sure I probably got some serious bonus points for surviving the plethora of arcade games, the migraine inducing top 40 songs being blasted from the dj booth, the 37 extra minutes after the party ended watching the kids hem and haw over which piece of lead-filled plastic crap toy to spend their tickets on only to break on the car ride home. <skips the glass and decides to drink straight from the bottle>

Mommy’s Daily Reminder…

Because even though sometimes I find myself wrapped up in the idea that the number on the scale is supposed to be smaller, my bank account is supposed to be bigger, dinner for the kids is supposed to include a vegetable, the floor of my house is supposed to be free of crumbs, the wash is supposed to be folded before it wrinkles, my hair is supposed to less frizzy, my skin is supposed to be flawless and I am supposed to be stress and worry free at all times…it’s ok if I’m not.

Need Sleepy…

However, if I did indeed still have a soul…I would have sold that mofo for just five extra minutes of sleep this morning. If they gave out medals for the most effort in dragging your tired, sorry ass out of bed…I would have taken home the gold. Is it bedtime yet?

You say bitching. I say verbal releasing…

When Children Listen…

Camryn, 6: “So, ah…Mom. I saw you with your group of kids today at camp and I noticed that you were yelling at them like you yell at me and Olivia sometimes.”
Mommy: “Yeah, but there’s one difference.”
Camryn, 6: “What?”
Mommy: “They actually listen and do what I say. It’s actually rather refreshing.”
Camryn, 6: (silence)

Missing Exerciser…

I am pretty certain there is a missing person poster with my picture on the gym wall…it’s been that long. Blech.

An Infinite List of Reasons…

Stumbled upon this little gem waiting patiently for me on my nightstand while climbing into bed this evening…

..and within seconds of reading it I realized that there simply aren’t enough sheets of paper in the world for me to write the never-ending list of reasons why I love six-year-old Camryn more than life itself…this note is just one of those reasons.

This…every now and then. ♥

Auditory Torture…

That sad, sad moment when your kids inform you they now have the ability to recognize the random swear words and question all those provocative phrases in all of your favorite songs that you so enjoy listening to during car rides and the realization you are now officially doomed to a life of swear word free Kidz Bop. <sheds a tear>

Always One in the Bunch…

Because there’s always that one daily Facebook status update in your news feed that makes you wanna smack someone upside the head…

Can I Get An Amen?

And the Award for Best Hairbrusher Goes To…

Olivia, 4: “Um, Daddy? You do’s alots of stuff better like all that working stuff, but mommy’s a much better hair brusher than you.”

Who knew after all these years of Olivia’s screeching, whining and crying while I try my damndest to make sense of the early morning rat’s nest that is her hair was her own special way of showing me how appreciative she is of my outstanding hairbrushing skills.

<pats self on back>

And Mommy’s Dinner is Served…

Behold! The Amazing Six-Year-Old Mind Reader…

Olivia, 4: “Hey Camryn, try and read my mind.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, first tell me what you are thinking.”
Olivia, 4: “I love pink.”
Camryn, 6: “Ok, I got it. You are thinking you love the color pink.”
Olivia, 4: (in awe) “Wow Cam, you’re really good at this.”

The Plan Has Backfired…

Wishful Thinking…

Salesgirl: (unlocks fitting room door) “Ok miss, you’re all set. Just give a holler if you need me to get you a smaller size.”

Me: “Um, yeah. If by some miracle I need a smaller size this whole damn store’s gonna hear me hollering about it.”

Salesgirl: (turns and walks away)

Feline Revenge…

“Oh you failed to make changing my litterbox a priority AGAIN? Well then, unfortunately you’ll now have to add deep cleaning the blanket, sheets and pillows on your bed to your to-do list. Apparently, no one ever told you cats are spiteful little whiskered furballs.”

<True story.>

DysFUNction…

Welcome to our family…where our goal is to put the FUN in dysFUNction.

 

Ted…

Grandma volunteering to babysit, my very own large blue raspberry Slushee, a cursing fuzzy stuffed bear, a glance at Marky Mark’s bare ass, and an opportunity to stare at Ryan Reynolds, not once, but twice. Damn straight is was a good night. Run, don’t walk to see it.

Mommy’s Free Pass…

I have finally found it. My free pass for all those not so proud Mommy moments I find myself in day after day. Each time I read this I swear another piece of my Mommy guilt fades away. Just what the doctor ordered. Phew.

You Know Your Husband is a Keeper When…

On a random Saturday morning, you leisurely awake in bed to the sweet sound of silence, roll over to discover a 9 as the first number on the clock and a text on your phone informing you that he and the kids went out for awhile to “give you some quiet time.”

Super husband in full effect and feeling super grateful because I gots myself a good man….a mighty, mighty, mighty good man. ♥

Attention Shoppers!

We Have an Incompetent Customer in Self-Checkout Aisle 4…

The Theory: Hmmm, a visit to the supermarket self-checkout lane will most definitely require less of my time than a visit to the non self-checkout lane. I’m gonna go for it.

The Outcome: Apparently, I lack the skills necessary to conquer the self-checkout lane, have a knack for setting off the “I screwed up and need help to fix it now” flashing lights not one, not two, but a staggering seven times, and will never get those painful 14 minutes of my life back for simply choosing the “easier” lane. Never again. Ever.

Shout Out to my Fellow Mommas…

This one goes out to all my fellow strange, bizarre and flawed mommies. Keep keeping it real ladies. Holla.

Not So Proud Mommy Moment of the Day:

Rather than yell at the kids to stop their incessant irritiating, distracting bickering in the backseat of the car for the 148th time this morning, I instead opted to turn the radio volume up to full blast to drown out the noise.
(In my defense, it seemed like the better option when compared to the only other one which was to throw myself out of  the car into oncoming traffic to escape the torture.)

Teetering on the Ledge…

Mommy is teetering on the ledge today. Take caution, tread lightly and keep the whining to a minimum. Consider this a warning…

Yeah, I Said It…

Camryn’s Fun Fact of the Day #453,658:

Camryn, 6: “Hey Olivia! Want to know a fact about me?”
Olivia, 4: “Uh, yeah?”
Camryn, 6: “When I fart I actually smell like meatballs.”
Olivia, 4: (in complete awe) “Really?”
Camryn, 6: “I know, right? So cool, right?!”
Olivia, 4: “Yeah. So cool.”

Make Me Laugh…

Get to it, folks. Make me laugh….please.

Mommy’s Time Out…

Because every Mommy needs a time out every now and then.
I’d like to take mine N-O-W.

PB & J: A Mommy’s Saving Grace…

Because the scale told me dirty lies this morning.

Because I sweat as much as twelve grown men at work today.

Because the dog shit in the house again…twice.

Because I had no energy to stop at the food store this afternoon.

Because it didn’t require the stove or microwave to make.

Because the clean up is simply effortless.

Because I knew they’d actually eat dinner without a fight.

Because it means I get to lick the peanut butter covered knife.

Because some nights just scream “It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!” and tonight it one of those very nights.

Go To Hell Scale!

Dear Scale,

Go to hell.

From,
A Scorned Mommy

 

 

A Letter To the Kids…

Dear Kids,

It was a long day, my patience was super low and I yelled, nagged and am fully aware that I was straight up annoying at times. Thanks for not holding a grudge.

Love,
Mommy

PS: I’ll probably be kind of annoying at times again tomorrow, but will give it my all to take the yelling down a few notches. I pinkie swear.

Mommy true confession of the day:

While in the car with the kids this afternoon, I drove an extra 5.7 miles out of the way in order to bypass the latest rip-off of a carnival that has invaded our town. Fingers crossed they don’t catch on one of these days since I plan to take the scenic route until July 27 when the carnival finally moves on to another town to torture other fellow mommies.

And like pure magic every damn time…Mommy shall find it…

From a missing sparkly headband to a misplaced flip flop to a stuffed animal wombat to a micro sized Hello Kitty plastic figurine that serves absolutely no purpose on this Earth other than to drive us moms crazy when being forced to perform yet another search and rescue effort to find them. We are mom and we got this.

Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool…

Mommy’s Scariest Moment of the Day: Learning that a kid pooped in the pool causing a pool lockdown and cancelling swim for all campers for the entire day.
Mommy’s Happiest Moment of the Day: Learning that the pool pooper was not my kid.

Never fails. Every f#*king time.

Today’s Mommy Forecast…

Crabby with a chance of yelling, nagging, crabbiness and tantrum storms. Take caution and tread lightly. Tonight’s forecast calls for wine. Lots of wine.

The Ultimate in Dieting Motivation…

Never allow your child to play on your cell phone in an attempt to keep them occupied and quiet while you are trying on clothes in a department store dressing room because if your reflection in the three way mirror isn’t enough to make you cry…stumbling across the plethora of photos your child snapped of you with the phone while you were half naked sure as hell will make you want to drop to your knees, bawl and eat a bowl of lettuce for dinner.

Tonight’s Glass Is FULL…

It’s a big night for Mommy tonight. And by big night I mean movie rentals, Mexican take out and a chilled bottle of cheap wine while lounging on the couch with my better half. Welcome to Saturday post-kids bedtime…the stuff that Mommy dreams are made of.

 

Today’s Agenda…

Today’s agenda: lots o’ quality family time, smiles and the making of memories. ♥

Morning Miracles…

I’d sell my soul to wake up to the first number on the alarm clock being greater than 7 tomorrow morning. Fingers and toes crossed… because miracles do happen.

 

Mission Accomplished…

Dear unruly, ignorant, obnoxious mom of the unruly, ignorant, obnoxious camper,

As a result of our enlightening conversation earlier today, I now know that the next time your out-of-control son punches another kid… sending them to the nurse hysterical crying in need of an icepack for the welt on his back and then tells me I can’t send him to time-out for it because his mom will “come down the camp to hit and kill me” that you are the one responsible for teaching him everything he knows and simply don’t have the time or need to face these demons. So, I am left knowing what they say is true. The rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. On a side note, I regret to say you have now lost my vote for Mom of the Year 2012. Better luck next year and best of luck. You’re going to need it.

Sincerely,

The Camp Group Leader

Facebook vs. Sleep…

One night, getting to sleep at a reasonable hour will finally prevail over mindless Facebooking. However, since it’s now 11:13 pm and I can barely keep my eyes open, that night is not going to be tonight. So, I say damn you, Facebook as I shake my fist at you for sucking me deep into your black hole of nothingness every f#*king night I log in…YAWN.

Sibling Rivalry….er, Love.

From best friends to enemies and right back to best friends again in a matter of minutes…such is the life of siblings.

 

Bugs Be Gone…

Because after arriving home after a long day at work there’s nothing else I’d rather do than scurry around the house like a crazy woman washing the kid’s bedding while praying it’ll be dry in time for bedtime, shampooing the hell out of the…ir hair with nasty smelling lice preventative soap and spraying the shit out of their camp bags with the hopes of murdering any little lice bastards that may have possibly jumped on it while at camp today. Therefore without further ado…today’s great big FU of the day award goes to none other than the f#*king “There has been a lice outbreak at camp” note sent home with the kids today.

Mommy! I Need You To Help Me! NOW!

Blue Lions…

Dear camp counselor who thought putting a blue lion stamper in the hands of my four-year-old daughter was a splendid idea,

I’ll give you a head start since I need some more time to finish scrubbing Olivia’s forehead, cheeks, neck, legs, ha…nd, arms and feet with soap…but start runinng young lady, because if this momma finds you, she’s going to make it her business to cover you from head to toe with that same blue lion stamp.

Sincerely,

A Not So Happy Camper (aka Mommy)

PS: If I don’t end up finding you, I’ll give you one guess as to what your tip will be at the end of camp. I hope you have always wanted a blue lion stamper of your very own.

There’s a New Superhero in Town…

Able to ruin a box of crayons within five minutes of them ever being opened, open, yet not eat, every yogurt sticks in the package in one hour’s time just so they can read the lame jokes on the inside of the empty wrappers, the ability to flood a bathroom in under three minutes flat, can manage to get themselves covered from head to toe in permanent black upon discovering a stray Sharpie marker, capable of destroying a brand new shirt with the sauce from just a half of a slice of pizza, able to fall into a full blown tantrum within seconds over absolutely nothing, the skill to destroy a computer system with the push of a button, able to traumatize a pet cat for life with one too tight “hug” and can empty a bottle of glue with one mighty squeeze…BEHOLD! THE POWERS OF SUPER FOUR YEAR OLD!

So They DO Listen After All…

You know your kids actually do listen to you when you overhear the following…

Olivia, 4: “Mommy, cans you gets me somes milk to drink?”

Mommy: (in the process of attempting to conquer cooking dinner, feeding the cats and dogs, reading the mail and unloading the dishwasher)

Camryn, 6: “Olivia! Mommy isn’t two people and she doesn’t have four hands, so get in line if you want milk.”

Olivia, 4: “Um, where’s the line?”

I Think I Can…

T-minus 3 hours til quitting time. I think I can. I think I can…

I think I’m gonna be sick…

Having kids who spit up on me more times than I can count desensitized me and helped me to finally get over my deeply rooted, yet irrational, fear of vomit. However, after recently getting a cat, I now realize I spent all those years fearing the wrong thing because there is truly nothing more disgusting and stomach turning than bearing witness to a cat puking up a hairball. Oh my god. The memory shall be burned into my brain forever.

Tommorow’s Bloggers Extraordinaires…

This one goes out to my daughters… the next up and coming generation of Where’s the f#*king mommy manual? blogger extraordinaires.

Overpowered by the Magically Deliciousness…

I hereby swear to never, ever, ever, allow a box of Lucky Charms to land in my supermarket shopping cart again because clearly I simply lose all self respect and control when they are in my kitchen cabinet.

Camryn, 6: “Uh Mom, why are there like no marshmallows in the Lucky Charms? Where did they go?”

Mommy: (whispers) “In my belly.”

Camryn, 6: “What?”

Mommy: “Uh, I said I don’t know.” (wipes marshmallow crumbs   from the corners of her mouth)

The FU of the Day Award…

Because I swear I encounter one of these gems every single day…so why would today be any different? So, to the loud mouth ignorant young lady from the supermarket who believed I was truly interested in hearing her pearls of wisdom on how to handle my tantruming kid, I present to you…the FU of the day award.

Be a True Friend…

Friends don’t let friends walk around with stray boogers on their nose, so be a true friend and make fun of your snot covered pal.

Misery Loves Company…

Earlier today, my husband and the kids went out on the town and soon after their departure, I happened to come across my husband’s Facebook status which stated the following: “My daughters’ taste in music could be used as a form of torture.”
Truer words have never been spoken and I am so grateful to now know that there is someone else on this earth that can fully empathize with why a little piece inside of me dies each and everytime I drive in the car with the kids and I am forced to endure them pleading with me to leave on Justin Bieber, turn up the volume when One Direction plays and begging me to join them in singing along with that freakin’ Call Me Maybe nonsense.

Word.

Like Mother, Like Daughter…

Camryn, 6: “Hey Mom, ya know what? I really like eating much more than cooking.”

Mommy: “Like mother, like daughter. So, in order to avoid that whole nasty cooking thing you speak of…should we go out or order in for dinner tonight?

I Hereby Swear Not to Judge Other Mommies…Except Today.

Once becoming a mommy and experiencing firsthand what it’s like to fall victim to those debilitating moments of Mommy crisis, I swore I’d never judge the actions of my fellow mommies, but this act I experienced earlier today truly caused me to dry heave and just won’t leave my mind…so I was left with no other choice but to judge, vent and ask you to join me in saying a prayer that little boy has a kickass immune system.